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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone managed to.....

278 replies

Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 09:21

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/06/2016 16:24

OK, everyone's different.

The outcome you want is for certain jobs to be his and his alone. No other result is acceptable to you.

What would you say to communicate that to him?

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 16:33

OK, I'll give it a go tonight.

How does this sound as a list of chores for him

  • Taking the rubbish and recycling out of the house
  • Grass cutting (that is supposed to be his anyway)
  • Cleaning one of the bathrooms (there are 2 and I'll do the other)
  • Keeping the lounge and dining room clean
OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 16:34

I really don't want to have to do this, its stupid.......surely these things should be obvious or at least if I ask they should get done there and then not cause a row

Invested a lot of time into this relationship and I'm keen for it to work but maybe I'm asking too much of it

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/06/2016 16:38

I think I would just say, "This isn't working out, is it? I think we'd be better off living separately."

Tell him that if he was at work and refused to do his job then he'd get sacked and that's what happens at home, too.

He has to see that you're serious. I know you don't want to end the relationship but if he is disrespecting you to this extent he needs to know that's the consequence.

This is why living together used to be called a trial marriage - lots of people tried it, saw what it would be like and scarpered. He needs to believe that's the case here.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/06/2016 16:38

My heart sank when I saw your list.

I am sorry but it is pathetic.

You are truly terrified of his reaction if he has to do 50% aren't you?

Cooking, laundry, meal planning, DC school paperwork and events, hoovering, kitchen, birthday present buying. Those all stay with you?

Hellothereitsme · 21/06/2016 16:38

Flying doggies - that sounds like a list of chores that my 13 year old does for his pocket money - except instead of the lounge he keeps his bedroom tidy. That doesn't sound like a 50:50 adult split of chores.

ImperialBlether · 21/06/2016 16:40

Of course you're not expecting too much!

If he went to work and his bin was overflowing even though the cleaner had been in, he'd go mad. It's exactly the same at home. You are expecting normal decent behaviour and he's not providing that.

Twinkie1 · 21/06/2016 16:42

Id start cooking, washing clothes and cleaning only my stuff, I'd even go as far as only shopping for myself until he started pulling his weight or coughed up for a cleaner.

Can you imagine what it's going to be like if you ever have kids?

Actually you can because he is effectively behaving like one now.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/06/2016 16:42

You are already on the point of leaving him. Hand over a true 50%. Or just walk away now

Keep a diary of every single household task you (and he) do for a month. Everything. When you have handed over 50% you should each spend the same amount of time on chores.

If it helps you could negotiate which 50% he takes based on the diary.

ImperialBlether · 21/06/2016 16:46

Those chores are nothing! How long does it take to put the rubbish out when there are only two of you? And he's not going to cut the grass in the winter, is he? I think you should both spend the same amount of time eg half an hour each day or whatever doing what needs to be done. Don't give him easy jobs and take on all the rest yourself.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 16:48

Well I was thinking that leaves me with

  • one bathroom
  • the kitchen
  • our bedroom
  • doing the washing (which I enjoy weirdly)

We do now share cooking duties as I just stopped food shopping and cooking a few months ago out of stubbornness. Since then it has been about 50:50 but I am always the one that makes sure there is milk for breakfast If I don't then there isn't any. We eat separately 4/5 nights per week anyway due to personal commitments.

We do whoever doesn't cook washes up, and if we don't eat together we do our own washing up

What else am I missing on the chores lists and I'll share them out?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/06/2016 16:52

I think the kitchen is always the biggest job. The thing is that he will probably agree to this and not do anything. What will do you do then?

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 16:56

I tend to give the kitchen a little clean every morning when I wash up my breakfast things so I'm OK taking that on as I do it by force of habit

That's what worries me, him agreeing and not doing it.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/06/2016 16:57

So, what will you do if he doesn't do it?

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 17:02

It has to be over, I can't keep on like this forever

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/06/2016 17:02

You don't have children, I missed that.

OK. That makes it a worse situation to be in but easier to solve.

Worse because it shows you have doormat, people-pleaser, man-pleaser tendencies and probably some deep-seated beliefs that women are subservient. Fight it in yourself.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/06/2016 17:04

Oops posted too soon.

Better because no one but you two depends on you.

New option. Swap for 6 months. Everything he does now, you do, everything you do now he does. If he doesn't do it you know he's not a keeper.

Variant on your option: he does his own laundry OR 100% cooking. Stop reminding about the milk.

adora1 · 21/06/2016 17:08

I'd imagine you've tried this already OP but still he refused to chip in.

If I was you I'd tell him you were getting a cleaner, I don't see you doing just your work and not his, you sound far too nice, in fact he's totally taken advantage of that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/06/2016 17:11

At this point I'd be going double or bust.

Demand what you genuinely want as an absolute minimum. Give him a chance to step up. Give him a chance to go through the growing pains (it will be hard for him to adjust, even though it shouldn't be).

If the huffing and avoidance stops after the bedding in period, superb.

If he fails to step up or you can't take the stress of huffs or deliberate fails or you can't stop yourself from being a little woman in the face of a dominant man and it all slips back then you know you tried but ultimately it won't work.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 17:36

That's what I'm aiming for, it being one last chance

OP posts:
paddypants13 · 21/06/2016 17:46

I agree with pp. Give him chance to step up and of he won't I think you need to end it. He is being a lazy man child.

I was going to suggest keeping a record of what you do vs what he does in a week to try and shock him in to action. Reading your previous posts though, I doubt he cares. He knows perfectly well what needs to be done.

He's funny about the way he's spoken to because he doesn't like hearing the truth.

Sorry to be harsh op. Flowers

ArmfulOfRoses · 21/06/2016 17:50

There's hoovering, mopping, cleaning windows, changing beds, grocery shopping, ironing, puttting clean laundry away, dusting, cleaning the car...

ArmfulOfRoses · 21/06/2016 17:51

Just give him the heads up that he pulls his weight or it's over, and mean it.
Agree that it's him not wanting to be told the truth, which is that he's taking the piss.

RedMapleLeaf · 21/06/2016 17:57

After many conversations with friends and family I like to think I'm quite good at this too, but I have a different approach to rabbit.

Firstly, I have acknowledged the reasons why I do actually do more housework. Firstly, I quite enjoy some tasks and my standards are unreasonably high, the property is in my name only and I don't have the 1hr 20 commute each day that my boyfriend has.

After that I am very clear on what is fair. The big one is equal downtime. So there's no way he chills out whilst I'm doing a chore. It's easiest to pair these up and say, "you clean the kitchen whilst I bring the laundry in" or ask, "which do you want to do, hoover or mop?".

Thirdly, thank him when he does something that you benefit from. Don't go over the top but say, "thanks for cleaning the bathroom, I appreciate it". Don't criticise and do accept that he may do things differently or less efficiently. Accept that you may need to point out the bleeding obvious sometimes, such as the need for fabric conditioner, but if he tries the helpless thing on, be breezy, "I'm sure you can figure it out on your own, you are twenty-five!".

Finally, if needs be, you need to explain (at a calm time) that when he doesn't pull his weight he's treating you like a skivvy and that's both highly unattractive and insulting.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 18:01

OK, I'll talk to him later

I did think about keeping note of what I do compared to him but wasn't sure if that was immature

OP posts: