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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone managed to.....

278 replies

Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 09:21

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
LilacInn · 22/06/2016 11:48

So he drags his feet on everything related to being an adult and taking responsibility, and has for years, and you think things are going to improve significantly and permanently and that he will become a respectful, enthusiastic, responsible and reliable partner in everyday life?

With all kindness, dream on. Men like this would rather find a more pliant woman than change themselves. You sound very nice OP and you deserve a cooperative equal partner not a permanent adolescent. Good luck!

Dozer · 22/06/2016 11:48

You get on really well as long as you do all the wifework and tolerate his many "foibles" without complaint.

If he's grumpy with you now when he works away a lot, does very little domestic work and has sufficient time to pursue a hobby that takes a lot of time, what will he be like if you have DC?

Dozer · 22/06/2016 11:49

A break up would be best for you in the long run. There are better men out there!

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 11:51

He doesn't work away anymore, sorry that wasn't clear. I didn't mind picking up the slack when he was away as it was only me making the mess so cleaning was easy anyway.

I am hoping I am not making him sound worse than he is.

But I guess you are all right, he is immature. He needs to go live alone and I think that would sort the majority of his issues out but who knows.

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/06/2016 12:01

It's unlikely you're making him sound worse than he is - you seem measured and factual about his behaviour and attitudes.

If he's very young, perhaps he might improve after some time living alone, but not really worth more of your time waiting around to see!

EarthboundMisfit · 22/06/2016 12:03

Things are more even recently round here. It has been a speedy process, taking only slightly over 13 years.

LilacInn · 22/06/2016 12:04

Out of curiosity, OP, what age is he?

Terrifiedandregretful · 22/06/2016 12:09

I've only read the first and last pages, but my advice is do not have children with this man unless he changes his attitude pronto.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 12:10

Lilac out of interest how old do you think he is?

13 years? Wow not sure I could cope with that.

I know my flaws

  • I like the house clean and tidy
  • The dog (who is mine really) does make a mess so I try to be responsible for that
  • I do expect him to know that stuff needs doing
  • I can be a bit impatient after asking him to do things
OP posts:
LilacInn · 22/06/2016 12:16

I'd guess under age 30.

If he's older than 30 and still immature/grumpy/lazy, run even faster!

Terrifiedandregretful · 22/06/2016 12:19

Flyingdoggie those are not flaws. They are all positives. It worries me you think they are flaws. Does he make you feel like they are flaws?

Dozer · 22/06/2016 12:20

I wouldn't have put up with that shit from a man over 20!

But my dad had form for this (Improved only 30 years after marriage!)!so was on the lookout for signs of sexist men with wifework expectations and filtered accordingly!

The things you've listed are not "flaws". Wanting a nice clean home is normal. As is getting pissed off with slacker manchildren for failing to do things they should and you shouldn't even have to think about.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 12:30

He's 28

Yes, he does make me feel like the wanting stuff done "now not later" is a flaw. So as an example I will ask him to empty the bin when I'm cooking, meaning please can you do it now as its full. He will often say yes in a minute/in a bit. If he's in the middle of something I understand but if he isn't I don't really and I will usually just do it as it needs doing then not later as I want to put something else in it.

No the clean home thing isn't a flaw, he doesn't make me feel like that is but equally wants to relax and not necessarily clean when stuff needs doing

OP posts:
adora1 · 22/06/2016 12:31

Is there anything this man can do without you specifically telling him, even that would drive me mad.

Are you sure this is isn't about control and his inability to actually be a partnership and equal.

LilacInn · 22/06/2016 12:37

I think in general "passive aggressive" is misused and overused but if you look up the actual definition it does apply here.

His delays and stalling on the money, the cooperation, etc, are saying something and you should heed, OP.

Tatiana11235 · 22/06/2016 12:40

I'm going to be utterly useless here and just say that all these endless threads about how incompetent and lazy husbands are just make me wonder why the hell do we women bother being involved in the first place. It seems life would be so much easier and simpler if there were no pointless partners involved!

My H doesn't do anything around our house either. But then I don't ask him to. He is an adult and should know what is right and what is wrong. If in his head it's ok to be a useless prick then it's his opinion and who am I to tell him otherwise. I just do everything myself.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 12:40

Without being asked he will

  • clean the car (his and ask if I want mine done - I usually ask him to do something else instead such as the bathroom)
  • feed the dog
  • cut the grass (although not always soon enough, it needs doing now badly)

Sometimes he will spontaneously decide to tidy and clean a room but its not consistent

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 12:42

Tatiana that is how I am now, I just do things because they need doing and I don't want to have to ask because its obvious they need doing.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 12:48

"He is also insanely grumpy when tired or hungry. Likes to have time to relax after walking in the front door before doing anything (at least an hour). Can be quite short with me or talk in what comes across as a condescending manner (but is the same with everyone)"

Charming. Even if he did ALL the housework, I'd struggle to like someone this unpleasant, let alone live with him.

NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 12:51

"I know my flaws

  • I like the house clean and tidy
  • The dog (who is mine really) does make a mess so I try to be responsible for that
  • I do expect him to know that stuff needs doing
  • I can be a bit impatient after asking him to do things"

These are not flaws FFS! They are all perfectly normal!

I get the impression you need to work on your self esteem, assertiveness skills and standards when it comes to relationships.

You might find it helpful to read the first post on this thread.

maddiesparks · 22/06/2016 12:52

Point out to him that fair enough, he might not see the need to tidy things away straight away and may feel less bothered by mess than you do but it's your home too and you are not willing to live in a shit tip either. He has to compromise or it's not going to work. With a man like this I can't see any advantage in sharing a house - why not tell him you'd prefer to live separately unless he gets his arse into gear.

expatinscotland · 22/06/2016 12:56

You don't believe this, and you'll waste your time giving this guy chances (he'll step up for a while, then slide back), but you deserve and can do so much better than this, Flying. He's 28. This is who he is.

'He is also insanely grumpy when tired or hungry. Likes to have time to relax after walking in the front door before doing anything (at least an hour). Can be quite short with me or talk in what comes across as a condescending manner (but is the same with everyone)' - The first two, he really needs to grow the fuck up or live alone so he can do exactly as he pleases. The second, fuck that.

Terrifiedandregretful · 22/06/2016 12:56

Tatiana I think if more women considered this a deal breaker from day one things would start to change (not saying it's women's responsibility to change the men, but attitudes have changed about physical violence and control of finances within marriages, why not treating women as domestic slaves next?). Women have been conditioned that this is all they can expect from a man so millions of us seem to put up and shut up. Flyingdoggles think seriously if this is how you want your life to be. There are plenty of good men out there who are not like this.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 12:56

AnotherEmma he's not always grumpy and short, just can be at times.

He can be kind and fun

I really wish people could see our relationship day in day out and tell me whether to stay in it as I do feel I've lost all sense of normality

OP posts:
adora1 · 22/06/2016 12:57

Doing normal day to day jobs and housework are not having flaws, I think you are comparing yourself to him too much, he's probably nagged you a lot for what he sees as you telling him what to do

That list of what he does without prompting is a joke.

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