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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone managed to.....

278 replies

Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 09:21

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 13:02

He will do other things spontaneously but not regularly if that makes sense. So say if I go away for a weekend I might come home to a spotless house but then the next weekend he might not do anything around the house, then the one after clean the top floor.

We will see, he might up his game.......who knows!

OP posts:
Tatiana11235 · 22/06/2016 13:02

Then I'm afraid just like in my situation it's either take it or leave it. Nagging just doesn't do anyone any good and is exhausting for both parties.

You should decide what's more important for you - having him do chores or having him around. And I'm not trying to guilt trip you into choosing a husband over not being treated as a maid. I would choose the latter any day.

NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 13:03

Is the house owned 50/50? When you bought it, did you both contribute equally towards the deposit and moving expenses?

It's worrying that you have to remind him to pay his share of the mortgage and bills every month. He should have set up a monthly standing order so the payment is automatic. It's not difficult to set up!

expatinscotland · 22/06/2016 13:05

Even abusive people are not like that all the time, Flying, that's how they get women to be with them and then start doubting themselves if they're the ones with the 'flaws' for considering ending the relationship.

The bottom line is that he believes that lifework, not just housework but things like setting up a direct debit/standing order to pay his fair share of the bills (prompting you to need to ask like a beggar) is something for someone else to do. He doesn't 'see' it because why should he? You'll do it. In fact, it's your job, hence, saying you pay for the cleaner.

Do you really want to live your life forever having to chase him up, nag, feeling resentful, pandering to his moods? Because this is who he is.

Giving him chances won't change that.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 13:17

Oh the mortgage comes from his account. We aren't 50:50 owners, I think its roughly 70% 30% (me owning the bigger share). Its just all the bills come in my name so I pay them and then he transfers half the money to me.

I HATE nagging.

We did used to be happy together but lately everything seems to have been not great

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/06/2016 14:40

You OWN a property together?

That's a bigger commitment than marriage! And he has records of paying the mortgage. Do you have a written agreement about ownership?

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 14:42

Yes there is a written agreement, that wouldn't be an issue.

I know exactly what he has paid into the mortgage

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/06/2016 15:05

If you split up though presumably you'd have to agree a price to buy him out or sell up.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 15:08

Yes, we've already discussed it (things have been that bad!)

At a push I can afford to buy him out

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 15:15

So housework is the main issue.
There is also his tendency to be very grumpy and snap or talk down to you.
What are the other issues?

NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 15:21

"Invested a lot of time into this relationship and I'm keen for it to work"

This is the sunken costs fallacy. Don't fall into that trap. The past is the past. Think about what you want your life to be like from now onwards.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 15:32

He's been working on being grumpy and has been a lot better recently in all fairness.

So positives in our relationship

  • We both have similar life goals (both want kids, similar mindset on how they will be brought up etc)
  • Share a hobby which means we enjoy doing that together
  • Similar love of food
  • We used to make each other laugh (but its been a while, life seems to have been very serious lately)
  • Shared love of travelling
  • Get on with each others family
  • Used to have a laugh together (again not so much lately)

Negatives

  • The housework
  • Can be grumpy and snappy, I guess everyone can but he just seems to be more that way than others
  • He isn't great at understanding other peoples feelings
  • I don't want to change my surname on marriage, he is very much not OK with this
OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/06/2016 16:19

It's not just 'housework'. It's lifework, stuff like admin, like finances, all these decisions left to you to police, to nag and he sees this as your job. If you want to outsource it, you pay for it.

This is huge. Have you not read the posts on here from people who are getting divorced because they are tired of the one doing all the lifework for the entire family whilst the man 'relaxes' or 'unwinds'.

You're flogging a dead horse here, and yy to what Emma says. It's a sunken cost fallacy that in the end just costs you more time.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 16:23

expat yes I agree completely that I've taken on the job, I don't think he sees it as my role because I elected to take it on when we bought together as I like to stay on top of things like that.

He's never had to deal with it so doesn't know he isn't if that makes sense. I think he is actually oblivious. In his house share all bills came out of the rent and a cleaner did the communal areas (out of the rent so wasn't optional)

OP posts:
adora1 · 22/06/2016 16:26

If he can't even do the basics and actually partake as an equal partner is a relationship, imagine him as a dad, he will do fuck all with his kids unless of course you tell him but then again, you hate being a nag - honestly OP, up to you but a future with him and kids will be ten times worse than what you already have.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 16:30

Yes Adora I know, which is why I am wanting to see if it can all be sorted prior to getting that far.

I want to give him the opportunity to step it up and then if he doesn't......that's it.

I want kids and I am not going to have them with someone who I don't believe will pull their weight.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/06/2016 16:32

'I don't think he sees it as my role because I elected to take it on when we bought together as I like to stay on top of things like that.

He's never had to deal with it so doesn't know he isn't if that makes sense. I think he is actually oblivious. In his house share all bills came out of the rent and a cleaner did the communal areas (out of the rent so wasn't optional)'

He's 28! An adult, he's not stupid, he knows damn well bills don't just get paid out of thin air. Was his phone contract taken out of the rent, too? Yeah, he had to sort that out himself because Mum/Girlfriend wasn't there to do that. Funny how he sorted that but is 'oblivious' to other lifework.

Someone you'd actually want to have kids with because he/she is an equal partner would step up to the fucking plate and discuss that lifework, not just defer to you. Bollocks he's oblivious. You're minimising and making excuses. It's common enough. This leads down the path of about 90% of all the threads in Relationships, women who find themselves with kids and a useless partner/manchild. There are scads of them, 'Incompetent Partner/Husband'. They all start along the same lines as yours. A person who 'doesn't see dirt' 'wants to relax' gets the humph when you try to discuss it, etc. etc. This guy is textbook classic.

Don't get me started on his stance on your changing his name to his if you marry. It's 2016, ffs.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 16:35

expat yes the name thing has been a real issue but I've stood firm

I am really trying to make sure I am not making a mistake so this is all really helping, thank you

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2016 16:35

Flyingdoggles

He is not pulling his weight now is he?.

I would suggest you start reading up on the sunken costs fallacy in relationships because some of what you have written (your investing in the relationship and I am keen for it to work etc) makes me think you are falling into that very trap. It basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Smart people often get stuck with poor decisions that they keep holding onto hoping that they will prove worthwhile in the long-term. Taking a few minutes to examine your commitment to a past decision that seems no longer to be rewarding might help you make a better decision now. Keep in mind that good decisions should point to future benefits. You should not be overly concerned in justifying the past when you can benefit more by moving forward.

adora1 · 22/06/2016 16:35

This has turned into a massive thread OP, you need to give him an ultimatum and stick to it, he either acts like an adult or that really is it.

I don't think he even takes you serious, I can hardly tbh, you keep making excuses for what is basically selfish behaviour, nothing else, he's not oblivious whatsoever, he just knows you will do it and you won't want to nag him cos he won't like that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2016 16:39

I also think your negatives re him well outweigh any positives you wrote. He sees the lifework as your primary role; he is a 28 year old manchild who wants you to carry on where his mother left off. He thinks you can do all the scut work, he honestly sees that as your primary function. And now you are carrying him.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 16:41

OK, thank you all, I know what I need to do

Although I would like it to work out if it can, if it cannot I am not afraid of ending it (if that makes sense)

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 16:43

Right. You both want children. But he's not even pulling his weight now. When you have children it's going to be 100% worse. His behaviour to date indicates that he won't pull his weight with childcare. He might say that he wants things to be equal and fair, but in reality that's extremely unlikely to happen.

The name change debate might seem like a small issue but it's actually a huge indication that he is sexist. That and the fact that he hardly does any housework, of course!

Please don't marry or have children with this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2016 16:46

"I don't think he even takes you serious, I can hardly tbh, you keep making excuses for what is basically selfish behaviour, nothing else, he's not oblivious whatsoever, he just knows you will do it and you won't want to nag him cos he won't like that".

I would fully agree with Adora's above comment and I would also add that you likely do not want to "nag" (a hideous word) him because you are afraid of his reaction if you were to confront him. You know you are going to be shouted down in some manner.

NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 16:46

"He isn't great at understanding other peoples feelings"

This is another red flag. Presumably "other people" includes you. If he can't/won't understand your feelings, you're going to be very unhappy with him. He won't be able to provide emotional intimacy or support. You're going to feel very lonely. When it comes to issues in the relationship he won't address them because he won't understand how his behaviour makes you feel.