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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone managed to.....

278 replies

Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 09:21

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 27/06/2016 11:08

I see.

What are you going to do?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/06/2016 11:37

This must be excruciating for you flying

Relationship ending situation and what is he doing? The absolute minimum. Skip the hoovering and dusting. Let the bin overflow.

Just throw the dog a bone until she stops barking and gets back to bringing me my slippers and my pipe.

Absolutely agonising. Like watching a slow death.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 27/06/2016 11:56

We live in a detached property so cleaning can be done at any time, there is no excuse in that respect.

I need to make some form of plan for ending it, but not sure how I am going to go about it.

Pretty fed up to be honest

OP posts:
hmmmum · 27/06/2016 12:02

I haven't read all the replies but you need to stop doing all the housework. As the mess starts to pile up, maybe he'll agree to a cleaner. Really upsets me when people act like this Sad It is unbelievably disrespectful and you deserve better.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 27/06/2016 12:08

I tried that, I lasted under a month before I couldn't take the mess anymore. Friends came over and commented on it.

Ironically if I am not around he does seem to clean the house, I've just remembered when I went away for a long weekend it was spotless when I got back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 27/06/2016 12:08

I'd forgotten about that as it was a long time ago, not meaning to drip feed

OP posts:
Baconyum · 27/06/2016 12:14

So when you're there it's your job! That's completely unacceptable! What are you going to do?

Dozer · 27/06/2016 12:16

The overflowing bin is symbolic isn't it. Such a basic thing. And the dismissive / passive aggressive "what else needs doing then eh?" Attitude. When he knows you're on the verge of ending the relationship over his laziness and grumpiness.

A friend in a student houseshare was a bit like this (we had a rota, her turn would come and go) - "ooh, I didn't notice", followed by excuses and anger, until the rest of us told her to grow up and do her share.

I had bfs whose houses were a shit tip because none of them could be arsed. Off putting at 20, dealbreaker at 25 IMO! DH was the only man I ever saw in halls of residence weilding a hoover or iron - I chose well!

Can't remember if you co own or rent: suggest you start making practical plans, eg money, any legal issues, housing. If by some miracle he sees the light and mend his ways you might decide to shelve those plans.

If it's your flat and you can afford to stay there without his contribution you can ask him to leave at any time.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 27/06/2016 12:23

Well when I went away for that weekend I came back and he said he'd hardly had to clean up after himself it must be me who makes the mess......very odd comment

We co own a place, I can afford to buy him out though

OP posts:
Dozer · 27/06/2016 12:38

Oh yes. So not ideal, you could look into your options, get legal/financial/property value estimates etc. You might not, for example want to buy him out at current market rates given uncertainty with brexit etc.

Dozer · 27/06/2016 12:44

It was not an odd comment given his attitudes: it was another one revealing his attitude - it was a denial of any requirement to notice, engage with or take any personal responsibility for what he regards as womens work.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 27/06/2016 12:45

Yes, I need to do that

Not really what I wanted to happen

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/06/2016 13:04

Yeah, total pisser of a situation to be in.

I expect it is hard to be nice to him day to day now that you've realised how chauvinistic he is deep down inside.

Beware of exploding and declaring it over before you've prepared. Don't be a Boris.

It is probably wise to plan quickly because I expect his every action and word will be totally getting on your tits before very long. One day you'll see some his crap left on the worktop and you'll find yourself screaming "fuckity bye" at him. Well, that's what would happen if it were me.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 27/06/2016 13:34

I don't think we're far off that happening now if I'm honest

I'm finding him ever so irritating generally

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/06/2016 13:46

Have you worked out what you'll say to people yet?

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 27/06/2016 14:12

Nope, but there are some other issues I've not mentioned on this thread so I doubt it would be a massive surprise to most

He is a nice guy, just has some issues to sort that is all

OP posts:
Dozer · 27/06/2016 20:39

The stuff you've posted about isn't even all that's wrong? Bloody hell, get out of the situation asap and don't buy with someone again unless you're sure and have evidence that they're fabulous! He doesn't sound very nice, and I doubt he'll be nice over a break up.

Grin at "Don't be a Boris" as advice on relationships!

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 27/06/2016 22:04

On screen it looks bad but he's not a bad guy, just....needs to grow up I think

OP posts:
DrowningOnSchoolRun · 01/07/2016 20:34

The problem is that they don't grow up...my 1st husband just found someone else who will put up with doing all the women's work.

Good luck in ending things as he's already shown you he won't change.

FoodIsMyNemesis · 02/07/2016 14:37

Yeah, I don't think he will unless he lives on his own for a period of time

Then maybe he would be fine

RedMapleLeaf · 07/07/2016 07:35

How's it going OP?

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 07/07/2016 07:54

T

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 07/07/2016 07:56

That will teach me to multi task

I'd say on the whole he has been a bit better, he cleaned last weekend but still nowhere near 50:50

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 07/07/2016 08:26

He doesn't have to be a bad guy for you not to want to live with him. He just has to be incompatible with you. He might be another person's perfect cup of tea. That's not a reason in itself to hold onto him. The only question is whether you, personally, would feel better in the long term with him in or out of your life. You don't need to justify it to anybody. Give it as long as you want to before calling it a day, or call it a day now/tomorrow/yesterday even if he turns into the perfect housemate. He'll have learned a useful lesson to take on to the next relationship.

On the other hand, if he's worth it, keep on with the training programme. As has been pointed out, he's a reasonably functional adult, he can learn this stuff if he wants to enough, but it can take a while to get into good habits.

(Declaring an interest here, I'm in the "can't be naffed with hoovering, I'd rather relax" camp, as a result of which my house is not exactly show home of the year. However, I don't have a partner who would be distressed by it. If I did, I hope I'd step up.)

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 07/07/2016 10:19

No, that's true he doesn't. I'm currently waiting for a decision to come to me instead of over thinking it. However I am making plans with regards to the house.

He seems to have a real issue with me having close male friends (which is tough for me as I'd naturally have male friends over female ones). What does anyone think know that? I mean male friends who are in ltr and I've been friends with since before I met him

OP posts:
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