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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone managed to.....

278 replies

Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 09:21

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 21:48

Well I've said it now, just need to see if he does it

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 21:54

Oh and he did look genuinely shocked when I pointed out how much I've done this week so maybe he actually doesn't notice

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 21/06/2016 22:04

I think you did the right thing to let it go if he's tired and had a long day. You've said it now, so let's see what changes.

CharlotteCollins · 21/06/2016 22:05

Or he thinks that is a response that shows appreciation of what you do so you'll get off his back.

As you say, you've said it now, time to see what he does. Maybe say to him tomorrow morning, "Ball's in your court now about housework", just so he's clear that you're not expecting to mother him into doing his share.

And decide how long you want to give him to show he's taking it seriously.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 22:10

Not long before he gets shown the door as it upsets me too much to keep it uo

OP posts:
SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 21/06/2016 22:20

Tell him you are operating a 1 on 1 out policy.
So that will be cleaner IN useless git OUT. Grin

Unless he stops being a useless git.

Do not let him trick you into
a) telling him what to do
B) policing him to ensure he does it.

You are both tired.
You both make mess.
You are both people (not a man and a non man).
You both do housework.

If his work is the problem then he either accepts he works hard so he can pay a cleaner or he stops working so hard.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 22:30

I'm gunna write him a list of chores thathe happen in the house and email it to him whilst he's at work and say pick half

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 21/06/2016 22:32

Why go to that effort? He's already told you that he's going to do half.

CharlotteCollins · 21/06/2016 22:34

No no no!

He must take responsibility for this.

Even if he asks you to write a list, so he can pick half, don't do it.

If he writes a list and asks you to check it before picking half, then you know you're getting somewhere.

Hellothereitsme · 21/06/2016 22:34

Flying doggies - ignoring the cleaning issues - are you 100% happy in this telationship? Why does he get home late - that doesn't sound much fun for a young couple without children. Do you get to out much together and have fun?

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 22:37

We both have busy lives and that's fine for both of us. We aim for one or twould date nights per week then do stuff at the weekend together

But no I'm probably not 100% happy

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/06/2016 22:38

'I'm gunna write him a list of chores thathe happen in the house and email it to him whilst he's at work and say pick half'

Useless. He'll tell you he already does half. Or pick half that are easier and not do them. When people show you who they are, believe them.

CharlotteCollins · 21/06/2016 22:40

Re read your post of 21:48.

That is all you need to do.

Wait and see if he takes you seriously.

Because if you take responsibility for managing the resolution of the housework issue, then you will be the one to blame if it doesn't work. (By which I mean, he will blame you and so will you.)

See how you already said, "I probably didn't do the chat right." You are poised to take the blame for this not being resolved satisfactorily.

And that will stop you chucking him out, because you'll feel you weren't fair to him.

Just tell him the ball's in his court and wait.

venusandmars · 21/06/2016 22:41

When we moved in together we wrote out a list of chores on cards, laid them out and then took turns to pick the ones we wanted to do (so if you like laundry, you pick that first). Keep going until you get to the three or four chores that neither of you really want to do (more on that later).

But the chores need to be grouped into equivalent sized packages, so 'doing the laundry' can't include washing, drying, sorting, ironing, putting away, and be set against 'looking after the houseplants' - if that takes 3 minutes twice a week.

For the 3 or 4 chores that neither of you chose, be honest with each other and acknowledge that you both hate them. Maybe they are the kind of chore you can pay someone else to do? Maybe you agree that every fortnight you will do them together? Maybe you agree that you'll take turn about? Invent a reward system for when they're done.

But apart from that, follow runrabbit's advice - whatever chores you each picked are your responsibility, without reminding, without help, without nagging.

CharlotteCollins · 21/06/2016 22:47

But OP's partner says he will do stuff and then doesn't do it...

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 07:36

We didn't get to the picking chores each stage so that's why I mentioned emailing him whilst he's at work so can't even say he's tired

Then he has it in black and white

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/06/2016 08:02

That's still you taking responsibility for all housework - and managing it. Hence, it's your job.

DorindaJ · 22/06/2016 08:26

He is an adult. He does not need you to email a list of chores. You need to stand back and see what happens next.

I think you know that he will not change. Sorry, this is who he is.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 08:29

If he doesn't change I'll cope as he will have to go.

I don't want to give him more than a few weeks if I'm honest because if he doesn't do it straight away then he's got no respect

OP posts:
paddypants13 · 22/06/2016 08:54

Well done for making the first move op. Be wary of him making excuses like tiredness to avoid even having a conversation.

Tell him, we both work full time, you need to take on 50% of the chores and leave it at that.

Original poster
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 08:56

Yes, well partly he said he was tired and partly I noticed he was and it seemed silly to have a chat when if he's tired he isn't great to talk to he just needs leaving alone.

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/06/2016 09:00

Sexist, lazy manchild. He needs to shape up sharpish or ship out!

I hope you are not doing any cooking or washing for him - just do your own.

Why can't you just pay for a cleaner out of joint finances, whatever his views? are your finances entirely separate?

Dozer · 22/06/2016 09:01

Get a joint account and get him to pay into it. Then get a cleaner. If he's not happy he can do all the cleaning.

expatinscotland · 22/06/2016 09:02

'Yes, well partly he said he was tired and partly I noticed he was and it seemed silly to have a chat when if he's tired he isn't great to talk to he just needs leaving alone.'

Now imagine how this is going to go over if you have kids and both of you are permanently tired, but subjects need to be discussed.

MoreKopparbergthanKrug · 22/06/2016 09:04

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