Has anyone managed to.....

[Flyingdoggles]

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

We have a joint account and money was supposed to be being paid in monthly. It just hasn't happened for some reason, I need to talk to him about this too.

Yes the tired and kids part is very true

Maybe I am flogging a dead horse

It certainly doesn't sound hopeful! He seems to think a lot of himself and not as much of you, eg you are doing 90% of the domestics in addition to working and possibly paying more than your fair share too, and he's fine with that.

Perhaps an element of you "walking on eggshells"?

DH and I are often busy, work, DC, domestics, extended family issues. That doesn't mean we opt out of necessary adult stuff that needs to be done or discussed. Alright if things are especially stressful we might leave a tricky discussion but your guy seems to want to be treated with extra care cos he can't deal with bog standard adult life, and that's without DC!

Our place is organised along runrabbits lines.

We don't have kids. My DH does all of the food shopping and all of the cooking, including making juice for breakfast, and takes out the recycling and rubbish. I do everything else (cleaning, laundry, washing up). We don't have a garden or pets. He works slightly longer hours than me so this is a fair split. Plus I detest cooking and he loves it and is better than me. I like cleaning, though I would never tell him this. He also takes me anywhere I need to go, and as I don't drive I see this as one of his chores and value it because running me about takes time out of his day (self employed).

Because he is responsible for everything food related, he is supposed to clean the fridge and chuck out old food but he doesn't. It is a biohazard but I'm not budging. He had a habit of taking me along food shopping while we were out but I told him I wasn't using my downtime to do his chores, so now he goes out alone on Sunday mornings. He will try to take the piss (way too many takeaways at one time) but then we all can from time to time, but then if I've taken on extra hours which can happen now and again, bumping me up to full time, he will do the hoovering and maybe clean the bog, voluntarily. It took a long time to get there but you have to be fierce. He's a good egg really. I think he thought he had the lion's share of chores at one point until I said to him that my tasks often seem hidden, as who would ever notice I'd scrubbed down all the kitchen cabinets and wiped them dry, etc. Cleaning is a hidden chore, mostly because I keep up with it every day, the place is very clean and I suspect he thinks it looks like that naturally. Lol

Agree with rabbit that if he shows an unwillingness to compromise you should ditch his selfish ass pronto. Good on your girl, you are not a slave, this is the 21st century.

'Maybe I am flogging a dead horse'

We all have. But there comes a time when the wisest thing to do it leave it dead and find an adult to have a relationship with. It's an easy trap to fall into, but as you can see from so many posters on here, it leads to long-term misery/divorce because people like this don't usually change. Their fundamental world view is that lifework is wifework and someone else's to manage.

Everything you post is all him, him, him. How he needs a list of chores, how he reacts when you try to have a mature discussion with him, how he has to be left alone when tired, etc etc. It's all how you can solve this.

A person who loves and respects you should be doing that in equal parts.

He's not. Any suggestion you have, 'Let's get a cleaner,' is met with the equivalent of, 'No, that's your job. Not going to do my share and not going to pay for someone to do it.'

He doesn't respect you. And love is respect.

I think that is the issue with cleaning, if its maintained no one really notices its done. I give the kitchen a little once over daily (surfaces and hob) and hoover every few days (depending on the dogs shedding). He is unaware of this as its just clean in there. I did, however, leave it before to see what happened. 4 weeks lapsed before I couldn't take it anymore and cleaned it. I did the same with the bathroom, again I lasted 4 weeks.

Maybe I need to be more willing to let an argument come out of this situation, I'll try again tonight

We do both have hobbies which take us out of the house 3/4 nights a week each but I'll get in and do whatever needs doing whereas he wants to have a relax on the whole in the evenings.

I want to relax in the evenings. My DH wants to relax in the evenings.

Don't you want to relax in the evenings?

The difference here is that you let him do all the relaxing because you are scared of an argument.

Why are you scared of arguments? How do you two argue?

You have to fight your corner love, it is inevitable. He's just not being fair. Give it to him both barrels, it is really really important. We all wish to avoid conflict as much as possible, but he's creating conflict, not you. You are spending your time doing unpaid work, when you could be making money or doing something you love. That is slavery. Fuck dat!

How dare he say you can't get a cleaner. How dare he!

I would love to relax in the evenings but I just can't knowing there are chores to do, the knowledge they need doing sits on my mind.

I did relax last night for a bit which was nice but I knew downstairs needs cleaning and the upstairs bathroom needs cleaning and so I couldn't relax fully.

Real hatred of arguments, I am an only child so am terrible at it (never learnt to argue with siblings and on the whole had a fab relationship with parents). Will back down as soon as someone gets cross. He is the youngest child of 3 and can really argue and get cross and I end up backing down as I don't like it.

Hopefully he steps it up, we will see

Ah, I see. I am the youngest of three and I have no problem saying MINE otherwise I wouldn't have ever had any sweets or toys. Can you get a book on assertiveness, or read online today a bit?

He sounds like an asshole I'm afraid. I mean, in a couple of months he may be ancient history, but if you have an issue with asserting yourself then that is always worth looking at, because unless your next partner is a saint or has a vagina, you will always have this unfair labour problem.

I think it's him that's giving you an inability to relax. You do not always have to be doing to prove yourself.

That's a bad dynamic, avoiding arguments and letting the other person have their way, when in this case their way is clearly very unfair on you.

Having DC with someone like this would be a huge risk - inadviseable. He seems unwilling to treat you like an equal and with respect.

I've never had this housework issue before, I've travelled around the world living with previous partners (well 2) and they've always just done stuff.

I am working on asserting myself, the relationship is in a major bad patch from this as I've just had enough and ended up feeling like shite about it.

Not being able to relax is my issue as i hate the place being dirty, untidy I can handle but not dirty.

Have you ever had a relationship that you thought was fair? I am trying to understand if you are like this most of the time, or just with him?

I have cohabited with men three times before meeting husband. It was very much along the lines of you and your partner. I was a bit of a martyr who blew her stack once a quarter. Not pretty. It changed nothing. I mean you may just have to chalk this one up to experience because he sounds like a difficult character (won't let you get a cleaner, I mean wtaf?). And just say next time you even think about moving in with someone, make sure the ground rules are established before you get through the front door with them. I didn't really have any established hobbies until recently, because I was always doing bloody housework, but now our house runs like a dream, apart from the fridge and him leaving bristles in the sink I've just cleaned, nothing ever erupts anymore, and I spend two days a week creatifying and now about to get an online business up and running. I can let shit slide a bit because he generally has good intent, but if it gets like he is s a lazy bastard who lies around the house in his pyjamas not doing very much, which happens, I can calmly say "OI, lazy bastard, how about some dinner, it is 9pm?" calmly and with humour but a bit of menace ;) He might not like me much for saying it, but he always always respects me. You never know, he might respect you more, if you speak up. Doesn't mean you should stay with the mofo, but he will not see this coming, and he might admire you more.

I remember watching something about committed relationships once, I forget what it was now, but it stayed with me. They were asking the man in the heterosexual relationship, what made them first fall in love with the woman, I mean really, not just lust or initial infatuation. Every single time it was after the woman had got medieval with him over something he had done which was really bad manners.

Crossed post with yours, in which you answered some questions I had asked you.

I've never had to ask partners to do stuff in the past, its just kind of been done. We've lived together a while now (3 years!) but in that time he has spent 2 years 6 months working away a good 4/5 nights a week so its only recently his laziness has become apparent.

However, in many ways he is a good guy. I trust him completely with other women, would never worry if he had close female friends as I know he wouldn't cheat. He can be fun and funny, we share a hobby which we do together every saturday.

He is also insanely grumpy when tired or hungry. Likes to have time to relax after walking in the front door before doing anything (at least an hour). Can be quite short with me or talk in what comes across as a condescending manner (but is the same with everyone)

No one is perfect, I know that I just can't seem to work out whether to persevere or just cut my losses now

We just both stick to what we're good at. DH cooks and cleans up afterwards (we do have a dishwasher). I keep the house tidy, do laundry and do the admin.

On a weekend we both clean at the same time. I tend to dust, clean windows and bathrooms and DH follows me around and hoovers/mops. It takes us about an hour/90 minutes to do that usually.

For us, it works because DH needs to eat so it motivated to cook. He also gets that we both work FT and it's only fair.

There will be times that I cook because he's too busy with work but he never just puts a wash on or sorts out some house admin. He wouldn't think to do it.

Perhaps just take your cue from what happens after you tackle this with him?

If we both stuck to what we're good at he would do nothing and I would do it all, actually he would do his ironing and possibly clean the cars.

I really want to take note of everything we both do in a week and show him the list to compare but I think that wouldn't be appreciated

I really want to take note of everything we both do in a week and show him the list to compare but I think that wouldn't be appreciated

I don't think that would really go down well. Unless you're both equally motivated I think it helps to have a plan in place so definitely write down a list of all jobs with an idea of how often they need to be done and then divide them between you.

cf.ltkcdn.net/cleaning/files/96-Household_Chores_Checklist.pdf

Plus house admin - bills etc.

Not cheating is a basic expectation in a relationship.

So, he clearly has a number of indicators of being a poor long term partnet.

Your description of him - grumpy, self-absorbed, short and curt, doesn't handle stress well - is just SO unappealing. Why are you with? You can find a funny hobby partner elsewhere as well as, separately, a lover who isn't a selfish lazy man-baby.

Him unilaterally vetoing the cleaner should have been your cue to leave. He doesn't respect you or love you; he thinks it's fine for YOU to be his unpaid maid. And what is with the money; is he shirking on pYing his share as well?

Oh fuck! The housework issue bad enough.

Not acting fairly on finances

Shutting you down whenever you try to discuss anything 'difficult'

'Needing' an hour to unwind when he gets home

NONE of that is acceptable an is a massive red flag for the future and especially for having kids!

My ex was a supreme arse in many ways but prior to us splitting he was not only fair with finances but I could have robbed him blind he wouldn't have cared. Slight hitch at the beginning as I moved to live with him and wasn't working first few months so I did the majority (but even then not all) of the housework and when I DID start work he thought I'd just carry on! Disenfranchised him of that idea in the first week! and he absolutely held his hands up apologised and pulled his weight.

The only child thing feels a bit of a cop out to be honest. I know several only children and they have no problem standing up for themselves. I'm not convinced you had a perfect relationship with your parents (partly as nobody does) and also because there will be a reason you fear confrontation so much. Not being used to it is rarely true.

IMHO you need to go out of the house for a coffee (not alcohol) and have a serious but calm discussion about he needs to grow up show you some respect or you're done!

He said he is going to step up the housework, he has also been making an effort to be less grumpy lately - he knows he does it.

Does pay his share but can take a while to transfer the money when I've asked for it.

Like I said, I am giving him one last chance and if he doesn't up his game, yes it will be over. Its stupid though as we do get on really well as long as everything is done.

There really is no need for being slow on the money, a simple standing order solves that transferring the money into the joint account on a regular (monthly if paid monthly)basis.

Words are cheap, judge him on his actions

Yes, I will judge him on actions

I will talk to him about the money situation again and make it clear these things are non negotiable

I suspect given how bad things have been lately that it will break us up if I am assertive about this