Has anyone managed to.....

[Flyingdoggles]

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

As others have said - don't have children with him unless you sort this. I wish I had had this advice before I did with my DH. I now sort all the DCs stuff - washing, clothes, admin, clubs, lunches etc as well as all the washing, cleaning, shopping, house admin, most of the gardening etc etc and if I complain - well I only work part time (3 days a week) so I have more time to do it and I care about it more than him. Over the years this has led to such a resentment on my part that I am contemplating divorce. If it werent for the DCs and the financial implications I would have years ago. In his mind I am just petty and constantly grumpy. In my mind he is a lazy arse. We should have agreed firm ground rules of acceptable chore division when we first lived together - much harder now.

Yes that's what's I'm worried about

Same here. Did everything apart from cut the grass. Along came kids and I carried on doing everything, and kids stuff and pick ups and sick days and still worked. Result - massive resentment on my behalf. We are now going through a divorce. Never again will I live with a man unless the ground rules are sorted first. I am not here to be a man's domestic servant.

Have you asked him why he thinks it's okay to sit on his bum all night while you do all the housework?

'Yes that's what's I'm worried about'

Wisely. He says he'll do it later and never does. He puts all the blame on you. Don't enable it.

He's still not home so no chat yet.....

What happens to the things he says he will do later but never does?

Don't marry him! Can you imagine just being pregnant and doing everything? Then the baby comes and you're on MAL and he thinks you're sitting at home doing nothing all day and where's his dinner?

I feel quite sorry for you in that you are willing to try to fix things. He isn't because from his PoV nothing needs fixing. And he won't agree to a cleaner- well, you're doing it all so why should he is his thinking. He thinks it's all women's work.

i don't know how you could get into bed with him tbh. I bet you change the sheets etc don't you? Do you do all the finances as well? Running home inc. whilst the big boss puts his feet up. If he pulled his socks up a bit you might get the chance to time to have fun together.

If you got a cleaner would he actually refuse to pay his share?

Slight tangent but do you not have a shared household bills account ? Or some other shared finances ? If so just start paying a cleaner out of that and when it runs short tell him he needs to put more in. Surely ??

And if he asks why the outgoing shave gone up you say we're paying for the cleaner now and if he says I didn't agree to that you do a tinkly little laugh and say 'oh darling I thought you were joking! Who on earth doesn't want to do housework but also doesn't want a cleaner!' And brazen it out.

*outgoings have

We don't have a joint account

Yes I pay all bills because they're in my name from when we moved in together. He then transfers me half the money

Yes I change the bed sheets, although if I ask he has done that before occasionally

I usually end up doing the things he says he will do later as I get fed up of waiting a week later

Ok so book a cleaner, add it to the weekly bills, tell him they've gone up by £x a month, if he asks why then tell him.
Job done.

He has never even had to calculate the bills or choose a utility supplier? He didn't even sort that out when you moved in together? What a toss pot.

Seems like you spend a lot of time waiting for him to do something: cut the grass, come home, do what he said he would do 1, do what he said he would do 2, do what he said he would do 3...

You mentioned that you have put a lot of time into this relationship. More waiting for him?

Who did all the leg work for the house and mortgage?

Another one here who got exhausted after 18 years.

Ask him if he would 'do it later' when his boss asks him to perform a task. A task which is essential to his job. Point out to him he would never be so incompetent at work so what gives him the right to be so at home

And I guarantee in a few years time he will blame you for all the problems in your relationship and call you a nag.

Can I say booking a cleaner doesn't resolve the problem "as to if" you have a child and may not have the money to afford a cleaner it will be down to you again to be the cleaner of home. Then the old resentment come back again.

Well he got in late so the chat didn't go as planned as he was tired

He agreed he needs to do half of the housework.....but asked if we can talk about it when he's not tired

Oh, Jesus wept! What a tosspot.

Frankly is of course completely correct that a cleaner doesn't solve the problem of whether you want to have a child with this man. It does however prevent you from finding bird of pasta sticking to your feet when you go into the kitchen to make a cuppa in the morning

Seriously though, yeah, kids is a whole other thing and this guy doesn't sound as though he's a keeper in that regard I'm afraid. Unless he gets his shit together pretty damn soon.

*bits. Not bird. Ffs autocorrect.

Flying.... Why did he get home so late?

Just curious as you expected him ages ago.

Something to do with work, ended up staying late

I don't think I did the chat right to be fair, but I could see he was tired so if I had it works have been a row

Whats there to talk about.
You have stated what you want and he needs to step up.
Its always the same old tired response isn't it.
"oh baby I've had a hard day cant we talk about this later when I have more energy to tell you the same old shit.
That I will get of my old lazy backside and help out instead of the same old chilling on this nice comfortable couch while you carry on with the cleaning op