Has anyone managed to.....

[Flyingdoggles]

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

I've re-read my many posts on this thread (on my long train journey).

I shook my head at myself.

You have no children. You both work full time. He is particular about how you talk to him. He has let you do all the housework even though you have told him you don't want to. He does not respect you. Therefore the marriage is dead already. Which I think you actually know in your heart already reading back your posts.

Perhaps you want a last ditch effort to set your mind at rest. Tell him you need him to do 50% of the work starting now. Ask him to make a proposal of how it will work. Ask him how long he needs to put it together. He takes the lead on the fair division of labour. That's your fastest route to finding out for sure if he respects you or not.

We're not married, we do own a home together

I would like, if it ends, to know I tried everything

'You pull your weight and keep doing it, we get a cleaner, or we split up, but I'm not going to live like this. '

He doesn't like it when you argue back. He refuses to listen to you. TBH, this would be a dealbreaker for me because believe me, such people usually get far, far worse when kids come on the scene because they are inherently very selfish.

No 'keeping notes', no 'training (he's a fucking adult), no spelling it out like a 3-year-old.

I know what you mean op, it does sound immature, but to be honest, his behaviour is immature.

You don't deserve to be treated like a skivvy for the rest of your life.

OK, if he says he does just as much as I do what do I say to that?

'OK, if he says he does just as much as I do what do I say to that?'

You say, No, you don't. Because he doesn't and he fucking well knows this. He leaves it to you because he sees this as your job and his right is to 'relax'.

Laugh. Then start planning the divorce. It proves he has no awareness or respect. He would even tell stupid lies to avoid equality.

Rabbit is spot on.

I also think you should try this -

New option. Swap for 6 months. Everything he does now, you do, everything you do now he does. If he doesn't do it you know he's not a keeper.

How could he complain? If he says 'but that's not fair' then how the fuck can he think it's fair for you to do it?

Tbh though I'd find such a manchild deeply unattractive. And I'd tell him so.

Right, ok, thank you all for your help.

Hopefully it will go ok and I won't come back to this thread a single lady

You leave it to him to fix, because it's his problem. If he doesn't and doesn't take ownership of it, there's your answer. Tbh, the writing's on the wall, anyway. People like this don't usually change because they inherently see it as a woman's job.

OK, if he says he does just as much as I do what do I say to that

Laugh in his face and ask him to list it.

Then offer to swap jobs again. If he does as much as you, surely there's no problem?

'Hopefully it will go ok and I won't come back to this thread a single lady'

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

I'm not seeing him til past 8pm so any more wise words between now and then would be much appreciated

The "funny about how he is spoken to" is worrisome. Do you tiptoe around his feelings?

Errm, I guess I do a bit.

Please don't stand for it.

I made the mistake and thought it doesn't matter that much (as it didn't too much pre DC) but once I had a DD and I was working FT, doing all the drop offs and pick ups, cooking, washing and cleaning it damn near killed me.

FWIW we got divorced and he found someone else within a year who now does all that for him with a smile on his face and I've found someone who can act like a grown up and knows how to cook, clean, use the washer etc. So much happier!

Yeah, i can't go on as I am. I've had enough now

smile on her face - he didn't find a husband

How have your discussions gone in the past?

And it's not 'just housework', it's this person's entire attitude towards you and your life together. It's his way or the highway. The cleaner thing, the you pay for it, that is telling you that all housework is your job. He's a grown up. He knows exactly what he's doing. You don't need to 'readjust your standards of cleanliness' for his benefit, go on strike, nag, plead, train, make lists, etc. He's an adult who is telling you who he is: the top dog in the relationship. You rock the boat, he doesn't allow it. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Ask him why, as a grown adult, he thinks he can opt out of cleaning after himself. Why does he think it's okay to come from work and let his partner clean up his mess while he sits on his bum all night?

Discussions in the past have gone with me saying I need more help and him saying he does his share basically

It's not 'help'! It is pulling his weight in life. He thinks this is your job.

Stop phrasing it as help! Help is optional.

Cleaning up after yourself as a grown adult is not optional. Why does he seem to think it is?

He always says he will do it later but never does