H read my CC statement he's not happy

[totalblindspot]

I've had the silent treatment all evening and him muttering under his breath about my spending. I've got 3k on there which has built up over 5/6 months. It's mainly family spends, weekly shop, petrol, kids stuff. Nothing extravagant at all.

I was an idiot for forgetting to shred it. Gah!

you seem very blasé about running your family into debt. 3K is a lot of money. How will you pay it off? It must be gaining interest too.

Why did you put family spending on a credit card?

Why hasn't family spending come out of joint money?

Why are you buying food etc on it?

Do you normally pay it off or pay minimum? Is it 0 percent?

Running my family into debt?

You mean feeding and clothing my pre schoolers with no access to family income as a sahm.

Fwiw I've been paying it off in chunks. I'm blase about it because I've been here before. Not much I say or do makes much difference.

It's better it's out in the open so that's the first step.How do you manage finances as a couple?

Family spending goes on the CC because more often than not there's not enough in the joint acc.

So he's financially abusive

You don't have to be rude. I don't know your posting history. Is your Dh not contributing to paying for food and basics?
I don't think using a credit card is very clever either way.

We don't manage finances as a couple. H manages all the finances. I get a set amount in the joint acc for household spending. But he's always drawing down on it for other spends.

I normally pay off about £700 a month, get close to clearing it then it builds up again and the cycle continues.

At least when he doesn't know about it I don't get the lecture followed by huffs and silence.

Apologies for being a little bit prickly Buttock but I responded in the same tone that you posted. I agree it's a lot of money to most but it's a small fraction of what comes in each month.

You and your husband need to discuss your finances.
Using your CC like this is a poor choice (no pun intended)

We've talked about it many times. He wants me to ask him for money and I find that completely humiliating. We have a joint account which he can see is running low on funds. Yet he needs me to tell him I need more money. Then I get scrutinised on how much I've spent on food etc. Food that he's eating. I can't get my head round it. I just can't.

You need to do a little reading on financial abuse. Start with Lundy Bancroft 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'

Ask him for money indeed!

That sounds totally degrading. Where is the rest of the household money? Sound like you need access to more of that.
Easier typed than done, but you husband needs to clear the CC bill AND increase the money into the joint account. He is abusing you by restricting access to household funds, and not valuing your work as a SAHM.

But equally, shredding the CC bill so he doesn't see it isn't part of a caring sharing relationship.

I hope you can get to a good solution soon, that gives you the respect and access to funds you deserve

Set it up to online statements only and never ever let him know the password.
Without being blaze about people who get into serious trouble, if you are being sensible, borrow only what you can repay and can afford the repayments I can't see how having a CC debt would be a problem.
There is however a whole another issue on how he controls your access to the money but I think that's another discussion.

The bank we bank with has a great online site that categorizes your purchases (once you put some information in place). All my purchases at store A goes towards groceries, store B is always pet food etc. Then it generates a nice pie chart/bar graph/ more options. This might help your husband visualize the spending.

So there is enough money coming into the household, but he makes you grovel to get reasonable access to it?

Yes, that sounds like financial abuse.

What kinds of things does he spend the money on when he takes it out of the joint account?

It is financial abuse.

To start with, remind him of what family money means. If you're not happy with how things are, and you're married, upon divorce at least half of marital assets are yours and he will owe you child maintenance and possibly spousal maintenance (or equivalent in assets) for not working to take care of the child.

Then insist that there is enough in the joint account for family expenditures every month. Nothing on the credit card. Tell him the shopping needs done or baby needs clothes and he gets them, if he doesn't put enough on the joint account.

Finally, full financial disclosure and you get the same personal allowance as him, after bills are paid and money goes to savings account. Insist you have similar savings.

BUT be honest with yourself and make sure that you haven't been overspending unnecessarily.

Are his other spends for him alone?

If so, tell him he took x £££ out of the joint account for his personal y so you had to spend the x he took on the cc. So the cc is actually the cost of whatever he had. So he can STFU.

It is abusive. I couldn't live this way.

I normally pay off about £700 a month, get close to clearing it then it builds up again and the cycle continues.

I agree it's a lot of money to most but it's a small fraction of what comes in each month.

I think we need to know more before people scream financial abuse. If you can pay off £700 a month it doesn't sound as though you should be that short - unless you have heavy mortgage/ loans etc to pay. I'd be like a pig in shit if I had £700 a month to spend on food/ petrol/ kids - but I may have misunderstood. However, if you've also got bills out of that its a bit of a different story. If we knew how much went in and what you had to pay for out of it we'd get a clearer picture of what's going on.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about your spending. Then have an open discussion with your DH. Finances shouldn't be hidden like this within a marriage nor should you be begging for money. The credit card cycle is one it would be good to find a way to break - if nothing else because you will be wasting quite a bit of money on interest.

Superb advice from mathanxiety please read that post and take the advice.

You do not need to live like this. Money is family money, not just his. Has he always been controlling about money? Do you both own your home?

It is financial abuse when he can see the money is running low, doesn't top it up and expects OP to ask for money and then questions where all the money goes.

I have been a SAHM for 11 years and never have to ask for money. I told Dh for this to work I wouldn't ask for housekeeping money. Even the bloody phrase housekeeping makes me shudder. It is so 1950s.

We have a joint credit card which is paid off automatically in full every month. He trusts me not to be ridiculous with spending and I trust him to do the same.

We have been together 20 years and have 2 children. He knows a pair of school shoes for wide footed Ds1 will cost £40-£50 so he is in touch with the reality of how much children cost.

It sounds like the OP's husband may not realise how much it costs to clothe and feed a family. The constant scrutiny would be soul destroying for me to have to justify every purchase.

"We don't manage finances as a couple. H manages all the finances. I get a set amount in the joint acc for household spending"

He clearly does not manage the finances very well at all, this only benefits him and I daresay he spends money on whatever he chooses. You have no say in those decisions. He also wants you to ask him for money, apart from this being demeaning its also abusive in nature.

This type of abuse is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people. Its another way of control.

Do you know how much he earns, how much actually comes in every month? Probably not.

His behaviour is financially abusive and you have already stated you do not get full access to family money. You've become completely financially dependent on him.

You and in turn your children do not have to live like this. Reading Lundy Bancroft's book may also open your eyes further.

I would also consider getting your post moved over to the Relationships forum as well.