H read my CC statement he's not happy

[totalblindspot]

I've had the silent treatment all evening and him muttering under his breath about my spending. I've got 3k on there which has built up over 5/6 months. It's mainly family spends, weekly shop, petrol, kids stuff. Nothing extravagant at all.

I was an idiot for forgetting to shred it. Gah!

How would he react if you lived according to your means, and told him there was no dinner tonight?

He wants to keep you in credit card debt because in his head you need money to leave him, this keeps you trapped. Its one of many ways in which financially abusive men control their victims.

He's setting you up to 'fail' (in his eyes) so he can make you miserable and justify his control. Vicious circle for you. Where is the rest of his momney going? Presumably on savings/toys for him. What does he take the joint account money out for? By his logic you have as much right to quiz him on that (as that money is supposed to be for household use) as he has to quiz you. Have you asked him why he wants you to ask for money, and what does he say?

I never understand cohabiting/married couples with kids having separate finances, but this is more extreme than most.

I would also consider getting your post moved over to the Relationships forum as well.

Because where it is now people don't give proper advice?

Hi Lweji

That was my mistake, I noticed the initial post was on Relationships after I wrote that comment.

My excuse is that it is still early!.

However he's only just seen that money is running low. Without knowing what his income. Is and how much goes on rent mortgage insurance car repayments season ticket etc it's hard to say that £700 is "Financial abuse", I'd think in most families that's a pretty good allocation to food and clothing. If you've run up £5k on credit cards you're choosing to spend £1k a year on interest - perhaps he's unhappy about that if cash is tight. Or if it's not then having savings earning 0.5% and borrowing at 25% isn't that smart.

Although huffs and silent treatment are pretty babyish.

Perhaps you could talk together about changing the way finances are managed and see where it all goes.

Yeah, I think it's almost like a script. :)

Anyway, OP, you're getting Attilla and Maths on your case, you're in good hands (not joking). And good advice throughout.

maartjebaabes
Financial abuse is not about the amounts involved. It's about the control, the humiliation of having to ask for money and the sulking.

It doesn't sound like you can afford to be a SAHM and dependent on him. Get yourself back to work, either splitting childcare costs or working shifts around each other

He will get worse so stand up to him or accept it.

And stop buying food and clothes and everything else for him.

When you serve up dinner for you and the DC tell him there wasn't enough money to buy for one more..

There is nothing to indicate whether or not the amount of spending is reasonable as we've no idea what money is left over. The being made to beg for money is always unreasonable though.

I'm not convinced he's being unreasonable. If she's paying off £700 of credit card bills and managing to pay most of her expenses a month out of the joint account I imagine there is a very healthy amount in the joint account.
It sounds from ops comment that she is repeatedly getting them in debt thus him asking her to discuss when they've run out.
I get that people should have joint access when someone is a sahm mum but only if that person is being responsible you wouldn't expect someone to pay an extra 3k on top of a very healthy budget if the op is just overspending repeatedly.
Anyway that is just my reading there really isn't enough info for me to know that but I really don't think there is enough info to say the husband is being emotionally abusive either.

I would also think he will actively try and prevent any attempts by the OP to go back to work. Anyway she is working looking after her children.

She and in turn them are not being given enough money to live on and debt results as there is no full access to family money. She has to ask him for funds. That is a situation purely of his own making, it is all designed to keep her financially dependent on him. Its about control.

Lweji

Obviously. But everyone's leaping to say he's financial abusing when it seems she's been hiding debts from him. Not the other way round.

Parcelling a finite income into different amounts is not financial abuse. one partner handling most of the finances is not abusive. Control was your word.

We don't have enough other information to say that either party is abusive. For example what is family income?

If it's not enough then they should discuss. Why do you think discussing family finances as grown ups would be humiliating?

at the moment we've just heard of huffs and the silent treatment for an evening. That's babyish but there'd have to more than just one shocked reaction to her keeping debts secret from himcall it abuse.

You say he uses the money in the joint account...does it have an overdraft? Can you just keep using the joint account instead of a cc? If it were me I'd do a huge online shop when I knew there was money in there and put some money on a supermarket store card to cover the rest of the month. Maybe take out some cash too, total of these actions around £700. Then you don't have to go to him with a begging bowl...

He is hiding finances from her. Sulking when finding out she has spent on the family. Making her ask for money.
He clearly trusts her enough to have a credit card. And put food on the table.

£3000 is s lot of money on a credit card. If you are reliant on "family money" then you need to discuss what you are spending as a family.

Where does the £700 to pay it off come from? The joint account?

I'm not sure I'm understanding this properly.

Do you get £700 a month from the joint account towards the household expenses or is that just the amount you are paying off on the CC each month?

If you've run up £3k of debt over 5-6 months then that's £500+ per month on top of the money you get from the joint account.

Seems quite a lot to me.

How is he hiding finances from her? She's hiding them from him!! And it may not have all been spent on the family? The OP could be a total spendthrift. There's always so many assumptions in these threads!!

We don't manage finances as a couple. H manages all the finances. I get a set amount in the joint acc for household spending. But he's always drawing down on it for other spends.

Then I get scrutinised on how much I've spent on food etc

Does this mean he reads the bank statement or quizzes you or what?

I was a SAHM a lot and there was one jt account.

I'd love to know where he thinks the food in the cupboards appears from, if he isn't providing the money to buy it?

It bet he doesn't have to run up a credit card debt to buy the things he decides he needs for himself either?

So sorry you are living like this, OP. It is humiliating, and it is abusive - however lovely he seems to be day to day.

I once had to ask a friend to lend me money to buy some tampons, as I had no access to family money . Ex confiscated my bank cards as I was 'massively overspending' (I wasn't!). Don't end up like I did, OP.

I don't understand why people are jumping to conclusions of financial abuse.

In my relationship, I "manage" the money. I'm not controlling I'm just more organised than my partner! It comes in, I send it in various directions, and what's left I put in the joint account. I let him know what's in there and when it's running low. He's more than welcome to do whatever he wants but he's just not as organised as me, and that might be the case here too - normally one or the other manages finances if they are joint, surely?

How is that hiding stuff from her? She could be totally happy with that arrangement.