H read my CC statement he's not happy

[totalblindspot]

I've had the silent treatment all evening and him muttering under his breath about my spending. I've got 3k on there which has built up over 5/6 months. It's mainly family spends, weekly shop, petrol, kids stuff. Nothing extravagant at all.

I was an idiot for forgetting to shred it. Gah!

How quickly can you go back to work?

Regardless of why it's happening, this doesn't work for you. Being a SAHM and relying on him for money isn't working, you're getting into debt, he's getting annoyed, and it's unlikely that you'll be able to change fundamentally different views on family finances.

It's worth reviewing why you have different views at some stage - do you have a budget that it's not possible to stick too? Do you have a budget that you could stick too but as he earns lots, you'd like to be able to spend more? Is he financially abusive? But that's not as important as making sure you're not relying on him for money.

It doesn't sound like there's any love lost between you, anyway. If he knows that you'd find it humiliating to ask for money and he still wants you to do so, his opinion of you is low. And your opinion of him seems pretty low, too. I'd consider if this is the family environment that you want your children growing up in.

Get a job first, though, and some financial stability and independence.

Surely it depends what he's spending the money on from the account?
If he's taking it out to fix the car, or replace the washing machine. Thats not abuse.
If he's taking it out to fuck off to golf leaving the family short, yes it is.

Only when you know which it is, depends what you should do.

I don't think you can call financial abuse so easily.

If there's enough left to pay £700 off a credit card every month, then the OP must be getting a fairly huge amount of money in the first place.

She doesn't have the pay the mortgage, just petrol, food and things for the children. We don't know whether she has lots of children and expenses (have they got SN, for example) and the amount she's getting is insufficient, or is she spending money on expensive things when the family budget doesn't support it?

We don't know either way. Her DH has said if she doesn't have enough, all she needs to do is ask, but if she's choosing to go into debt instead of speaking to her husband, can we really say he's being financially abusive?

Also, if she's running things up on a CC behind his back, how is he supposed to know she needs more money?

There seems to be a huge lack of communication between the two, but I can't imagine a situation where I can afford to pay £700 off a credit card each month and still be accruing more debt.

I've read the Lundy Bancroft book. And I'm not sure what to make of it tbh. Trying to figure out what part I play in this.

So many questions not sure which to answer first.

No, I don't have debt problems. No, I'm not an over spender. I know it's hard for some to understand but 3K for us isn't unmanageable.

I do have a habit of concealing things if I know I'm going to get into trouble iykwim. I don't have any expensive hobbies. Rarely go out for dinner/drinks etc.

I'm not going to excuse doing it because most likely I'll be doing it again. My children always come first. What other options do I have? After nearly 10 years together, I wouldn't have posted if we hadn't discussed it, argued my case and got absolutely no where. He hates spending money. And I spend when I have to. If I waited for his approval to buy the kids essentials they would go without. I do give him a heads up if it's a big purchase.

DH salary gets paid into his acc. Bills get paid from his acc. He earns 100k + a lot more depending on his bonuses. We have other income, around 2.5k that comes into the joint acc each month, this is meant to be for food, kids clubs, petrol, my mobile, cleaner and the gardener. Its when he dips into it unexpectedly and leaves me short.

Mortgage is 1200k. Just the usual bills. I've got no visibility on what else he spends on, or what other bills we have apart from the odd receipt I come across etc. The bills/ mortgage aren't in my name anyway. Most recently he spent over a grand on alloys with no discussion. Golf membership that he pays for but never uses.

You need a job.

You cannot financially rely on him, you are getting yourself into debt. If you've argued about it for years, it won't change. You need your own income.

The bills/ mortgage aren't in my name anyway.

I'd be taking a good look at that, too.

What would happen if you took that £2500 out and put it in your account?
It does sound like he's either financially abusing you, shit at talking to you or really shit at money.
The conversation goes "have you got much more to go ut of the joint account this month? Ive seen some alloys i want for my car?"
Although givem his 100k earnings id expect that to come out his account, after all he's not actually giving you any money as it comes from the other account. so he's quite happily sitting on a small fortune every month, there shouldn't be any need to dip into the joint

So 2.5k comes into the joint account for YOU and the children a month from income from other income?

5.5k salary a month goes into his own personal account for HIM and some bills (1,200 mortgage and other household bills).

So minimum:
he has 3.5k for fun
you and the children have 2.5 for food, shoes, activities, cleaner, gardener

and he needs to borrow from your account? Something is wrong here

He 'hates' spending money unless it's for him. It is financial abuse if the sole earner isn't spending the majority of his income on his family.

Getting a low-paid job could potentially make the OP worse, rather than better, off if her husband insists she pays for everything out of her earnings.

"What other options do I have"

Its as short as stay or leave. You have tried talking to him and it clearly has not worked. This is also because he is happy as he is. He likes seeing you short of funds, it gives him power over you. Abuse is about power and control, its not about a lack of communication.

"The bills/ mortgage aren't in my name anyway"
Not surprised at that. There is little to no financial transparency here in your relationship and he has a vast amount of power when it comes to the finances.

"Most recently he spent over a grand on alloys with no discussion"
Not surprised at that either, his earnings are his alone in his mind to spend as he pleases.

You stated that his salary goes into his account; is it the case that from that account he then divvies out some money to you for the joint account?. Why is he at all dipping into that when he has his own account anyway?

I have noted that you give him a head's up if you make a big purchase (which I would think you never have done anyway) so there are double standards here. Also he hates you spending money, I am not at all surprised that you owe money on the credit card (and that is a deliberate move on his part as well). It keeps you where you are now.

"I do have a habit of concealing things if I know I'm going to get into trouble iykwim"

Why did you kick yourself so for forgetting to shred the credit card statement?. Where did that mind set above really begin, where has this got its roots in?. I think you need to think on that some more and work out the root causes of that.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You get something out of it so what exactly is it?. What needs of yours are being met here?

Would you want your children to have a relationship like yours now as adults? I should think not. What do you think they are learning from the two of you about relationships here?

The last conversation earlier this month went a bit like this.

DH: I'm taking 800 out of the joint.
Me: what for?
DH: X bill needs paying.
Me: How much have you got in your acc?
DH: not enough.
Me: ok, but I'll have £200 to last me just over 2 weeks.

he takes it anyway.

We have major issues with communication. I feel talked at. Like a child. My opinions are often dismissed. So I keep quiet to keep the peace and let him get on with it.

If I transferred it all to my personal acc. He'd not be happy. It's not worth the agro tbh.

I think the issue here is him dipping into the account that s suppose to be for household expenses. From the £3k debt he has been doing this a lot.

It's very abusive. DH's salary gets paid into his account. He then bungs money into the joint for me to use on whatever (it's all family stuff in the main). He tops it up when it needs it. If we've had an expensive month (like buying a replacement large item) he'll mention it so I know where we are.

I have never had to ask him for money. And we have waaaaaay less money than you.

I would start making myself financial independent of this arse and then, if necessary, make arrangements to leave. It sounds like you've had a lot of problems for a long time.

The more I read of your posts the more I am concerned for you and your children.

Women in financially abusive relationships feel unequal trapped and controlled. That is pretty much you now isn't it?.

Abuse is not about a lack of communication, its about having power and control and he further wielded that by removing £800 from the joint account. He thinks he has done nothing wrong because he told you. I am wondering if he has debt of his own that you know nothing of if he is doing this.

Keeping quiet to keep the peace is really also keeping you where you are as well. Its a tactic that is and has not worked out either.

I would contact Womens Aid and seek their further advice asap.

Attila It's a stupid habit. I know. I wish I didn't do it, I had a abusive childhood. We were hit a lot. It was easier to lie about stuff to avoid the consequences of whatever we had done. But that's another thread.

He is also being verbally abusive as well towards you. Refusing to talk about or validate your feelings is just as abusive as using words to put you down or humiliate you.

So out of the 2.5k a month for you and the children how much is he taking from that? I normally use 1k a month on pretty much the same as you, petrol/food/gardener/cleaner.

totalblindspot,

That comment of yours stood out initially and I thought I would ask you about the mindset behind it and where that started.

I am sorry that no-one stepped up to protect you from what happened. It is NOT your fault that happened to you and your sibling ; the fault solely lies with the perpetrator/s.

I think the whole set of damaging lessons you learnt in childhood has indeed played a large part in you actually being with this man now. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is like and you do not have that now.

NAPAC are helpful to those who were abused in childhood, you may well want to contact them at some point.

I don't know how to articulate it. But yes, when I raise it, he'll just sit there and say nothing, looking at me blankly. Admits he doesn't see the problem and is happy with the setup. The stock phrase he uses when I say I want to work "but I'm working hard for us all so you don't need to stress yourself working".

I'm so confused. Yes, he's very controlling when it comes to finances but he's still providing for us and paying bills etc. How can it be abusive when we're not going without?

Don't tell him you want to work. Go and do it. Get a job and make it happen.

You are completely beholden to him at this point and he treats you like you belong to him. You're reliant on someone who doesn't even seem to like you. He also seems to have a money problem - does he have an expensive gambling habit or something? Or is he hiding away some of his income?

But you are going without.
i.e. you have £3K worth of debt because of him and now you are going without your 'D'H talking to you and sulking!
That's not how a relationship works.

I would tell him that being at home bored out of my tiny mind is stressful and that I want to get a job and I'm going to find one.
You don't 'ask' another grown adults permission to do something you want to do that won't impact on the life you want.
He's got you well trained.
It's not confusing. You want to work so get a job.
You are an adult. It really SHOULD be that simple!!!

Prisoners don't go without either. You're a prisoner of his whim, with financial peace of mind constantly jerked out of reach to control you.

DW and I practise the "one pot" method. We did when we were on 12k a year, we still do it on 60k. It's just money. We starved, we've binged, we once went out for milk and bought a car. Occasionally one of us might say that takeaways are stopping for a fortnight, or to put the hairdresser on the CC.

We don't argue because, love.

Words aren't betting through as they just annoy him for a few moment rather then cause him real difficulties. You need to stop feeling him, etc. I was going to say he has to get real and understand food can be expensive now but it would be pointless as he likes things exactly as they are right now..

He likes your kids going without..

Words aren't getting..*

He is abusive because is controlling you. He is abusive because he is treating you like a child, not as an equal in the relationship.

I knew he wouldn't want you to get a job. Do you see much of your friends OP or have they sort of drifted away?

It's abusive because he's not treating you as an equal. He dismisses you and causes you stress as you try to manage money without having enough.
You have a huge combined income and tiny outgoings in comparison. You should not be stressing about money.
Unless he has a gambling or cocaine habit he must have thousands and thousands in savings.
If you're happy to be treated like a child/unpaid employee/lesser for the rest of your life then stay - or you could leave, get a job and with that plus maintenance you'd be laughing and able to make the decisions you need to to run your home properly.