H read my CC statement he's not happy

[totalblindspot]

I've had the silent treatment all evening and him muttering under his breath about my spending. I've got 3k on there which has built up over 5/6 months. It's mainly family spends, weekly shop, petrol, kids stuff. Nothing extravagant at all.

I was an idiot for forgetting to shred it. Gah!

LyndaNotLinda You are 100% correct, it was only one person. Not sure why I thought it was more than that. My error and I apologise to Total.

I also agree that it's not drip feeding, just offering concrete examples. I tend to associate drip feeding with when most posters disagree with the OP so they add stuff in to try and sway things back in their favour. This isn't the case here as most/all people agree that what Total's husband is doing is wrong.

Total Just wanted to add that I wasn't trying to scaremonger by saying he will do the same to your daughters. It's something I've seen happen to someone in the past. Her father bought her a house but kept it in his name. He gave her a job in the family business and bought her a car (also in his name). Basically he ensured that if she was ever to upset 'Daddy' she could be made homeless and unemployed. She's mid-forties now with children of her own and he's still controlling her in the same way. I imagine he'll continue to control her/her children from the grave by putting terms and conditions in his will about how they can spend any inheritance. He was, and still is, a totally toxic person.

I know - I checked

My BIL is in exactly the same situation as your friend. His wealthy father controls all his children and grandchildren with his money like some evil puppet master. Totally toxic

OP, this £2.5K income you get every month into the joint account, where does it come from? I.e. Is it your income or is it from another business/benefits/whatever? Who is the income attributable to? And if you removed it and paid it into your own account, would that be pheasible?

There is no doubt that there is inequality in your financial relationship, I.e. That he has far more access to money than you do. But equally £2500 is an awful lot of money to be paying out on food/clothes every month and regardless of the fact your DH is removing money from the joint account, you are still paying out that level of money on items which aren't household bills because you're putting the money he's taking out on to the credit card instead.

There needs to IMO be separation between the relationship between you and your DH which clearly is not a good relationship on many levels, but also you do need to look at what you're spending to see if you can bring this down. Interest on a card is a waste of money, so if you have money in an ISA I would suggest removing that and paying off your cards in the first instance.

But how much are you e.g. Paying out on food/clothes etc? This isn't as black and white as saying the bloke is financially abusive and the OP has no access to money. The OP is still spending £2500 a month and there are no bills included in that expenditure.

If the OP leaves her DH she will need to equate for bills as well in that amount.

It does sound as if there is abuse here, but it also sounds as if neither of them is particularly good with money, and that is something which both need to address, be that separately or together.

I think I remember someone posting a few months ago about a well paid dh who worked all hours and had moved his family to a house in the middle of nowhere, away from all his dw's friends, etc., because that's what he wanted, even though he was never home and his DW now felt depressed and isolated, etc, etc... Was that you, OP? I seem to remember the consensus then was also that he was a nasty, abusive man. Please do something to get yourself out of this situation.

wannabe where did I say I spent 2.5k on household expenses each month?

It's also not relevant where the money is coming from, its his attitude towards it. It is additional family income. Not my personal income but an income nonetheless. We have money. We have savings. We have investments. We have properties. I don't want to go into further details on the ins and outs of our financials on here.

If it weren't for DH's taking money out of the joint acc, often without so much as a heads up. I would have a big surplus each month.

I'll say it again, I don't overspend. I don't have expensive tastes. I'm not worried about buying second hand items from eBay both for myself and the girls, I have done in the past and will do again. That being said, why should I curb my spending because it upsets my H? Meanwhile he gets free reign on spending regardless of what I think.

Look I posted about an ongoing issue in my relationship, one that I know deep down isn't right. I don't care about the money. This isn't about how much he has vs how much I have, or about me wanting more. Ultimately DH thinks that he's entitled to behave how he behaves perhaps because he brings in the money and his inheritance has allowed us to have the lifestyle we do. We met when I was in my early 20's with not a single penny to my name. It still doesn't make it ok.

Can you get to the counselling sooner than planned?

He can "fight" paying maintenance as much as he likes. Courts have seen it all before. They don't care about how much he stamps his little feet.

The rules are such that you will leave the marriage with substantial assets if you see a SHL.

I can't get a session any sooner unfortunately, the practice is at full capacity. And I'm also limited to sessions on specific mornings as its the only time I have child free.

Reading another thread about a lady who has a court order to give her ex 50/50 access to the children fills me with dread.

The idea that I'd have to live in this area with no family or friends and he'd get 50/50 just doesn't bear thinking about. I'd want to avoid court at all costs I think!

It's relevant where it comes from if you want to rely on it for your own income, so e.g. If you leave your DH will any of that £2.5K income come to you?

You need to be looking at becoming financially independent, because while what a PP says about maintenance is true, if you e.g. Have equity in the marital home that will limit what benefits you will be entitled to for instance.

Your DH will have to pay maintenance for the DD's, but things like spousal maintenance are more difficult to come by now.

You should look to get a job If none of that income is in your name, so that you at least have your own income and can then plan accordingly.

The marital home is an asset of the marriage, regardless of whether or not he has it in his name. It will be taken into account if you split and he would likely have to sell it or buy you out. Although if inheritance was part of the deposit you may need legal advice on that, because IIRC inheritance isn't covered under marital assets.

But firstly start looking for a job, with a salary which goes into your own account.

Btw I just want to say thank you to everyone for their support. It really means a lot especially when I haven't admitted it to anyone in RL.

I get where where you're coming from. The money is not 'mine'. I few things in my name for tax purposes but still his iykwim.

Yes, I need to work. My head feels so broken I'm not sure how I'd manage it.

Well, if they're in your name for tax purposes then assuming it's an actual income I.e. If you're e.g. A director in a limited company if he's a contractor for instance (or doing such on the side) then to all intents and purposes it's your income. Or if you have savings in your name then they would obviously be taken into account for the financial settlement but so would his.

Debt though is another story, which is why it's important to cash in that ISA and pay off the credit card, because if you separate then he can claim half of that ISA but he won't be responsible for half the Debt, iyswim.

Small steps re work. Have a look around and see what's about. It's a difficult time for employment atm but all is not lost, especially if DD2 is still at home and you have limited days at the moment you could start very part time and then build up as your confidence builds.

If they are in your name they're yours. For tax purposes whatever. Anyway if you divorce him you can move sell the house you didn't want and move nearer family or even the nearest town so you can get to know local mums.

He works 17 hour days. There's no chance he will want or get 50:50 care.

I agree with Rabbit - he's not going to go for 50:50 care. He won't want to change his lifestyle to do unpaid childcare.

OP - please talk to WA before trying to find a job. I wouldn't put it past him to stop transferring the other income into the JA and telling you that you can pay for household bills out of your earnings, leaving you in a much more precarious financial position than you are currently.

I also think you should talk to a solicitor sooner rather than later to find out what your future financial situation is likely to be.

Remember baby steps. This can all be done in bite-sized chunks.

I've only read your posts OP but here is what happens in our house (I'm a SAHM though currently looking for work/doing the odd bit of freelance).

ALL income goes into the joint account - DH's wage and my paltry bits I get now and again, just to show I mean it about it all being family money.

All bills and family spending come out of there. We don't ask each other unless we're spending more than about £150.

We each get a personal allowance per month which we can spend however we like. My lovely MIL gives cheques on birthdays which we can pay into our own account (though sometimes we end up using it on joint stuff so it goes in there).

Honestly I had to have a long chat about why this was fair when I went down to part time work (before having DD2 and becoming a SAHM) and my argument was that we function as an economic unit therefore we have to treat all money as belonging to that economic unit.

However I'm not sure your H sees you as an adult who has joint decision-making skills, so you're best off getting legal advice. Sorry. .

totalblindspot,

re your comment:-
"I'd want to avoid court at all costs I think"

I do not think you are ultimately going to avoid this because your man will make it as difficult and protracted as possible for you to leave him once you do start the divorce process.

This will form part of his ongoing attempts to control you and punish you for leaving him. He does not care about the children either for that matter and I think he will kick up a fuss re access as well. Again this is all done as punishment against you for having the gall (this is what he will likely think here) to leave him.

I would also agree with Rabbit here. I also doubt very much he will receive anything near 50;50 considering as well he does 17 hour days; does this person simply work and sleep?. Where is his time for you all, well there is not any.

NEVER ever enter into any mediation process with him, its not going to work because he is abusive. You will co-operate and continue to do so, he will simply not.

I would also agree with Lynda re talking to Womens Aid before finding a job along with speaking to a Solicitor. I also believe that your man will actively sabotage any attempts at you working outside the home; this is also a tactic in the financially abusive man's arsenal.

Don't be afraid of court.
I went as preemptive action and it has paid off.

I think if you have decided to separate then before you do anything you should see a solicitor.

So much written here about his money, you are married and it's meant to be a partnership (which in law it is). He does his job and you do yours.

I have to agree with the financial abuse though, he earns so much so unless he is up to no good then there is no reason to dip into the joint account other than to keep you in your place.

I know you are not but aside from the cc does he think you are bad with money?

I used to have a similar situation - was a SAHM with an 'allowance' for spending, including bills, groceries, leisure etc paid into my account, and if I needed 'more money you've just got to ask'.
Except he KNEW I needed more, knew how much more each month I was short, and still insisted I asked him for it.
I got sick of the humiliation and we're divorced now. It's financial abuse, even if you've got a millionaires income if you're made to grovel for more money each month, it's abuse.
If someone who purports to love you will abuse you financially, chances are that's not the only abide you suffer. Don't waste your life being humiliated, it's not normal and it's not loving, it's bullying.

Good luck OP, I wish you well xx

Abide* ?? Abuse!!

Avoiding court isn't realistic, I know. I don't like conflict. His family is well connected, MIL was a magistrate for many years. He'd be sure to get a good team behind him. And perhaphs the idea that I'd lose my girls. He'd almost certainly use my recurrent MH issues against me, to discredit me.

I don't know if he thinks I'm bad with money. We come from different backgrounds, so yes our attitudes are very different. I've lived in Africa, I know what poverty is. To me money isn't everything. For him he's obsessed with it. He hates spending it. But I'm sure that's a class thing.

I've just been reading a few of my past threads and I recognise some of you from those threads. It's like a log of all the shitty things that have happened in the last 5 years. I'm sorry I'm still here and I've not yet had the courage to leave. I'm an idiot.

I'm not sure what WA would do to help. And I'm not in a situation where I need to leave immediately iykwim.

for anyone who is experiencing the same. It's good to know I'm not alone and others have come through the other side. And please don't feel like you have to keep posting. I'm finding it really helpful to write down my thoughts.

"I'm sorry I'm still here and I've not yet had the courage to leave. I'm an idiot."

Not at all, op. It takes time for the scales to fall and that's what MN is for.

You might not know what WA can do to help but the person at WA might know. Or she might know what other resources are the right ones for you to access. Are you too scared to even phone them? Is getting non-anonymous advice a step too far for now?

You're not an idiot. I imagine it's the same as stopping smoking or losing weight sometimes there are a few false starts.
We are all here for hand holding when needed so stay strong, get good legal advice and move onwards.

I bet he doesn't hate spending money. He likes to control you and hence feel more important and stronger and better and cleverer than you, and money provides a handy means for him to do that. You could be one of those women who can feed their family and half their street for a week with one chicken, and he would still pick you apart.

Please call Women's Aid.
You could do the Freedom Programme. You could also read 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven, the developer of the Freedom Programme.

At the very least, WA will help you to see you are not an idiot . The only person deserving reproach in this situation is the man who hauled you over the coals for buying a second hand cot for your infant.

What WA can do for you is refer you to a solicitor who will understand your situation and your issues, your fears, your worries for the future. They also offer counselling.

You don't have to be ready to pack instantly and leave. You don't have to have broken bones or bruises.

If you call, leave a message if you don't speak to someone at once, and be prepared to call back.