H read my CC statement he's not happy

[totalblindspot]

I've had the silent treatment all evening and him muttering under his breath about my spending. I've got 3k on there which has built up over 5/6 months. It's mainly family spends, weekly shop, petrol, kids stuff. Nothing extravagant at all.

I was an idiot for forgetting to shred it. Gah!

Some people find it useful to get legal advice and plan exactly how they would leave. It reduces the fear of the unknown. If it helps you to take action, you can tell yourself that you have no actual intention of leaving, you are just finding out the facts, while you fight for your marriage or tell yourself you are thinking about it for a friend.

Whatever mind games you need to play on yourself to actually find out the real facts about leaving.

It would be sensible to tell the counsellor immediately about all this. If it is too hard to say it out loud you could write something down in advance and hand it to him/her when you walk through the door.

DH: I'm taking 800 out of the joint.
Me: what for?
DH: X bill needs paying.
Me: No. That would leave me short for the rest of the month.

Total's husband doesn't ever need to take money out of the joint account. His entire £100k/year plus bonus salary is paid into his account. None of that goes into the joint account - that is only topped up by another source of income. Their mortgage is £14.5k/year. He is swimming in cash.

He is taking money out of the joint account to control you, Total. He is playing games with you, toying with making you sweat, knowing it will leave you and the children short for the month. That's monstrous behaviour. And then he's gaslighting you by doing that at the SAME TIME as taking you out to lovely restaurants. It's so that you never quite know where you are, so that you start to doubt yourself and become ever more dependent.

So glad you're getting counselling. I would start keeping a list of things that he does/has done that seem off (maybe x-ref to Bancroft) and take that with you. If you're worried about him finding it, hide it somewhere obscure on the computer - you can rename it so that it looks like another file.

And none of this is your fault. None of it.

can you not suggest getting a credit card on the joint account - at last then he can pay it off as its for 'family stuff' and you are only jointly liable.
Or if he can get a credit card in his name that you can use. That should show if he is willing to pay up or its just control.

And I would ask to be put on the deeds too. After all, its your home. You dont actually NEED to be on the deeds to be entitled to your share of it (in fact you are entitled to your share of all the accounts, even if he has squirrelled tons away) as divorce is just about the only time when staying home to raise kids is seen as just as financially important as working.

Op you are definitely being financially abused. On the level of income you gave as a family £2500 pm isn't a lot. If I were you I'd open a current account and transfer the £2.5k from the joint account every month that way he'd have no access and couldn't dip in. I'd also make sure I had a contingency fund built up but in reality that's what your (D)H is working hard to avoid. He wants you penniless and scared to rock the boat.
Actually if it were me I'd LTB as I'd hate to live as you are.

Blimey find the "AngryMo", "FreeMo" threads such a similar set-up.

I am not surprised you are depressed and anxious - you have to account for every £ you spend on his children and his food whilst he does what he likes with £10k per month...

Perhaps it's time to tell him he needs to employ a nanny and housekeeper!

Perhaps it's time to tell him he needs to employ a nanny and housekeeper!

Yes, for his every other weekends.

My shitfaced wanker ex started by going through my purse - ostensibly to make sure that I had enough money for whatever (we were only dating) I thought it was sweet.
When things were more serious, he would check my bank account - just to make sure I was alright (we were still not married).
After we were married, he moved quite quickly onto sending me out to do the shopping (he never did it) and going through the till receipt when I go in. It used to make me sick with worry and cry - but I had a toddler and and a baby and was physically unwell and completely isolated by that stage.
I paid all the household bills from my (still separate) bank account, and I worked three low paid jobs to pay them.
Like you, I put essentials on my credit card and was told to hand over the bill (which came out of my account) every month. Every month I was reduced to tears over what I had spent on the children.
When I needed to open a new account the arsewipe my ex convinced me to open a joint account

• you can probably see were this is going -

A few years later, the piece of shit he cleared that account of my back pay that had been paid in after years of waiting. When challenged, the bottom feeding shite he put a knife to my throat and said he needed to kill me. He left me and the children homeless and destitute. According to him all the money was his. Like your husband, my ex was a highly paid, highly respected professional. Working or not working makes no difference to the reasoning of entitled abusers - everything is theirs. Moral(s) of my story:

1. Be wary of counselling.

When I tried to explain this to counsellor 'trained in abuse', they said they did not talk about money as they were not an accountant. IME, counsellors have fuck all understanding of abuse as set out by Bancroft or the Freedom Programme or Women's Aid.

1. Keep all your card very close to your chest (remember death threats and the emptied back accounts that so many of us can report) and get thee to a SHL (shit hot lawyer) ASAP keeping quiet about your movements.

It took 30 years to go from the checking of the purse to the knife to the throat and destitution - don't go any further down that road.

Op, I am also stressing out reading this. The inequality in your relationship is awful. There is a balance of power tipped against you. I bet you feel anxious and stressed about money.

I experienced similar when my stbxh was raking in money (self employed, erratic income, but high nonetheless). We had a high standard of living but a completely inequal access to cash. I would be showered with expensive gifts on my birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, but would get into debt reciprocating. I was also paying all family expenses out of my 'allowance' and would feel ashamed and embarrassed when I couldn't pay my credit card bill. I would get a benevolent 'it's okay, I'll pay it FOR YOU' response.

When I did the calculations and meekly presented them, I got an increase. There have been 'why don't you get a job?' questions addressed to you. In my case, I had four very young children, an agreement that I would stay at home, and no support from himself for any free time - I wasn't ready or trained to go back to work, and paying for childcare would have been impossible.

Now that he has gone, I am still living on the 'allowance'; I work 30 hours a week, and am scrimping. But the problem wasn't whether I worked or not: it was that he was mean, and saw every penny as his money to dispense (or not) as he chose. We had absolutely more than enough to go around : the problem was that he didn't want to share it, and it was like drowning living with someone holding five life belts saying 'ask nicely.'

You going back to work won't solve this, at least it won't address the root problem. Which is him.

whilst he does what he likes with £10k per month...

After tax it's closer to £5k per month. Still a hefty sum but nearly half of what people are assuming.

Deduct mortgage and household bills, probably closer to £3k a month. Deduct car tax, insurance, repairs and maybe leaves £2.5k a month. Not sure if he pays anything else out of that but I agree he still has plenty for his own expenses. Not trying to justify the situation, just pointing out he has considerably less than the £10k a month that's being mentioned.

Earlier the OP used an example of her husband taking £800 out of the account leaving her £200 to last 2 weeks. That would mean she had spent £1.5k of the £2.5k in 2 or 3 weeks.

Perhaps her husband has no idea of how much it costs to run the home. I don't mean the regular expenses but incidentals like replacing bedding, towels, presents for birthday parties, takeaways, days out (and the additional petrol), bottles of decent wine when visiting friends, lunch with other Mums etc. Maybe the OP needs to list all these things so that her husband realises how these things add up.

Yes, he's very controlling when it comes to finances but he's still providing for us and paying bills etc. How can it be abusive when we're not going without?

This is why it's abuse:
We have major issues with communication. I feel talked at. Like a child.
My opinions are often dismissed. So I keep quiet to keep the peace and let him get on with it.
If I transferred it all to my personal acc he'd not be happy. It's not worth the agro tbh.

Abuse is not making you go without. Abuse is taking away your equal partnership and substituting control and the third degree instead. Abuse is treating you as if you answer to him. Abuse is his attitude that 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own too'.

And actually, you are going without, or in danger of going without, aren't you? That is why you have the CC.
If he won't cover the CC bill you are in deep shit. It's in your name.

The ultimate aim of an abuser is to make you feel you have no options. This goes for all types of abuse and all combinations of types.
What options do you feel you have in this situation?

Total fuck that shit up the arse, all the no's, my DH earns about 180,000 - 200,000, I haven't worked for years.

It doesn't matter, who gives a shite?

Really, darling?

Listen to Math

You are being fucked over, you are, you are.

Kiss with all due respect you don't have a clue. He knows exactly how much things cost because he's there, looking through the receipts. In any case he buys the big purchases. I don't do lunch with other mums. I have no friends, apart from his. I agree he has nothing like 10k per month. This month it will be 7.5k, a couple of large deals have been done.

The exact figures aren't relevant tbh, it's the stuff that happens, it's whatever he's doing that I can't quite articulate. Sometimes I say fuck it, I buy what I need and deal with the questions later. Our youngest didn't have a cot for 7 months whilst I waited for him to sort it out. I bit the bullet and bought a second hand one, then dealt with the almighty row that ensued. He has to have an opinion on everything and I have to listen to it. Meanwhile I can tell him something is black, he'll say it's white. Until someone else says it's black, only then will he accept its black. It it erodes what little confidence I have left. It's not right.

With regards to being left with £200. We went away at half term (in the UK) so I did have higher costs than normal. We ate out a lot and visited places of interest etc.

I feel like I'm having to justify myself here, with people picking apart what I'm saying. I already have huge amounts of self doubt and anxiety. Please don't add to it.

We've been together nearly 10 years. It's only when the dad's came along did I start to see how dysfunctional this relationship really is. I have tried most of what's been suggested here. Getting a joint cc would not be solving the problem. If anything he'd be able to scrutinise me even further.

Kiss with all due respect you don't have a clue.

That's because you gave relatively little information. Now you've given more examples (such as no cot for 7 months, checking every receipt) it's obvious that he's financially controlling to the point of abuse.

I feel like I'm having to justify myself here

You don't have to 'justify' anything to anyone and I'm certainly not trying to pick your posts apart. My comment about how he doesn't have £10k a month was addressing misinformation from other posters, not you. I'm sorry if my posts made you feel bad about yourself, that wasn't my intention.

From your latest post it sounds bloody awful. If you've tried talking this through and nothing changes then I'd be taking legal advice about what money you would be entitled to if you separate from him. If he's controlling you to this extent then he's highly likely to do the same to your daughter as they grow up.

I wish you and your daughter all the very best and hope you can escape this situation

You know what?

I like that anger on your last post.
You do know what he's doing is wrong and it's abuse.

The main question is what do you want to do about it.
He's not going to relinquish control. Maybe, big maybe, just enough to make you stay if he's convinced you'll leave.
But if you stay, he'll regain control and may well make it worse.

What is making you stay? Identify the reasons and make a plan to overcome those reasons.
It can be done. Do get help from WA and any agencies. Do get in touch with any family or previous friends.

It can be done. You can do it.

KissMyArse - one person said he took home £10k. One. The rest of us were just pointing out that he doesn't give the OP or his children any of his earned income. That's what's fucked up, not how much tax or insurance he pays out. You've missed the point by a county mile

Sorry X-posted.

I agree with lweji. Call WA and think about your options. As your children get older they will start to realise what's going on

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm drip feeding. I'm really not doing it intentionally. I've posted under various names in the past, before I had an inkling exactly what was going on. The finance stuff is just the tip of the iceberg. And If I were to tell you some of the selfish, fucked up things I've endured you would think I'm nuts to still be here. I guess I'm trying to rationalise it in my own head.

I need to sort my head out first. And I think the Councelling will help with that. Past that I don't know what to do. Either get a job or leave with no real means of supporting the three of us. Which I'm very scared of doing.

I think it's fair to say it highly likely that he'll fight against paying any maintenance and I'll be made out to have "taken him to the cleaners" by his family and friends.

Do get legal advice and gather as much info as possible. As well as cash.
You can support your children. You could even stay in the house with him paying the mortgage until the children are adults.
There are also benefits.
And what he says to friends and family doesn't harm you. Please don't worry about what they think.

Do talk to WA and a solicitor to have a more realistic picture of your options.

Please gather the strength to leave. You know you need to.

You have a huge income coming in. He will have to support his children. You may have to fight for it but you can get money from him. Where does the 2.5k come from? How much of that is connected to you? You will get benefits. Your standard of living may well drop but you will be compensated by so much more. What is the most important?

Gather as much proof of his income and financial details as you can so that he can't hide savings. Get hold of bank account details etc.

Get advice as detailed by other pp's. You can't continue like this. The lack of financial respect is enough, without even taking into account the other things you allude to.

It doesn't seem as if you're drip-feeding - the financial abuse was clear to me in your first post.

You are really suffering from cognitive dissonance - the disconnect between what your life is really like compared to what people see from the outside is huge. Holding those two conflicting pictures in your head must be exhausting - I'm really not surprised you're suffering mental health issues. And it makes it much much harder to leave, I do understand that. It must seem insurmountable. But you have to leave - he isn't going to change and you and your children deserve so much better. He went mad about a second hand cot?! That's not just abusing you, he's abusing your children.

Could you set yourself one task towards it a week? So research lawyers one week (and yes, you would get to stay in the house and he would have to pay you maintenance) and then make a call the following. Baby steps

This is so horrible to read, from your first post it's clear he's financially abusive, and you've hinted at other things too

If you leave, he will have to pay child support, and the rest of the marital assets will be divided according to the law, not what he decides you should have. Please get legal advice so you know what your options are, I couldn't live under that sort of control, and you shouldn't either