H read my CC statement he's not happy

[totalblindspot]

I've had the silent treatment all evening and him muttering under his breath about my spending. I've got 3k on there which has built up over 5/6 months. It's mainly family spends, weekly shop, petrol, kids stuff. Nothing extravagant at all.

I was an idiot for forgetting to shred it. Gah!

It's financial abuse at the very least.

Trying to make the best out of the situation isn't going to help at all.
I don''t think that giving you advice on how to handle the CC is right. What you need is to start seen how bad things are and that you can get out of it (either physically or by changing the whole dynamic of the relationhsip - hard to do if he doesn;t want to).

Could you get some counselling when the dcs are at school?

Also is the CC in your name?

Sounds like a man who needs to exist on lentils for the foreseeable.

The stock phrase he uses when I say I want to work "but I'm working hard for us all so you don't need to stress yourself working".

This is pretty much typical of what a financially abusive person would say. He really does regard you as unequal in this whole relationship, he really does think that little of you. And you are working, you are these children's primary carer as well. I would think he would go all out to prevent you from working outside the home as well.

You and in turn your children are indeed going without. This is no life for them either let alone for you. Do you really want them to grow up thinking that yes this is how people behave in relationships, what you are currently showing them is that this is acceptable to you.

Of course he doesn't want you to work, he can't control you as much if you work. He wants you 100% beholden to him.

Keep posting pls, I need someone to talk sense into me. I'm struggling to see that it's abuse. Even after reading the Bancroft book.

CC is in my name thankfully. I'm
Not sure what I would do without it tbh.

Dds both not in school yet, eldest starts in September. I've got councelling lined up to start at the end of this month, mainly for the horrific anxiety/depression I have at the moment.

....probably caused by his treatment of you.

If you go into debt then you will get agro eventually anyway. You've not actually avoided any hassle in the end.

Your example conversation was odd. In our house it would have gone like:

DH: I'm taking 800 out of the joint.
Me: Oh dear, that's going to be a problem. We haven't budgeted for that. When will you put it back in?

CC is in your name. So it is your debt. That's not good.

Why would you need to accrue debt on a credit card, to pay for supermarket and things for the DC (not you, personally), when the family budget and your husband's personal spending is much higher?

Where do you shop for yourself and how much do you spend on yourself?

You may not "lack" for anything, but your spending on essentials is scrutinised and you're having to hide basic expenditure from your husband.

You don't feel you can get a job without his approval.

Do you feel like an adult?

I think you will find that your childhood along with your H's abusive behaviours of you are the root causes of your anxiety and depression. I am not at all surprised that you are in a low place, you have been in that for a long time.

Ridding yourself of the ghosts of your past along with your H will be hard for you to do but it will free you ultimately. You really cannot afford for your children to learn such damaging lessons on relationships.

Do you regard abuse as only being physical?. Is that why you are having difficulties in seeing your H's behaviours as abusive?

And I hope your counselling helps you free yourself.

When I went part time DH and I went through our outgoings and set up a budget for what we planned to spend each month - he then transfers this to our joint account. If we go over this, I look at why (I have a spreadsheet) and whoever has overspent transfers more money to cover it. Would something like this be possible for you OP - maybe he doesn't realise how much it costs to bring up a family - I don't know how much discussion you've had around the costs you incur every month.

Sulking v childish and unnecessary, and you shouldn't be having to shred cc statements.

He is the parent and she is still very much the child in this relationship; its basically history repeating itself. He wields all the power and control in this relationship with the OP having no real say whatsoever.

This is abuse, OP. It's all about power and control and your dh is using money to gain that power and control over you. You have to go cap in hand to him for money, have to justify your spending yet he has to do neither of these things.

The fair way to handle your family money would be one account for all household stuff, food, bills, etc.

A personal account for you with money for your own personal use on whatever you want and one for him and neither of you should have to justify or explain what you spend money on from that account.

Major expenditure and savings to be separate and discussed and agreed upon between you.

I couldn't live like your dh expects you to and I don't think you should either.

That's great that you have some counselling lined up. Use it to your advantage.

And just to reiterate. Yes it is abuse. He is withdrawing money from you, keeps you in a situation where there is never enough money for you/the dcs. He is keeping you under stress and fear (No wonder you have some anxiety!!) and is using that at his advantage (you can't even ask for some money to cover normal outgoings when there is plenty of money in his account FSG!)
He is stonewalling you, keep information away from you. he is stop9ng you from living your life your way eg stops you from working).

How many friends do you have aroound now?
Are you allowed to go and see friends in the evenings? Men and woman or do hey have to be vetoed?

And YY about having some money on your OWN bank accounts.
Out money on it regularly and don't tell him. You can ask for cash back at the till when doing some shopping, (Do a BIIG shop at the start of the month when you know there is some money left in joint account). Take some cash out. And put it in an account he doesn't have access to.

So you live with an abuser. Call women's aid who can provide support and advice. x

You need to go back to work. My husband is also a high earner and my income makes little difference to our lives but the independence it gives me is absolutely fundamental to my health and my own anxiety issues.

Luckily my husband isn't financially abusive. He transfers money into our joint account to cover all outgoing and a set amount into savings plus I have my own salary in my account. I deal with all finances except for his current account and his credit card. I have no idea what he has on his card or in his current account and to be honest, I don't really care as he never seems to run out and all our other accounts are fine. However, he wouldn't dream of questioning what I spend on running the house and kids and always transfers more if needed.

The way you're being treated is wrong and if he's getting funny I think you need to have a careful back up plan and your own income for if you need to support yourself in the future. This includes getting an understanding of the value of your home and the kind of equity in it incase you need to get it out.

I'd be worried about a man who earns that much needing to take £800 out of the joint account to pay a bill. Does he have a gambling problem? Or has he made reckless investments? This is both your money he may be pissing up the wall - it's for your joint present and future. He should not make the mistake of thinking it is all his to dole out as only he sees fit. So he needs to come clean, just as you should have come clean ages ago that you were racking up debts on your credit card because of his inability to cover bills in the way he himself set up the family finances to work. You are both wasting money hand over fist by not communicating with each other.

Adult/child dynamics, yes quite possibly.

I grew up with physical abuse so I know what that is. It's the manipulation and mind games that are all too confusing. And not being able to put my finger on what's going on. I guess what I'm saying is he's a nice guy. Pretty laid back, works hard, no vices. People won't believe me if I told them. I live in a lovely house, new cars on the drive, holidays etc but I'm miserable. Like tonight for example, he's got us tickets and booked an expensive restaurant.

I feel tricked somehow. Like its me who is manipulating him.

I do feel that I have to get his approval to a certain extent. The work thing is tricky, he's out up to 17hrs each day so the logistics of me working are down to me and only me to sort. I feel utterly trapped on one hand but petrified of leaving too.

When dd1 came along and I stupidly gave up work. I put to him that it would be easier if he transferred all outgoings/salary into the joint acc. He point blank refused. Funnily enough, he did suggest that I close all my other accounts and just use the joint tho.

I have squirrelled money away in an ISA it's not a huge amount but it's building slowly.

No friends. I stopped going out after the kids came along. Family live 2/3 hours away. I know people that I say hi to but that's it. We moved a few years ago not my choice it's rural. Quite isolated place, not much going on. God I sound like a wimp! How the hell did I get here?!

I thought he was abusive from your initial post, I certainly believe you and so do many others.

Many abusive people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world but behind closed doors their true nature emerges. It sometimes emerges to those outside as well because the abusive man puts on an act that cannot be maintained indefinitely so the mask slips. Those tickets and meal he has planned for tonight are of his choice so are for him. Its an empty gesture on his part also because the marriage is an abusive one.

He has really done a number on you hasn't he and I am not at all surprised to read you are depressed and anxious. He has also continued what your parents began in your own childhood i.e. using you to abuse but this time verbally and financially. You still seek his approval even now, that is conditioning that started in childhood as well. You feel tricked because you were indeed deceived by him, you have not manipulated him at all.

What sort of counsellor are you going to see?. If this person was to tell you that your H is abusive would you believe them?.

I note without much surprise it was his idea to move somewhere rural. That was also part of his overall plan to keep you under his overall control. Keeping you isolated mentally and physically helps him no end.

I am saddened but not surprised to see that you have no friends. He probably also uses the children to keep tabs on you as well, he knows where you are at all times then. He will continue to monitor your every move.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this role model of one. Please do not do your bit to that to them, do not let them grow up thinking that coercive control is normal because it is not. Would you want them to have a marriage like yours; no you would not.

How the hell did I get here?!

Slowly and believing he had your best interests (and the family's) at heart.
He doesn't.
He's looking after himself only, really.

I thought he was abusive from your initial post

It's like a script, isn't it?

You end up noticing abuse from just a few things and before the whole picture is revealed. but are then accused of making things up

Out up to 17 hours each day?! And running out of his own cash, so he has to raid the joint account?! Methinks he is not vice free.