H read my CC statement he's not happy

[totalblindspot]

I've had the silent treatment all evening and him muttering under his breath about my spending. I've got 3k on there which has built up over 5/6 months. It's mainly family spends, weekly shop, petrol, kids stuff. Nothing extravagant at all.

I was an idiot for forgetting to shred it. Gah!

Op, what if you stop washing/cooking for him? 'All he has to do is ask'.
Buy really cheap ingredients and if he complains, well, all he has to do is put more money in. He's paying wimpy price for m&s food.
I would embarass him in front of the all mighty MIL tbh.

In your shoes I would:

Persuade dh to move to a home you are happy with location wise and cost wise

Go back to uni and retrain in a career that would help you sustain yourself and the girls financially

Only then would I leave. You will feel empowered knowing you can support yourself financially

I don't understand why he thinks it's ok to dip into your monthly allocated funds.

Say no. Put your foot down. Kick up a stink. Resist. Resist & resist. Storm off. Childish maybe, but you really need to have him examine his actions. This response will cause him to do it.

Your not a push over!!!

Havent read ft and this is obviously about control not money but I can never understand couples who operate any differently from plantsitter and as DH and I have done for 34 years
It's something I would 'insist'my DDs discuss in contemplation of marriage
How do women let themselves get into such situations ?(rhetorical question)

QuiteLikely

Although these are sound ideas in theory they are not in practice as that whole process can take some years to achieve. OP also needs to leave sooner rather than later, certainly not years from now.

It was his idea to move to somewhere rural and that was a deliberate move on his part designed to keep OP isolated. He will likely never agree to moving somewhere else. He gets what he wants out of this relationship and regards his wife really as a non person. He will likely also sabotage her attempts to retrain or get a job outside the home.

Your own childhood OP played its part here in leading you to this individual who has gone onto abuse you verbally and financially. You are not an idiot either for not seeing it before now, financial abuse in particular is truly insidious in its onset and is not readily recognised immediately. It takes time for the scales to drop. Remember also OP that no man is above the law and it is irrelevant that his own mother was a magistrate. Abusive men also use the wife's mental health problems against them, its all part of their rotten script. He is not all powerful, he really is not.

The best thing you can do for your girls going forward is to teach them that the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none.

OP, you can certainly "fight" him over his control. But is that what you want your marriage to be? A constant fight?
And he doesn't play fair, because he knows he can pull the rug from under you and he knows you are a good person who thinks of others.
You are reluctant to consider something in your name as yours, and that income as yours.
But it's good that you have it, as you can put the income from those assets into an account in your name and have a very good income to start a life on your own if you wanted to leave now.
As all other assets, they belong to both, but if they are in your name he wouldn't be able to get hold of them easily and they can help you start and finance the legal side of separating too.
Do not be what you consider to be fair. Use all the resources and weapons that you can get your hands on.

There is absolutely no point in trying to change his attitude. he knows it's wrong, he just will never admit it because it is of no benefit to him.

That is at the heart of abusive behaviour: it keeps things the way the abuser wants it to benefit themselves. You having access to his income would mean you would have power in the relationship and that would not benefit him.

Listen, you know and he knows and we all know a normal, equal, fair relationship involves shared finances when children are involved. That means discussion, equal amounts of free money no matter who earns what.

If you don't have that and have discussed it with him and still don't have that, then no amount of conversation will change this because he doesn't want it that way.

And if he doesn't want to have equal finances, then your only option is to separate finances.

1. Have your own income and own account. Have the child benefit go into your account. Keep this account secure from him. Save up enough for at least 3 months of rent (borrow this from a parent/sibling if you can and they can keep it secret)
2. Work out what it costs to run your home (eg what needs to be in the joint account each month).
3. Take what you need from the joint account at the start of the month and put it into your account. Pretty sure as soon as you do this he will stop putting money in it. It gives you a month to leave.
4. Ignore any ranting/silent treatment that begins as soon as you remove the money. Best option would be to leave as soon as you have done it.

Be prepared that he will not take any of this lying down. There will be increased abuse as he tries to put you back in the place he's had you. To avoid this you'll either have to leave or he will. Abusers don't usually leave unless they go straight to another woman.

You do need to speak to citizens advice about benefits etc. And keep it all secret from him until he has to know.

OP, I'm glad you plan to get counselling, I'm sure that will help you to see things more clearly and feel more confident about your next steps.

This is financial abuse and no doubt emotional abuse as well.

Please call the Women's Aid / Refuge helpline on 0808 2000 247. The website has more info about the helpline and how they can help you: www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/helpline-faqs.aspx

And for specialist legal advice, you could call the free Rights of Women family law helpline. They can advise on your options if you decide to divorce, including likely child contact arrangements and financial settlement.

If you just look at the finances, you would be a lot better off if you separated. You would be entitled to at least half the marital assets (whether they are in his name, your name or joint names) as well as child maintenance. And you would have complete control over your money and the decisions about how to spend it.

He'd not be happy. It's not worth the agro tbh. - any time someone says this, it is always always a HUGE RED FLAG. Anyone changing their behaviour, or doing something to 'keep the peace', doing stuff against their wishes or better judgement, is a RED FLAG.

Get legal advice, give a SHL all the information you can, and see just how you can get yourself and your dc extricated from his control. He will threaten and get a 'legal team' behind him, but he is not above the law, and you will have your own fighting team too.

And he probably will not want or get 50/50.

With regard to the cc debt being in your name alone; I'm pretty sure that if you can show it was spent on household/family stuff eg food bills, etc (and not something just for your pleasure) it will still be taken as jointly liable because you've both benefited from it (iyswim). HTH.

Rickety - the OP won't get child benefit. Her husband earns too much.

Gilded cage indeed :(

Wish, I think that may be true. The statements should reflect where the money is spent. Maybe start stockpiling receipts.

I just have to say, the logistics of you working are NOT down to you and you alone. You are supposed to be in a partnership. If he chooses to work 17 hours a day he needs to come up with solutions to support you in your goal of working, not just leave it to you. Poor you, I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. It's hard to get your head around, isn't it?

Lynda - she can get child benefit paid directly to her, her husband will have pay it back via a specialised tax code.

Postchildrenpregranny . Read the thread and answer your question, rhetorical or not. 'How do women let themselves get into such situations' is a breathtakingly insensitive bit of victim blaming.

I am not taking anything away from the advice of previous posters and it is clear that your DH ie either v bad with money or financially abusive.

However, there is something about your tone (and the way you replied to early posters) that gets my back up.
Maybe it's that you seem so resigned, like a a bit player in your life, capitulating at every hardship. If you have posted so many times that people recognise you, it makes me wonder what you have actually done to change or solve the situation

Or maybe I am misreading.

Good luck anyway

^^

I am sorry, that sounded flippant. I apologise.

Thanks for the lovely PMs and words of encouragement. I thought I'd leave this thread for a little bit. My anxiety was so bad last week, I felt as though I was on the verge of a panic attack constantly. He's being far more hands on than he usually is. I feel mentally exhuasted at keeping the pretence up, I just can't face anyone with him around. I'm going back to the GP this afternoon to get my doseage increased, so hopefully I'll stop feeling so emotionless.

I've been reading the AngryMo/FreeMo threads. What a courageous lady she is! That there are others in a far worse position. For her, I can see it's very clear cut. Although I little bit that the police weren't taking it seriously initially. Stupid question, proof? I keep seeing it mentioned. Are you expected to provide it for a divorce? And how does that work if its all verbal? I'm guessing it will be his word against mine. But tbh I can't see the point of raising it. It's just how he is.

I recently started to claim child benefit, I assume H pays it back. He's on best behaviour at the moment, busy planning holidays and birthdays over the next number of weeks. I wish he didn't, it makes this situation all the more confusing.

I've made an appointment for next week with a solicitor. I'll start to sort out all the paperwork and get copies of financial stuff so at least I'm clear on that front.

Work wise, I know lots of people manage with erratic hours. But I feel like I can't at the moment, I'm struggling as it is looking after my little ones with zero support, if I added a job to that, I feel it might be the straw that broke the camels back! Perhaps I need to muster up some confidence and just get on with it. There's not many jobs here so I'd have to commute into London. H is meant to be doing flexi hours with work this month but surprisingly he's managed to work even longer than his usual hrs. Work always comes first.

TBH you are in a very strong position to divorce and claim spousal maintenance. You do that first then get a job once life is less stressful. Realistically he cannot get 50/50 and continue to work as he does hence a SHL may advise you to file for divorce and get going quickly so he can't change his working pattern etc.

There are many things that count as "unreasonable behaviour" your SHL will help you think through several ones that will be the most palatable for your H to accept (well his solicitor will). Unreasonably long work hours is probably one, as is refusing access to all family income, the silent treatment. Basically recent examples of unreasonable behaviour. He cannot stop you divorcing him.

You will find your MH will improve once his subtle abusive, gas lighting ways are no longer part of your daily life tbh.

eminado Yes, I am resigned at the moment. I'm tired of fighting it.

And tbf I haven't posted many times, I've posted about 5 times about H various behaviours since 2011. I know it must get frustrating from the outside on threads like this. All I can say is it takes time to understand what's happening. Then you hope things change. You plead, shout, beg for things to change. Eventually you accept it. At this moment, It's not a matter of if, but when. I need to know all the facts before leaving.

Totally understandable. At the moment you are looking at a high wall, but you are being pushed and you will find the strength to jump over it and will find a way to do it, if you keep looking and trying. And then you'll ask why you didn't do it sooner.

Are you afraid of selling or cashing in the assets in your name?

It wouldn't be unfair. You pay off the debts. You keep the rest in a savings account. You keep a careful paper trail of everything. When you are doing the financial settlement you declare it openly and the 50% that is his (if that's the way it goes) will get knocked off the payment from the asset split. You aren't screwing him over or being dishonest, just being sure he can't screw you over by cutting off the cash and stringing out the settlement process to break you. He won't be on the breadline. You won't be either. It will all get washed out in the settlement, which will be better because you won't be desperate. The court won't look badly on you for this at all.