I just hit DP

[Icklepickle101]

I feel awful.

DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face. At the dinner table. In front of my parents. Now I've stormed off and am sat feeling sorry for myself and like a horrible horrible person and he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

What the fuck have I done.

We have never ever ever been violent towards each other and he is honestly an amazing man. I just don't know what to do or how to make things right.

The husband was forcing unwanted, humiliating, painful physical contact on her, in front of her family. She retaliated.
Both parties are in the wrong. The husband is now more in the wrong for making a threat to the op in cold blood and going out to get pissed.

I hit my xh once. I'm not abusive, he is, emotionally/financially. He goaded me to the point of desperation and I hit him when I was drunk. I'm not proud, but I know I'm not the abusive partner. Abusive partners can goad by passive aggression and emotional abuse until the victim snaps and retaliates with aggression.

I don't think you need another stranger telling you you were wrong. To be honest grom reading your posts I think he was also wrong. Only children sit at the table poking and prodding. For some reason you saw red and reacted terribly. It's worth looking at why.
His threat of hitting you back if you ever did that again is completely out of line. You both need to accept that your behaviours were wrong. He needs to listen and stop when you say so. You need to be able to walk away if he pushes your buttons.
Could you be pregnant? It sounds like a very stressful living situation could you arrange a time for the two of you to spend the night at a hotel, away from your parents?

pickle I don't think that you can work this all out tonight while you're shocked and stressed.

Feed your DS, have your glass of wine, and get to bed. There will be plenty of time to get your head round your relationship dynamics later.

Jesus have the fucking Reversers messed things uo that a woman who responds to a sustained, unwelcome, physical assault by hitting back is in the wrong now?

How the fuck is it acceptable to jab someone repeatedly and hard in the ribs and stomach but not to hit yiur assailant back when they refuse to stop jabbing you?

"Play fighting" with someone weaker than yiu is a recognised form of initiating a violent domestic incident.

Most of the replies on this thread are yet more DV apologism.

MN is really fucked.

He continuously poked and prodded, you asked him to stop and he did it again harder, I'd have bloody hit him too. Fucking idiot. I hate this guise of doing things as being playful or a joke. He knew what he was doing. What did he honestly expect you to do? Sit and continue to take it? Why didn't your parents say anything?

To be fair to the parents they probably didn't realise he was abusing you, OP.
I wouldn't be surprised if he hurt you without them noticing. They will only have seen your reaction.

I really can only urge you to get out.

I once kicked my sister quite hard when she would not stop grabbing me and poking me in the belly, I had asked her to stop several times and in the end i booted her.

I hate being tickled and prodded the minute you asked him to stop and he didn't . He become a threat and you reacted instinctively IMO .How many times should should you have put up with it ? When he poked even harder ? In different places? He was assaulting you IMO.

His threat is worrying .you hitting him may have hurt him but he must know his could kill you.

Yes. Get out is the most appropriate response to what has happened.

How you will believe that to be the truth, I don't know, though, given how the people closest to you are behaving towards you.

Given that you are questioning your behaviour, though, and feeling you want space from what has happened, how about instigating a temporary separation?

I think some space would do you good.

Some people are being utter twats on this thread. Id love your perfect lives i think.

OP it is not ok for someone to keep doing something to you when you have repeatedly said no. I have an unbilical hernia and if anyone accidentally knocks my stomach they get shouted at because of the shock of pain it causes me. How is repeatedly poking you a game? What's the goal of the game? There isnt one. He was being a twat and trying to get a bigger reaction from you. His response removes any doubt that he is a twat. He has now told you next time he winds you up repeatedly until you react he will leave you. But he will also hit you first.

I would firstly text him and ask him to stay at his friends tonight and tomorrow so you can both have some space. Then go see your Gp. At some point ask your parents why they thought him repeatedly poking you despite you repeatedly asking him not to was ok.

Hitting out when someone suddenly invades your personal space, especially a vulnerable area (such as a post-partum stomach) with a painful / aggressive action of their own can be an instinctive thing that can happen almost before you register it. It's not directly comparable to hitting in anger after being verbally "wound up" - there really does seem to be at least an element of an instinctive defensive reflex here.

The OP was of course very wrong to hit, but her DP was similarly out of order with his behaviour towards the OP - a woman possibly/likely suffering from PND. How is it possibly ok not only to repeatedly poke her, after being asked to stop, but to do it even harder in such a vulnerable area?

If a woman posted saying that her depressed DP had lashed out at her after she repeatedly jabbed and poked at him "for fun" even after being asked to stop several times, then as a finale poked him hard in the testicular area (substituting as a similarly sensitive/vulnerable area for a man as the stomach for a post-partum woman) I would say no different - an immediate lashing out reaction was likely no more than self defence, and her behaviour was completely wrong.

I have no idea what advice to give as there is cause for concern on both sides - neither behaviour was ok. The OP's reaction was more extreme and so immediately seems "worse" but the DP's behaviour was more calculated and disrespectful in that it wasn't a sudden and immediately regretted reflex - he knew the OP wanted him to stop and not only didn't but carried on harder. Which side is male and which side is female makes no difference here - but this is not what happens in a good relationship.

Dad I wouoldn't be surprised if assault on men happen in the sleep. They are defenceless then. Or with someone who they know will not retaliate.

In effect, an abuser is choosing their victims because they know they will have the upper hand, one way or the other.
In which case, it's not always a man abusing a woman but also it can be a woman abusing a man (probably less common, at least with physical abuse)

OP please do see your GP if you are concerned about your emotions (as I think you previously said). PND sounds like a possibility - not that it ever excuses hitting, but nor will it be helped by the behaviour you described from your DP. There is lots of support out there.

Your mum has commented on your stomach and your DP poked you in the stomach.
Was he making fun of your body? Was the prodding and poking centred round how you look? Was he being verbally abusive about the shape of your stomach?
Hitting him was unacceptable BUT.......
Your parents not stepping in after you had said No numerous times was unacceptable.
Him threatening you was unacceptable
Your mums final response was unacceptable
You are not alone in bad and unreasonable behaviour.

Wow @ the victim blaming here!

You don't need PND to excuse this! I absolutely can't stand being poked - I mean, really, really, really hate it so I'm afraid I would have reacted exactly the same way. If, after telling someone to stop physically tormenting you, they don't then let the consequences be on them.

It was absolutely unacceptable behaviour from him and was childish. Are you supposed to sit there and take it if your words don't stop him? Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Was he a twat? Yes he was. Oh is being a twat several times a day,i don't punch him in the face.
What you're basically saying is he made her do it.and you don't see anything wrong with that?
Someone else said if he hit her he could kill her,if op hit him..meh. How do you know their sizes?
Also i absolutely love how op never mentioned him saying any words AT ALL much less,abusive,shaming ,mean comments about her weight or belly. You guys are the only ones commenting on it ( untill op confirms or not). A lot of assumptions on here and clutching at any straw to say he deserved it.

If I saw a larger child repeatedly dig a smaller child hard in the ribs and stomach, while the smaller child repeatedly asked them to stop, and then eventually after a particularly hard dig, the smaller kid finally hit back, I would be having serious words with the aggressive bully who woukd not stop poking and prodding when asked.

Many on this thread would teach the small child that they had no right to defend themselves against a bigger aggressor. That they shoukd have just accepted the bigger child's right to touch and hurt them against their will. That hitting is "always wrong", even if it is hitting back in self defence.

This site is rely starting to worry me recently. So many threads trying to prove that male violence against women is basically OK.

You said no and stop and he didn't stop . I just can't see how you are supposed to be the bad guy .You had tried words and he still carried on .Violence was your last resort and was only used when he poked so hard he hurt you.

Oh and the parents are unsupportive and her oh is a twat,abuser and a bully. Op is the victim.
Could all this be true?yup. But i find it highly hypocritical that most people just made these assumptions based on nothing else but gender and possible size

Not at all rebel. It is in the op's posts. He repeatedly poked her. She repeatedly asked him to stop. He carried on. She reacted. He said next time he will hurt her and leave her. Ive not assumed anything beyond this. And if as you say your husband is a twat and you accept it, maybe youre not the best person to be trying to help on here. Your own boundaries might need looking at.

Idve hit my partner in the same circumstances OP. Its not right but its totally understandable. He was humiliating you and being agressive. Its not right to hit back but it is understandable. I dont agree with people saying that its victim blaming to say that he was winding you up. If someone is bigger and stronger than you then any sort of unwanted touch can be threatening and cause you to act in self defence. When i read this i thought about my current DP who told me that once his ex punched him in the face after he said something horrid to her. He said it pissed him off but later he found it funny and forgave her. He is 6 foot and she was just over 5 foot and weighed under 8 stone. Its unhealthy but its not abuse. They broke up as they should have done because it was an unhealthy relationship. Compare this to me and my ex who used to beat the shit out of me whilst i very genuinely was afraid for my life. Its the fear thats different. My ex could easily have killed me, he couldve snapped my neck he was twice the size of me and quite used to fighting wheras id never hit anyone in my life. Theres a clear difference here isnt there. I actually had this explained to me by the police when i had to ring them as said abusive ex had stolen my wallet and phone. I told them i had thrown a candle at him and they pointed out to me that they knew the situation from looking at me because all my bruises and marks were under my clothing or hairline whereas the mark on him was on his face. They could tell that i had acted in self defense because people acting in self defence lash out without thinking so will often mark the face whereas abusers often hurt people in less obvious ways as they are frightened of getting caught. You are not someone who is abusing your partner you are someone who felt threatened by someone larger than them and lashed out. To be honest i think that you should maybe look at parting ways. You are obviously not having a good effect on each other and his behaviour sound just as if not argueably more horrendous than yours.