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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just hit DP

455 replies

Icklepickle101 · 13/06/2016 19:28

I feel awful.

DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face. At the dinner table. In front of my parents. Now I've stormed off and am sat feeling sorry for myself and like a horrible horrible person and he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

What the fuck have I done.

We have never ever ever been violent towards each other and he is honestly an amazing man. I just don't know what to do or how to make things right.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 13/06/2016 20:27

I firmly believe everyone has the capacity for violence in the right/wrong context. Violence happens in a context.

Some people get off on being violent. Some people use violence is a way of making other people behave in the way they what regardless of the others feelings. Some people resort to violence when they don't run out words or means to explain how they are feeling. Some people have to resort to violence to protect themselves.

Essentially are you really suggesting we treat the Hitlers of this world the same as the Churchills?

For me the context if what happened is as deeply concening as what actually happened. It has the potential to escalate very badly with the OP believing it's ok for her partner to beat her up that she deserves it because she supposedly threw the "first punch".

What she did what not ok, what he did was not ok. It is a really unhealthy dynamic

Somerville · 13/06/2016 20:28

How hard not are.

It's really hard to tell what's going on here.

Personally, I loath being tickled or poked or prodded. Especially by someone bigger/stronger than me.

Expellibramus · 13/06/2016 20:28

I don't know, I kind of think it's understandable.

twittwooery · 13/06/2016 20:28

Perhaps last girl but it depends on whether he thinks the poking was assault, most people that do irritating things to "play " don't, kind of like tickling most people don't like it, say to stop but have it done in a joking way, wouldn't think of that worthy of being hit in anger

Liara · 13/06/2016 20:29

I think before I can judge I need to know your relative sizes.

I am 5ft4 and 8.5stone. Dh is over 6ft and 13 stone of pure muscle. He is also a trained fighter.

In the same situation, I would probably have done the same and absolutely would not be apologising. However, if dh ever even threatened to hit me I would ltb.

The difference is that the only chance I have of hurting dh by hitting him is if he laughs so hard that he falls over and hits himself on the head on the way down. Whereas he could kill me with his bare hands (and without much of an effort, at that).

If people can't see the difference, then that is a bit worrying.

Goingtobeawesome · 13/06/2016 20:31

He's a bully dishes it out but can't take it. Both in the wrong but he started it and goaded you. Does he want out so did this on purpose to give him a reason?

Asprilla11 · 13/06/2016 20:34

OP I do think violence is wrong, but if you hit your DP immediately after he poked you harder in the stomach then it may have been partially your body responding to being hurt, sort of a defensive strike. It still shouldn't happen and the response should have been controlled so that you didn't hit him but I can understand it.

If you hit him after there had been a period of time (just a small gap) where you had time to think about how to respond then that is worse.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 13/06/2016 20:35

Hitting him was completely unacceptable.

Him repeatedly poking you and continuing when you've said no is completely unacceptable.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship from either side.

Bambamrubblesmum · 13/06/2016 20:36

If someone was prodding and poking me and didn't stop I'd get up and walk away. Surely that's the reasonable thing to do not physically attack???

I'm a bit surprised at some of the responses on here.

Piemernator · 13/06/2016 20:37

I'm unsure about this because he sounds like a goody wanker. I have no idea how hard you hit him and I guess most on here would just class a hit as a hit regardless of damage caused.

DH asked me to hit him and goaded the hell out of me and asked me 'do one of your karate moves on me'. He poked and prodded loads. I did hit him and almost broke his nose. I gave him the fair warn you are supposed to when you have been trained to fight. I suppose the difference is he asked me to hit him.

You shouldn't have hit him obviously.

horseygeorgie1 · 13/06/2016 20:38

God I'm glad you said that Bambam! Was beginning to think I'd gone mad!

Whocansay · 13/06/2016 20:40

I'm surprised your parents didn't intervene. He clearly wanted to get a reaction from you. And he got one.

You should have walked away. But, to be honest, if someone had kept doing that to me after I'd repeatedly told them to stop, I may have reacted in the same way.

FYI 'Amazing' men don't behave like that.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 13/06/2016 20:41

If my DH was humiliating me physically in front of my own parents I can't guarantee I wouldn't fight back. And I have never hurt anyone physically in my life.

Pearlman · 13/06/2016 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VoyageOfDad · 13/06/2016 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toffeelatteplease · 13/06/2016 20:44

Humans aren't always reasonable or rational.

You would walk away because you are comfortable with your boundaries and are confident enough to know what to do to protect them.

If you are being conditioned accept that you have no right to boundaries you are more likely to accept behaviour that is wrong.... and more likely to overreact when "finally" you do react.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 13/06/2016 20:45

Of course you should hit him - totally unacceptable, but he poked a woman, 5 months postpartum, in the stomach. That is completely unacceptable. I would suggest there is something else going on here.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 13/06/2016 20:45

Shouldn't not should

AristotleTheGreat · 13/06/2016 20:46

I've just asked DH.
His comment was: This man acted like a twat and got what he deserved (Just red the OP to him).
If it had been a man and a man, there is no way the OP's DH would have carried on. He would have been too worried about retaliation because
1- he was fucking annoying and
2- he knew about it and had been told numerous times TO STOP.

If the OP had hit him on the first poke, she would be totally out of line.
If she hadn't said anything, less so but still not OK.
But that's not the case at all. He KNEW he was annoying, He knew she wanted him to stop. Is touching someone when they don't want to not an assault too???

I know I would have hit someone doing that too. Probably not in the face, but his hand wo any problem. And quite hard too.
'Joking' at poking people is onlly OK when the other person plays with you. When they don't and tell you repeatidly then you are just an annoying twat.
At least that's what I said to my dcs. Doesn't it apply to adults too??

MrsJayy · 13/06/2016 20:46

He was being a twat and you hit him people are now blaming him for being daft you could have got up and walked away you need to sort this with your partner I think if you lashed out once then you could again

Oliviacolemansshriek · 13/06/2016 20:46

Are you for real Liara?

OP, you're not a bad person, you've made a mistake and you're remorseful and most importantly you knew immediately that it was wrong.
Sometimes things happen that completely challenge what we think about ourselves and the main thing is to learn from it.
People saying your partner's response is worrying are a bit OTT in my opinion. I don't know what I would say immediately after being hit but I don't think it would be a mature, well considered discussion!

Pearlman · 13/06/2016 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longdistance · 13/06/2016 20:48

I'd have slapped my Dh if he was goading me like that. But, I'm sure my Dh would do the same to me, as he hates being tickled, do I know the boundaries in out relationship.

Op, hope you're getting some help with the way you're feeling, if it's not pnd.

Oliviacolemansshriek · 13/06/2016 20:50

Are you ok OP?

AristotleTheGreat · 13/06/2016 20:51

Dad if it had been the reverse, a few questions

  • do you think a woman has a chance to hurt a man, bigger than him, especially when she is only 5 months post partum?
  • but how much do you think a man could hurt a woman if he is hitting her the face when she is 5 months post partum?

If a woman was poking a man repeatidly despite been told to stop, do you think she will continue or do you think she is more likely to stop foir fear of retaliation and being much weaker than said man?

The reality is that the scenario will NOT happen the other way around. Just like, actually, it is unlikely to happen with two men either.

What this guy has done here is to set a reason good enough to actually being 'allowed' to hit the OP because she is clearly 'out of line'... The reaction is chilling TBH. (And the reason why a woman would not annoy a man again and again in the first place. He would be more likely to have no hesitation to do that anyway 'as a self defense')