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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just hit DP

455 replies

Icklepickle101 · 13/06/2016 19:28

I feel awful.

DP had been prodding me and poking me all through dinner, he found it funny, I didn't and after telling him and telling him to stop I hit him in the face. At the dinner table. In front of my parents. Now I've stormed off and am sat feeling sorry for myself and like a horrible horrible person and he's just told me if I ever hit him like it again he will hit me back

What the fuck have I done.

We have never ever ever been violent towards each other and he is honestly an amazing man. I just don't know what to do or how to make things right.

OP posts:
Liara · 13/06/2016 20:51

Yes, I am.

There is a difference between a child hitting an adult and an adult hitting a child. Because one can hurt the other a lot more than the other can hurt the one.

The same is true for very differently sized adults.

A huge muscular bloke hitting a smaller person (regardless of sex) is not the same as a small weak person hitting a bigger, stronger one.

And very few people would behave the way the OP's partner did towards someone bigger and stronger than them.

opheliaamongthelillies · 13/06/2016 20:53

My ex knocked out my front tooth the first time he hit me because I was winding him up. My counsellor never ever said that it was my fault for winding him up. If someone cant control their violent actions then they need help pronto. Every woman I know that has suffered dv started off by saying it was only once he'd never done it before......

Liara · 13/06/2016 20:53

x post with Aristotle. She said it better than me.

Lweji · 13/06/2016 20:54

OP, I'd be the first to condemn you, but from what you say it seems like self defence.
He hurt you repeatedly and kept going despite you telling him to stop.
This is abusive.

I'd tell you to leave him, because those are red flags to more serious physical abuse.
It's quite possible that he didn't hit you back because you were at your parents. But he's just found a "just cause" to harm you seriously.

I do wonder if he has been pushing boundaries lately and you haven't noticed.

Finally, you have a young baby and this is when abuse usually starts.

I'd look at the whole relationship to decide, but based on his actions today I don't see a good outcome to your relationship, and I don't see that it's you who is the problem.
Stop apologising at least and take his physical abuse of you for what it is.

Evergreen17 · 13/06/2016 20:54

Sorry you are distressed OP
I won't say who was right or wrong but I will tell you this.
I was in a long term relationship and my partner used to make fun of my looks, say I was boring, say how sexy other women were and so on. When I got upset or angry he would start shouting that I was crazy and mad and that I needed help and that I was pathetic.
Sad
I hit him so hard Angry Well... As hard as I could but didnt really hurt him that much.

He then played victim and I felt awful and I apologised over and over and over.

This happened a few times.

Now. I look back and I can see now how awful that relationship was but back then I was so caught up in emotions and sadness.

I am not saying this is what has happened to you two.

I am just saying that it would help if you just take a little breather and try to look at it with perspective. If your baby is 5 months you might have some emotions there that you want to take care of.

I dont think you are a terrible person. I do think you both have to do a lot of thinking and talking and not point fingers at each other.

Sometimes the whole story explains your reactions, look at the big picture

Good luck OP Flowers

scallopsrgreat · 13/06/2016 20:55

It isn't weird when you take into account the fact he repeatedly crossed her boundaries and assaulted her, VoyageofDad. As a previous poster said he wouldn't have done that to another bloke or probably anyone else other than the OP. As usual the "double standards" brigade are failing to take into account the power dynamics at play and thereby perpetuating the inequality between the two positions.

topcat2014 · 13/06/2016 20:58

If I'm being 'tickled' I will start to push back - not fight as such, but struggle - as I know that this brings on a coughing fit followed by asthma - so not something I tolerate - just saying.

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 13/06/2016 20:59

This is all such a mess.

Mum just came in and asked if I was pregnant again as it would explain my hormones, outburst and shape of my stomach. DP has gone out to see his friend and will probably come back drunk.

We are both staying at my parents as our house is under major rennovation so I'm stuck here feeling shit. I just want some wine but ds normally has his last breastfeed at 9:30 so I can't Sad

I feel like I can't breathe, I just need to work this all out

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/06/2016 21:00

Isn't your mother worried that he hurt you repeatedly and didn't stop or apologise?

PurpleDaisies · 13/06/2016 21:02

If someone cant control their violent actions then they need help pronto.

I totally agree. Op you need some time apart from your partner for both your sakes. It absolutely isn't acceptable to hit anyone in the face, but it sounds like you know that already. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and you both need to take stock of what's happened.

Could you see your GP and tell them how you're feeling?

Oliviacolemansshriek · 13/06/2016 21:03

Yes Liara but what's your point?

When you say A huge muscular bloke hitting a smaller person (regardless of sex) is not the same as a small weak person hitting a bigger, stronger one. Why? Of course the outcome is different but is either one justified?
Do you hit your boyfriend because you're little?
I don't know what you mean.

loobyloo1234 · 13/06/2016 21:03

Don't we all need to distinguish the 'hit' - did you poke him, did you slap him, did you punch him?

Why did your parents not get involved?

Too many questions

RiceCrispieTreats · 13/06/2016 21:05

...your mother is commenting on the shape of your stomach, 5 months post-partum?

She sounds unsupportive.

NameChange30 · 13/06/2016 21:05

What Lweji said.

I think it's amazing that your parents witnessed that and didn't say anything to defend you.

Then again it's possibly not surprising that you have unsupportive parents, given that you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries - often the two things go together.

Do you have any groups or activities that you go to? NCT meet ups, mother and baby yoga, stuff like that? I'm just thinking that you could really do with getting out of the house and seeing some other people!

Inertia · 13/06/2016 21:07

I don't know the backstory here, but given your later posts I'm wondering whether this is a man who has deliberately provoked you so that he can proclaim loudly from the rooftops that you hit him.

Yes, it was wrong to hit him, especially in the face.

But he was repeatedly using unwanted physical force on you- you say he poked you hard, in the stomach. You repeatedly asked him to stop. He didn't stop- he poked you harder. He very cleverly used a form of assault that was hard enough to hurt you but could easily explained away as 'just joking around'.

Any reasonable person wouldn't poke their partner in the first place, but if they did they'd stop at the first time of asking. He kept on and on until you couldn't cope with the forceful physical contact (I don't know whether it would qualify as assault?).

His reaction also seems pre-meditated- you'd probably expect shock, or maybe anger, but he has shown you that he can do what the fuck he likes to you, he can utterly disregard your boundaries until you snap, and then he will make you grovel and use threats to keep you in line.

Yes, it was wrong to hit him, and 2 wrongs don't make a right. But if the tables were turned I'd say that a woman who repeatedly poked a man so that it hurt, and continued after being asked to stop, was behaving in an abusive or bullying manner as well.

twittwooery · 13/06/2016 21:07

So to be clear, hitting your partner is ok if you think relative to size it wi t hurt, or relative to size then person perhaps won't be intimidated, or just in general if you lash out as long as the person isn't hurt its ok.

That's what people seem to be saying because he's likely bigger than her, or she may not injure him as much as another person/ man could it's ok?

twittwooery · 13/06/2016 21:09

Wont* hurt

Petal40 · 13/06/2016 21:11

Sorry,but I'd of done the same...if my dick of dh had kept on and on poking me I would of lamped him one to...don't feel bad.teach him to keep his hands to himself in future

Amummyatlast · 13/06/2016 21:11

I hate being tickled. And one of the reasons I hate being tickled is that my instinctive reaction is to lash out at anyone tickling me.

Prodding/poking someone against their will is as much assault as is hitting someone.

GnomeDePlume · 13/06/2016 21:12

Boundaries have been crossed by both of you. You have reacted violently. Your DH has threatened violence. You have humiliated each other.

Possibly both of you can get past this but it will take a lot of soul searching for both of you to decide whether you both want to carry on.

I am guessing that it would be easier for you to continue to stay with your parents. Is there anywhere your DH could go to give you both some breathing space?

Atthebottomofthegarden · 13/06/2016 21:14

Was he poking and making unkind comments about your shape?

Petal40 · 13/06/2016 21:15

You were both in the wrong....him more so as he started it...you finished it.tit for tat...you need some space...different rooms for a while to calm down..it's not the end of the world ...everything looks better after a good nights sleep

midlifehope · 13/06/2016 21:15

He sounds really goady. He continued to 'jab' you when you repeatedly stopped. Mental abusers can 'goad' someone like this until they become physically abusive in return. Read Bancroft. Does he have form for winding you up and goading you. Why was he poking you in front of your parents? Odd, odd behaviour from him,

AristotleTheGreat · 13/06/2016 21:17

No twit what I'm saying is that people who have a lesser physical strength normally don't go on hitting people who have stronger physical strength because it would be stupid and dangerous for them.
So when someone does that, it more likely to be in self defense or as a last resort action.

So the OP's DH had the physical advantage to carry on assaulting the OP (poking to the point of hurting and carrying on when you have been told to stop is assault). There is no way he would have done it to someone with a similar size/physical strength (aka a bloke).
And the OP basically reacted in self defense because, as the DH reaction showed, she is likely to be hit back and be seriously hurt in the process, not something that you will do, even if you have lost it and can't control your temper. Self preservation kicks in.

It doesn't mean that yoou are 'entitled' to hit someone because they are stronger. It means that self defense is OK and that was the case here due to the difference in strength and the fact the DH assaulted the OP FIRST.

AristotleTheGreat · 13/06/2016 21:19

OP why is it that yoour parents didn't support you during the meal when your DH repeatidly did something you asked him to stop doing?
Why is your mum's reaction immediately 'oh I thought you were pg be use your reactions were so emotional'? Does she think that being hurt by some prodding is an emotional reaction???