wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

[kingvardos]

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

Don't forget that your family has an agenda in this. They live overseas so rely on you to look after her so they don't have to. They don't want a stream of messages from her they just want a quiet life

Spot on, Bambam

That's a good point. Both seem pissed off with me. I get peace and quiet and they get hassle.....

Found this book which I will buy. It has great reviews.

www.amazon.co.uk/After-Tears-Children-Alcoholics-Childhood/dp/0757315135/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466083213&sr=8-1&keywords=After+the+Tears

I was going to say don't invite them, but I can see now they won't be coming anyway. What a relief! I know when my bil got married, his parents (also my dh parents, obv) who are also alcoholics, were meant to come over. Thankfully, due to one thing and anither, they didnt. It was a much nicer day for it, as everyone could relax and not be worried just what they were going to say or do.
Enjoy your day, your dress is amazing, you hubby to be sounds wonderful, and I wish you both a long and happy life together

When I stopped having so much contact with my mother my sister gave me a really hard time over it but only because my mother was constantly hassling her. Your brothers are trying to do the same, they want a quiet life. You stick to your guns!

Any kind of change brings friction, they're just going to have to adjust to the new order of things. There are also uncomfortable truths coming to the fore that people want to suppress. You will take the flak for this, but hang in there. This is a positive change for you that you rightly deserve. Don't let anyone sabotage it for you.

I have wobbled to be honest in the last 24hrs but my DP and all of you are right. I was going to write her a letter. But I don't see why I should. I have TRIED believe me and she still won't acknowledge her drinking.

I feel desperately sad that she could cut me out so I have decided to go and see a therapist as soon as possible, found a local one. It will cost but I think it's vital I get some help to work out my conflicting feelings.

Writing a letter to her would have the opposite effect to the one you want. It would let her know that she is still getting to you, and that the guilt-tripping by proxy (has anyone mentioned flying monkeys on this thread?) is working.

Yeah I know tribpot. I haven't sent it. My twin is calling me tomorrow for a "chat" - ugh. (Read guilt trip). He really doesn't agree. I guess I am cross as when she didn't invite to her wedding (to a man I'd never met and was to be my new dad) I didn't cut her out!
Oh well she what new shit comes from the storm tomorrow am.......

But for now all is calm.

Your twin is acting as a 'flying monkey' whether he knows it or not. Be prepared for a big guilt trip to get you back into the dance.

I would suggest having some go to phrases or points written down in front of you so you can stay on track.

Things like:

I choose not to continue a relationship with her, that is my choice so please respect it.

I cannot continue to support a one way relationship that is damaging my wellbeing.

I deserve to be happy too.

With family rights also come responsibilities, such as treating each other with respect. My position is not being respected and therefore I am choosing not to continue the relationship.

And so on, whatever works for you.

Was waiting for the flying monkeys and now one will phone you tomorrow in the shape of your twin.

You may find the following helpful:-

www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2sioh3/tactic_to_stop_the_most_persistent_flying_monkeys/

Basically you "listen" to Flying Monkeys. Don't react. Then ask if they feel strongly about this. When they agree, point out they reached this conclusion without asking about your needs, so you aren't interested in what they have to say. End conversation.

Remember also this person is only acting in their best interest, not in yours.

Hey Bambamrubblesmum that is what I am dreading. As twins we are very close and I do respect his opinion but in my eyes he is the Golden Boy. Can do NO wrong in my mum's eyes. He doesnt really talk about feelings.

I do. It always causes problems as I don't bullshit. I am not sure if he has rung her yet. No doubt she will lay it on thick about all the awful things I have said that are all LIES. (They aren't).

It isn't a battle I will win or want to even try. Hopefully it will all settle down soon. And they can pick on another victim!

It's YOUR (you and fiancée) wedding not your brothers. Attila spot on as is bambam they're only concerned about how it affects them.

I know my mum is gutted and a v proud woman and will think the guests will be gossiping about them.(they won't - they aren't like that), but worse that my dad will be there. She'll think I've given him some higher status. I barely know him! I think I'm worried that she will also get upset as by pure coincidence my dress and DP's suit is eerily similar to mum and dads when they married. And she looks back on that day with rose tinted glasses when everything was good.

can you see that you're stuck in analysing things to do with you and your day from her (skewed) perspective, worrying about all the things she could get angry or hurt about? Like walking on eggshells in your own mind!

She has shown you no such consideration.

You don't owe golden boy any explanation. Your wedding: your decision. If he is so concerned for your mother he can handle her.

You need to shuttle brother down.

I am guessing he was hoping the only interaction he was going to have with her was at your wedding where her attention would be elsewhere.

Now he will be obliged to actually spend one on one time with her away from the distraction of the wedding.

If you want you can do the whole 'remember when she....she didn't care about my feeling then. And when she... Didn't care about how I thought then. And then she said.... No apologies for that.

But that would just start a conversation where he could argue.

Tell him you are not stopping him for having a relationship with her and respect him enough to not ask him to. So he should respect you.

Yep i agree with Dozer. You are still analysing and worrying about what she thinks. I soooo understand. This was me for years. But please believe me...she cannot help manipulating you and your family. She has an illness. She is an alcoholic but in some ways you are in the worst bit..where she is blatantly an alcoholic, in denial and has some semblance of a life (in that she can still walk out of the door, get dressed, has friends). She will call red blue, tell monstrous lies and do everything to cajole people into getting on her side. She has to. It's a cliche but yes it's a dance..lay on the guilt trip, get others on your side..it's such a prescriptive path i only wish you could fast forward your way through it. This exact same behaviour caused me so much anxiety. She used to go NC with me! Turn it around. Don't argue, be calm and non negotiable. Kill with kindness (arguments seem to fuel them...gives them an excuse to get plastered). All you need to do is say 'Mum, I appreciate your message. We clearly have different opinions on the reasons our relationship is breaking down. I believe you need help with alcohol addiction. I love you very much but I won't tolerate being treated like you treat me. I will not be around you or talk to you when you are drinking. I will of course keep you updated by email on how the kids are doing. Take care of yourself. ' end of story. She'll be back in contact within a month or so and then it is your chance to set boundaries. Say 'I'd like to build up our relationship slowly so i'd like to speak once a month for now.' Or every other Friday or whatever. And don't get caught up in your brothers stuff too. You simply say 'thanks..i guess i am dealing with our mum in a different way to you..i have heard your views but DP and I have made up our minds and would really appreciate it if the matter was left there as it is our special day no one else's.' Don't communicate further on that subject. Lots of hugs to you..it is such a horrid thing to go through but i promise it will pass and you wont feel like this forever xx

Ps denial is a critical bit of alcoholism...my mum was in denial until such a late stage...literally until several hospital visits had occurred..strokes...really until she did not eat, sleep or leave her house and had to have carers. So don't beat yourself up or blame her. It's all part of the disease. The alcoholics know their behaviour is shameful deep down. But admitting that they have hurt the people they love and totally screwed their life up is hard and drinking makes it all go away and is easier. I do actually pity them. One dr once said..with a lot of terminal illnesses, they are in physical pain but it is not constant. An alcoholic is in permanent mental torture. The only escape from it is drinking. It must be bloody hell.

Have you been to al-anon yet? Even one meeting will open your eyes and get you on an even keel. As quick as a flash.

I'm afraid I don't pity them, Wendied. They refuse to face their pain and, crucially, push it off onto their 'loved ones' [not that they love anybody, just the booze, with which they have an all -consuming infatuation, a full -on love affair ]. The pain their loved ones experience is immense, extremely damaging, and lasts a lifetime.

So, no, I don't feel sorry for them. I have compassion for addicts in recovery though.

Or you could describe his wedding to him. Remember when she did this at your wedding? Did she care? Remember when she... Did she apologise?

Going further from waht Aussie said, maybe ask how his wife felt about what your mum did at his wedding. He wont tell you the truth as he wont want to admit that you have a point, but it will make him think.

And perhaps say "if you had known how she would behave, would you have insisted that your wife deal with that on her wedding day?"

He can minimise how he feels about it especially as he has been used to excusing her behaviour, but will probably not be able to do the same regarding his wife if he really cares about her so the different perspective may make him see it differently.

Wendle17. That made me well up. You absolutely get it. I'm going to use some of your wise words when we speak in a few hours.

Glad it helped. PM me any time! It's really hard to understand the disease unless you've been there...whether it's wellwishers saying 'oh but she's your mum surely you need to look after her' or others saying 'she's a witch, banish her.' In my personal experience (and our mums sound similar), neither advice helped. It is the loving and letting go that does. Accepting they have an illness you cannot help and cannot be part of. The mean controlling person is the alcohol taking over. You can't change their behaviour but you can still have a happy life (and deep down your sober mum would want that for you). Obviously if they seek to recover from it then you support them as much as you feel comfortable with. They'll probably relapse though sadly if you look at the statistics. I know others will disagree with me. Like i say, no one knows the answers. But alcohol medical experts have always been clear to me...asking an alcoholic to stop drinking is like asking a thirsty man in a desert to not drink his bottle of water. Impossible. Every cell in their body craves alcohol so like a dying man they will do anything to get it. You can recover occasionally with proper help but that craving is so strong and is what drives all their behaviour.

If backed into a corner verbally and not sure what to say, your default answer could be something like "but DB she's an alcoholic, she has to get sober before we can have a relationship / before I can do "