wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

[kingvardos]

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

You'd have been sad when she ruined your day.

You'd also have been angry, humiliated and hurt.

Personally I would uninvite them. I also had a very small wedding and had a very difficult relationship with my dad. At the time we were estranged and I deliberately didn't contact him to invite him to my wedding due to how he behaves and I don't regret it at all.

We are still estranged currently and me not being emotional about him not being at wedding made me realise how much more stable and functional my life was without him in it.

Follow your heart on this one and prioritise yours and your husband to be's special day.

I think you need to ask yourself which scenario you can live with easiest i.e. The guilt of not inviting them or the upset/embarrassment/regret of them making a massive scene at your wedding. Whichever of those scenarios will cause you the lesser angst is the one you should opt for x

I turned my mobile off so you couldn't ruin yet another evening

How delightful Typical passive aggressiveness at it's worst ...

Still, all's well that ends well; she's made her choice and now you can move on to a much happier future

There's all the 'permission' you need - not that you ever did.

Glad you're standing strong. My own blood pressure went up reading that.

It's not that she can't cope with talking to you for a week, it's about you fretting and getting back in line once she can be bothered to talk at you again.

Don't invite your mother, OP.

You can explain why after it's over. Be honest. It will upset her, but not as much as everyone would end up upset and distressed (most of all you) if she actually came.

Oh, just read the update.

Good result, if sad. Now put yourself and your DH first.

Hope you really enjoy the run up to your day!

Quick before you get the thread deleted.
Well done, that took a lot of courage.
Al Anon will be a great help, it was for us when the alcoholic in our family tried to make life go tits up

Have a FANTASTIC day in your AMAZING dress :o

Wow she's a peach!

As much as it's painful it's also an end, which actually means it's a beginning. A new start without this emotional baggage round your neck.

Be prepared for more emotional blackmail from her, health scares and even drunken rants. You and your DP need to decide on a plan as to how you will handle it so it doesn't blindside you.

I certainly wouldn't be facilitating a relationship between her and the kids. She will undoubtedly use them to stick the knife into you. They don't need that.

Just FYI, this was my reply to her text:

Hi (future MIL), it's (fiancé). The problem really was that your wonderful daughter actually wanted a real, honest relationship with you, which you obviously don't feel able to have. OP has shown me everything she has sent you and everything she has received. I know that if my own child was desperately needing to talk to me, I would step outside and make the call instead of pretending it's not happening/putting it off. You obviously have always put your own needs above those of your children and grandchildren. OP has told me some awful things that happened in the past, the drunk driving putting OP and DS in danger being unforgivable, just because SD and you needed a drink. Ever since I proposed we have struggled with the idea of you and SD coming to the wedding and embarrassing us and making a scene. That is what she wanted to talk to you about. You still don't think there is a problem. You still don't seem to be willing to take responsibility for your own actions both now and in the past. That being the case (and you had every opportunity to be honest and talk about this) we took the decision last night that you are no longer invited, so that we can enjoy the day without the constant worry about you and SD getting plastered, offending people and ruining our day. We have discussed this at length and it has caused great anxiety. I love OP so much and want her to be happy and unfortunately you don't seem to make her very happy, always ignoring her needs and wants and indulging your own. We will see you after the wedding if you make the effort to come up. I'm sorry but this is down to your behaviour and choices so please stop trying to shift the blame onto OP and myself. OP was robbed of her childhood and now deserves to be happy as an adult. Please respect this. (Fiancé)

No reply...

I wouldn't respond. She has told you not to contact her again. You are FREE.

Wishing you both all the best for your wedding day

King

All the best

Thank you all, everyone who has contributed and given up something to this thread. Please do not underestimate the value of your input. It has been hard for us, no doubt, but all (100%) of your responses have been about having the day that we want (and possibly deserve) and we both want to thank you for all your support through a very difficult time. We know there is more drama to come possibly and that certain people may not be happy about our decision, but we are going to forge a new life together, how we want it to be. Just big thanks to you all (and flowers of course)!

Well done fiancee of OP.
Brilliant message sent to OP's mother.
Plenty of food for thought.
Have a great day and wonderful life together.

Delurking to wish you both all the best and the very happiest wedding day. You both come across as absolutely lovely folks. Please don't question your decision for a second

Thankyou all!
Both my brothers are now laying on the guilt MASSIVELY. They just don't understand how I could be so cruel. I want to send them this:

"Think of it in terms of a dance. Me and my mother have a dance that we have been doing for years now. We both know the steps very well. But you hars now. But i have decided i want to start doing a different dance, one she doesn't know the steps to. She doesn't like that, because she wants to keep dancing with me the way we did before. But that's not working for me anymore. Her choice is HER choice, not mine. But i need to do the dance that is best for me. X "

To invest in someone who is on a spiral downward is only going to drain me of everything I am. So...I stopped giving. As a result of this, I obviously have become the worst person ever to my mom and brothers. ....as to be expected because they never can do any wrong.

They don't like it when people no longer enable. They don't like boundaries being set and all of that. Detaching with love doesn't mean it's going to be peachy...most always its' like coals over their head and salt on their wounds. It burns and there's no other way to say it. I've done the best I could in my situation...I was as white as snow and as blameless as I could be and I still come out looking like a criminal. It has only been fairly recent that I stopped being nice to my mom and just gave her the truth of what I thought in raw form. After all, just because she's drunk, I'm somehow supposed to be considerate of how she feels when shes doesn't care about anyone elses? Bullshit.

Besides, i felt better standing my ground and not treating her like a princess for once in my life. If i wouldn't tolerate being disrespected and treated poorly by friends, why is she somehow entitled to? Simply b/c she's my mother? Bullshit.

and RunRabbitRunRabbit yes I am FREE! to you all!

100% of your responses have been about having the day that we want (and possibly deserve)

There's no possibly about it

As for your flying monkey brothers trying to lay on the guilt - let them. They're on the other side of the world (Australia, I think you said?) so if they want to engage in a bit of excitement by proxy it's really not something you need to give headspace to

Thank you Puzzledandpissedoff. It is especially hard as they know what she is like (she attended both their weddings) but still think she should come!! It is like they don't remember..........but it's 14 months away which gives her time to sober up. Sadly I don't think she will. I still feel we have done the right thing but god the guilt trips are coming thick and fast from family but none from friends. Thank god!
:)

That's because your friends know about it, have seen it and are more objective about it. And because all your friends are awesome! X

Don't forget that your family has an agenda in this. They live overseas so rely on you to look after her so they don't have to. They don't want a stream of messages from her they just want a quiet life.

That's hard to hear because it highlights the selfishness of our nearest and dearest but I think it is a reality.

Others are included in that dance as well!

You know what OP there comes a time when you have to disengage and do what's right for you. Enjoy your wedding day without a drunk spoiling it.
Your brothers are being selfish. I agree with Bambam anove