wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

[kingvardos]

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

Sorry for swearing at you.

The staff know. I've asked her to call me at 7:30pm. If she doesn't then fuck her. Why should she call the shots? I'm having a speaker phone chat (rant) with DP. He's got my back. And he's going to tell her he's not happy for them to come and why then my turn

I know I feel like banging my head against the wall to myself. But I'm so upset tonight I'm worried I'll say things I regret

You can end the conversation at any point.

This is all the consequences of your M's addiction: you are not causing this problem.

I rather suspect the opposite - you'll end up saying things you wished you'd said YEARS ago!

No one in this thread had has said invite her & SD - it's unanimous - because we can all envision the car crash it's going to be and the stress it will cause you by having them there. You actually owe them nothing.

Your wedding day is meant to be a happy occasion for you and DP celebrating the love you have for one another. Let it be a joyous day with those who are your true family and friends and who want nothing but your happiness. It's one day - your wedding day - and you're allowed to have exactly that.

And your dress is stunning!

She replied: she's busy with friends tonight. And maybe tomorrow and don't worry love it will all work out!

I said no ring me now or you aren't coming. I'm fuming!

She really doesn't give a fuck does she? I bet she can't call as she's pissed.

Oh king she's still trying to control everything! Fab advice from all here. Sending support for the call x

Your mum sounds v similar to mine (ex model, successful actress) always banging on about my dad! But she sounds like my mum a few years ago when she would have behaved in precisely this manner...demanding to stay in the hotel, acting the part of the doting mother expecting me to pay for everything ..saying if i called her out, this would 'tip her up' and therefore trigger another massive binge (i never felt any guilt as obviously it was just an excuse)..I really empathise with you. But for me, and I can't pinpoint the exact reason or time though i did meet with an addiction counsellor once and read a few books..but i just started prioritising my own happy family and built more boundaries. I refused to speak to her when she was drunk. I only gave her my mobile not landline so i could screen calls. I agreed to speak to her one morning a week for a brief call. I refused to visit her dirty home. I stopped picking up all the 'emergency' bills apart from the phone which i just pay a fixed monthly fee for as I can't be dealing with the hassle! It changed when I had kids..there was no way i'd have a drunk person near them and I had less time and energy to waste on her. I find it much easier when i don't communicate with her often..out of sight out of mind. She used to be a nice person when sober so i understand that feeling of guilt too. For me, her alcoholism just progressed so much that there was no sober nice person left...so i just had a 5 min conversation each week updating her about the kids and i would email her photos of the kids and get on with the rest of my life. My OH was also v supportive. Anyway, she's sober now for 10 days and supposed to be visiting me soon. I really hope she stays like this but doubt she will. But there is so much distance there fortunately that I know it won't affect me too much if/ when she relapses. She has said to me she is proud of how I have distanced myself and got on with my happy family life and what a good mum i am. That made me v happy. She's so far down the line with the alcoholism though that there can be no denial by her really....hospitalised all the time, not washing, needing carers, unable to leave the house...she knows it has ruined her life and wants to stop but finds it almost impossible. Point of this post is I really recommend you try and get more distance between you. You seem still to be in a more unhealthy place where she is manipulating you. Get to the place where she respects your boundaries. If she can't then you will have to cut contact for a bit. Hope this helps. It's different for everyone. I just wanted to put across that while the recommended Al Anon etc approach is to detach and it's easy to villify the behaviour.the professional advice is to detach with love...love and let go..and that is what works in my experience. Accepting it is an illness (i understand other posters' positions that it is selfish controllable behaviour but having spoken to so many medics over the years...i personally now feel it is an illness that manifests in selfish behaviour but an illness nonetheless) and not trying to cure it or change the alcoholic (i always used to ask on every call..have you left the house/are you eating/why don't you cut down but as the addiction counsellor said..it's the definition of madness asking the same question and expecting a different answer!) .. So really my advice is love her if you can (there are some good bits amongst the bad bits), accept she is an alcoholic who cannot act reasonably in the grip of it, who cannot avoid manipulating everybody and that your happiness is more important than trying to appease her right now. Have a wonderful wedding, don't feel remotely guilty. She'll have a strop for a bit but so what! Life goes on. My only practical concern would be to have a plan in place in case she turns up anyway. I'd be tempted to tell her the time has changed!

Ps as i said in a previous post, i found that Louis Theroux documentary on alcoholics (bbciplayer) v interesting. Also a channel 4 documentary called Chasing Dad about a heroin addict father. Both put across very well the position of the addict and those around them. Worth a watch.

Sorry to be blunt but you seem to know remarkably little about alcoholism.

You say you had to have a bit of counselling.. but this is like a band-aid on a broken limb. You need a lot more than a bit of counselling.

You are up to your neck in the effects of their addiction. It is astonishing you have to ask if they should be at your wedding - of course they shouldn't!

Do get along to al-anon and stay setting some boundaries. A pp on page 1 had it: they don't care about you. At all. Ask the histrionics are the games addicts play and mean nothing - unless you take it all seriously eg feel guilty.

And yes write on her gravestone she was a crap mother. Because she is and was so it would be entirely appropriate.

As for your sf insisting he meet your future husband, he must be joking. He's not even your father, he's a pisshead, and anyway you're in your 40s.

This pair will continue to jerk you around ad infinitum. Step away. Your brothers are enabling them (alright for them so far away!). Of course they'll get pissed out of their heads at your wedding, that's a given.

Why even consider inviting them.

Go to al-anon!

Well. They aren't coming. I feel such a sense of relief!. My DP has agreed to take any calls and back me up. Like you say it is our day and they will get over it. She proved herself again to be selfish when I texted her to say she can't come and then get a breezy just popping out for drinks darling, it will all be fine. Yes it will as I am not dealing with her anymore.

Wendle17 - wow yes so so similar although my mum hasn't been hospitalised (yet) and keeps a clean house.

Springdaffs I will go to al-anon. I think it will really help.

So thankyou EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!! It is DONE!
:)

Good for you!

Glad to read that these two will not be attending. They would have wreaked your wedding day also because you would have been on edge the whole time.

Do attend the Al-anon meetings if you can, at the very least contact them and read their literature. It will help you.

AttilaTheMeerkat that's something I plan to do this weekend actually and find a private counsellor. I wanted to thank you in particular for your support in this - it hasn't been easy but with the great 100% uninvite advice I have had (and struggled with but DP and I knew you were all right), I feel a lot better about the day.

I am expecting her to call my brothers though or make up an illness....she has already hinted she is ill and 6st 12lbs at 5ft 9 which is a worry. But I must stay strong.

So glad you reached that decision - it must be a big relief and it is the right thing to do, for you, for your soon-to-be-husband and for everyone else attending your wedding. It's your one day and you deserve for it to be a happy day and a very fond memory in years to come.

What Wendle wrote is spot on. Yes she's ill. She's an alcoholic and probably isn't eating v much, only drinking hence the weight loss and alcoholics get poorly. But that's not your fault. Nor do you need to do anything. She has access to doctors. And it certainly must not be used as a tool to guilt you into changing your mind about them attending - from her, your SD or your conveniently absent brothers - & thus ruining your wedding.

Well got this text this morning: You were ALL right! She has chosen booze over me.

[15:02:21] Just read her text
We had a lovely evening with H & M yesterday thank you. I turned my mobile off so you couldn't ruin yet another evening, so I didn't pick up your texts & voicemail until this morning.

I doubt you've shown DP all the garbled vitriolic texts you've sent lately, blaming me for everything that's wrong in your life. The messages are so nasty & just plain wrong. You've pushed me too far now with your insulting rants.

You clearly don't want us at your wedding, which is beyond sad, it's heartbreaking. I've been so excited for months & longing to see you as a beautiful, radiant bride marrying the man you love. We wish you a very happy long life together.

I'll cancel our hotel booking & make alternative arrangements to meet Oz while he's in the UK.

I will never stop loving you but you've lost me now. Please ask my grandsons to keep in touch.

Oh dear.

OP there look to be actual names in there - you might want to ask mnhq to edit.

The nerve of claiming SHES the one gone nc!

You've absolutely done the right thing.

Don't be guilted by the brothers who AREN'T the ones actually dealing with the crap!

Have a wonderful day both of you

to that text. Same old same old on and on and on. The ad infinitum I mentioned earlier.

She /they will NEVER stop doing that shit. I bet you have endless stories, stretching right back, of exactly the same. On and on and on.

So glad to hear they're not going to the wedding. Yay! Enjoy the rest of your life, lovely

:) I am relieved but v sad she has done it but gosh I can't have been very important can I ? Cheers to that! Me and DP are going to do a shot of mutha fucking tequila to toast the witch going into her cave.
Bye and thanks! I am going to get this thread deleted now.
Big big thanks

Yes thank you everyone for your time, support and best wishes. Feeling happy about our day now!