wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

[kingvardos]

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

Ps great the counsellor was so good. Exactly that...you cannot mend her only she can. No amount of cajoling, confronting etc can change her. Just try to let go of the anger, feel pity for her and create LOTS of distance xx

I honestly can't tell you all how much you are helping me! I feel I'm fighting a losing battle here and my brothers aren't getting it. Actually making me feel like I'm losing my marbles!

They don't have to get it, but they need to respect it and you.

For years my oldest db didn't not understand what i was trying to say abut ours. But he still respected my choices. it took for him to actually end up living with her for an extended period of time for it to drop.

He still has contact, as does my other db, but they both see that she treated me worse then them, and respect my decision to have very little to do with her.

Sadly you are also fighting a battle with your brothers. They are not ready to face up to the truth about your DM so they are fighting to get you back in line.

There is an alternative. You can be DMNC without winning them over and forcing them to face up the truth.

Refuse to talk to them about your DM. Talk about anything else, everything else. Tell them you insist on keeping them out of it, it is just between you and your DM and they should tell her the same.

They will go on their own journeys of enlightenment when they are ready. Just because you are ready doesn't mean they have to be ready.

Thankyou. It's taking a lot not to lose my marbles right now!

And yes I need to just talk about anything but her to them as they are so mad with me

I thought you said that they got it now? Have they flipped back into compliant mode?

No I just think they are sick of her batshitness. I've gone no contact and my twin supports me. I'm looking forward to peace!

Go batshit then! Lose those marbles! Tell them to fuck off, come on over and they can deal with her, her h and her alcoholism.

You're out.