wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

[kingvardos]

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

My best friend had an alcoholic boyfriend with a pot habit. I invited her to my wedding but not him. She begged and begged me to let him come, he promised to be on his best behaviour and I relented.
He ruined the day. It was a small party, about 42 guests, and he managed to offend most of them.

Don't invite them.

Don't invite them. Don't go so sad can meet your DH to be-it's fuck all to do with him. They will ruin your day. My mother has done this on multiple occasions and is now spoken to before the event. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Fuck 'em.

We got married in secret because we didn't want his parents there as they were against the marriage. In retrospect I deeply regret not having my family there (I felt sad getting ready without my sisters) and I wish we had just invited who we wanted to be there. That would be my advice: it is your very special day, just invite who you want to be there.

Did you know that if more than 50% of the children of a marriage live in Australia, the parents can emigrate without a problem? You have two brothers, right? Tell them that your mother has found this out and is planning to live near them. THEN tell them (after the panic) that this is why you don't want them at your wedding.

Aim for a lovely wedding, not a dutiful wedding, OP.

Your mum would never actually know if you did marry him, would she?

Just getting married separately then post wedding celebration (to which you do not invite these people) is looking good.

Hi everyone. Thankyou all for your advice. I'm going to speak with her on Sunday. Apparently she needs a week to get over the emotional drain of dealing with me. Still no acknowledgement of her drinking. I'm going to see if she'll agree to no alcohol at the wedding. If she says it's a problem then they aren't coming.

My dress was from a vintage fair!

Oh my word, OP, that dress is stunning

"I'm going to speak with her on Sunday. Apparently she needs a week to get over the emotional drain of dealing with me. Still no acknowledgement of her drinking. I'm going to see if she'll agree to no alcohol at the wedding"

No, please do not do that also because you will come off far worse from any so called discussion you have with her. She is now an elderly drunkard. You still want to be reasonable with her and that will be your further undoing (you've already offered to pay for a hotel and why was that, look at your own reasons carefully for at all doing that in the first place).

This selfish woman has never shown you any real care or concern your whole life (your nan really brought you up) and she is not going to change now. She has put drink and men first her whole life and that is not your doing. Chances are as well she may well be not cold sober either so she will not be reasonable in any case. Infact she will not be reasonable but will continue to throw her toys out of the pram.

Her primary relationship is after all with drink and her next thought centres on where the next drink is going to come from.

I call BS on her needing a week to apparently get over the emotional drain of dealing with you. Such toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for her actions. She is still toxic through and through.

She is NEVER ever going to acknowledge that she has a drink problem; like many alcoholics they are in denial and she is likely underestimating how much she is drinking as well.

Put your foot down with her now, sod waiting until Sunday.
Do not give her any options; she needs to be told via the telephone that she and her enable of a H are now not invited due to the fact they cannot be at all trusted. Do not either also let your brothers guilt trip you into having her there.

Lovely dress by the way.

Wow you look amazing!

......I'm going to speak with her on Sunday. Apparently she needs a week to get over the emotional drain of dealing with me.......

Don't you see that she is already destroying what should also be a lovely time for you before the wedding!!

I really hope that you don't for one moment think they will behave themselves on the day, because they won't, they'll be as drunk as skunks and all the pre-wedding resentment will come out.

Your mother is selfish, perhaps she needs a taste of her own medicine.

Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous.

You will be a beautiful bride, so stuff em and enjoy your day.

That is one of the most beautiful dresses I have ever ever seen

That dress is just wonderful.

I grinned from ear to ear when I saw that dress. You're going to look stunning!
My DF was invited to the ceremony only of my sisters wedding and asked not to come to the reception. He couldn't be trusted, and that was HIS fault. Not my sisters.
He was dead by the time it came to mine so no decision to make, but if I'm honest, that was a relief.

Flying monkeys?

A cautionary tale, my 1st wedding was marred by my sister who is an alcoholic. She put on a spectacularly vile show that day, it actually made all the other things she ruined look insignificant by comparison. Anyway fast forward a few years and we are now NC. My 2nd wedding was lovely. You just can't win with an alcoholic, leave them to it and don't let them ruin your day.

There is no point in getting her to agree not to drink: because whatever she agrees to in advance will not happen on the day. It never does. As someone previously said, the alcohol is more important than you.

And there is no point in them meeting your fiancee beforehand: what difference would it make? Are you going to change your mind based on their opinion? Will they even remember what he's like?

If you can't make the wedding work for you ( GeoffreysGoat suggestion) then don't invite them because the day will be ruined for you. Even if they do behave you will have spent so much time beforehand worrying about it, and anticipating it on the day, and watching their every move - just not worth it.

Will her presence contribute to your happiness on the day?
I don't think so.
The strain on you worrying what MIGHT happen will mar your day. Why have her there ?
What a fab dress. You look great in it.
Have a wonderful day.
How can your brother, whose own wedding was ruined by the behaviour of your mother possibly expect you to have her at your wedding?
The poster who suggested the Australian rule re relations ruse to you - how brilliant is that- frighten the guilt tripping out of them

Hi everybody,

I'm the fiance in this tale (a MNer too).. I have my beautiful fiancee's back completely. Ever since I proposed this has been a concern of ours, after how they have behaved at previous functions. I am so not wanting to meet the SD in question. I have met the mum in once, but spoken to her many times on the phone The last time I was talking to her I asked how much she was drinking and she said she had a couple of glasses with a meal. I know this is denial in action. My fiancee joked afterwards saying she had probably substituted the word 'glasses' for 'boxes'.

Future MIL is making her feel guilty and trying to turn the focus back on her, completely ignoring the issues that have been raised as she can't (won't) deal with them.

Don't get me wrong, my own DM is toxic (stately homes brought me to MN) but she is at least the Hiacynth Bucket type and obsessed with keeping up appearances and would never let me down in public. My father is sweet and lovely, although weak and enabling. My own parents don't drink much, although my dad did a lot when he was younger.

My own thoughts are that future MIL and SD will make a scene. They have delusions of grandeur. Or as my mum would say, Champagne tastes and Beer money.

Thanks for all the advice (and compliments) you have given to my future wife.

OP. What a fab dress!

I wouldn't have them there, and I wouldn't go down the road of making it a booze-free wedding, having them for part of it etc - not least because I imagine they could drink beforehand and lay your plans to waste.

Just don't. Tell them they're not welcome as they can't be counted on to handle their drink, then unplug the phone.

OP's fiancé - don't tell me you peaked at the dress!!!

*peeked

Unexpected, I was there at the vintage fair where she tried it on, sorry! (Not superstitious)

Have to agree with Alfresco. If you make it a dry wedding they will be hammered before they arrive and smuggle booze in. You are still bargaining with her addiction - you can't win.

You and your gorgeous dress (and your DP and kids!) deserve to have a happy and relaxed wedding day. These people cannot be a part of that. Your SD does not need to meet your fiance, why on earth would he?

You are still very much bound up in the dysfunction of their addiction, have you been to Al Anon at all? (This is for the families of alcoholics). It's time to start detaching from these people - you owe them nothing.