wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

[kingvardos]

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

Typical addict attention seeking behaviour from your mother. Its so me, me me, predictable and boring. Delete it and her from your life.

I strongly urge you to NOT respond at all to that manipulative missive of hers; the response is the reward to such disordered people. That is what she wants from you then she can then bother you even more.

Radio silence from you needs to be maintained. That will drive her nuts.
Her flying monkeys who have been manipulated by her here all too easily also cannot be at all trusted; they are purely acting in their own interests here and are not interested in hearing your own truth.

From the old regime to the new future. A turning point - forwards, not back over the same old same old...long live the new!

Attila the radio silence did drive her nuts! She tried to video Skype me on Saturday and I heard my phone going and felt sick. Ignored it. She tried twice. I said call me if you want to I don't like doing video chats.

Spoke to her last night and wow! The venom coming off her! She admitted she tried to Skype so I could see how ill she looked.

I was awake at three chatting to my DBs and they finally get why I'm going no contact. The penny has dropped. So sad, I never thought it would get this bad and I don't feel I've grieved at all. Seeing my counsellor - new one on Wednesday. Do you think it might help to email her this thread or not?

Lolimax

Great that db's coming around just be careful they're not lulling you into a false sense of security to get you to admit you're at all unsure

Block her number, you don't need this.

DO NOT EMAIL HER THIS THREAD.

You will give her an even bigger stick to beat you with.

She meant should she email her counsellor the thread. I kind of think not, go in with a blank page. (I've had counselling and it really helped me)

No not my mum! The counsellor but fair enough I won't show her this. I'm not even sure how she can help me but I'm going in with an open mind ...

Sorry. My bad. Early morning teething baby.

Maybe mention it, then she can read it if she thinks it's a good idea.

Glad to hear your brothers understand more. Don't be shocked or upset if they have a few more wobbles in their support, though. Good luck with the counsellor. So sorry she is being so vile.

My twin especially is being great. She's no longer calling him now which he's relieved about. He knows she behaving badly.

Oh i am sorry to read you are still going through the mill. Please remember nothing has changed. She is still an ill person..an addict in denial trying to blame others (the line that you are 'driving her to drink' by accusing her of being an alcoholic is a tried and tested classic...i heard that many a time). You are trying to heal the rift because you love her and are afraid. You can't yet see that it is impossible to build bridges with someone in so much denial. Love and let go until she accepts her problems. Ps my mum is on day 20 of sobriety and has been staying with us for a week. She will probably relapse but I am enjoying seeing the old unselfish person come through again. Your mum is being horrid and selfish but please remember it is part of the disease. That's why apologising is a big part of the 12 step programme! Just take a deep breath and let go and trust in the fact that she will most likely face up to the disease at some point. Your brothers are unfortunately enabling her by not confronting it themselves. But leave that to one side and focus on being happy and that your mum may come through this or she may not but you will have done what you could. Xx

poxworrier - thank you!
I went to see a new counsellor on Wednesday and she was absolutely brilliant. Made me see I can't fix her but I can heal me. She was so kind and insightful. She said I had no self esteem (yup) and she could see that I struggled with praise, kept putting myself down during the session which I had not noticed at all. I will definitely go back to see her next week. It was really good to just let it all out and I do really trust her. This week has been exhausting emotionally but my wonderful DP has been my rock.

Also I have been reading the "can't deal with batshit" and wow so many 40 year old women who have toxic parents have gone NC. And the guilt they all feel I understand but makes me feel I am not a bad person for calling my mum out on her behaviour. I am hoping she leaves me alone this weekend.....

Oh dear. She has emailed me twice.
Sent me 33Mb of photos to prove I had a happy childhood!
Then quoted the bible: (she isn’t religious)
“Quote: John 8:7, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. Interpretation: take responsibility for your own behaviour before judging others.”
(jeez)
And
Reminder, you’re probably so wrapped up in yourself you’ve forgotten it’s DN’s 4th birthday tomorrow. (my twin’s DD)
NICE!

king

More PA crap from your mother. Why am I not at all surprised?. This is really the sort of stuff such toxic people do and get a rise from as well.

Do yourself a huge favour here and a)delete this missive from your mother if your have not already done so and b) block her e-mail address from your inbox.

She is determined to deny your experiences. You are not allowed your own memories, your own beliefs, your own interpretations. She is desperate for you to return to the official denial story.

Do you plan to ignore this batshit nonsense or will you credit it with a reply?

Ignore!

Let he who is without sin?????

So she's saying you're equal? That you deserved the treatment?

Zero. Go absolute zero on her arse. How the fuck dare she.

A NORMAL parent would be hurt that you were upset and would move heaven and earth to make it better.

She is denying the pain you have, the decisions you took and the hurt she caused. Unacceptable
:(

Hissy, you just nailed it. Unfortunately :(

Ignore it, and ignore her. Keep attending counselling.

Btw the few very toxic parents (of very longstanding friends) I have known have all been very big on photos!

Photos are not a childhood. She can't make your memories not real, even though she clearly wants to. Sounds like your counsellor has got a good handle on the situation.

Block your mum's email address. Get some head space and some peace.

More denial from your mum. Just delete it and don't respond. Rows feed the addict as they give them justification to drink. Just relax, ignore her emails or get your DP to respond perhaps and have a lovely weekend xx