wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

[kingvardos]

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

Have you had the "chat" with db yet op?

Yes spoke to my DB. Initially he was furious with me how much is hurt mum blah blah blah. He even hung up on me and he's never done that!

He called me back calmer and heard my side.
Said she is devastated as it was the only bright thing on her horizon so I felt really guilty. Still heard nothing from her. We used to speak daily. So I guess she's too weak to talk to me.

Went to see a counsellor tonight. It helped to rant but I felt Nothing! No tears just anger. Not sure if I'll go back again ...

Go back, this is going to take time to fix

Or try al-anon?

Remember he has a huge vested interest in YOU picking up all the prices.

Or SHE becomes HIS problem. He wants it to all go away, and the easiest way for that to happen is for you to get back in line to be thrown under the bus by her again.

stay firm and repeat what you have said. She knows why you have decided this, it's her choice to do something about it or not.

If he agrees with you, it's an admission that his mother is in real trouble.

His denial is also his issue.

As a wild guess ... She's not calling you ... But she's driving HIM nuts!! And his solution is to get you to put up with her shite! No! Do not stand for this. Stay strong

It will take time for you to believe you have permission to let all your pent up feelings about this come to the surface. Keep talking to the counsellor, it will come.

It's not the only bright thing on her horizon, this is just a great line for the pity party she is throwing herself right now. Hissy's right, your DB just wants this problem to go away, i.e. for you to push down your own feelings and do what you've always done, which is pander to her addiction.

Poor you. But you are doing the right thing. This is your wedding day! The more allowances you make for your mum the more you actually enable the behaviour. I think there is some truth in the old adage they need to hit rock bottom if they are to have a chance of recovery. You all ignoring the alcoholism and re inviting her to your wedding because you want everything to be ok again won't actually help her. Please bear that in mind. What will help you both is setting reasonable and respectful boundaries. That takes time. Have a few sessions with a counsellor. I personally found it isn't like one session fixes everything and often i thought was that worth it? But over the course of a few sessions they usually say one nugget that sticks and makes the other ten worthwhile! Might be worth you seeing someone who specialises in addictions. I fpund that session v helpful. Now remember this will pass, it just feels full of drama now but in a month this will be calmer. You do not need to be worrying about her or doing anything. Just let things be for a bit and focus on being happy xx

DB basically thinks there is no chance of recovery for her, hence the pretty much grant the dying woman her last wish line.

And I guess that's why she won't acknowledge the issues, because she is incapable of doing anything and her husband is arrogant and controlling.

The ball is in her court now and it's up to her to decide if she wants any kind of relationship going forward.

I definitely wouldn't rely on that. Drs told my mum she's die within 2 or 3 yrs if she carried on drinking like that. That was almost 20 yrs ago. The liver is a weird organ..it can almost completely regenerate in just a few months unless you have cirrhosis. From what OP has said she is still managing to get out of the house, hasn't been hospitalised. I suspect she is not a dying woman and has many years ahead. There will be plenty of family occasions in the future too if she recovers...kids bdays etc. I'm def not advocating harsh treatment of her...she'll ill yes. But detach with love. You can disinvite her from your wedding and still love her. The two are not mutually exclusive. And the invitation is presumably open if she admits the problem and seeks help.

If you brother really believes that your mother is dying, why isn't he moving back here from Australia to care for her ?

He accepts that she will never change and that she will be this way until she dies basically.

Of course your brother doesn't want you to go non-contact with your mother. That might mean him having to becomes responsible for her- fair easier for him to harangue you into dealing with all the shitstorms she generates.

He's being pretty supportive of why I said what I said. I still don't regret opening up this can of worms as surely she may be doing a lot of thinking re her behaviour and lifestyle. Or maybe she's drinking more. I don't know but I refuse to grovel.

Someone mentioned if she got help, then would I re invite them. Absolutely. But she won't. Or can't.

I'm sorry, but please don't hold onto any hope that this will make her do " a lot of thinking re her behaviour and lifestyle " .

That's why she drinks - so she doesn't have to to any thinking or feeling . I'm afraid that her rock bottom may be a long way down yet .

Please concentrate on your wedding and your lovely husband to be . And don't waste any more mental and emotional energy on her for the moment .

Because I can assure you that she's not spending any of her time thinking of you :-(

Kr1stina you are rght. I am going to just get on with my life and ignore her ignoring me! It's ridiculous.

So I tried to call her phone last night. Twatty SD picked up then hung up on me. Told me to go away. Charming. Spoke to older DB who said it might take years to forgive ME! Spoke to my twin who it turns out has been on the phone every night to her. Poor thing. My book arrives today. After the tears. Children of alcoholic parents. How to heal childhood trauma. I've booked a new counsellor and spoken to her and she sounded strong but friendly. She said she could help my anger towards my family.

Why did you call?

Ask yourself what you wanted/expected from it and realise it's Never Going to happen.

Sorry :(

Yes, why did you call? It was a perfect excuse for them to act out, make it All About Them and put all the blame on you. They will never, ever, ever accept they have done anything wrong. What you need to focus on now is doing the work to get to the point where you can believe it doesn't matter what they think, or what they say.

So I tried to call her phone last night

I think you need to consider why you decided to do that at all as well as speaking to her flying monkeys aka your DB and your twin. No good was ever going to come of that. Flying monkeys like them are not going to act in your best interests, only theirs and their interest in you is centred on you so they do not have to deal with their mother's shite and dysfunction.

Well I hope you will not be making that error of judgment again.

Attila as always you are right. But I tried as I truly love her and hate her at the same time

I got sent this by her:

"Just give me one good reason why I should call you.....to subject myself to more of your vicious abuse and foul language? More of your lies, accusations and fantasies about the past? It has to be ALL ABOUT YOU of course.

Dh asked me if I was bulimic the other evening after I threw up yet again.

Repeat....we are NOT alcoholics but you're doing a great job of driving me to drink as well as making me ill.

twin forwarded your text message, in which you admitted your "cruel words". I'll call when I'm ready, not at your command.
Mum"

Do at least I have my answer. Heart broken but relieved in a wierd way. She'll deny and my brothers enable. My DP is being so bloody lovely so there you go. Off to see a house in a bit and focus on our FUTURE!!!

The important thing now is not to respond (which is what she'll expect) and work on believing that every word she said is a self-serving lie.

Note as well that unfortunately you can't trust your twin to keep anything confidential between you - he isn't an ally.

You cannot trust flying monkeys tell them nothing. As others have said their only interest is in NOT having to deal with her themselves. Also accusing YOU of lying etc is standard addict behaviour. Because the only alternative is to admit you're right and she is an addict and has been a shit mum - she can't face that.