wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

[kingvardos]

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

I'm so so so excited to marry my best friend. All my best friends will be there, its a summer BBQ casual thing no top table, quick 20 min ceremony then a evening of shaking our butts (as long as I don't trip up in the dress!) and I can't help feeling it will be marred by me watching the pair like a hawk. Luckily I have two people who will be doing that for me who have met them and know what they are like.

She won't respond to my texts until she deems to on Sunday!

You are trying to do the right thing by your mother who has never done the right thing by you.

And hurting yourself in the process. Time to stop hurting yourself.

The 'right' thing to do is to have the day that you and your new husband want to have.

"and I can't help feeling it will be marred by me watching the pair like a hawk. Luckily I have two people who will be doing that for me who have met them and know what they are like".

Do not have those two drunkards in the shapes of your mother and stepfather there. Why are you pandering still to these people?. Think on that question. You can truly be your own worst enemy sometimes.

What and who is more important to you ultimately; your future married life with your H to be or your mother and stepfather, both of whom are drunkards.

I don't know if this is of any help, but friends who felt they had to invite an alcoholic brother to their wedding arranged in advance that, given the wink, another couple of guests would tempt him into an separate area and chuck him out from there

I wasn't at that one, but was told that sadly they had to do exactly that - point is, the unpleasant scene took place without disrupting the rest of the reception, with many guests not even aware what had happened

Puzzled. If they come I have 2 dedicated people to do the same! She's already stated she is staying in the venue the night before even though I begged her not to. I wanted a peaceful evening with my fiancée but she said its more convenient for THEM!

It's our day hunny, not theirs remember. We get to say what happens. Xxx

kingvardos personally I'd tell her she's not coming, but it's not for anyone else to make that decision for you

Staying at the place would be unfortunate in making it harder to "uproot" her if necessary - how about cancelling any booking she makes, re-booking her into another place nearby and presenting it as a done deal when / if she tries to check in? Hopefully she'd still be sober at that point, but if she makes a scene you can revert to the chucking-out scenario (if the hotel haven't already done it for you!!)

She didn't invite you to her wedding but you must have her at yours?!!

Sod that. Don't invite her.

Can you elope with all your dcs and dscs?

Kingvardos

re your comment:-
"She's already stated she is staying in the venue the night before even though I begged her not to".

Am unfortunately not all that surprised to read that at all.

Therefore your mother is also a person who will not submit to or comply with any boundaries you care to set her. I think your conversation with her on Sunday will be nothing much short of disasterous for you; she will continue to make you very unhappy as long as you maintain any form of contact with her.

This is who she is, it is not your fault she is like this. You did not make her that way (her own family of origin did that). What if anything do you know about her own childhood, that often provides clues.

Hi Attila,
I don't know a lot but what I do know is that her father was very strict and absent. Very unaffectionate. She was at ballet school and her career ended when she broke her ankle which would have crushed her.

She modelled for a while (and has mourned the loss of her looks. She was truly stunning before smoking and drinking).

She married young and had a vile MIL (my father's mother) who criticised her and lived with them. (We hated visiting her so I know she wasn't lying abut how she was as a person)

My father worked in a theatre and during the baby years slept with any woman he could. All her friends knew but never told her. She developed anorexia after this.

He left when I was three. I didn't ask where he was for 3 weeks apparently as he was never there.

I am only just getting to know my father and I think she feels very betrayed. He made a good life for himself and married my stepmother when we were toddlers. He has been with her for 40 years, and has a good retirement, half the year in France, and she is bitter about this and that I love my stepmum.

My mother's father (my grandad) adored us all but doted on me in particular. She struggled with this. He spoilt us rotten. When he died she refused to let us go to the funeral. I was 7 and truly heartbroken. I have never gotten over that tbh.

She showed me very little affection as a child. It was my nan and my close relationship with my brothers that taught me to love and be loved.

When my nan died I had a horrible suspicion my mum spent all the money on herself and my SD. My nan always said she was saving for her grandkids' future but we got a very small amount ......all her items were sold for cash even though I asked to keep a few sentimental items such as original winnie the pooh books. (that I used to love reading with her. I would never have sold them)

She has always had a chip on her shoulder about not having money and went bankrupt twice through bad decisions when we were teens. We moved over 12 times. I used to come home from boarding school to a new house and bedroom that she had decorated ....in pink. Knowing I hated pink. (not that important but another sign she didn't consider me)

So she has had a hard life.
BUT many people do.
Thanks for your input by the way.I have read many of your posts helping people and consider you very clued up on toxic parents.

OP I had a picture in my mind when you described the dress, but the real thing is much more lovely.

Please, please don't invite them, you and your fiance deserve a happy day.

Gorgeous dress!! £18? Seriously??

She's ramping up the sobbing & carrying on to try to provoke a reaction - keep firm.

£18 reduced from £25. I tried it on as a joke!
I also found a 70s coat to go with it (hand made) which makes it more sparkley....I will try and find a picture of it. It cost £45. We dont want to spend a lot of money or get into debt. Friend is making the cake, another providing metres of handmade bunting and vases.....so shouldn't be too bad!

The coat :)

Absolutely stunning

Dress and coat simply stunning.

Get back into counselling - you are still playing the part of trying to please her/ not upset her.

Nothing good will come of her attending your wedding.

New chapter. New boundaries. You deserve happiness.

Hi Andbabymakesthree, I am on a list for counselling, mainly about how I feel about my past and being my mum's carer as a kid. (Huge bouts of depression on her side). I think it will really help especially if she carries on like this she won't be around for too long.

Sober she is WONDERFUl. Funny, kind and a pleasure to be around. It is just the evenings....

Wow - what a fabulous outfit! I hope your mum likes it too, when you send her a picture AFTER the wedding. You sound like a lovely person to be so concerned about someone who doesn't seem to have ever been very concerned about you. Some people just don't have it in them to be good parents, and it's not down to you to make amends for her short-comings.
Whatever you decide, I hope you have a wonderful wedding day, and a very happy marriage.

upaldderagain! Bah ha ha!!! That made me laugh out loud! Can you imagine her cat's bum face?

Kingvardos (seems odd to address her by her MN name!) IS a lovely person, kind and generous to a fault. I love her so much. Thank you all for all your kind words and wisdom. We have a lot to think about now.

I didn't get married until I was 42. I had no intention of inviting my mother (for various reasons), so I didn't. Did I feel the slightest pang of guilt? Not a jot. I had a stress-free, worry-free, time of it. Had I been 20 years younger I might have felt a bit different. But as a middle-aged adult - nope!

The only advantage of people as selfish as your parents is that they believe the world revolves around them. Could you perhaps get married without them and then take them out for dinner ( just the four of you) and say we got married quietly?

Hi Kingvardos.

You could be stuck on a waiting list re counselling for a long time (particularly if it is NHS based). The problem also is that they can only offer a limited number of sessions and you may well need more than what they can offer.

I would suggest you contact BACP when you are able to and have a look at what therapists are in your area. You would end up seeing someone much quicker that way.

I would certainly agree with Andbabymakesthree that you are still trying to please your mother and seek her approval. Its all very typical from a person like your good self who has been on the receiving end of such toxic and inadequate parenting. Alcoholism is truly a family disease and one that does not just affect the alcoholic. I would read the chapter in Susan's Forward book called Toxic Parents about families with alcoholism in them.

A word re therapists; you need to find someone who has NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Also they are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits in with you. Someone who also has vast experience in the ways of alcoholism in families would also be of benefit to you. I would also talk to Al-anon re your mother.

I thought she had had a hard life and there was abuse in that too. Its still no excuse or justification for what happened to you all as children.
How can such a women be at all described as "kind and a pleasure to have around when sober "(which I doubt) bearing in mind also she has insulted your fiancé more than once. I doubt whether your mother is infact ever truly stone cold sober to be honest with you (same with the stepfather) as they are so addled by drink. Please do not have either she or your drunkard stepfather at your wedding.

Wow re dress, absolutely stunning.