wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

[kingvardos]

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

Tribpot, unfortunately the brothers (who are lovely though) are also making her feel guilty about cutting ties saying that she will regret it if she dies etc.

Tell her not to go down that rabbit hole.

Basically what these brothers (who are not lovely) are telling their sister is that her valid feelings do not matter; the dysfunction and their roles in it need to be maintained.

Her mother has had a lifetime to make a difference when it came to all of them as children and she has failed utterly. Her alcoholic stepdad and mother made their choices, and apparently through the grid of how these type of statements are meant to be taken, those choices are acceptable but any choice NOT to put up with abusive and disrespectful disregarding treatment is NOT acceptable? That is insane. It’s like people are so brainwashed by this whole thing that they don’t even realize how stupid it sounds to be told to accept abuse/neglect/disrespect just because "they" are "family".

The following excerpt from Darlene Ouimet may help as well:-
"When people say “Your mother is getting old; she is sick, what if she dies?” I still fail to see what her health has to do with any of this. That question is a rabbit trail leading nowhere. Do they mean that mother is old so I should let ‘bygones be bygones’ and forget all about it? What does one have to do with the other? What does the fact that my parents are getting older have to do with any of this? What about ME? What about what happened to me? Why doesn’t that matter? That is what I am addressing now. That is why I don’t see them; because I finally understood that I mattered ~ even if I only mattered to me. I finally mattered enough that I stood up to the way that they treated me and said “no more”. And they refused to validate that there was ever a problem and they took the stand that the only problem was me, just as they always did. There was no place for my voice but none the less I HAVE a voice; and I have a choice too.

People will say ~”Your parents are getting old, you should give them a break”. Why doesn`t anyone ever ask my parents when they are going to give ME a break? I understand that my parents are not admitting to anyone the reason WHY I don’t see them, or why I drew a boundary in the first place, so I can understand people not telling my parents that they should make the effort everyone thinks that I should make, but I don’t understand why people stick up for them and try to shame me, when I HAVE legitimate reasons for not seeing them. This sick and dysfunctional family system has its roots in the universal and widely accepted belief that PARENTS have rights that their children DON’T have.

Most of the time people don’t even care to hear the reasons adult children have for not seeing their parents; they just tell these adult children they are wrong. They automatically defend the parents without even hearing or caring about the reason behind the broken relationship. That is offensive.

It is dismissive and discounting. It is even more offensive when the reasons for not seeing parents ARE revealed and people still judge the adult child to be the one in the wrong. That is what this “what if your parents die” question is about. It is about parental rights and entitlement ~ something that YOU as their child don’t have in a dysfunctional family system.

(This part is think is very telling when it comes to her brothers) People are so afraid that if they ‘hear you’ and validate your reasons for not having relationship with your parents, or for going no contact, that they might have to think about the dysfunctional relationships they have with their parents or even worse, with their grown kids".

Attila, you're right, her mother completely failed to protect her. And in so many ways too. She failed, because she didn't even try. She just thought about herself. When she has 'looked after' the grandkids she found it really hard work because she never did it as a mum in the first place. The degree of neglect I found astonishing. In my opinion my fiancee owes them nothing. I will support her in whatever she/we decide to do.

Hi Attila.
This: People are so afraid that if they ‘hear you’ and validate your reasons for not having relationship with your parents, or for going no contact, that they might have to think about the dysfunctional relationships they have with their parents or even worse, with their grown kids".

This is it exactly.
My older brother has been an alcoholic all his life and has finally stopped. He won’t discuss how I feel as he disagrees, and thinks I am stirring up a hornest nest of shit by doing this but I can’t ignore it anymore. I can’t have these fake conversations about her neighbours dog or some other trivial shit while she can’t address reality.

I have had a bad relationship with alcohol but with my fiancés help it is under control and way better than it was (I started drinking when my ex left me).The thing is I admitted it and acknowledged it was getting out of hand. She won’t/can’t.

I sent her a long list of the things they did that fucked me up…as a kid. Ie my SD drink driving, the police being called as they had a physical drunken fight, her multiple drunken suicide attempts in the home. One of the worst was when my older brother’s wife met SD for the first time he was asked to behave by my brother as her Father died of alcoholism. SD was roaring drunk and fell over. I have many many more memories. She denies any of them happened. So I guess I have my answer but still feel awful about telling her on Sunday.

My mum is also an alcoholic. V severe. She missed my son's christening because she knew she wasn't up to it. And i appreciated that she knew that and didn't turn up in a state. If you have voiced your concerns and they are in denial then honestly it is absolutely fine not to invite them. Don't let this ruin your day. If she loved you, she'd acknowledge the problem and stay sober. Let go and enjoy your own family and your day. Life goes on without her there.

What everyone else said. Don't invite her .

You are foolish if you try to extract promises from her about her behaviour, if she was able and willing to stop she would have done it years ago .

She's made her choices about the main relationship in her life, and it's with alcohol . It's not you or your brothers. So don't let her anywhere near your wedding .

Wendle, this: If she loved you, she'd acknowledge the problem and stay sober.

That is never going to happen. An alcoholic loves to drink before anything/anyone else. The thing is, we reckon they are going to be flat broke before the wedding even comes around. They will probably expect us to pay for them to be there too!

We aren't bloody paying darling!!!

Haha!! Good!

This happened to me. My parents are separated and my lovely dad and his partner were a huge part of our day.
My mother is an unfeeling alcoholic. I'd already cut contact with her for a year before my wedding and I was emotionally blackmailed by my ageing grandma (mum's side obvs) to invite her. So I did.
She had no input in the run up to the wedding, cried and smoked all over me and my children and sneered at my dads lovely speech even though he very gracefully included her when she didn't deserve it.
She had to go home before the evening guests arrived as she could no longer speak and fell over at the bar.
We haven't spoken since and we never will. She simply will not accept that her behaviour is shocking and that she has an alcohol problem.

So in summary I would say if your munis anything like mine then don't invite her. She will ruin your day xx

You look lovely OP.

No to them coming to the wedding. After all, you weren't invited to THEIR wedding. It is them that has set the precedent. Just refer them back to when you were a child at boarding school and told that you weren't invited. Hypocritical of them to even expect to be invited.

And for God's sake don't let them know when and where the ceremony is. Because you know they'll turn up anyway, right?

Too late for that, they know when and where.

Bloody good point about not being invited to theirs!

Peterrabbitt. That is spookily similar. My dad made a lovely speech at my twin brothers wedding and she ran out sobbing. She hadn't made a speech but resented him getting laughs from guests and hogging the limelight. (He didn't)
Me and my fiancée are staying with him and my lovely step mum and she's furious! Wants us to stay with her for 3 days. This is NOT an option. It would be hellish. Sorry about your mum :( seems to be a few out there sadly ..

Don't invite them, your wedding day, your choice. Some people (parents or otherwise) are more trouble than they're worth.

People will always say you'll regret cutting your parents out 'when they pass'...my addict father died six years ago, I hadn't seen him for ten years prior, I felt regret for all of one day after he died. Then remembered that he was poison and my life was calmer and more positive without him.

Have a happy happy wedding day!!

Your dress is wonderful.

It won't look so good with red wine spilt all over it, courtesy of your DM.

Don't invite them. Send them a crate bottle of wine and tell them to stay at home and drink your health

Don't even think of attempting a conversation with her about this - it's your wedding and your decision to make, especially given the way she's treated you. The only way you could avoid her drinking on the day is to ban alcohol for everyone, and even then she'd probably sneak some in or arrive already pissed

A very wise friend once said that nobody can make you feel guilty; you can only choose to do that yourself - so get married to your clearly wonderful fiance in your absolutely beautiful dress, and sod the lot of them

On my comment about if she loved you she'd stay sober... I agree they love it above anything else and at the expense of everything else almost always but personally i do think there comes a point where they know what behaviour is unacceptable. Perhaps your mum is at an earlier stage than mine if she's still in denial. My mum is at the most chronic stage of alcoholism and has had it for about 30 odd years. She's been sectioned, in and out of rehab and hasnt had a day when she hasnt been obliterated by booze for goodness knows how long. She goes months without showering, doesnt eat...she's not a functioning alcoholic as she doesnt function at all. She's almost feral. BUT if there's an important family event she either is in too far in one of her binges and knows it and doesnt come or she detoxes and comes to the event. She has behaved selfishly on too many occasions to count and i agree an alcoholic's primary driving force /relationship is booze but i think if i asked her to stay sober for my wedding she would or would stay away. There are lots of occasions where she doesnt recognise the upset she causes but also plenty she does. Has taken years to draw the right boundaries but it can be done a bit. Not if she is in denial though i guess. It has also taken me 30 odd years to stop being angry with her. It is a tragic disease that takes absolutely everything and destroys your mind as well as your body. I am more sympathetic these days. But all of that is not the issue at hand..which is to enjoy your wonderful wedding day without this hanging over you. Ps did you see that Louis Theroux documentary on alcoholics recently. I thought it was good.

kingvardos I love your dress

SureItsNotJustMe Well done for supporting your wife to be.

At least if my mother was an alcoholic there would be an excuse for the vile behaviour but she is absolutely stone cold sober and fully aware of every single hurtful word.

Thank you all for your kind messages. I will update on Sunday and she what on earth she says. I am almost sure she will not be honest......not sure why I am bothering but I need to try.

She is hurt and upset and making it all about "poor me". oh well. Again thank you all. (And glad you like the dress as I wasn't sure it was a bit too "wacky")

I hope I haven't offended anyone with my previous comment. I do understand that it is not easy for you all and I don't mean to belittle anyone's experiences

No offense caused at all! I am not easily offended
The strange thing about all this kicking off is I am relieved. Glad I told her how it was for us, especially as I saw her behaviour more after my brothers emmigrated.

She however is a sobbing self-pitying mess who can't face talking to me for a week. Probably drowning her sorrows. I just can't make myself care anymore. I am done with the tears and anger over the years. Hey ho!

Don't invite her. Enjoy your day. Dress is amazing.

You look amazing I that dress and it is very sad that she doesn't deserve to see you wear it but she really doesn't. This is about to and your future dh. This is your day, not another day to be nervous about it to have ruined. Take this as the first day of the rsst of your life and out of the shadow of sbusive and alcoholic parents.
Don't let her dictate to you about this. Even waiting until Sunday is just going to be worse for both of you. Write her a note or email if you would prefer, but time to just say no. Then have a cry for the mum you never had and move on.
Good luck

King you will be a stunning bride. Focus on your wedding and your lovely husband to be and your future. One of you or your mother is going to be upset, don't choose for it to be you. Frankly she chooses to be upset any which way, so you won't be able to make it all perfect for her whatever you do.

"I will update on Sunday and she what on earth she says. I am almost sure she will not be honest......not sure why I am bothering but I need to try".

So why are you at all bothering with her?. Its probably because you've been trained to do so as a now adult child to these two alcoholics. That is really your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) talking here.

You absolutely do not need to try and she could well go onto put the boot into you thereby upsetting you even more. You could end up feeling emotionally bruised from such an encounter. If you are truly done with her manipulations you do not have to see her or talk to her any longer.
Examine why you think you need to try, that would be far more productive than trying to speak to or at all reason with a drunkard. You owe this woman truly nothing

As I said before it is hard being the last one left but self preservation is necessary here.