Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

wedding dilemma about my alcoholic parents

284 replies

kingvardos · 12/06/2016 20:01

I have read this site for years and been wanting to put this out there to ask for words of wisdom as I am stuck. I don’t know if anyone can advise. I am getting married to the most wonderful man next August. It is a huge deal as neither of us have been married before. We are in our early forties and both have 2 children. I met him after 8 years of being single (with a few dates in between) and coming out of a 14 year unhappy relationship (with my childrens’ father).

My dilemma: my mum is an alcoholic, and so is her husband (my stepfather). At my twin brothers’ wedding 6 years ago, she and my SD stole other people’s drinks and poured them into their glasses....and she got very drunk and made an awful scene.

I am terrified she will do the same. I have basically had the most honest chat with her about my fears, and reminded her of the many many times the pair who are now in their 70s and 80s have fallen over drunk and made family events just so excruciating. She denies every event I remembered and said my memory was shot.
It isn’t sadly.

My stepdad who is very arrogant amongst other traits (think racist, homophobic etc) demands to meet my fiance before the wedding but I would rather pull my own teeth out, as would he ….(he has heard both of them very drunk on the phone around 8pm when I call) …..I can’t face it. I know they should meet but an overwhelming urge I have is to uninvite the pair to the wedding and go no contact. Both my brothers say I will regret it, you know what they are like etc.....they will never give up.....and are making me feel guilty. But they both emigrated to Australia years ago and are out of the worst of it.

But this wedding is small (30 people including us) and only my best friends are going and one brother on my side. They all know what they are like...........I am terrified of what they may do …..(I am not discounting dancing on tables and saying highly inappropriate things to our guests - especially my fiance’s family as they are very normal)

I appreciate any advice. My back history of awfulness from the pair is too long to go into but I will just say it was bad and has ended me up in counselling to understand why I grew up with such selfish people.
Thank you

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/06/2016 13:00

Hi Kingvardos,

I would most certainly write such a letter to your mother (you need to get it all out) but I would not ever send it; it should be shredded upon completion.

Of course you can PM me if you so wish. I also think it would help you a lot if you were able to speak to a therapist sooner rather than later (I noted an earlier comment about being on a waiting list for counselling).

I do hope that your wedding day when it is here is a happy one and that you both go onto have a long and happy marriage Flowers. Am only sorry they are only virtual ones.

kingvardos · 14/06/2016 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kingvardos · 14/06/2016 13:14

shit I meant to send that as a PM to you! Oh sod it.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/06/2016 13:15

About the counselling - do you have something like a Womens' Centre nearby? It's just that they often offer this, sometimes with much shorter waiting lists than doing it through your GP ...

Original poster
kingvardos · 14/06/2016 13:19

Not sure but I need it! Might go private if we can afford it

OP posts:
Original poster
kingvardos · 14/06/2016 13:20

Ps sorry for the above essay but fuck that felt good to get off my chest. Ignore if too long and rambley

OP posts:
SureItsNotJustMe · 14/06/2016 13:29

Oh hunny, that was so honest (and public, but hey let's shed all that shame once and for all). I love you so much. You are being very brave and strong, keep going. Flowers

anotherdayanothersquabble · 14/06/2016 13:49

Your dress is beautiful!!!

You have permission to have your wedding as you want it and to carry on living your own life, better than the one your mother has mapped out for you.

Your brothers have moved away, they get to love their own lives. Move away too, to your own new life where you call the shots. Say no!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/06/2016 14:07

King

That letter to your mother needed to come out.

I would consider what you would want to achieve from speaking to your mother.

I think your mother will let you down on Saturday and that conversation will not go at all well for you. She does not want to hear what you have to say, this selfish woman has only acted for her own self interest her entire life. She will likely not cancel the hotel the night before nor behave herself at the wedding. There is no evidence to suggest that she has at all changed; she is still a thoroughly self centred and elderly woman with an alcohol dependency.

It is NOT repeat NOT your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way. Her family of origin did that to her and it is indeed to your credit that you have not gone down the path she took.

BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Al-anon is free and I think it would help you a lot if you could attend one of their meetings. Reading their literature could also help you as well.

Original poster
kingvardos · 14/06/2016 14:10

Thankyou so much, I will look both up after work Attila . You are very kind. All of you!

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/06/2016 14:28

[flowers

if you wish you can ask MNHQ to delete the post you meant for a PM.

Original poster
kingvardos · 14/06/2016 15:03

I have asked. But really it doesn't matter. I'm quite sick of being ashamed of all my past and I'm such a positive upbeat person now with two gorgeous kids and two more added who I'm getting to know. The future looks great :)

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 14/06/2016 15:07

Does your post use your step dads real name? Ive reported it in case it does.

I'm sorry your mother wasn't the mother you needed her to be. She doesn't deserve to be at your wedding.

I fully recommend al-anon

tribpot · 14/06/2016 15:13

I'm very fond of the expression 'sunlight is the best disinfectant'. Letting it all out is what you need to live your own life authentically and completely - to face your own demons with alcohol and eventually the toxic nature of your relationship with your mother. I think you're beginning to feel the relief that comes from not colluding in the lies any more.

Original poster
kingvardos · 14/06/2016 15:47

Tribpot- you hit the nail on the head. I feel so relieved to get all this support as I've only talked to friends and DP about this and I can't believe it's taken me 42 years to tackle it head on no matter the consequences.

I know she is going to be very very hurt but I've hurt silently for so long.

It feels like a new chapter. Free of lies. And a happy honest future :)

OP posts:
BlueFolly · 14/06/2016 16:09

I didn't invite an alcoholic relative to my wedding and as a consequence my dad didn't attend. It was an easy choice as I knew that even if they did behave (unlikely) the whole run up to it and the day would be ruined by being on tenterhooks the whole time.

Have never had a moments regret.

WindPowerRanger · 14/06/2016 16:48

Your mother and your stepfather will not enjoy the wedding. They will be drunk before, during and after. It will not give them pleasure to see you happy-they won't hate it either, it is just that your feelings don't really register (or I hope they don't, it would be terrible to think the awful things they did to you in the past were done actually recognising or even hoping that you would suffer as a result).

The reason your mother wants to come is more likely to be because it will reinforce the false picture of 'happy mother and daughter, normal childhood and relationship, move along nothing to see here' that your mother clings to. Making sure you are still 'colluding in the lies' indeed.

Which is why it will probably be damaging for you to have them there, whether they drink or not. And face it, you will be very on edge at every moment in case they are. Your mother is unlikely to show you love by staying sober and being nice.

Nip all the drama in the bud, for your own sake, and uninvite her now.

Inertia · 14/06/2016 16:52

If it's any consolation, she won't be very very hurt. Brutal as this sounds, she probably won't care. She didn't care enough to stop a stalker carrying you off at the age of 5 , so she certainly isn't going to care about you on your big day.

If she's hurt, she'll notice for a couple of hours before she drinks herself into a stupor. Even if she were to be delighted by your nuptials, it'd last for a couple of hours before drinking herself into a stupor. So as she'll be oblivious, go for the easy option.

You need to stop considering her feelings and start to move on. She'll never be the mother you wanted or needed or deserved, you can't fix that. It's time to focus on being the mother and stepmother your children need and deserve (not that you don't already, but your mother is using up a lot of your headspace).

There might be a fallout with your mother if she doesn't attend.

It's virtually a certainty that if she attends there will be fallout with her, your stepfather and probably various other family members.

You don't need to protect your mother from the consequences of her own actions.

Kr1stina · 14/06/2016 16:57

I know she is going to be very very hurt but I've hurt silently for so long

She won't be hurt at all . People like her don't have the capacity to be hurt. They are happy when you do what they want and angry and vengeful when you don't .

Original poster
kingvardos · 14/06/2016 17:58

Windpowerranger I am afraid you may be right. Both love to swan in glory (while everyone knows they are embarrassing ) and it may be more that.
She's v v judgemental on appearances. I feel utterly depressed about it all today.

Waiting for DP to get back for a hug!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/06/2016 18:06

Something else: you know how she said she needs a week to get over the upset you supposedly caused her before? Should you be rash enough to let them come, the drunkeness/bad behaviour would probably be "all your fault" too ... because you'd stressed her out, you see. A complete load of nonsense of course, but since when did that stop her?

As PPs have said, make the call, get it over with and get back to enjoying that hug Smile

Original poster
kingvardos · 14/06/2016 18:11

Oh she's v good at that. The guilt trips. I'm dreading the call as I want to say she's not welcome then get the sobbing etc.

If she does end up coming and ruining it, I don't mind tipsy God it's a wedding! I mean batshit hysterics about her failed marriage to my dad who will be there. If so she's cut out of my life but she can still call the kids. (She wouldn't visit )

OP posts:
Baconyum · 14/06/2016 18:21

How old are the dc?

Toxic/addict parents are very good at laying on the guilt - shame they never feel any themselves!

Dozer · 14/06/2016 18:25

Argh, I thought you'd firmly decided she couldn't come?

If you'll get histrionics don't call her: write or email her.

She will not pass your tests. Al anon might say that trying to control her (setting expectations about the wedding) is unwise: all you can do is set your own boundaries, eg by not inviting her or getting security for your wedding to escort her out if need be. It'd be unfair of you to expect friends or family to do that.

Dozer · 14/06/2016 18:26

And why the fuck would you let your DC have unsupervised phone calls with a toxic alcoholic who would likely be angry with you? How could that possibly benefit the DC?

(I say this as the grandchild of toxic people - contact was limited and strictly supervised, which was good).