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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone up? DH is leaving me

976 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:01

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

OP posts:
NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 11/06/2016 02:07

I'm so sorry OP Flowers How awful.

Your feelings are normal but you deserve better. So much better. Your kids do, too.

Are there friends or other family you can reach out to for support?

GraysAnalogy · 11/06/2016 02:07

I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. This is awful.

You don't need someone who has been looking elsewhere, you deserve better than that. I know that's no help for you now but it's true.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:13

I have a few very supportive friends irl but just not at 2am Sad

He's been sad/angry for a while. I knew something was up but, as I suspected there was another woman I was to frightened to confront him. I had no proof.
He said he fell out of love with me over a long period (yrs) and still wasn't contemplating leaving till he suddenly developed feelings for her and she felt the same.
She split with her DH (no kids) last weekend apparently.

OP posts:
Inkanta · 11/06/2016 02:16

Yes I can imagine you feel bloody awful - you poor love.

Hang in there - you will get through this.

If it was me I'd pay the other woman a visit.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 11/06/2016 02:18

I can only imagine Sad what a shitty thing to happen.

Has he seen your children since?

GraysAnalogy · 11/06/2016 02:19

Oh well they're both bloody rotters Angry

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:20

Oh god! Help me step away from Facebook.
She's a friend. Was. Not someone I see every day or anything but regularly within a group, and I liked her.
Our group has a fb group. I want to tell them all what total cunts they both are.
I won't.
But I'm fantasising.

OP posts:
backinyerbox · 11/06/2016 02:21

Hi OP. Flowers So sorry you're going through this too. My DH told me a few hours ago by text that I should leave. We've three DC (9, 6 and 4). Suspect there's an OW but I think basically he doesn't like me anymore.
We will get through this, keep our heads held high. I am going to stay calm and hold it together and smile for my children. We deserve better than this. We WILL be just fine, eventually.

2nds · 11/06/2016 02:24

Have you just found out tonight who she is?

GraysAnalogy · 11/06/2016 02:24

I don't think I'd be able to help myself, you're a strong person OP and you're going to get through this. Fuck him and fuck her. It'll all come out and people will soon find out anyway.

The thing is they won't even last, people rarely do under these circumstances. So he's thrown away a lovely wife and his home life with his children for a quick fling.

It's not yet time to, but save everything he sends you any texts etc. I know you probably don't want to think of things like this right now but you may need as much info as possible if this ends in divorce and custody things. Just a heads up

Inkanta · 11/06/2016 02:25

Well you can say whatever you like to them.

It's your marriage and your family and you have a right to speak up ...

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:25

We're still in the same house for the foreseeable.
We've been acting as normally as possible for the DC. Even had to visit my best friend and her family for a weekend after his initial bombshell. I thought he was giving me a chance to mend things . Not that I knew what I'd specifically done as he couldn't say.
He's known it was over (though kept me hanging out of some sort of attempt at being nice to me Hmm
But insists he only decided definitely tonight.

OP posts:
NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 11/06/2016 02:27

What a prize twat.

He should be ashamed.

Baconyum · 11/06/2016 02:27

Been there got the t shirt etc.

It will be obvious to others in the group what happened, that doesn't mean they'll necessarily side with you.

Find YOUR anger - it will help. Sleeo and eat/nourish however whenever you can.

Get your financial stuff sorted.

The 'I've been falling out of love for years' is bullshit - part of the script. It's so he can con himself he's not a cheating piece of shit who abandoned a wife and 2 kids (he is!)

Vent here, lean on friends you can trust NOT mutual friends.

Flowers
Baconyum · 11/06/2016 02:30

Why is he still there if miss wondervag has split from her husband?

Inkanta · 11/06/2016 02:31

You will be feeling very vulnerable and hurt right now.

I hope you do find your strength and anger ...

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:31

There thing (no sex yet supposedly) started in March.
She was in my house in April. Hugged me. Spoke to my kids. Let me feed her and all the time they had these feelings.
I don't recognise my DH in this at all.
I've been quite ill for a fair period a few times in our marriage and he was wonderful. Essentially a single parent.
The last few months he's been a shitty, shouty dad and withdrawn from me and our admittedly boring life.

OP posts:
EveryoneElsie · 11/06/2016 02:33

So sorry to hear this, sending hugs Flowers

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:33

*their
Fuck he's ruined my grammer/spelling too!!!

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 11/06/2016 02:35

You don't leave your wife for another woman if there's been no sex involved, sorry OP I hope that doesn't upset you but I just can't believe what a lying manipulative arsehole hes being.

I bet your life isn't boring, it's probably like most families lives, it's not all nights out on the tiles and holidays, but people work at nurturing their families and having discussions if they're not happy with a view to improve. He didn't do that, and it's because there wasn't anything wrong - he's just making that up to justify what he's done. He's got infatuated with someone else and is now manipulating the situation so it's woe is me, I was unhappy, blah blah

She let you feed her and spoke to your kids?! The horrible horrible woman.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:35

He is ashamed. He is distraught. But not about me.
He actually left the room crying about missing my mum.

We have a spare room. I e told him to find somewhere and get it sorted asap so we can tell DC.

He says he needs time si he can do it without breaking down.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 11/06/2016 02:36

Saying that I don't know why I'm surprised, the woman who took my little brother on holiday with her son turned out to be shagging my dad so I know how low people can stoop.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:37

Tell the DC that is.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 11/06/2016 02:38

x posts.

I couldn't be doing with that. He's crying?! Tell him to go and cry elsewhere

fourquenelles · 11/06/2016 02:40

Ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships OP. There are some wonderful supportive people there who will hold your hand and help you through. Many have been where you are now and have come out the other side and will have advice to help you cope.