Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

I personally don't see any hurry to tell the kids if they are only 5 and 6.

I've not been a good wife.
My illness made me exhausted and, even when I recovered, I was so wary of relapse I didn't pull my weight. At all.
But... He never tried to understand my condition. It's ongoing but controlled atm
He'd moan at me to go to bed if I stayed up past 9pm, then assume I was sleeping too much in the day when insomnia woke me at 3am.

It is horrific, having gone through something similar just under a year ago. Be very very kind to yourself. I read lots of threads on MN of people who had gone through it, you have just joined an enormous club, not of your own choosing, but a club made up of some amazing, strong women. There are so so many people on here, and in real life too, who will support you. It will be horrible for a long time but you will survive and it does get better (I know that is hard to believe).

Being ill and not being able to do things because of it, and because of the worry of relapse, doesn't mean you've been a bad wife.

Even if you had it doesn't excuse what he's done. A normal, moral person would try to talk to you about it and suggest how things can change.

This isn't your fault, don't ever think that.

If it was just a case of him being unhappy he would have left, he wouldn't have needed to wait until he could jump to someone else

Oh you poor thing. I don't have anything helpful to add. I can imagine there's so much going on in you head and your heart.

Through all that though, remember that any man who leaves their partner to bring up their children is a total twat. A selfish, weak twat. You, however, will come through this stronger, more confident, and with both feet firmly on the moral high ground. It isn't much use right now I'm sure, but pleases keep it in your back pocket and check it when you need a boost.

Good luck through all this. And tell him to pull himself together and behave at least with a shred of decency towards you and the children. The twat.

I'm not in a hurry to tell them ink but I do know that I need him to leave so I can begin to start my future without him.
We met when I was 21. I watched him get out of a cab when I was at the window of a pub. I nudged my friend and said "ooh! He's lovely" and she knew him. I loved him from that moment I think.
I'm 41 now. He's been my whole world.

I know.

He's not asleep either. I can hear him moving around downstairs.

I'm not sure I want this hanging around. To move it to relationships I mean. I posted here for traffic but deliberately didn't post in relationships as I want it to go poof!
Said a couple of things already which could out me.
Looks like there's a few of you at least who've been in my shoes or are backin

Don't hang around Facebook. Get stuck in quick to something you like doing for yourself. If London, find a class any thing you like to do. join something, maybe a church, A really lively one.Glad you are on here, You must be in such pain. Drag him straight onto a marriage course. He owes you that. Dinner once a week, because whether you split or not you need spiritual, wise peaceful input. Peer support, other friends who guide him to find some grit and hang on in there and make it work with you also help.

Why does he need time, he's had years. Personally I'd pack his bags for him over the next few days.

Hmmm does he need time because your daughter's birthday is coming up and he doesn't want to leave looking like a cheating rat bag that he is before her birthday?

I've lost a ton of weight (4st 1lb as of this am) since the new year. I've taken a career break (which he agreed to and means I'm not earning ) I'm here for my DC, able to do all drop offs and pick ups letting him avoid a rush hour commute. But he's resentful of it.
Of me.
He mentioned this at our first chat. I said there was a few grand in the bank which we were saving for fees when out house sold (on the market for months) but he could take some of it and blow it on a mid life crisis (he turned 40 last year)

I suggested his timing was shit. And was that the reason he wanted to buy her bike a fortnight ago.
He gets to look like the big man. I bought her a sylvanian family house and loads of bits from a fb selling page. Months ago. As I knew money would be tight with my wage missing.
He took off when I suggested that would be the way from now on. He seems to think nothing will change financially despite the fact he'll have a mortgage and rent to pay,

Your marriage is in crisis. It may be over, but on the other hand some marriages can survive this, particularly if there is a strong loving foundation.

It's good that things are out in the open now and reality has struck.

It's good to know what you're dealing with. It may still be an infatuation and not true love. I would find out and see the woman.

Although he gave me a shadow of hope right up till before he left to go out tonight, he's adamant that this is it.

I asked on Wednesday if she'd given him an ultimatum since she left he'd DH first. Tonight I asked if he'd given her an ultimatum and he said no. I said was it a case of I will if you will and he said yes. Her marriage was having trouble for a while (he'd told me a few months ago they'd met for coffee as she was having difficulties - this was when I started to believe my suspicions - and they'd chatted in the car when he gave her a lift after a group thing that I couldn't go to). I asked him about this directly as I'd found an odd thing in the car that smelled of perfume the next day. I didn't know it was her scent but it was an appropriate scent iykwim.

He denies he wanted me to find out but no one is that stupid. Are they?

I'm so sorry, this sounds like a terrible situation. I think it would be a good idea to move this to Relationships where you will get plenty of support and practical advice.
You husband and 'friend' have treated you terribly and he's prolonging the agony by still dithering and making you play the 'pick me' dance.

I can't close my eyes because all I can see is them together. Planning. Creating their own little army against the world who won't understand their love.
I want to rip off his nads and stuff them down her throat!!!!!

I'm playing the 'pick me' dance.

My kids deserve a dad.

He said a couple of days ago he doesn't want to be a part time dad but I pointed out his decision could make us both part time parents.

I guess that's what I am now too

He knows I use mn. Pretty sure he doesn't know my username but if he was on snooping now he'd know this was about us.

He's not though. If he's not asleep he'll be texting her I suppose.

Does that mean I should just report and get it moved? I doubt he'd care.

He has been insistent I get support. Presumably so he can walk away a little less guilty.

I need to try and sleep. Ds is an early riser and they've a full on social calendar all weekend.

I suggested counselling before he was definite. He has said he'll go with me still if I want but he'll be going with the intention of helping through the split not reconciliation.

I guess I'm ninjaing my own thread

I'm going to try to get a couple of hours.

Thanks to all those who replied so far. I may ask to move this tomorrow.

You poor thing.
I'm another that has been through exactly this - as Horopu said earlier in the thread, there's a fair few of us on here - you're not alone.

I went on FB and named & shamed the OW on a huge group that we were both part of - I was vilified by a few & supported by loads, I'm glad I did it tbh as it gave me an outlet for my rage.

Just remember, there's no shame for you to bear, he's made a shitty, greedy, selfish choice and the shame is all on him.

It's totally normal to do the 'pick me dance' too, but at least you can recognise it and try not to.
The first few days are the absolute worst, you're raw & in disbelief, but it does get easier I promise.
I'm nearly 11 months on from the discovery of my husband's affair and our separation and I'm doing ok now.

Just take one day at a time - someone said to me to allow a month for every year together (we were married for 15 years, and tbh I think by the 15 month point I'll be just fine).

Lots of love to you xx

Get some sleep lovely I know that this is of no help to you right now but this is not your fault.

It's over. This is not because of your illness or being a good wife, it's his choice and he's making it. And at some point the time will heal it and you'll look back and realise how strong you were.

Nows the time to put you first, focus on you and getting your life back on track.