Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

God almighty. If he ever gets ill I wonder how much sympathy he'd expect? What a twat!
At the very least all of his posturing must make you think what a totally different person he is to the one you married.and you wouldn't marry someone like that again,so emotionally maybe it makes it easier to detach?

I have been labelled as grabby by ex as well-basically ive asked for half his pension, a slightly higher than csa stated amount of monthly global maintenance (because he took 45 k of equity out of our house-we extended the mortgage for him to do it so he could buy his flat-and that pushed my mortgage payments up), and a third of his savings (which he gets from his bonus yearly anyway so it's not even like he's had to scrimp and save for it-he will get the same and more every year unless there is some sort of glial financial Armageddon worse than the last one-and his industry is pretty recession proof it seems). It goes against my personality totally to ask for even that much. But as you say you have to batten the nice side of yourself down and think about your future and the kids.its a one time thing and you have to get it right as there isn't any going back on it. I hate it all actually.I just want it sorted but I don't see it happening any time soon.

Hoping for good news at 9.30!

He told me he didn't recognise me anymore. That I've changed and the person he knew wouldn't be acting like this!
His grasp of basic physics is scary. Does he not know cause and effect?
He's right. I have changed. I've fucking had to! He flipped my world upside down and, what? He thought I'd just go along with whatever he said, like I always did? Bugger that!
I need to stand up for myself and my DC.
He didn't seem to grasp that either.
I tried to explain that looking after me is about looking after them but, no. That's not good parenting apparently. That's another sign of my entitled, selfish, not thinking about the DC.

i think he hates that I've become stronger while he will see himself as on the back foot.
I'm sure if he'd known leaving the house would weaken him, he'd still be here in the spare room, putting the DC first

He will deuces to see that because to do so would be to have to acknowledge what a self absorbed entitled individual he has become.
And it will have come as a surprise to him that you are challenging him and fighting for what's fair for you and the kids.
People as selfish as this rarely take it well when things don't go as they planned.
It doesn't really matter what he things of you or what he calls you (although it still hurts i know). He can say want ever he wants-doesn't mean he will get things his way.

Refuse to see that-sorry-phone!

And he's concerned he'll have no deposit for a mortgage. Boo hoo. He'll have to wait a year to get back on the ladder.
I suggested that since she'll be going through a less complicated separation (no DC) presumably she'll have a big enough deposit for both of them.
Never mind he has a 50k a year job and is only going to be spending 8k on his DC now and nothing on his money grabbing ex wife.
I think he'll be able to save up a pretty decent deposit pretty quickly.
I'm sure if he sobbed to his parents they'd lend him the cash till he gets a bloody mortgage.
I'm supposed to feel sorry for him that he's in rented? Why?
Apparently I could do that too. Because our positions are the same? I don't think so.
His proficiency at projecting his feelings into me is astounding. I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings. I should think and feel what he does.
I'm beginning to see he's not as detached from me as I am from him.

I think its unlikely he will get every weekend Bonnet - i've only seen this happen when there has been a distance in houses between mum and dad. every other weekend and an overnight midweek is usually the norm for the non resident parent.

have you filled in your own childcare proposal? you can download a parenting plan template from the web - CAFCASS do a good one.

Due to the ages of the children you may have a good case to prevent midweek overnights, depends on how much he pushes for it. Its a good idea to cover what happens on b'h weekends and school holidays and xmas. Usual is that the non resident parent gets 2 full weeks of school holidays and alternate xmas's.

I don't think you are being unreasonable Bonnet. Remember that childcare routines need to change over time, depending on the childrens ages and you and your exh's routines / jobs etc. it's likely that what ius agreed now won't stay the same for long. The more amicable a divorce the better in this respect - it's tiring having to negotiate / fight out new routines.

As far as him not getting a mortgage, its unlikely he will get one as his name will still be on yours - but like you say, his new dp sounds like she'll be ok and have a clean break split and be able to buy something. He is not going to be homeless! (he needs to man up and stop feeling hard done by). Beware that he may possibly re-marry quickly to gain some security with new dp!

His name won't be on my mortgage. He's signing over the equity to me. I won't have a mortgage. The house I'm offering on is less than £100k.

He has a bee in his bonnet about everything being 50/50. So even when I said I'd potentially leave his pension alone he still wanted to split it. I'm not sure he realised he could be sabotaging himself if his pot is bigger than his half of the equity. I said that any date for paying back would have to work both ways. So I'll get a mortgage to pay him or he has to pay me by the same date.
For a seemingly intelligent man he appears not to be looking at this from every angle. I'm sure his solicitor will have a few words to say about the things he's agreed to.
But if he goes back on any of it now I will let rip with the messages and emails I've seen.

I want my DC to see their dad. But I don't want them around this person. He's not their dad. Or if he is its all an act and that's not good for their mental health is it. Kids pick up on this stuff. It might be a contributing factor in ds's anxiety issues. (I have culpability there because I'm anxious)

It's quite likely been a blow to his ego that you haven't crumbled completely and don't appear to need him as much as he thought you did. Good.

On him not getting a mortgage for a year.again.he made his choices. What did he expect? He's got what he wanted with the ow. Surely he should be happy with that? Can't have your cake and eat it all the time-it's a hard lesson for some people to learn.

Ahh I see - even less reason for him to be moaning then.

Its very unlikely he will get 50/50 of everything in your circs and not dc as young as yours. Its a starting point for courts - realistic is more like 60/40 or even 70/30.

He is not the man you knew anymore and its likely that he is all over the place at the moment. All you can do is hope things settle and that he goes back to being a decent father again. Welcome to the word of divorce Bonnet. Its tough losing the 'control' and trying to parent with someone you don't know, maybe even don't like (hate in your case right now) anymore. It only gets harder as the years go by.

I am 4 years post separation (2 years divorced) and I still have moments when I find it tough and worrying. When you are married to someone to 'know' how good a parent they are (or think they are). But when you separate and as the years go by, you just don't know as much - plus you are naturally more critical / judgemental of an ex than a current partner. Its hard to be objective sometimes and let go.

I've had my verbal offer accepted!
Now just need the mofo to get his finger out and sign on the dotted line so I can formalise it.

Wise decision to not let him know you can see his emails.
When you think about it it's the equivalent to hiring your own private detective...which my ex thought I had done.
He didn't realise it was his own stupidity and crass carelessness.

Hope today went well.

Cross posted. Well done. Love the way you're fighting back.
It took my big shot ex by surprise too when I found my muscle.

I remember him pathetically bleating something about me being much cleverer than he was.

Yes I was and I intended to use it. Did he think I was going to take pity on him after he fucked me over for ten months denying the presence of an ow

Grrrr...

I still struggle with the slep thing. Got 6 hours last night then managed another hour only by taking some valerian and st johns wort . Sleepy though!

Great news on the offer being accepted!

OP, I've pm'd you.

Really glad you got your offer accepted! Well done!

Well done ! It does sound like he has proverbially shot himself in the foot !
Please go & get a great new hair cut/colour. Get yourself looking & feeling great. It will really piss him off !

Congratulations Bonnet. Really exciting for happy home for you and DC.

He is really a piece of work isn't he. It's such a script when you've seen a few of these on Mumsnet.

It's clear that the cool, calm approach gets to him more than upset so I would keep doing the distance.

Just in terms of DS anxiety. My friend's son suffered for about two years after her PN depression following daughters birth. Was really awful. She started doing small confidence boosters. Started with silly things like jumping off walls together, trying new food together, then went on to climbing frames and big swings etc. It was just these having mutual confidence in each other my falling apart thing.

It was little things over two years but his confidence grew back. His anxiety stemmed from the fact mammy was fine and then she wasn't, so the two building confidence together worked well for both.

rowan I love, love , love that idea
And I will try my hardest to remain cool and calm. This is very difficult for me.
Got your pm matts and take it under advisement, thank you.

Think we ironed out the wrinkles of the financial agreement but he had his first solicitors appointment tomorrow, so I guess we'll see. I think he's agreed to things which could be seen to be screwing him but if he dies to go back on things I will withdraw from our house sale and he knows that. And I know he doesn't want to be paying this mortgage for the next 3+years. He wants rid of me as much as I want rid of him and this house is a noose around his neck.

He wants to start at the custody stuff but I'm ignoring as much as I can.
I'll start dealing with that when we've got this part signed off.
Then he won't be able to beat me with a big money stick.

Nearing 1000 posts
Do I actually need to start a second thread?
Does that make me royalty yet?

Oh Christ, I hope you know what you're doing.....😨

What do you mean vanilla?

Ploughing ahead before your divorce and financial settlement is finalised....

I think that's what she's trying to do though? Get the finances sorted?

New thread soon yes-call it something optimistic.because you've every right to be. Look how much stronger you sound now than you did at the beginning.see how you've now got a plan.you've done great.its not over yet-we all know it.But you can do this onit.

I can't sit still vanilla
The financial settlement is basically agreed just not legally signed.
He will sign it, I'm certain of it. For the reasons I've stated. And because he has "principles" (hahaha)

I'll give some thought to the name of a new thread.