Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Please don't trust him to do the right thing. He has been having an affair. You need to make him leave asap. You need to claim everything you need as a single parent - do it now, see a solicitor and take care of number one. Do not discuss your plans with him - it is nothing to do with him any more and he is no longer party to your decisions.

And I am sorry to say you need sti testing too. Time to find your anger and get tough. His tears are no longer your problem. He caused all this - now he has to face the consequences and if it means sleeping on a friend's sofa or in a damp bedsit and only seeing DC at McDonald's then tough luck. Oh and once he has left doorstep handovers only. No exceptions. And tell trusted friends and lean on them for support - you need them. He is no longer your go to person and cannot be trusted about anything any more.

ledkr you made me lol!!

Just had an email that his Father's Day present is being delivered today I have to go out with dd on Monday to get her party dress and buy a fucking card for the shithead.
Her party is Saturday.

Ive started to find strength through all the shitty things he's done recently.
Ds was in hospital last weekend. Got admitted for iv ab's on Friday and discharged Sunday. DH went to squash as usual on Sunday afternoon. Except he didn't. He went to her.

Agree with clarrp.

Also agree that you should encourage him to leave ASAP, preferably this weekend. If the OW has told her husband too, it's time the pair of them found new accommodation. She will look a LOT less appealing once theyre living out of suitcases and in each other's faces, amongst all the guilt/hassle/stress/upheaval. Silly bitch.

Just be ice-cold and calm about it. Use his own words and wishes against him. He wants to leave? Then he LEAVES. He doesn't happily get to peruse the rental agencies at a leisurely pace, with you waiting on him at home, asking how he got on. FUCK THAT SHIT. Get the suitcases and bin liners out and start his packing for him.

I realise that sounds terrifying, but it's not. You are helping him achieve his desires, you are helping him follow his happiness. Push him out of the door. Selfish walker.

What a dickwad. All strength to you OP

I've got this t-shirt too, btw. And as soon as he left, it was HEAVEN. My life quickly became wonderful, and "all mine" again. I look back on those single-parenting years really fondly. You have lovely moments ahead of you. I know you can't quite expect that yet, but you really do.

You need to tell him to move out love. He doesn't get to treat the place like a hotel - off for a shag and then back for dinner with the family.

He needs to pack his bags and fuck off.

Agree with Whatsgoing - I'd get the suitcases out and when he strolls back in, tell him that he needs to be out. Point out that there's no reason for him to stay if the OW has ended her marriage as well and that it would be extremely inappropriate for him to stay in the family home whilst pursuing a relationship with her.

Actually, if you know the DH of the OW perhaps you could contact him to establish just how long this might have been going on? United, you'll both be stronger against any financial shenanigans they might try to pull on the both of you. Would have added bonus of probably scaring them a bit too

I agreed to waiting to tell DC as ds has been suffering with anxiety regarding school drop offs. School finishes in a couple of weeks and he wants to wait till then. That might be a good time to tell but otoh they're oblivious and I want to protect them from this.
Dd will be ok I think but ds is a sensitive wee thing. It's possible he's picked up on dh's mood as he's not been super dad for months now. And ds is so like me. Our personalities are so similar.
During one chat DH actually said he blamed me for ds's issues. He took it back later but he reacted to my angry thoughts about him and ow.
I've mostly been in bits during our conversations when DC not around but one night (Thursday) I was angry and said some not nice things but he was very defensive.

You cannot live with him for another 2 weeks - that is terrible. Just get him gone - tell the DC later, but get rid of him immediately. It is like ripping a plaster off. Him hanging round like a bad smell blaming you for his own choices is just vile and soul destroying. How bloody dare he.

Do you have to sell the house? Why? Would staying there actually suit you and the DC better, at least in the short term?

Your first point of call MUST be a solicitor. You're entitled to more than you realise -- including staying in the house till the DC are 18. Fuckchops might have to wait to get his hands on his £50k. Boo bloody hoo.

Your family has changed; your family is now you and the DC. Think what's best for you now. Your DH is unequivocally thinking of only what is best for him.

The only way I'd go see this OW is if I found out where she was currently staying and I'd dump his stuff on her doorstep.

I think you should maybe stop seeing the mutual friends if she's always going to be in that group tbh that's what I would do, and it's not because I wouldn't want to face her, it's because I would want to move on with my life and leave all the deadwood behind.

Definitely get legal advice ASAP. When you said he went straight to the OW when your son had been in hospital that made my blood boil, he can't even stop thinking of himself and his penis when his own son is sick. How low can that man stoop?

I agree with Clarrp and so would anybody else who has bothered to read the thread because, if OP wanted this to go 'poof' and that was the reason she didn't post in relationships, why the hell would she post all about it on facebook for the emotional vampires who have absolutely sod all investment in her wellbeing? She wouldn't.

You can't un-ring these bells and OP is presumably thinking of her children and the impact on them. I wish more people would do that instead of letting their anger direct them to publicly demeaning themselves.

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onitlikeacarbonnet, I'm so sorry that this is happening, you sound very shocked. I think your RL friends will be very happy to support you; you've already said that they're a supportive bunch so please do give them this opportunity to do that. Rail and rant at them about your husband and his OW and start getting it out of your system.

One thing you can count on is that your husband a) is not necessarily going to be telling you the truth at any point now, he has form for lying because he's been lying to you to get to this point and b) he is not looking out for your best interests and never will again.

As far as your life now is concerned, please don't keep doing the pick-me dance, I know it's so, so easy to fall into that but all it will do is make you feel rubbish (when you are not). Look at your husband with different eyes now, he is not your friend and he is not part of your routine anymore. Whilst he's at home, no more cooking or cleaning for him, just do for your children as usual - not him. When he leaves, he can take the children out, he doesn't need to come into your space and you shouldn't let him. He's utterly deceitful and disgusting and that's what you must remember, his loyalty is not with you any longer.

By the way, you will NEVER be a part time parent, whatever your husband ultimately decides HE is going to be. Best wishes to you; there are posters in relationships who post elsewhere too so I'm sure they will be along with the always helpful 'getting ducks in a row' advice.

Jesus. Get him the fuck out of your house.

I know you must feel like you should do it this way for the kids sake, but in some situations, you do get to trump your kids needs with what's best for you. Him being there is going to fuck with your head. It's not easy to be a good mum when your head is fucked.

My ex insisted on staying after we split for the sake of the kids. After a month, my head was a mess and i had to insist he left. It got much easier after that.

Waiting until the end of term isn't w good idea. He needs to go asap.

He couldn't care less about your feelings, and is using the children as an excuse. He has already switched off from you emotionally but now that crucnch time is here he wants to make himself look as good as possible and by loitering for a bit longer he is putting off the time when he does go. He knows that his parents and other family and friends will not think we'll of him for having an affair and leaving you but he is a coward and isn't making that final leap because of what other people will say.

He isnt crying over you or your children. He is a big lump crying over the only person that matters to him -himself.

Get rid of this big baby before he causes any more hurt and distress.

I do not advise confiding in the other woman's husband because it's possible that in the future they could patch things up. Steer clear of anyone involved with these two.

I would be concerned about proceeding with the sale of the home until you have had legal advice.

Oh yeh the tears sounds all to familiar, don't fall for it, stay strong, what a Pratt !! Manipulative and contriving .
Op stay off Facebook , do not to true yourself ok, been there.
I have been in the same situation , here for you x

You need to get to a solicitor on Monday morning, rip the plaster off quickly. It gets worse not better by delaying things, the other women gets her claws in and other people will advise him. The man you know that loves you and the kids has gone forever. Seriously the longer this goes in the nastier it gets, divorce him quickly and do not leave/sell the house. If you can get your share of the money out the bank do it today.

Well said Pisssssoff, brilliant advice

for you OP and for all of you that are going through (or have been through) similar.

One the the key things to do is to protect yourself financially asap. Get copies of everything and get some legal advice (free half hour most places). Even people who seem like they will be reasonable can get very mean and nasty about money when there's a split. You would think they would just want to make sure their children are well provided for with a nice home and a fair share of income, but they stop thinking that way very quickly when they realise they will have less disposable income to spend on their selfish selves.

You need to get legal advice Op. He might have to wait for his £££ till your kids reach 18

I would strongly suggest you get some legal advice promptly. What I found was that things seemed OK during then"going to split but still in the same house" bit but he really changed his tone when I told him to leave.

Ps. Forgot to add - huge sympathies! And whilst I wouldn't recommend spreading this all over social media, I would urge you to tell as many friends etc as you wish in real life, you deserve to be able to rally people round to look after you

I have been there, its awful. I couldn't stop replaying conversations and thinking about what had been said or done. My ExH said one day he was miserable with life and didn't love me anymore so I asked him to leave, Ive never regretted that decision as I knew I, and my DD, deserved much better. We had been together since we were 16 and I had just turned 30. He swore there wasn't an OW but of course there was.

It was a terrible time and I hated every minute of it. But I bought my own house, got a promotion in work and a couple of years later met a wonderful man and we have a baby together. He is still with the OW and we are civil for the sake of my DD. I can genuinely say that now the only feelings I have towards him are mild irritation he means absolutely nothing more to me and that's the way I like it.

I found keeping a diary helped, I wrote and cried about it pretty much every night and I found it useful to pour out all of my emotions in a private way. I've still got it but I've never re read it in the six years since we split up, I guess I just don't need to. I'm a much stronger person now.

What utterly utterly terrible advice. Ranting on facebook will do NOTHING but humiliate the OP. Jesus. What is having a public meltdown going to do other than make the OP look childish and pathetic and unstable? You need to think before you give stupid advice.

Bollocks.

It doesn't matter what she does.
It's his shame, nor hers.

I found that the best thing to do was be completely honest.
When asked, I said "he's been having an affair" - that way there is nothing for people to gossip about or fill in the blanks.

When somebody said to me "you're coming across as really bitter" I said
"Good, cos I fucking am. It's exactly the look I was going for".

Op don't lose the relationship with his family - there's no need for that.
A friend of mine split from her husband 15 years ago (he was cheating) but she still loves his parents. She pops round for lunch at least once a week. The MIL broke her hip recently and friend was going to have her to stay for a while as their own house wasn't suitable.
You have a wonderful warm relationship with your children's grandparents - they won't want to lose that, either.