Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

I'm sure your mum was wonderful, but he sounds like he has issues with speaking or admitting to the real truth behind his feelings and emotions.

He's just ended his marraige, of course he's crying and he can't even bring himself to tell you how upset that has made him. Who is he trying to kid?

Okay, here's how it is, and I'm not being harsh, honestly.

It's over.

I know that is the shittest thing you could hear right now, but that's how it is. And the sooner you accept that the sooner you can ALL move on.

The simple thing is that he fell in love with someone else, and it happens. And honestly I can't imagine how difficult that is FOR ANY OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. It's a big shitty mess and clearly no one feels good about it right now.

Crying and begging and pleading aren't going to do anything except make this harder.

What you need to do is be practical about it. Have a cry and a rant about it - but not to him, and not to her and not to mutual friends.

Then you focus on what's important.

You WILL hold your head up and take this with dignity and grace and be civil about it all. You won't post ranty facebooks or embarrass yourself by creating a public trainwreck for the whole world to see.

If I were you I would make sure I was teh one to tell people that you were no longer together. Be very straightforward about it, you don't need to go into details. A casual 'we've split up' and 'just one of those things' is all anyone else needs to know. And the more you say that the less people will pry and also the more you will start to believe it.

But you need to be strong - both for yourself and for your kids.

x

I totally disagree with the previous poster. They deserve no sympathy for how 'hard it is' for them. Also if you want to rant on Facebook, do. He has no right to dictate who has the information that he has behaved in this awful way.
Do whatever makes YOU feel better, it's not about him.
As for whether it's really over, it probably is. But either way he needs to know in no uncertain terms that this is totally shit behaviour and you won't make it easy for him at your expense.
For your DC you may choose to do certain things but not for him. He lost the right to that consideration when he had an affair.

Again, probably not what you want to hear, but if there's even the tiniest chance of him coming back, the best thing is to encourage him to go. The more you beg and cry, he's got something to pull against, but find your pride and self respect, and tell him if that's how he feels, he has to leave. Take control, don't let him make the decisions, either way, you take control of your life

Sorry to hear it

I disagree slightly with Grays re the 'You don't leave your wife for another woman if there's been no sex involved,' thing. I think some adulterous pairings convince themselves they're being all noble by oh so kindly not DTD until they've left their OHs. But, meh, actual sex, anticipated sex, they're still bastards.

I totally disagree with the previous poster. They deserve no sympathy for how 'hard it is' for them. Also if you want to rant on Facebook, do.

What utterly utterly terrible advice. Ranting on facebook will do NOTHING but humiliate the OP. Jesus. What is having a public meltdown going to do other than make the OP look childish and pathetic and unstable? You need to think before you give stupid advice.

And yes, I do think these sort of situations are hard for all involved. Doesn't mean I'm saying oh, let's all take his side. What I am saying, if you bothered to read my whole post, is that it's a shitty situation for all involved. And it is. The guy fell in love with someone else and he feels bad about it and what it'll do to his family. Fair dues to him for admitting and accepting that - a lot of people don't give two shites about the effect that it will have on others. Do I think it's shitty of him? Well, yeah, but what can be done about it? Nothing. From what the OP said he didn't set out to cheat - he wasn't trawling dating sites or clubs - he developed feelings for a friend. That's unexpected and complicated and somehow makes the whole thing worse. For everyone.

But right now the very last thing the OP needs is to be encouraged to rant about it online where everyone she knows IRL can see - airing your dirty laundry is not classy.

Sorry to hear you are going through this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, I too have been there got the T shirt.

I also disagree with Clarrrp personally I couldn't give a shiny shit how "hard" it is for cheating, selfish liars as I have lived through the devastation this causes and the collateral damage in the wider family is enormous.

It will eventually sink in that it is over but in the mean time get some rl support and tell who the hell you like about what they've been up to. In the early days/weeks of this happening to me I even told complete strangers as I could hardly think about anything else.

One thing I really agree with is please don't do the pick me dance, let him go and find your anger, I missed mine when it finally went as it galvanised me into getting organised and gave me the energy to do what I needed to do.

As for the old it takes a month for every year you were together I found it took me much longer than that, I don't think you can put a time line on it it will take as long as it takes. I found talking to a counsellor really helpful when I no longer wanted to burden my friends and family too much or sensed that they felt I should be "over it".

Lastly being on here really helped me as there were always people about in the middle of the night to rant to or give me advice when I felt like I was
going out of my mind.

You'll get there but be kind to yourself

I also disagree with Clarrrp personally I couldn't give a shiny shit how "hard" it is for cheating, selfish liars as I have lived through the devastation this causes and the collateral damage in the wider family is enormous.

Look, I know it's not a popular opinion while everyone is on their angry stool, but personally, I think if I was in a relationship and I fell in love with someone else I would be in bits, it would be hard, and I think it would be for any one of us in that situation. That's all I'm saying. It's a bit different from advocating it though, isn't it?

I think you are going to get all sorts of advice and there is no wrong advice as such. Every situation is unique. I personally think it's good to have a very honest exchange of views with ALL those involved including the other woman. And there may be some emotion and there may be some shouting. Only then can know the reality of the situation and decide what to do.

You may decide it's over or you may decide to fight to keep your marriage and the family together, and that this woman cannot just swoop in without a fight. I don't think that keeping one's dignity is the primary goal here. It's nice to keep it - but there's bigger things going on and I don't see how you can can't bypass the anger stage if you're going to recover in a healthy way.

You may decide it's over or you may decide to fight to keep your marriage and the family together, and that this woman cannot just swoop in without a fight. I don't think that keeping one's dignity is the primary goal here. It's nice to keep it - but there's bigger things going on and I don't see how you can can't bypass the anger stage if you're going to recover in a healthy way.

Oh, she should get angry alright,. But use it constructively. And ranting like a madwoman and slagging them both off online is not the way to do that. Channeling that anger into something productive to move forward is the way to go.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Been there bought the t-shirt. You are me 18 months ago.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are stronger than you think, your dc will help you focus on the important things.
You can't change him or her - make sure you are covered financially & be good to yourself

I think he's having his cake and eating it at the moment. Pack his things and tell him to wallow in self pity somewhere else. I've been in the same situation myself, and kicking him out was the best thing that I ever did. I really feel for you and your DCs xx

But the OP doesn't need to be thinking about how upset her husband and OW are, she needs to concentrate on getting herself and her DC through this. It might be awful for them (or not) I don't care either way, they will have to live with the consequences of their actions and can get their own support if needed. This thread is for support for the op, when I was going through something similar it really helped me to know that friends and family were on my side and were not sitting on the fence.

I do agree with staying off FB however, it is very tempting, but ultimately will be something that the op may live to regret

No wise words atm, just hand holding and

Have you seen marriagebuilders.com ? The name is a bit misleading, it is more for couples dealing with infidelity whether the marriage is dissolving or being rebuilt. It is very helpful and explains about the fog and other things.

One thing that is helpful that marriage builders recommends is to tell the whole world and not keep it a secret.

1. it gives you access to support and
2. it makes it way less secret and fun for the cheating spouse if everyone knows. Some affairs don't look nearly so exciting once everyone and their mother knows what is going on.

Hugs to you op. Been there done that. It's such a shock, mine said exactly same put me through 2 weeks of thinking we could fix things before he finally left. His new relationship didn't last long and he's had a couple of more since then and now he's on his own again. I'm not sure if he regrets things or not, it was your typical mid-life crisis.
But it's hard in the beginning, gather your friends around you, you will find out who are the best ones that stick with you over the weeks and months to come. The ones that don't mind you crying down the phone at any hour of the day just so you can feel better and get things off your chest, and also they can be the voice of reason to you.
My dd was 6 when it happend and is 12 now. Relationship with EXH isn't great. But we are so much happier now living on our own, have our own little house, friends etc wouldn't change things and go back to how things were.
Take each day as it comes, be there for the dc.

I don't really have any wise words either OP but I just wanted to say how sorry I am this is happening to you.

I hope you got some sleep and that today is ok for you

You need to decide slowly if you want him back. He might move in with this new woman and find they don't get on when it comes to having to live closely together or he might find he misses his children too much or decide she's awful to live with. So don't rush into accepting you will part -people work these things through and stay together (not that mumsnet ever says that - they always say kick out the man immediately). I would go slow.

Also if you're not well is there a risk he (and his new woman) would get the children? I would see a solicitor as soon as possible for some initial legal advice. If you do part you will both have much less money and you might need to return to full time work which you were doing until recently anyway.

Hand to hold here. I was, many years ago, the 8yr old dd in a situation like this. Looking back, my mum acted with great dignity, and I respect her enormously for that.

Morning.
I've managed a couple of hours sleep. DC are up but entertaining themselves for a bit. I can hear them.

I've no actual intention of ranting on Facebook. And it's good to know I can anonymously do that here. I will ask to move to relationships. I see some names of pp on here who's advice I've read and realise that if this thread goes pop I'll lose that. I'm very grateful for everything being said.

I think we are stuck in the house together till he gets a place but that doesn't have to take very long. There's not much for rent round here but if he wants to stay close to DC he'll just have to take his chances. We're stuck because our house isn't selling. I'm going to insist he gets on to ea and drops the price to get sold.
He has committed to no financial changes till I go back to work in 6 months.
I've been on entitledto and have made rough guesses as to money and I feel more in control knowing I won't be destitute. But when I told him I would consider not going back to work for financial reasons he was adamant that I needed to go back. I'll be £16 a week better off in work. That's 2 days bus fare to/from work and I work 4 days. It's ridiculous but a no brainer surely unless I can find something local I can walk to. Unlikely, small town, small businesses. Currently employed in large retailer with 20+yr service.

I reminded him I'd planned to start retraining during my break. And he agreed to support me through that if I chose that since its been tacitly agreed upon months ago.

I'm done with the pick me dance. He thinks I'm weak. I'm not. I was. And let him steer for far too long. I was lazy about it. But I'm a capable person. I have skills. Before the DC I had a managerial position in my work. I went pt after ds and I stepped down after dd (probably could've had a grievance regarding the way I was treated on my return but it's water under the bridge now.
My earning potential has eroded in the last 5 years and my priority now is being here for DC. And if that means not working or changing job to something more child friendly, he can't influence me and can't make me work full time just to help him.

I've held it together for DC the last few weeks and I'll continue to do that.
I have friends close by who, when I told them on Thursday morning 6 am, met me at one friends house at lunchtime and 2 gave up their lunch hours to be with me. Even my friends husband gave up a paid shift to take his dd swimming so we could chat properly. And he gave me a hug too and told me I'm not alone in this. I have very good friends. I'll need them.

I am with clarrrp and wish I had been given that advice when I was in your position. Talk to him about how he plans to provide for you and DC until they are older. If he has got to the point where he has told you about her it sounds as if his mind is made up, and has been for some time. Scream and rant in private or on here, there are lots of us to listen. Personally, I turned into a ranting lunatic but had no DC to consider. You will not be a part-time parent, you will be the constant in their lives, and THEY will be your world, not him. He doesn't deserve to be. Their decisions to both leave their OHs is not the result of a cup of coffee and a chat in the car, he has been lying for some time now.

If your weight loss has not been because of ill health, well done. He has obviously been too distracted to see what a strong and focussed lady you really are. Hand holding 💐

X post, sorry. Good morning, and great to see your positive attitude this morning OP.

Have you seen a lawyer yet OP?

OP, there are a few posters here suggesting you might want to 'fight' for your marriage.

It's only worth fighting for if there are two of you in it. You can't fight for it alone, he's got to want that too, and he's told you loud and clear that he's out.

Sorry you're going through this shitty time, it's horrible but it gets easier. There's loads of advice over on Relationships, maybe have a look there.