Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Also, start collecting copies of documents ASAP (eg house, insurance, bank, payslips etc) and keeping them somewhere safe eg bank locker. It does sound like he's out and you shouldn't fight for someone who doesn't deserve it.

I guess there's a possibility I'll have a relapse in my health at some stage. He wont get the DC. I am healthier now than ever. I have used the first few months of this year and esp since finishing at work to start sorting that out. 4 stone down I am no longer morbidly obese I am not even obese I am overweight (just ) I do everything around the house which has taken time (and toll on ft DH)
On first discussion he said he felt he had no place here anymore. I pointed out that he'd actively withdrawn by going to his hobby up to 4 nights a week and, despite my being around facilitating his shorter time commute, he was still staying on at the office or working in the evening.
I also made him confess to meeting her in the day which meant he needed to do this extra work.

Ill do everything I can to buy a property rather than rent once we sell. There's a fair amount of equity (£100k) once it's done. Even with half that, maintenance and working benefits I should? be able to afford a small mortgage. I want to have something that's mine just for the security it'll give us.

I might not be able to run a car which will be a huge loss. I have a few far flung (mutual so maybe not as po said) friends who we'd struggle to see and this is a small town. DC have activities that aren't accessible by bus. I guess that's not important.

I've said I want him to go through the finances with me. I might even do that tonight.
He says no rush but I want to get my ducks in a row soon so he can fuck off and let me get on with it.

I would avoid discussing what you will and won't do - it's none of his business. So with regards to your work plans, he doesn't get to tell you what you need to do; he's now your Ex and he can mind his own beeswax.

He also doesn't get to announce that he's turning your world upside down and then 'needs time' to make arrangements. He's had all this time to think about it, so he can pack a bag and fuck off from under your feet. The sooner he is out of the house the sooner you can start to build a new normal for you and the DC.

I feel for you OP. I also doubt that this Love Story which has merited breaking up two marriages, has been celibate. So I would book an appointment at the GUM and get yourself checked. Then find yourself a good lawyer.

If you have a good friend (or one of their OH's) who is experienced in mechanical matters, then you could ask if they will go 2nd hand car shopping with you. If you stick to the little hatches which are reasonably basic, then they are cheap to run and insure and also pretty cheap to repair. (Remembers repairing own bumper after an accident - just me and a Haines manual!).

Good luck love. The shock and pain will feel horrific right now - I know it feels like a crater in your chest that hurts when you breathe - but I PROMISE you that it DOES get better. Really and honestly it does. A year from now you are going to be in a completely different set-up and you'll probably be surprised by how happy you are. For the moment just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Oh I'm so sorry op, the pain when this happens stabs so deeply it leaves a scar forever. The grass looks greener on the other side but it's extremely rare for a relationship that starts this way (sneaking around behind wife/husband's back) to be a truly healthy, happy and loving relationship. They simply don't survive. If your husband, who by the way very cruelly has kept you hanging on, does indeed get with this woman after leaving you (if he hasn't already) she will always, always be wondering at some point down the line "is he getting his head turned like with his first wife? Is he cheating on me too?" It's not much consolation, but she'll never be truly secure with a dishonest man like your husband.

I trust him enough to do the best he can for DC. He won't short change me. And if he helps me sort stuff now while he's still guilty as sin and sorry for me, I'll use it to my advantage.

I'll start telling our mutual friends, including our group (we're meeting next week but I'll not do it in person) I've fantasised already about showing up unannounced and her being there. Not got much further than that but open to suggestions for my amusement/release of anger.

He can tell his family.
I'm gutted about that loss. His parents are wonderful and his mum especially has been my mum too since dm passed away just after dd was born
I'm already grieving for the huge family Christmases we've hosted every year since we got married practically.
I hope the DC don't lose that GP relationship in all this.

Another one who's been there, survived and come out the other side happier than before. My ex announced 2 days before ds 2nd birthday that he was going, I hadn't got a clue, we were even trying for another baby. The best way of describing how I felt at the time was as if my life was all on a sheet of A4 paper and he had picked it up, ripped it into a thousand pieces and thrown it in the air. I have never felt so utterly lost, lonely, scared and heartbroken.

It took a long time to genuinely get over, odd things would get me - seeing families together at bonfire night, never beeing in photos with ds as I was always the one taking them (back in the day before phones/selfies!) ds making fathers day cards at school etc, but gradually we built our own little routines and there were lots of positives too. One of the best things I did early on was go to the jobcentre where they had someone who went through all the benefits stuff, and plugged in loads of different options (working hours etc) to see which would be the best option. Had I gone back f/t I would have ended up with about £30 a month more than I had by working 2 days a week - no brainer. Over the years I've changed job, moved house, and we are genuinely happy. And you will find out your true friends, those that will listen to you rant for hours, those that don't mind you calling late at night etc. Things will change, your life may not go the way you'd planned, but it is just a different path to follow. Look for the positives - for me they were no more listening to him snore, no more ironing his shirts, no more visiting the mil ...

Take it a day at a time, take photos of you and the kids to replace old family photos that may be up in your house. Take the time to get fresh air every day, make sure you are eating (I lost 2 stone in 6 weeks when he left). I discovered mn and the people here were amazing for support, good luck op you will be fine in time xx

Oh you poor thing. You must be devastated, but you sound like you are full of dignity and strength. You should feel good about that.

My exP did a similar thing. Said he didn't know if he loved me any more and asked me to go home to my parents for a few weeks to give us some space. I stupidly aged. He slept with someone else in our home then kept seeing her during the 6 months after I got back and we were trying to figure things out and make it work.

I stupidly hung around playing the pick me game, losing all dignity and convincing myself that I can't live without him. He kept stringing me along while still seeing her. Eventually I fell pregnant and the situation is now a total fuckstorm.

Well done you for not falling into that trap, it will make things so much easier for you. If you are sure he won't stop paying the mortgage, kick him out right now. I didn't still haven't because I am an idiot and also because I couldn't bear the idea of him moving in with her, but it's the best thing for everyone involved (by which I mean you and your dc - who gives a flying fuck what's best for him or OW?).

I sometimes worry that eventually someone on here is going to get annoyed with me being upset about the same shit over and over but in reality I've never experienced anything but unwavering support and helpful advice. It's a great place to be, with countless women who know exactly what you're going through, so keep posting. Hold your head high, maintain your dignity, accept that it is over and start planning for your future.

It's heartbreaking when this happens, and I know what you mean about him being your world. But in time you will build a new world with your lovely children, and suddenly the one you've known until now won't seem so special after all. Promise.

...so he can fuck off and let me get on with it

Attagirl!

Get him out. He's made his decision, let him live with it. And this whole 'poor me' thing he's doing is pathetic and unforgivable.

Stupidly agreed*. Not aged!

In my experience the best way for everyone involved to feel better and get on with their lives is to make the split as soon as possible and set up where to live immediately.

If he is still in your home acting like a martyr then it's like having a bad smell hanging around. It's over between you two. You had some good times/years and made two lovely children but now it's time for you say to move on.

Of course you are going to dwell on what might have been and to grieve over him and the relationship. I can promise you that the grief does pass.

The affair has been going on since march. You now know and please take comfort that you do know how and not years later.

Act with dignity, let them get on with it and remember that your children will be in their care and even if you hate them, keeping an even keel and being calm is best for your children.

You will feel much better if you are proactive. Your husband is weak. He wants to dilly dally around the house and that will only create more misery. Open your laptop, tablet or computer on the local settings page and present it to him telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to look at finding somewhere to live asap.

Work out what times he can see that children.

Getting everything sorted out and you being in control of things will help you immensely. You are not weak, you are strong and you will get through this and come out the other side with your head held high and able to find your own happiness. Which you will.

Get as much legal and practical help as you can and get him out of your home so you can all move onwards and upwards.

Local renting page

A cautionary note. He's been having an affair behind your back - it might not have been physical (although I doubt this) but it's certainly been emotional. He has been unfaithful and he has lied to you. So just be careful because that doesn't translate into doing the right thing for you and the DC and not short-changing you.

The Relationships board is littered with posters who have been in your situation and who were convinced that their Exes would be reasonable and fair, only to find themselves being fucked over financially further down the line. I'm not saying that he will definitely try and shaft you - just that you need to be cautious. You cannot trust him to do the right thing for you, which is why it's important that you seek legal advice.

I think you are being incredibly brave, from your posts it's clear you are a wonderful mum. It's his loss, not your's. I know there will be dark Times ahead, but hold your head high and lead on your friends, who sound great , by the way.

I'd be very impatient with someone who had been in a relationship with someone else for months, making up reasons why it's your fault the marriage has gone south, and when he finally tells you, then he decides he's very upset and can't bring himself to move out. Never mind his feelings, what about yours? He can find himself a bedsit, a cheap hotel or a spare room at a friend's house and do his crying there.

And don't be pressured into changing your work situation before you're ready. It was agreed beforehand. He has selfishly entered into a different situation but you haven't agreed to that. If he wants more money he'll have to earn it, or hope the OW will chip in.

He decided when he made the decision to allow feelings to develop i.e. spending enough time with the OW. I'm so sorry you are going through this, its unbelievable how many men do this to their loving wives. I feel your shock and your pain through your post, and I can't really say much to help or anything, just that it does get better, eventually, and nothing is ever temporary.
Some women have no shame - I (and most of the females I know) would never, EVER think to get close with a married man, because we as humans KNOW that feelings can develop through attraction and then development of feelings and a relationship. I just would never do that, it shows the kind of woman she is.

You are already the better woman

Stupid man . He has no idea what he has lost
Thinking of you OP . You can do this

Oh op, I'm so sorry

I can only strongly echo the telling him to fuck off out of it, like, now. He's playing you with these emotional outbursts.

He's been meeting her, and discussing the best way to leave you and the kids with as little disruption to him as possible, stop being played, pack his bags.

The chances that he hasn't been sleeping with her are very very slim, has he also been sleeping with you? I'm just thinking maybe you need a health check?

Find your anger, and let it fuel what you must do, be strong, you and the children will come through this.

When I found out my last ex was having an affair, he dragged it all on for a year. We even went on holiday with my daughter. It was the holiday from hell. I wanted to end it then and there but because he had eroded all of my self esteem I allowed myself to be kept dangling for a whole year whilst he acted like a martyr with the tears and the constant broken promises.

Because of this stress my irritable bowel worsened, my anxiety and OCD problems became even worse and I physically aged in my face as the stress took its toll.

It was only days after we split for good that my irritable bowel disappeared and has never occurred since!

When we split my feet felt like lead, my heart was heavy and my mind weighed down my all of the emotional damage, hurt and humiliation. However, from that day on each footstep taken away from him and forward into my own future has become lighter and lighter and my heart and mind freed from the anger, pain, turmoil and grief.

Only you can set yourself free op, don't mope around waiting for permission from that man, make your own destiny and choose to only have people in your life that love and cherish you. You can no longer trust him and he is not the same person you were once in love with.

I bet he is just a big lump of self pitying jelly at the moment! He has chosen to think only of himself. Now it's your turn.

The only role this man deserves from now on in your life is that of your children's father, no more no less.

I have the t shirt too.

I remember the utter agony of it all 14 years later.

However, quite quickly afterwards my life literally began again and I've had the most fantastic time.
It's vile at the time but for some it's not a bad thing and is an exciting opportunity to start again.
You are doing very well but I agree, get the fucker out of your house!
I chased mine down the garden path, I had no concern about where he went o just wanted his cheating arse out of my space.

HAHA Ledkr 'chased mine down the garden path' that tickled me. It's so empowering when you finally leave someone who has hurt you so badly. OP I hope you get the strength to put him OUT.

You don't have to lose his mum and family too OP. Chances are you will stay friends jf you are so fond of her and she of you.

So sorry about your situation. Personally I'd tell him to leave the family home asap. Don't drag it out. Get yourself something where you can socialise too and make new friends and possibly even love interests at some point
Good luck!

I admire your dignity throughout this OP.

Get your affairs in order now but do not allow his emotional bullshit to burden you. Yes he might feel guilty and think he is doing the right thing by you now but sticking around and crying is using you as an emotional cruch and you are not.

He is hardly riding into the sunset either! They will have alienated friends/family and there are children involved. Hardly a good basis to start a relationship and it will be hard for them! Let her put up with his emotional shit! The idea of being together will not be so fun when they start to live the reality!

i am glad you have decided not to do the "pick me" dance. In my mind it would be possible to find lost love again but to get over an affair would be impossible (although I know plenty of women can and do).

I like the idea of literally chasing him down the garden path Ledkr!

I think you should get in touch with DMIL if she's like a Mum to you. She will grieve the relationship too. Why shouldn't you have a relationship? Neither of you have done anything but wrong...

I also think using the mother to make him understand exactly what a shit he is, is always a good thing.

Other thank that I agree with those saying prepare. Get copies of paperwork you need financially. Be tempted to empty bank accounts in case he does.

Lots of love to you OP.