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Original poster

Anyone up? DH is leaving me

976 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:01

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

OP posts:
MangoMoon · 11/06/2016 10:15

airing your dirty laundry is not classy.

It's his dirty laundry, not hers.

Classy? Having an affair isn't classy. Leaving your wife & kids isn't classy.

53Dragon · 11/06/2016 10:16

I do think that posting on FB should be left until after the DCs have been told. Just in case someone accidentally says something in front of their own children.
But after that don't rant - keep it calm, controlled and dignified just as you have been on here - SO much more effective!

KittyKrap · 11/06/2016 10:17

Take control, get him out now. It's shit and you're going to be angry then begging then sad and all around the houses. But you can do this.

Your friends sound amazing Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/06/2016 10:18

Well, some women will put their dirty washing on facebook for all to see and rant there about it, I suppose. They're entitled to do that, yes of course they are. It won't stop people wondering why it was necessary to do that and were they not thinking of their children but so what, they don't matter, only the anger of a scorned and bitter woman matters. If you think that people won't still gossip about it then that's just naïve.

Telling everybody that your partner had an affair and the marriage is now over, that does the job just as effectively. Not filling in the blanks with information that people don't need to know - that's classy.

Fakebook is forever, you post it, that's your legacy.

FreeFromHarm · 11/06/2016 10:19

Twinkle , fantastic advice, Everything will seem much clearer on Monday when you have sought LA , we are here for you, DO NOT do the Facebook revenge , stay focused and you will be in a win win situation.

EveryoneElsie · 11/06/2016 10:19

Do you know how to change the locks? do that and leave his clothes out the front. He's taking the piss.

happypoobum · 11/06/2016 10:21

Please don't trust him to "do the right thing" financially, and do not agree anything with him until you have seen a solicitor.

Many will give 30 mins advice free, and you will feel far more in control once you have that knowledge. It is possible you will get more than 50% of the equity because of your need to house DC (assuming not 50/50 care) and your health issues and reduced earning capacity compared to his.

You need to imagine yourself 5 years from now, looking back and thinking yes, I am glad I didn't let him get away with that shit!

He is a pig. Your DD was in hospital and he was off with OW?

Shame on him. He is doing you a favour by fucking off.

blindsider · 11/06/2016 10:22

There is not a cat in hells chance it hasn't got physical, he is merely saying that to assuage his conscience. Kick him out, he doesn't 'get time' to adjust without breaking down the whiny sap.

smilingeyes11 · 11/06/2016 10:22

do not change the locks - that is the very last thing you should do and could land you in hot water.

2nds · 11/06/2016 10:24

OP
Would it be worth speaking to this other woman's husband, maybe he knows more than you do about what's been going on?

The wanting to wait for weeks to move out could be seen as emotional abuse. Don't agree to his suggestions any more it's not helping you or the kids. The children's anxiety might be helped if you two make a clean break and sort out access as soon as possible.
If he stays until the end of the school year this means he moves out sometime over the holidays then he might fuck off on holiday with this woman (who knows) and access etc might still be being discussed when the children go back to school therefore extending certain issues for longer than is necessary, afterall he doesn't seem in any rush to fix this nasty situation that he created. Put your foot down and get him out.

EveryoneElsie · 11/06/2016 10:25

Dont speak to her or her husband, the only people you should be speaking to are Womens Aid and a solicitor.

53Dragon · 11/06/2016 10:27

Great idea of twinkle1010 to write down your thoughts each day. You can be totally honest with yourself. My dp did this when he and his partner split after 24 years. Things had been bad for a while and he said they should work at their relationship or split. She said 'Fine let's split then' - screwed him financially (she was a Civil Servant and turned out she already had everything set up to benefit her as a single person). He couldn't believe she would just walk away - she wouldn't talk about it. So he shared his daily thoughts in a journal - right down to feeling suicidal in the depths of despair.
9 months later he met me. We were just friends for about 18 months but then started a relationship. We're in a state of warm fuzzy bliss - 2 old codgers acting like teenagers.
And guess what? She got in touch with him again - said they should never have split, she still loves him, wishes she could turn back the clock etc. But he says he's happier now than he's ever been. Her loss.

One day when he comes crawling back begging forgiveness you will realise that he wasn't the man you thought he was. Stay civil for the sake of your children but you will meet someone else and move on.

mummytime · 11/06/2016 10:29

Get a lawyer or at least legal advice. He probably isn't entitled to 1/2 the equity, because there will be some that comes to your for the children. The children's housing needs are a priority.

Read the relationship boards.
He may be offering to make sure the children are "okay" now - BUT the script says that he will go back on this, especially as SHE put pressure on him, and he realises how much things cost.
Get as much fixed while he is still feeling guilty.

Try to get him out asap, and once he moves out he doesn't come back for contact or babysitting etc.

(Do tell your children's schools).

Pisssssedofff · 11/06/2016 10:29

Try and see this as your circle of trust, who's in it ? Your friends and immediate family, pull up the drawbridge around you and these people. Everyone else, exdh, ow, her husband, gossipy neighbours, FB friends, they aren't on your side so they can fuck off

53Dragon · 11/06/2016 10:32

OP yes get professional advice re: your entitlement. If you have custody of the children more than 50% of the time then your 'housing need' is for a 3-bedroom property. His and the charming ow are a couple so theirs is for a one-bedroom home. As soon as they live together as a couple then their situation will be looked at as a whole and their joint income taken into account when assessing what he can afford to pay.

Pisssssedofff · 11/06/2016 10:34

That's not true, ow's income doesn't count .... Me and the kids lived in a hovel, whilst she paid for him to not work and live in a 5 bed detached with her and her kids and not pay me child support.

Tate15 · 11/06/2016 10:35

Pisssssedofff

You need to get to a solicitor on Monday morning, rip the plaster off quickly. It gets worse not better by delaying things, the other women gets her claws in and other people will advise him. The man you know that loves you and the kids has gone forever. Seriously the longer this goes in the nastier it gets, divorce him quickly and do not leave/sell the house. If you can get your share of the money out the bank do it today.

The best advice I have ever read on here. Op, copy and paste it and keep to read in times when you feel you may cave in to this man.

If I am in trouble again I hope I can find this poster to help me.

BustingOut · 11/06/2016 10:35

Certainly agree with the advice not to wait til kids off school, this will do more harm than good. There is no way you could keep up that pretence and if your child has been picking up things already then how much worse will it be during next fortnight?

Personally I would tell him to go now. He has been planning this all along why should you have to suffer anymore? He CHOSE to do this , you didn't force him in to it so now he can get on with it.

Inkanta · 11/06/2016 10:38

'Dont speak to her or her husband, the only people you should be speaking to are Womens Aid and a solicitor.'

I think it's a good idea to speak to the woman and rattle her cage. And the husband as well. Why not - feels appropriate to me.

The more this is out in the open the better. It also messes things up and bursts their little bubble.

blindsider · 11/06/2016 10:39

pissed off

I am sure joint income on occasions does become a factor.

mummymeister · 11/06/2016 10:44

who is calling all the shots at the moment? he is. he wants to leave, he is in pieces because of this and so on.

so stop this and take control because you know that you can do it.

get him out, today. get the suitcases out of the loft, give them to him to pack and tell him to go immediately. Why should you give a damn where he ends up tonight? when he has gone tell the kids what is happening. you have to be honest with them. they already know something is going on and by not telling them you are living a lie.

assume the worst. he may turn out to be OK but honestly just read thread after thread on here started by women/men who thought this and it turned out badly. take out half the money and put in a new account, change the passwords on any internet accounts and most importantly go and get some good legal advice first thing on Monday.

You have to take control of and be in control of this situation.

He is not the man you married. he has slept with someone else for months behind your back. he has lied about staying at work. he has lied about being at a hobby when all the time he is having sex with her.

You are worth so much more than this.

Do it now. get the suitcases and get him out of there.

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 11/06/2016 10:51

Mummymeister is right.

Morsecode · 11/06/2016 10:53

Just repeating what others have said, don't wait 2 weeks to kick him out, do it now. If you are thinking of your son then the atmosphere will make it worse for him, not better. And yes to the legal advice ASAP, you can't trust a cheat and a liar. All the very best.

2nds · 11/06/2016 11:00

There's nothing to lose by contacting the OW and her husband, there is no law against it and the OW has been been bed hopping for months so why shouldn't she be made to face up to what she's been doing? Op just make sure that when you do see her you've already got his bags packed.

londonrach · 11/06/2016 11:00

Mummy is right. Its not fair on you if he hangs around for 2 plus weeks. Id get a suitcase out, pack his clothes for him if he not able to do it and he can either stay with her, friends, parents, hotel or find somewhere to rent. Also agree why why should you relationship with his parents end. Test the water there. You have their dgc who im sure they want to continue to see and have done nothing wrong. One of my friends dgm put her son in law and dgc above her dd when dd had an affair. Thinking of you op. You sound very positive and strong at the moment. Sort out the financial bits and dont trust him to be honest there. Xxx

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