Why won't he break it off if he is being so distant?

[KatDubs261]

Seeing a guy for a few months, feel we connect on multiple levels. Chasing me at the beginning, lots of phone calls and texts. Going out on dates regularly.

About a month in, after daily contact, he went on a trip & didn't contact me the whole time. I felt ignored & said I wanted to cool things off & he accepted this, but was cold & hostile about the decision. I admit I was hasty in making this decision and this is unlike me.

The next week, he came around and surprised me by cooking dinner for me. He said he should have been more attentive than he had been & took responsbility for why I had wanted to cool things off. He also said that he was being stressed & a lot had been weighing on his mind about his professional future. I felt like he really opened up and vice versa.

Last week before flying home to visit family, he called me from the airport. I wished him a good trip and almost a week later, had heard nothing. I noticed he is back online upon returning and I don't hear from him the whole day. NEWSFLASH: he is ignoring me.

Meanwhile, I had got him a small gift for his birthday. I told him about it, but said as he had been so distant it seemed he didn't want to go out anymore? He was really happy about the gift & told me how sweet that was. Then he denied wanting to break it off.

So, I asked him to let me know what he wants? That he can be 100% honest with me. This was last night. He's been online a few times since then and he still hasn't responded. He hates confrontation, but talks things through in person. Why won't he just break it off? Why string me along like this?

Well now you know he's just an arse.

So just reply saying you're not interested in having any further involvement with him, THEN BLOCK.

And move on.

Sorry, it sounds like he's playing with your emotions until he moves onto next person.

Do you know what I don't understand: why bother?

It's surely hassle for him - for me to be questioning him and being suspicious. Why even bother making up excuses and apologies?

And I've booked a trip, so I'm looking forward to spending July as the month I get myself back together. This situation has been making me crazy and has caused me to lose touch of myself. Got some soul searching to do!

Yes BS. I saw a bloke who did this after seeing each other 3 months. And he just couldn't actually say he wanted to break off. It was so stupid. Instead I spent whole week of my holiday wondering why he had stopped sending his morning and night time messages. Dick. Sounds very similar. I'd just say that's it then mate and you call it a day if he won't.

I realised afterwards I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere and moved in fairly quickly. Sure you will too.

He might be just keeping you warm for a shag in the future?

Just block him. A guy I was seeing stopped contacting me for four days. We had arranged to meet up on a Friday and I had heard nothing from him since the previous Saturday evening. I was angry as I had left it too ate to arange plans with another friend as they gave children. On the Wednesday I text and asked him if we were still on for Friday. .no response. So I dumped him. His loss. No waiting around for me. He text back hours later to sat he had a lot going on in his life and no money to socialise and he didn't text back because he didn't want to. Blocked hin without replying. He doesn't text you because he doesn't want to. Block him. Move on.

OP..unfortunately, when you have such sexual chemistry/physical attraction to someone, you overlook so many 'red flags' and 'allow' certain behaviours. I have been in your position before, I 'overlooked' ignored so many things, to my detriment. The relationship didn't last but it was me who finished it after eventually seeing sense.

You ask why he would say certain things if he didn't mean them, well that's the 64,000 dollar question isn't it? As I said in my last post, YOU are genuine and naively think others are too, they aren't.

I'm sure there are as many women as men that are disingenuous out there, it's sorting the wheat from the chaff. You don't really know him OP, so there's no loss. I guess what you like about him and the connection you feel, you think you have a foundation to build on. It's a risk though isn't it? Basis his behaviour it's one I wouldn't be prepared to take.

Good luck

It's surely hassle for him - for me to be questioning him and being suspicious. Why even bother making up excuses and apologies?

It's only a hassle if you care. If my mum/friend/brother/partner was questioning me, I care about how she/he feels and wouldn't want to hurt her. It'd play on my mind a lot and I'd worry I'd upset them.

When other people are hassling me, people that I don't give a fuck about it, doesn't bother me. It's really easy to just ignore them because I don't care how they feel about it or how much it's torturing them.

It's probably something like that.

I believe I have developed some form of addiction to him. I have never been addicted to alcohol, or cigarettes, so I thought I don't have that type of personality. But there is a high level of 1) sexual fulfillment and 2) intellectual stimulation. With the former, I have had good sex quite regularly. But this is explosively, hits the mark every time, good. Hence not wanting to give it up.

Last year I lost a close friendship with a man who offered me a deep, intellectual connection. He was in a relationship with another woman & I ended the friendship because I felt we were codependent with each other. Wonder if there's a link?

Like when a smoker gives up, only to relapse, that seems to be what I have done here. Maybe I need to seriously consider therapy for a while.

The only way to handle an addiction is to go cold turkey.

Therapy is always an excellent idea.

I would be telling this guy run for the hills. OP, youre acting demented going over and over this for a guy you've known for 10 weeks. 70 days. He probably liked you in the first place. You went off and completely overreacted early days. He backed off and stayed backed off. You started talking relationships after a few weeks - f* that. The guy doesn't have to be dating other people to not want to date you anymore. You are just not the one from him and yes that might be because of YOUR mistakes not his. Think about that and evolve for next time.

He wouldn't bother with you at all if there wasn't some part of you that he liked... BUT he clearly doesn't want an exclusive committed relationship with you. He just doesn't!

There are only two options here... either you accept this very casual "relationship" with him, whereby he decides how things are done and accepting he'll be seeing other women... or you tell him "thanks but no thanks" and move on. There really are no other options here.

Slowdecrease, your answers are not helpful.

Acting 'demented' is not the norm for me in any kind of romantic relationship or past fling. Maybe I do need to 'evolve' but bear in mind he volunteered mistakes he had made too. Attacking me is unhelpful.

I think soft soaping you as some posters are is what isn't helpful. You asked for advice how to slow it down. My advice is do the exact opposite of what you did this time.

Did you reply to him after his message about not having internet access?

purplefox - Not yet.

I'm afraid I agree with Slowdecrease.

Ten weeks. And you're accusing him of having other women because he doesn't contact you when he's away.

I'd guess that his reluctance to answer you when you ask if he wants to break it off is because he DOES like you; but he's a bit concerned at how needy and paranoid you get when he's away.

He may well be seeing someone else but it sounds as if the only proof you've got is your own intuition which sounds a bit unreliable

I think you need to switch your attitude around to "Why won't I break it off if he is being so distant?"

You can only control your actions, not his. I wouldn't reply to his last message but I feel like you're going to. And then you're going to be in the same position all over again. Please don't prolong the inevitable. I have done it and sorely regretted it.

Kat I hope you can let go of this very soon. I totally understand how you feel. Because we are sincere and genuine, we ascribe the same qualities to others. It is a horrible let down to find out we are wrong.

I was totally ghosted by someone I had shared eight years with and to be honest it still rankles that he ignored a couple of friendly texts! I suspect he was already with someone else but was too cowardly to admit it!

Yes if it helps I've been where you are - completely ghosted after 4.5 years with someone. That's worth feeling aggrieved over. Ten weeks when you yourself have already cooled it/broke it off within that time ? Nah.

In the nicest way I rexcomend reading the book he's just not that into you. He is showing all the signs he's not and why you waste your time on him you could be out there meeting someone who does want to let you know how great you are.

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to give me advice here.

I found this video today and it really struck a chord: . It has helped me feel a bit of compassion for this a*hole's behaviour.

I feel a little bit better (though it may be temporary) because I managed to confide in someone close to me about the situation tonight. Something I had not mentioned before - about a month in, this guy made some violent gestures towards me that set alarm bells ringing. I actually broke down in tears over this earlier...because the truth is...I should have left when my gut first told me to.

This man has given me a gift. Also - the last time we were together I do feel the intimacy deepened. He opened up about the pressure he has been under from a strict family background, he was vulnerable. He is definitely a guy that likes to stay in control of situations - he doesn't like weakness.

We also talking about something related to sex - well, had a difference of opinion on something - I said "this way is more intimate" and he said "yeah, that's the thing" with a slightly scared, wide-eyed look. Like 'intimacy' genuinely terrified him.

The person I spoke to about what had happened suggested that being vulnerable with me perhaps opened a can of worms in himself he isn't ready to explore. They also suggested that because I had cooled things off...he was possibly now enacting an extreme break up so he can stay in control and not allow me to hurt him again. Because I know I did hurt him and I'm sorry for it.

Whatever the case - I am just sorry that I feel so bitter. You know when you have been with someone and, okay, it's not going to work out but you can look band on a fond short or long term memory? I am not going to be able to do that here and that really gets to me.

Oh Kat this really hurts and I'm sorry..

I presume you've still heard nothing from him?

The extreme chemistry thing. It's a killer. And not necessarily in a good way. You can get entangled in all sorts of re-enacted attachment parenty stuff. That's why it can be so toxic.

Please be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for getting hooked. I'm in a 'high chemistry' relationship at the mo and am not at all convinced yet that it's right for me. Yet I can't let go. Not yet. I can see the similarities with your situation. I'd find it intolerable to be ghosted by this guy I'm with.

Nothing productive to add, just

No, Handywoman. After the no internet excuse and 'I don't understand why you think I'm seeing others' yesterday I did respond but haven't heard from him yet. What similarities are you seeing?

I know people here said 'he's just not into you'. Ultimately it could be true. But - he backed off right after we became very close. Both physically and emotionally. The last time we met I feel he put a lot of effort into our date, showed a level of care for me that I remembering noticing was different from before...and in telling me that he took responsibility for what happened before and wanting to move forward.

It's like a budding flower that has been cut off in the early stages. It's been a couple of years since I felt this way about someone :(

I was blinded by 'high chemistry' as you say and intensity. The intensity that comes with a man like this - a deep thinker, can be very vulnerable and beautiful to look at, frankly. He made me feel like he was really making love to me - it was delectable.

The thing about him lying about being disconnected for days. I one had a bf that lied about little things like this and ended up lying about bigger things. He did this because his parents were so overbearing he felt he had to lie about all sorts of stupid things. Again, not condoning BS behaviour, but can be a sort of explanation.