Why won't he break it off if he is being so distant?

[KatDubs261]

Seeing a guy for a few months, feel we connect on multiple levels. Chasing me at the beginning, lots of phone calls and texts. Going out on dates regularly.

About a month in, after daily contact, he went on a trip & didn't contact me the whole time. I felt ignored & said I wanted to cool things off & he accepted this, but was cold & hostile about the decision. I admit I was hasty in making this decision and this is unlike me.

The next week, he came around and surprised me by cooking dinner for me. He said he should have been more attentive than he had been & took responsbility for why I had wanted to cool things off. He also said that he was being stressed & a lot had been weighing on his mind about his professional future. I felt like he really opened up and vice versa.

Last week before flying home to visit family, he called me from the airport. I wished him a good trip and almost a week later, had heard nothing. I noticed he is back online upon returning and I don't hear from him the whole day. NEWSFLASH: he is ignoring me.

Meanwhile, I had got him a small gift for his birthday. I told him about it, but said as he had been so distant it seemed he didn't want to go out anymore? He was really happy about the gift & told me how sweet that was. Then he denied wanting to break it off.

So, I asked him to let me know what he wants? That he can be 100% honest with me. This was last night. He's been online a few times since then and he still hasn't responded. He hates confrontation, but talks things through in person. Why won't he just break it off? Why string me along like this?

You say "please can you stop contacting me so much"

That's not the only reason why I stepped back.

I think I'm just reading the signs. After I took a step back, he never again asked how are you, how is your day going etc, calls stopped. Even when we decided to continue on, the shift in his attitude was perceptible after I said I wanted to take a breather. But I'll never know what was/is in his head because he'll never tell me.

"You say "please can you stop contacting me so much"

Eek. But won't that just make the person feel you don't appreciate them at all?

I just think you hold back a bit. Don't reply instantly etc. My dp only messaged every other day when I first met him. Didn't say things like 'I miss you' when we hardly knew each other. I remember breathing a huge sigh of relief. Here was a man who was honest and not rushing me! It's actually a good sign.

You seem to be over thinking everything, sometimes guys just cut contact, seen it myself and with friends, have self respect and don't ask why just take it on the chin.

If someone texts too much then just ingnore and respond at a pace you find comfortable

AF

I still dont get what you mean by cool things off.

You want to be with someone or not.

Cool things off? Meaning you get arsey and distant and hope he steps up...doenst work!

I prefer the slow burn PatheticFallacy. I tend to find the intense ones at the beginning are usually the ones to disappear just as fast.

Yeah SoThatHappened, I made a mistake. I should have waited to have a proper talk with him. But I felt disrespected and got 'arsey' as you say. I take responsibility for that. Actually, he did step up because he planned a romantic date after this which I took as an apologetic gesture. Guess I was wrong.

He stepped up so he didnt lose you in the interim. Where is he now?

He was never interested.

I tend to find the intense ones at the beginning are usually the ones to disappear just as fast.

Correct. So why are you getting your knickers in a knot with this one. Your posts are a curious mixture of sensible insight and self delusion.

I have dated a couple of guys like this. And I got equally as annoyed as you because the actions didn't match their words and it IS frustrating when you are in it, and have begun to invest and opened up about you, to then be just left a bit cold and unsure.
I usually end it, block and move on even though I am still unsure - the fact I am unsure is why I do it.
I think you just know if it's right, you don't have all these things in your head.
I dated an attractive man a couple years ago and felt all the same page stuff, it wasn't too intense (well I wasn't) we were having a great time, I'm being laid back and trying not to read too much into stuff but there were some red flags I chose to ignore.
A. He was always 'stressed'. About work or his daughter or something. We would talk it over and I would counsel him then we would have a fun date. But it was always like that, he was always super busy or stressed or worried. ALL THE TIME.
B. He would talk about the future of me meeting his daughter and get to the point of almost arranging a date to do it then would just change his mind and make an excuse. And make me feel like I was rushing things.
C. He wanted to know early on that we were exclusive and made it clear cheating was not an option. He said it nicely, but I then didn't dare ever log back on to the OLD just in case he saw. But then maybe he was there!

He went to a wedding, not that I expected to be his plus one but he didn't text or call me once all weekend. I knew he was busy but come on. From all day texting to nothing was weird.
When he returned I confronted him and he denied there was an issue. Just said sorry he was busy. I decided that for whatever the reason was he did it, I didn't like it and knew I would now be resenting him. I accepted the red flags at that point and realised that from day one I had been quite stressed and unsure about the entire relationship and that maybe another woman would be ok with the red flags and being ignored but I was not. You just need to know yourself and what you are willing to put up with. Then don't put up with it

And I don't expect to be texted all the time, ever - but when someone is texting you all the time, then they go cold on you its like its all on their terms and it's frustrating.

I agree, it's a good question.

The worst part is that even after a little voice said "this will most likely end in tears", I ignored it. I ignored every cue that something wasn't right, because I wanted to put faith in his words, rather than my intuition.

The last time I ignored my intuition was eight years ago. I continued on, wanting to give him a chance. I ended up seeing him out with another girl on a day he told me he was with family.

What has changed for me that has made me not want to trust my intuition? It never steered me wrong before. I think it's as simple as meeting someone who appeared to really like me for a time. It was nice. I thought the connection was there. I wanted it to be real and didn't want to admit it was no good.

People make poor decisions when they want to be liked because their self esteem is low. I have. We allow things that aren't ok and don't feel right because of it.
The more you take the risk of letting go of people who make you feel this way it gradually builds up your internal self esteem again and again. Then when you see something wrong you admit it immediately.
I was brought up by a narcissistic abusive father and a helpless victim martyr enabler mother. I have had to rewire my entire brain and outlook when it comes to relationships and how things should feel and what I should do
But it's not impossible - take people's advice here. They are giving it to you to help and they don't have any other agenda. They don't want to make you single and unhappy but this isn't making you happy

Also why people seem to be questioning your step back and cooling off thing is because it's really a game deep down and a test that you set him. I see why you did it but once you start a game for yourself you will constantly be playing it. Each time the attention dips with him you find yourself doing something more and more complex and complicated to try to find out what he is thinking.
I know you want to know what he is thinking, but this in itself is quite worrying. You need to feel secure in yourself before you get emotionally involved with someone because what happens is that they become your worthiness barometer. You only feel worthy when they do something to remind you that you are.

It is rude to ignore you but the reason you feel so emotional about it (and not just 'oh fuck off then' or 'who cares, I will see how it goes when he is back') is because you have placed your happiness and self worth in his hands. no one should be given that responsibility - would you like it? Add in to the mix someone you don't even know very well. It's quite daunting and perhaps you are giving off little red flags of your own to him on this occasion and he is totally not wanting to become responsible for you feeling good all by his actions.

Actually op, I'm with you completely 100%. Dating is hard, and soul destroying and actually the first date is the easy bit, it's when it gets beyond that, that it gets complicated.

There's no right or wrong way to approach it really, I've recently had to learn and accept that. No one person has the answer for you because what works for one person and the person they're seeing and that particular relationship at that particular time, doesn't for others. There's too many variables.

for you

"I think you just know if it's right, you don't have all these things in your head."
I think you're right Myusernameis. From what I remember of dating (I've been more or less out of it for years) if it doesn't feel easy it never lasts. It reminds me of my favourite MN quote too..."love is like a fart, if you have to force it it's probably shit"

"I need some advice on how to slow things down in future"
If you mean how to slow a man down if he's too full on with the texting or the "I love you" in the early days, then perhaps just say "I want to take things slowly and let things develop over time"?

If you mean how to stop yourself getting emotionally invested too soon then what I'd do is remind myself, for around the first 2-3 months, that this is the period of infatuation, that it's not love because you have to really know someone before you can love them and 3 months isn't long enough. That I'd try and enjoy the moment but not get caught up in future talk (there are plenty of future fakers around!), reining myself in if I caught myself getting carried away with dreams. I say 3 months because in my experience this is the time that I always found the novelty wore off and many relationships ended because deep down we were unsuitable for each other.

whataloadof makes some brilliant points there. Just take your time, if things are moving too quickly, just say. Also flip it, think how you'd react if told that & think about how to empathetically word it. As for all the people mentioning timescales & rushing in, they are speaking wisely

You've had a bit of a hard time on here, people assuming that you should have their brilliant wisdom when in reality although you seem quite together this man has fooled you.

I think he likes the sex? Hence his promise that things might grow (excuse the pun )

Perhaps if you message him and say 'fancy some tonight' you will get a promt response

Chalk it up to experience. It's all you can do

UPDATE: he's back.

I decided to send one last message saying I think after 2 months of intimacy I deserve an answer. I said I assumed he was dating others hence the change in his communication with me. I said I wanted a simple answer that would help me move on.

He replies about half an hour later, saying he has been disconnected from the internet for several days (I've seen him online on those days). He said he is not ignoring me and that he doesn't know why I think he is dating other people?

BS or what?!

Bull bull bull. Disconnected from the Internet? WTF is he? Borneo?

I know. I also think his choice of words is telling - "I don't know why you think I'm dating other people...'; rather than 'of course I'm not! plans next date'. I think he is genuinely curious to know where that's coming from - woman's intuition?

Bull shit.

Tell him that you know it's BS as he's been online.

Then delete, block and forget. There really is no point in going back and forth with him. It's just prolonging the agony. Sorry.

Cmon Kat ... you know he is a big BS'ing Bullshitter ... why did you send that text though bangs head against brick wall

Move on - he is not worth wasting your time. He will do this all over again in a months time

Sometimes people have "tells". His response is indeed peculiar.

I don't know why you think im dating other people