Why won't he break it off if he is being so distant?

[KatDubs261]

Seeing a guy for a few months, feel we connect on multiple levels. Chasing me at the beginning, lots of phone calls and texts. Going out on dates regularly.

About a month in, after daily contact, he went on a trip & didn't contact me the whole time. I felt ignored & said I wanted to cool things off & he accepted this, but was cold & hostile about the decision. I admit I was hasty in making this decision and this is unlike me.

The next week, he came around and surprised me by cooking dinner for me. He said he should have been more attentive than he had been & took responsbility for why I had wanted to cool things off. He also said that he was being stressed & a lot had been weighing on his mind about his professional future. I felt like he really opened up and vice versa.

Last week before flying home to visit family, he called me from the airport. I wished him a good trip and almost a week later, had heard nothing. I noticed he is back online upon returning and I don't hear from him the whole day. NEWSFLASH: he is ignoring me.

Meanwhile, I had got him a small gift for his birthday. I told him about it, but said as he had been so distant it seemed he didn't want to go out anymore? He was really happy about the gift & told me how sweet that was. Then he denied wanting to break it off.

So, I asked him to let me know what he wants? That he can be 100% honest with me. This was last night. He's been online a few times since then and he still hasn't responded. He hates confrontation, but talks things through in person. Why won't he just break it off? Why string me along like this?

If people on this thread are SERIOUSLY suggesting the guy doesn't owe me a simple "sorry, but I don't want to go out anymore/not feeling it" VS silence, I despair for this world.

Yes, this would be the polite thing to do, and draw a line under the whole thing so you can both move on afresh.

But as you know, relationships, especially casual ones of a few weeks, rarely end this way.

Some people just can't be arsed with the awkward conversation and just start ghosting.

Some people would prefer to keep you as an option so they can dial-a-fuck in future if the other woman they're putting their effort into doesn't work out.

He's probably doing one of these two things.

If I was you, I'd just send a casual "sorry but this isn't working for me anymore. Good luck for the future" message now.

Then move on.

I guess I've been lucky so far. With my long-term and casual relationships, there has been a decent enough ending or feeling of 'well, this was fun :)'. I've never been ignored by someone I've been intimate with like this.

After I broke it off with him first time, he did a 180. The weird thing is...when together, I felt genuine concern from him about what was going on in my life. He actually gave very good, thoughtful advice. I'll miss it. The fact someone could do this, but also treat me like dial-a-fuck is genuinely distressing.

Manners are the problem as PP said. Do you think I should send that closure message? He is ignoring me anyway (for now).

Definitely.

No.

Do not send the message Kat ... you'll kick yourself for looking desperate. I don't agree with a lot of the PP - I'd be annoyed too. It's common courtesy to let you know where his head is at but some people just don't have the same manners as the rest of us. Move on

Why are people being such mean twats to the OP?

I've often read on here who couples who just knew and moved in together after a week and were talking marriage within just days and that's considered oh so romantic because it was The Right One.

Ten weeks is totally long enough to get very attached to someone, according to the above ONE week could be enough. Given the right reciprocal signals I can certainly see how someone would fall hard over that period of time.

OP. He's not interested, he probably was at the beginning but he isn't now and that's hard to deal with, believe me I know. Lots of people are like this. If he was the right one for you, he would still be interested and you wouldn't be feeling like this. So clear the decks for the one who is right for you, wants what you want and won't be frightened off by perfectly reasonable requests for contact.

And remember there are many "Right Ones" out there. Try and have some fun finding them and keep your guard up till you do.

Why did you say you wanted to cool things off? What does that mean anyway..cool things off? Either you end it or you dont IMO.

Cool things off to meant you didnt want to dump him but just to punish him for a bit to make him realise. Well it worked. Briefly and now here we are again.

Either you should have asked why he didnt contact you whilst away the first time or just ended it.

Why are you waiting to be dumped?

And NO MORE MESSAGES TO THIS GUY!!! Ok?

Thanks loobyloo. I'm not going to send the message. If he contacts me over the weekend, which he may, I will hold strong.

The truth is that my earlier gut instinct told me I couldn't trust him (not immediately...after about 1 1/2 months probably). While he was abroad, I had a dream that he was going to meet someone but wouldn't tell me who & then just walked out of the door. I suppose we pick up on things.

There were traits about this guy I REALLY liked. The sexual chemistry was amazing, we clicked intellectually & he was emotionally vulnerable in a way that I often find men aren't. I thought I found a gem - it does suck to have to start over. It gets tiring. :(

Thank you all for helping.

My dp of 13 months doesn't contact me loads in between dates. It doesn't mean he's keeping me as an option but that he's busy! He's not a massive texter. Some people aren't.

But everyone's situation is different. I'd trust your own judgement first. I actually used to post a lot about my relationship online and it actually created problems because other people all had different views and it would fuel my anxiety.

Now I've stopped and our relationship is brilliant, I'm part of his family and our children are close.

Just read your last post. Absolutely trust your gut instinct. The difference is I've always absolutely trusted dp but if you don't then that is perhaps for a reason.

Thanks NickiFury.

I'm actually okay with the fact he isn't interested because I don't ultimately think we're right for each other in the long run. But the lack of simple communication about this change of heart hurts. We had some great times together & they are not worth a cold ending imo.

Because he wanted to talk DAILY, I found myself getting attached far quicker than I have previously. I prefer contact every couple of days, but I enjoyed the attention.

I have one last Q for you all. Why do you think he wasn't honest about what he really wanted? Once, I asked - what are you looking for, dates, sex, etc? He did everything within his power to avoid answering.

I had exactly this scenario two years ago. A relationship of 3 months ended with radio silence. Sadly it is all too common. It does hurt. I'm not young (33 when that happened) and I was still gutted! People don't think about how strong your feelings can be during that infatuation stage.
But two years on I am happy and in a relationship with someone who is a million times better for me.
And I did send messages to the ghosting guy and probably made a fool of myself. Do I care? No! Because I no longer care what he thinks. You will feel better soon. Two to three months is a prime time for this to happen.

Once, I asked - what are you looking for, dates, sex, etc? He did everything within his power to avoid answering.

He didnt answer as he didnt want to be with you and knew it. He never did.

He was probably seeing others.

You were good enough until he met someone else.

Mine did the same.

It is shit

You were laying yourself out on a plate, you asked him if he wanted dates, sex etc, was he ever asking you what you wanted? It seems to be that what he wanted was overriding what you wanted and that's continuing even now. Look at the title of your thread and read back on everything that you have written so far, it's all about wanting to please him. Why won't HE break it off? Why won't you see that suggesting he should be the one breaking it off is you giving him control. Take control yourself, stop texting this guy.

Him saying "things take time to grow" is him saying "slow down, be patient, this is potentially a great thing but don't rush it". You sound like you have interpreted that to
mean something different, I think?

Also- a few posters have said that the first few months are the best it's ever going to be/he's most into at the stage where you're shiny and new/etc. I really don't think this is always true and it's not always a helpful way to think as it leads to these odd kind of demands and ultimatums and expectations of perfection after a couple of weeks ("well if he's not devoted to you now, he never will be! Only gets worse from here on in!") Surely that's not true?! Or not always true?! Surely many people's feelings grow with time. Over time, your presence in their life is more important. In the early days, why would someone who barely knows you give you greater time and commitment than other major things in their life?! Things take time to grow, after all (to borrow a phrase!)

But as PP have said, if his "don't rush it" attitude doesn't work for you, call it off!

After our second date, I asked him if he was seeing others. He said "I'm not dating anyone else and I don't intend to."

When he discovered I had been on a date with another guy, he asked if I would stop seeing him. I did, because I wanted to give things a try. If he started seeing other regardless of this, that is really shady. And I had a feeling recently that he was.

PatheticFallacy, sorry that happened! And I'm glad you're happier now. Every time something like this occurs, I always feel like I'll never meet someone else with this chemistry or connection. Not sure why.

plimsolls - the problem is that he was REALLY intense up until very recently! It almost put me off at first, but then I thought it could be refreshing.

It's like it sort of just died and suddenly he's telling me things take time to grow. But I know he likes frequent contact, so it made me feel uneasy. Phone calls stopped and I began to notice that he was online at all the same times as before, but not talking to me.

Might you be looking for Mr wrong the entire time? Are you typically going for the so attractive guy that the other guys get overlooked? Maybe you need to have a think about changes in the way you approach a relationship as well? I really wouldn't ask a guy if he wanted sex or something more, maybe wait a while to have sex with someone until you know it is going somewhere. You don't want just sex so why ask him that? And maybe next time being closer than ever before the first few weeks have passed isn't a good idea. You weren't closer than ever, you were very much still in the getting to know each other stage.

"Why do you think he wasn't honest about what he really wanted? Once, I asked - what are you looking for, dates, sex, etc? He did everything within his power to avoid answering."

My theory is that he's probably avoiding having to say something he thinks you won't want to hear. So if he knows you want a proper relationship/love/commitment and he's not feeling that way, if he admits it he risks getting dumped. And he probably doesn't want to get dumped because he enjoys seeing you casually for chats and sex.

But he didn't know that I wanted a relationship. If that's what he thought, he made an assumption. I guess it probably is just the risk of getting dumped.

I take responsibility for my part. When I cooled things off, it was because things could not continue as they were. Last week, he admitted that he took responsibility for his part & said "I have not been attentive enough". So I thought, great, we've admitted we could have done things differently & now we can move on.

In reality, I don't think he was able to recover from the fact I wanted to take a step back. He wasn't able, or willing, to give me what I want or need - and I have no doubt that my backing away was taken as rejection. He was cold and hostile at the time.

Exactly what WhatALoadOfOldBollocks said.

Next time you'll be more tuned into the cues and won't get as carried away with it all so quickly.

2nds, I don't think it's a pattern. Well - my recent ex was gorgeous. He could have been a model. But boyfriend before him was average & still the guy I have loved most to date. We couldn't be together but remain friends.

Remember I met this guy on OLD. I suppose looks do take precedent. Another reason why I clicked with him is because he had just moved to my home city from his home city (where I had just been living for a year). I remember him saying "thank god you moved back or we would have never met :)'. Sob. We bonded over that initially I suppose.

In reality, I don't think he was able to recover from the fact I wanted to take a step back.

I think you're still massively overthinking it. You wanted to step back because he dingied you for a week. He'd already had his head elsewhere (probably with someone else) before you said that. It's just the nature of the early stages of online dating these days.

Don't take it all so personally, you need a thicker skin if you're going to do it again in future.

I need some advice on how to slow things down in future.

I prefer to take things slowly in relationships. When this guy came on hot and heavy, contacting me every day, multiple times a day, I felt it was a bit clingy. But the attention was nice and I didn't want to hurt him.

Unfortunately, I think this lead to quite intense early bonding for me. I didn't want to say "can you please stop contacting me so much?" - so I let myself get swept up. How do you manage it?