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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why won't he break it off if he is being so distant?

205 replies

KatDubs261 · 10/06/2016 15:00

Seeing a guy for a few months, feel we connect on multiple levels. Chasing me at the beginning, lots of phone calls and texts. Going out on dates regularly.

About a month in, after daily contact, he went on a trip & didn't contact me the whole time. I felt ignored & said I wanted to cool things off & he accepted this, but was cold & hostile about the decision. I admit I was hasty in making this decision and this is unlike me.

The next week, he came around and surprised me by cooking dinner for me. He said he should have been more attentive than he had been & took responsbility for why I had wanted to cool things off. He also said that he was being stressed & a lot had been weighing on his mind about his professional future. I felt like he really opened up and vice versa.

Last week before flying home to visit family, he called me from the airport. I wished him a good trip and almost a week later, had heard nothing. I noticed he is back online upon returning and I don't hear from him the whole day. NEWSFLASH: he is ignoring me.

Meanwhile, I had got him a small gift for his birthday. I told him about it, but said as he had been so distant it seemed he didn't want to go out anymore? He was really happy about the gift & told me how sweet that was. Then he denied wanting to break it off.

So, I asked him to let me know what he wants? That he can be 100% honest with me. This was last night. He's been online a few times since then and he still hasn't responded. He hates confrontation, but talks things through in person. Why won't he just break it off? Why string me along like this?

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 10/06/2016 15:55

Why on earth would you give your all to someone you had never met 12 weeks ago? Can you not hear how odd that sounds? On that basis I think you've well and truly scared him off.

HermioneJeanGranger · 10/06/2016 15:56

You barely know him! Slow down.

TheNaze73 · 10/06/2016 16:00

I'm sorry but, I think you've scared him off possibly.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/06/2016 16:00

It is 3 months not 3 decades. Dump quickly and move on. This one is not the right one.

KatDubs261 · 10/06/2016 16:01

All I mean is...I don't do anything half-assed. So I'm not dating anyone else, only him. My focus is on him. I don't generally chase after him or anything like that, I'm quite independent.

I even said I felt there are times when I am chasing him because he is aloof. He told me he didn't get that vibe from me. But it's becoming that way now and I'm not like this in relationships usually.

OP posts:
KatDubs261 · 10/06/2016 16:02

By doing what?

This is what happened. He made a nice dinner and we had a great night. I thanked him for a wonderful time and in turn, he thanked me for my company etc. The next day, he called from the airport. Then i don't hear from him in almost a week. Remember, this is after daily contact from him. What's wrong with that?

OP posts:
whattodowiththepoo · 10/06/2016 16:03

You seem like hard work, you bloody end it.

TresDesolee · 10/06/2016 16:05

Whatever his reasons, his expectations of contact aren't the same as yours and the two of you don't communicate well. And the upshot is that you're a bit miserable and not enjoying a lovely early-stage relationship buzz.

Who knows why he doesn't end it - you'll probably never have a definitive answer to that. The real q is why don't you, if it's becoming clear it's not the relationship you want?

SouthWestmom · 10/06/2016 16:09

I just don't get this need to be acting like 'a couple' after a first date. Why can't you just see how things go, take it easy - getting stroppy a month in is just ridiculous. It sounds like he sees you as a small part of his life (see how that develops) and you see him a a partner.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/06/2016 16:11

Jeez...
Brick wall....

KatDubs261 · 10/06/2016 16:12

RE me not ending it - because it is his responsibility to end things if that is what he wants. The last time we met, I felt things actually had a change of progressing. If a guy decides he doesn't want to be with a woman after 2 months of intimacy, he should end it and not rely on dropping hints.

So asking a guy what he wants from this is hard work? I thought that was just communication.

OP posts:
KatDubs261 · 10/06/2016 16:16

I have just wanted to see how things go. He was much more intense and coupley than I was for the first 6 weeks or so.

If a guy you are dating didn't speak to you for 6 days, after months of more or less daily contact, what would you think? How would you feel, if after months of asking how you are and how is your day, they stop completely?

OP posts:
Summerdreams · 10/06/2016 16:20

To me its sounds like the novelty wore off I had many relationships like this years ago where we would talk every day and see eachother all the time then it would just stop and the rejection was always painfull.

whattodowiththepoo · 10/06/2016 16:22

He didn't contact you for a week at a time twice, both times he was away.
Stop checking up on him to see if he's online and get a grip.

purplefox · 10/06/2016 16:22

If a guy you are dating didn't speak to you for 6 days, after months of more or less daily contact, what would you think? How would you feel, if after months of asking how you are and how is your day, they stop completely?

I'd be thinking that they weren't interested any more and I'd move on. It's only 3 months.

Slowdecrease · 10/06/2016 16:25

This is nuts.

KatDubs261 · 10/06/2016 16:25

I think this is it. He described me as 'exotic' when we first met and I feel like I'm just not shiny and new anymore.

The rejection isn't pleasant. But it hurts me more that he doesn't say 'sorry, this isn't working for me', offering the closure I feel I need. When he denies wanting to break up and ignores me, it hurts much more.

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 10/06/2016 16:26

It's only three months and the first time was a month. Honestly just go with the flow.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/06/2016 16:27

because it is his responsibility to end things if that is what he wants
Why is it up to him?
Why does he get all the power in this relationship?
Do you value yourself at all?
What has happened in past relationships to think this is all you deserve?

I suggest you contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme.
Learn to spot red flags. Learn to set your OWN boundaries.
And hopefully give your self-esteem a bit of a boost.

Slowdecrease · 10/06/2016 16:28

I shouldn't worry I dont think you'll hear from him again. Let that be your closure.

mylovegoesdown · 10/06/2016 16:31

He's just not that interested in you and I know that's hard to accept but you need to.

And it is not his responsibility to end it. It's your responsibility to accept this isn't working for you and move on.

Summerdreams · 10/06/2016 16:32

I dont think its going to go back to how it was in all honesty and hes definately giving mixed signals but your getting hurt by this and sometimes you need to protect yourself. Flowers

Toxicity · 10/06/2016 16:34

What would he need to do for you to think "right that's it, we are over"? Please tell yourself that you deserve a decent guy who doesn't blow hot and cold.

MidnightLullaby · 10/06/2016 16:37

RE me not ending it - because it is his responsibility to end things if that is what he wants

That is quite possibly the most pathetic thing I have read on here in a very long time!!

So you take no responsibility for your own life or happiness? Do you have no agency in your own life? Good for you for being attractive and all that, but seriously, he's taking the piss and you're letting him. The reason he hasn't dumped you is because you're one of the options; one of the irons in the fire. I'm assuming it's a sexual relationship? Well that's what he gets out of it. A shag. And yes, he holds your hand and says nice things because when he does that, you have sex with him.

You weren't hasty in cooling it the first time he ignored you. Where you went wrong was re-igniting things as soon as he clicked his fingers.

He's still online. You know what he's doing on there, don't you? He's chatting to other women, flirting with them, maybe sexting with them, maybe dating them... does it matter how good looking he is if he's going to treat you like that?

I'll be honest with you, I'm not particularly attractive. I mean, I'm not aware of having ever curdled milk, but I certainly don't attract any attention but there is no way I would put up with what you are describing from anyone. And more than that, I haven't done.

Get a bit of self respect to go with your pretty face and dump him.

mylovegoesdown · 10/06/2016 16:38

And please don't contact Women's Aid as a PP suggested. I'm sure they are trying to help but this is not a case of needing Womens Aid.

They are a charity with limited resources that helps women escape domestic violence and abuse.

The freedom project is designed for women to better understand domestic violence and abuse. This isn't the case here. You're not in a relationship with this man and he hasn't been abusive. You've been on a few dates and you seem more invested than him and that's hurtful but it's not an abusive situation.

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