Why won't he break it off if he is being so distant?

[KatDubs261]

Seeing a guy for a few months, feel we connect on multiple levels. Chasing me at the beginning, lots of phone calls and texts. Going out on dates regularly.

About a month in, after daily contact, he went on a trip & didn't contact me the whole time. I felt ignored & said I wanted to cool things off & he accepted this, but was cold & hostile about the decision. I admit I was hasty in making this decision and this is unlike me.

The next week, he came around and surprised me by cooking dinner for me. He said he should have been more attentive than he had been & took responsbility for why I had wanted to cool things off. He also said that he was being stressed & a lot had been weighing on his mind about his professional future. I felt like he really opened up and vice versa.

Last week before flying home to visit family, he called me from the airport. I wished him a good trip and almost a week later, had heard nothing. I noticed he is back online upon returning and I don't hear from him the whole day. NEWSFLASH: he is ignoring me.

Meanwhile, I had got him a small gift for his birthday. I told him about it, but said as he had been so distant it seemed he didn't want to go out anymore? He was really happy about the gift & told me how sweet that was. Then he denied wanting to break it off.

So, I asked him to let me know what he wants? That he can be 100% honest with me. This was last night. He's been online a few times since then and he still hasn't responded. He hates confrontation, but talks things through in person. Why won't he just break it off? Why string me along like this?

[KatDubs261]

And thank you, Handywoman. I have been beating myself up for getting hooked. And especially for ignoring glaring red alarm bells...because I desperately wanted my next fix. to you

[HandyWoman]

Well the intense sexual chemistry is there, but in between dates he's consistent but seems pretty blasé. There's progress in the relationship but I'm always surprised as his communication in between dates suggests he's Just Not That Into Me. But he sort of is...

I need to be very mindful of my family-of-origin issues and attachment stuff. I'm divorced from an emotionally unavailable idiot and need to avoid repeating patterns.

Am in therapy, and finding my way through.

I totally understand the addictiveness and how it goes deep. Look after yourself, OP.

[HumpMeBogart]

Some thoughts from someone who's been where you are now (including being ghosted by a guy who went from "let's move in together and have a baby" to vanishing while I was in hospital having a life-threatening operation - in the space of five weeks):

• It doesn't matter what he's thinking or feeling, or why he's being distant. It's very very very likely you will never get a real honest answer from him - so any speculation on your part is just that: speculation.
  

• It doesn't matter how he behaved in the past. People change - for good and bad. You need to look at where you are now - right now you have a guy who is not treating you as you want or need or deserve to be treated. That's where you are and that's what you need to respond to.
  

• You may never get closure. Yes it sucks and it's shit, but you can't make him give it to you. You could spend years obsessing about this - or you could decide you've given him all the brain space you're going to, and move on. Now.
  

• It doesn't matter what's going on in his head. It doesn't matter why he behaved the way he did. What matters is the situation you're in now and how you deal with it.
  

• You are better than this and you can get past it.
  

• As a PP said, read He's Just Not That Into You. Absorb.

[mylovegoesdown]

He's scared of intimacy, doesn't want to be vulnerable, he felt something deep and it scared him....

These are all things women seem to tell themselves when a man just really isn't that interested in them. I know. I've done it.

If someone really likes you they want to be with you. They don't blow hot and cold, they don't disappear for a few days or tell lies about their Internet connection.

You feel hurt and it's even more hurtful to think that he just wasn't that interested so you have to make it feel like it was more important to him than it was.

Like I said, I've been there. When someone really likes you and wants to be with you it doesn't involve all this drama and angst, it's easy and straightforward.

I know it hurts but you just have to accept it and move on.

[KatDubs261]

Maybe it is. Does it really matter? It might be self-protection, but maybe it's required until we can heal.

Also: some men do cut and run when things get more intimate. The video I posted above about ghosting explores this.

My last bf broke up with me, it was brutal, and a week later was back calling and emailing me. In the end, he said he had fallen deeply in love with me and was afraid that I was going to leave him...so he left me first! I didn't take him back because I couldn't trust him again.

To be fair, I should have talked to this guy rather than cooled things off. I know I hurt his feelings and he probably had one foot out the door since then.

I'm generally quite perceptive, although the wool was somewhat pulled over my eyes this time. I struggle to believe that he could orchestrate a romantic date and be showing every type of care and attentiveness, only to cut and run immediately after if he was not interested. I feel he had become more romantic over time, rather than less.

But then...maybe I'm just naïve. :) With my ex, he was schmoozing with my parents just hours before he broke up with me. We place out trust in people, place our hearts in other peoples hands, and we can just never know what they will do with it.

[KatDubs261]

Also I think admitting to yourself that they were never interested after 3 months of what felt like close intimacy, would be too difficult to stomach. At least for me it is. To think the sweet moments you shared were a lie (didn't feel like they were in the moment).

Last time I saw him he said 'If you could choose to look into the future, would you? Would you want to know what's in store?'

After this experience I can safely say NO

[mylovegoesdown]

But that's exactly my point. You find it hard to stomach that it wasn't a real romance.

It was for you but it wasn't for him. I've told exes in the past that I was scared of falling in love or whatever when breaking up with them because they liked me more than I Iiked them and it seemed kinder when pushed to give a reason than to say I just wasn't that interested.

And sometimes when with them I'd be enjoying it (particularly the sex) and thinking I can make this work, they're lovely etc and feeling intimate, looking into their eyes and sharing our lives etc and then when they weren't there I wasn't feeling it, wasn't really missing them etc so they clearly weren't the one for me. Nothing wrong with them, they just weren't the one for me.

And that's okay.

[KatDubs261]

Interesting perspective. I didn't particularly miss this guy too much when we were apart.

Isn't it the in-person intimacy and talks that matter? Is there a point in putting too much emphasis on how you feel when they are not around?

[Slowdecrease]

You seem to still be analysing this.

[Patheticfallacy]

Yes stop analysing it. Honestly, in six months or so he'll be completely irrelevant and you'll wonder what on earth you were thinking of.

[mylovegoesdown]

I agree you're still over-analysing this but I understand why.

I don't think it is the interpersonal intimacy and talks that are important. There are loads of pheromones and hormones flying around particularly when orgasms have been had! They release 'bonding' hormones and it's such a chemical and intimate experience that it often seems like the world has stopped and you are so close to this person and it's warm and comforting and you connect and it's the after-glow (or pre-glow!) and you're so attracted to each other and see a future together etc etc.

I've passionately kissed people after a date or when they've left my home after a night of sex and felt dizzy with all the attraction and chemistry and a few hours later thought well actually, I can't see it working because of X or Y or realised I don't like them THAT much.

So I think it's how you feel when not with them and how you miss them when they're not there that is more important.

[pambeesley]

You have to find your own closure which is he wasn't who he made out to be for what ever reason and to be honest do you want to be with someone scared of intimacy? That you need to fix? You deserve and will find someone who isn't scared because you are the greatest person they have ever met.

[KatDubs261]

Ah pambeesley, that's such a kind thing to say. Thank you :)

Mylovegoesdown - I agree the sex and chemicals were part of it. But it also replicated the early stages of past relationships. He is the first guy I could see myself with in some time...it hurts that he couldn't honour the few months spent with a simple note or goodbye.

I admit I do overanalyse. I have to analyse at work and I had to a lot for my degree. I don't know if this is something therapy can help with or if it's just the way I am!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Life isn't a soap opera or novel. There might not be a connecting narrative or story arc. You might not be able to find the "closing" narrative to connect all the loose ends in a nice simple story of well-shaped characters who always behave according to clear, consistent motivations in a well written character guide.

I have noticed a clear correlation in my life between people-pleasers and closure-seekers. Those of us who are not people-pleasers don't seek closure, we don't need to full understand everyone else's motivations, only the effect on ourselves, which is usually fully known.

[KatDubs261]

I have a last Q.

I've had a few days to process this & have gone through a vast cycle of emotions. 4 days on I still don't know why he disappeared, but I have been thinking about how it would never have lasted. While we were good at a lot of relationship type things, we didn't have what it takes for the long haul.

I was so appreciative of the last romantic date that he planned, I bought him a small, inexpensive gift for his birthday (he knows I bought it). It was something meaningful & that he had wanted for some time.

I wonder if I should send it to him? It doesn't feel right gathering dust in my drawer & I wouldn't give it to anyone else. Once I've popped it in the post, I can delete his number & move forward. I absolutely know moving forward is the right thing for us both, but I'd like him to have it.

Finally...I have joined a new exercise class & am arranging my first therapy session tomorrow :)

[HandyWoman]

Ah, OP, been wondering how you are. Well done for exercise class and therapy - you're doing great!!

Send it to him, or stick it in the bin. The most important thing is get it out of your house..

More

[2nds]

No ofcourse you shouldn't send it to him he's not interested in you so why would he want gifts from you? You are wasting your time on a man who clearly doesn't give a toss about you.
Never contact him again, have a think about what you want in a man and what you want for your future, take a bit of time away from the dating scene if needs be but sometime when you are ready get back out there. He's not interested and no gift will ever change that.

[KatDubs261]

HandyWoman - that's exactly it! I need it out of the house, but feel weird doing anything with it except giving it to him.

2nds - I don't want the gift to change that. At the weekend he said it was really kind of me to have bought him the gift and to be honest, I do want him to have it. I plan to delete his number after I send the gift and have no intention of contacting him again afterwards. Always enjoy your honesty though...

[KatDubs261]

Actually, 2nds, you've talked me off the ledge.

I suppose I thought, if I send the gift it shows I have no ill feeling. But once again I'm continuing to give out my energy towards him, when's giving nothing back.

I just need to get through this period! ( Handywoman, I forgot them in the last post :))

[Oddsocksgalore]

Your hoping that once he receives the gift he will come running.

Do not send the gift, he won't appreciate it!

[KatDubs261]

No, I was planning to delete his number after sending the gift. I know we're not right for each other long-term...but maybe you are seeing something in my intentions that even I can't see!

But I think you're right that I shouldn't send it...I'm just going through a series of torrid emotions at the moment.

[purplefox]

I think sending the gift shows you're clingy and still holding onto the hope of a happy ever after rather than having no ill feeling.

Sell the gift on ebay? Don't send it. Have you deleted him from Facebook?

[KatDubs261]

Ok. I guess to me it represents no ill feeling...I don't know he will interpret it. I guess he might see it that way, unless I attach a short note.

The thought of selling it on elsewhere makes me feel sad. I'll do something with it. I don't have him on Facebook. We talked/called via whatsapp and I have deleted the app for now. It is 4 days since we last talked & although I'm being ghosted, I feel a bit on edge about whether he might return.

[LesisMiserable]

Donate the gift to a charity shop for a cause you believe in.

[Oddsocksgalore]

Delete his number now.

He's not interested!