Why won't he break it off if he is being so distant?

[KatDubs261]

Seeing a guy for a few months, feel we connect on multiple levels. Chasing me at the beginning, lots of phone calls and texts. Going out on dates regularly.

About a month in, after daily contact, he went on a trip & didn't contact me the whole time. I felt ignored & said I wanted to cool things off & he accepted this, but was cold & hostile about the decision. I admit I was hasty in making this decision and this is unlike me.

The next week, he came around and surprised me by cooking dinner for me. He said he should have been more attentive than he had been & took responsbility for why I had wanted to cool things off. He also said that he was being stressed & a lot had been weighing on his mind about his professional future. I felt like he really opened up and vice versa.

Last week before flying home to visit family, he called me from the airport. I wished him a good trip and almost a week later, had heard nothing. I noticed he is back online upon returning and I don't hear from him the whole day. NEWSFLASH: he is ignoring me.

Meanwhile, I had got him a small gift for his birthday. I told him about it, but said as he had been so distant it seemed he didn't want to go out anymore? He was really happy about the gift & told me how sweet that was. Then he denied wanting to break it off.

So, I asked him to let me know what he wants? That he can be 100% honest with me. This was last night. He's been online a few times since then and he still hasn't responded. He hates confrontation, but talks things through in person. Why won't he just break it off? Why string me along like this?

[chocshortbread]

From reading your OP (and bitter experience ) I think he could be in a long distance relationship? Which would explain his radio silence when away and your uneasiness, yet he still likes being with you when he's home. It sounds like he's not going to give you what you want or need. You can't change him. Just back off as others have said, and focus on what's best for you. Try not to take it personally or go down the 'what have I done' path.

[Czerny88]

Sounds like a communist rally to me...

[KatDubs261]

Maybe he could be in a long distance relationship. I don't think so to be honest? I don't know for sure, but instinctively, I don't think so.

He is still ignoring me after I asked what he wants. I don't care that he rejected me in the end - not really. What bothers me is the fact that we have been close and intimate over a certain period of time and now when I ask where I stand? He ignores me. Who does that? Who gets that intimate with another person and then IGNORES the simple desire for an explanation after 2 1/2 months? I can't wrap my head around how human beings can treat one another like this.

You know what? Maybe I did "put him off". I don't care. I have been in a few long-term relationships and I've never felt as needy as this (well maybe a little once, but we weren't right for each other and are still friends). He was very aloof and a year later told me he wished he'd been more attentive.

I find it very difficult to deal with the lack of closure. People say "oh closure comes from within" but I don't really buy it. I bought him a thoughtful present for his birthday and now it's languishing in a drawer. I wish I had been able to give it to him, as a last meeting or something. I didn't think it would work long-term but I have never had someone outright ignore me like this after intimacy. I'll recover, but I'm struggling, for sure.

[KatDubs261]

No, it's not a big deal, but not simply telling the person it's over is. Maybe people feel differently about this. But to me, leaving a person using the weapon of silence is cowardly and unacceptable after 2 1/2 months together.

Why say he didn't want to break it off and then ignore me? ridiculous

[NotYoda]

It's good thou are getting angry with him.

It shows you are seeing that he's not treating you the way you want him to

But unfortunately you may not get the answers you want from him. I don't think he possesses the insight or communication skills that you do. It is ridiculous.

I don't think you put him off - I dust don't think he's right for you.

[2nds]

You talk like as if you have been together for years. When I read you posts I see phrases like "Closer than we've ever been" and I'm thinking but you've only been together a matter of weeks?

[KatDubs261]

Thanks NotYoda. I think it's natural to feel this way though.

When I last saw him he said he KNEW he had not been as attentive as he should have been recently and that he took responsibility for that? Honestly, that is more self-aware than a few blokes I have known.

Do you think it's possible he doesn't really know what he wants? The fact he immediately said he didn't want to break up...but then ignored me when I asked him what he DID want...seems to suggest that, no?

[KatDubs261]

We've been together 10 weeks. No need to read into the words...all I mean is that things HAD been very casual.

But the last time we were together he said that sometimes a relationship between people takes him to grow and it is very much worth it when you give it time. This seemed like a green light to me. He opened up about things related to his family and different parts of his life that he hadn't before. So yes, we were 'closer' than we had been and I thought it meant potential for the future...

[BirthdayBetty]

10 weeks

[Rainbowzippy]

He's shagging someone else, and is a player. Bin him.

[purplefox]

I find it very difficult to deal with the lack of closure.

Close it then, tell him you don't agree with the way he's behaved and move on. Take control of the situation. As much as you seem to be excusing what he's doing as "not knowing what he wants", I'd say its pretty clear he doesn't want you.

[Rainbowzippy]

takes him to grow and it is very much worth it when you give it time. This seemed like a green light to me


There's your problem. He's saying he's deliberately taking things slow, so don't expect too much. I think you've read him wrong.

[Rainbowzippy]

Truly this boy is a playah! And he's playing you. Grab your dignity and sack him off, preferably with a casual "sorry but I'm just not feeling it" text.

[Rainbowzippy]

Or better, "you're quite sweet but really I need someone who is my equal, especially intellectually."

[purplefox]

nymag.com/betamale/2016/06/benching-ghosting.html

[Rainbowzippy]

Spot on article, Purplefox!

[KatDubs261]

I do feel I need the closure.

Athough since he's ignoring me, does it not look a bit pathetic? I find his behaviour abhorrent & know he is playing me. I guess at this point I have nothing to lose by giving him a final piece of my mind!

I know some people would warn against it...but I think it would feel quite good, at least temporarily...

[BirthdayBetty]

Oh come on, how old are you?

[reader77]

He's not interested. You're overthinking it.

[OutToGetYou]

On your shoes I'd have dumped him weeks ago, I can't stand the daily contact nonsense that goes on in relationships now, so he'd be over for me with that.

In his shoes I'd have dumped you as soon as you got all "cooling off" after he didn't contact you for a few days.

You're both as bad as each other. I think you should just treat it as over and stop stressing about 'closure' (unless you are a character in a US sitcom).

[2nds]

At 10 weeks into a relationship do you really need 'closure', seriously? This is likely why he's hopped off, you are too serious.
Even though he spoke a bit about his family / past/ whatever he might now be thinking you are too serious, too clingy, always wanting a text or a call within x amount of time. This is why some guys run for the hills.

[2nds]

I'd forget giving him 'a final piece of my mind', go out this weekend, go clubbing, the movies, whatever and put this 10 week non-starter out of my head.

[KatDubs261]

I just want to make something clear about frequent contact - I don't care about it! He wanted daily contact and I obliged to make him happy. So he thinks I'm too serious...because I asked what was up after he disappeared for 6 days? I was even a bit concerned, as it is not like him. ok then, I'm too serious. that's just who I am and it's never been a problem before this guy.

If people on this thread are SERIOUSLY suggesting the guy doesn't owe me a simple "sorry, but I don't want to go out anymore/not feeling it" VS silence, I despair for this world. Yeah, I expect a simple text or call from someone I have been intimate with for 2 1/2 months. I hope for that very small token of closure.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I agree with you OP, I'd also be pretty pissed off. I don't think you're being unreasonable, just unrealistic. Neither of you owe each other anything, however, manners spring to mind!

You wouldn't treat someone this way because you are a genuine and sincere human being, he isn't. If you're young and you don't mind 'head games' then continue, otherwise save yourself some heartache and detach. I'm old and cynical I'm afraid, seen it all. You have principals, he doesn't. You're worth more..

[2nds]

A guy going on holiday or whatever with his mates or family and you've only been together all of 5 minutes, 2 of those minutes being closer than ever isn't really a big deal.
Stop hanging around waiting on closure, closure is something you should get when you've been together a long time, 10 weeks is nothing. If you were pregnant by him I'd say of course he should have the decency to talk to you but as you don't seem to be you aren't tied to him and he's not tied to you. There are plenty more fish in the sea and demanding that he speaks to you when he is under no obligation to might make you seem needy. You say you are an attractive woman, don't hang around waiting on some bloke that you obviously don't know much about after being 'Closer than ever'.