Why won't he break it off if he is being so distant?

[KatDubs261]

Seeing a guy for a few months, feel we connect on multiple levels. Chasing me at the beginning, lots of phone calls and texts. Going out on dates regularly.

About a month in, after daily contact, he went on a trip & didn't contact me the whole time. I felt ignored & said I wanted to cool things off & he accepted this, but was cold & hostile about the decision. I admit I was hasty in making this decision and this is unlike me.

The next week, he came around and surprised me by cooking dinner for me. He said he should have been more attentive than he had been & took responsbility for why I had wanted to cool things off. He also said that he was being stressed & a lot had been weighing on his mind about his professional future. I felt like he really opened up and vice versa.

Last week before flying home to visit family, he called me from the airport. I wished him a good trip and almost a week later, had heard nothing. I noticed he is back online upon returning and I don't hear from him the whole day. NEWSFLASH: he is ignoring me.

Meanwhile, I had got him a small gift for his birthday. I told him about it, but said as he had been so distant it seemed he didn't want to go out anymore? He was really happy about the gift & told me how sweet that was. Then he denied wanting to break it off.

So, I asked him to let me know what he wants? That he can be 100% honest with me. This was last night. He's been online a few times since then and he still hasn't responded. He hates confrontation, but talks things through in person. Why won't he just break it off? Why string me along like this?

[KatDubs261]

hellsbellsmelons - Actually, nothing extreme has happened in past relationships to "make me" act like anything. But this is the first guy I've dated properly since the break up of my last long-term R 2 years ago. He left me, regretted it a week later & I wouldn't take him back. Before that, other relationships died a natural end after a year or 2.

Usually guys accuse me of being too aloof. This is the first time I've really understood where they were coming from...

[ISpeakJive]

Where's your pride, woman?

This guy really does sound like he is keeping his options open. Do yourself a huge favour and tell him to do one. You take control of this situation.

[MidnightLullaby]

Oh and I don't think he's trying to dump you by dropping hints and hoping you take them. He's quite happy for things to roll along as they are at the moment, and will continue to do so for as long as he gets something out of it and you don't give him too much grief. He doesn't have a problem with the way things are.

It's you that does. And so should be you who says, "this isn't good enough for me, you're dumped".

And if you're waiting for a magical time when he will realises he loves you and changes his ways, it won't come.

The first few months of a relationship are supposed to be when you think the other person is the best thing ever and you want to spend all the time you can with them and hear from them and see them and all that. Not a time when you're going away for the week and ignoring them and then going back online chatting to other people.

This is the best it's going to get.

[TresDesolee]

I don't think you're wrong at all to ask him to communicate better (or to say you want more consistent contact, if that's what you need to be happy - I'm like that myself)

But I honestly think it's very strange to think he's the only person who can end it. In the early stages of dating, the only person responsible for your wellbeing is YOU. You're the one who has to say when enough is enough.

He's happy with a casual thing, for whatever reason - why would he end it? But you're not happy. So you should.

[KatDubs261]

Thanks for your reply MidnightLullaby.

I am worried because I have never, ever, let a man treat me like this before. Not in the ten years since I started dating.

You are right, I should have followed my intuition that lead to me breaking things off the first time. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to give it a chance & not be too hasty because I felt there were good things there. But I am disappointed in myself for putting up with this and I don't know why I am. It's upsetting.

[Baconyum]

www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/men-pull-top-3-reasons/

I'm thinking that you only fairly recently started considering yourself attractive. I'm sensing a mixture of arrogance and low self esteem from you.

I think you need to work on that before continuing dating anyone.

Old can be a minefield but going into it with the right mindset helps.

Dating generally, I think it's unrealistic to expect exclusivity in first few months unless specifically discussed.

Are you quite young?

[Jan45]

Chalk it down to experience OP, some men say whatever it is they think you want to hear, always judge by their actions, not words. He's treated you pretty shabbily I would say, in 3 months you've already had to break it off for him ignoring you and he is still doing it even after you have raised it with him, it's time to give up the ghost, you should really be asking yourself why you have not binned him?

Sorry but I think he's pretty casual with you and I doubt he sees you as exclusive either, just get rid, he's not good enough for you.

[MidnightLullaby]

Well get back to not letting them treat you like this. Don't make the mistake of thinking that because you're willing to put up with him, it must mean this is something special and all of that.

I think Baconyum probably has a point re: your age and arrogance/self esteem explanation.

Seriously, some men are just not worth it. They will have some good qualities; after all very few people are all bad! But a few good qualities doesn't make someone right for you. And looks are not all they're cracked up to be. Honestly.

[SandyY2K]

It's your responsibility to end it if he behaves this way.

I'd simply tell him it's over. That you don't feel it's working out and that's that.

Move on to the next guy.

BTW just because you've met his friends doesn't mean he's not single.

One guy had a threesome with his mate and his mate's GF... only his mate is married and he knows his wife as well.

[LellyMcKelly]

You've only been dating a few months. Calm down, back off, make the most of your own life, and he'll come running. If not, well he wasn't the one for you.

[Summerdreams]

I get hung up on people easily myself, some of the easiest times I've had dating are when I had my options open as I didn't feel as attached. Exclusivity early on I always find can cause issues if it's just casual dating.

[Marthacliffscumbag]

Well you're not shiny and new to him anymore no, you shagged him and so the novelty has worn off, for him at least.
It's about what else is left after the shagging, is there enough 'good stuff' to make a relationship? For him it doesn't seem there is, he's keeping things very casual, keeping you hanging on but I'd bet every penny I have that he's daying around.
You sound a bit angst ridden and intense, you're not a good match, but hey from his point of view a shag is a shag.

[AnyFucker]

If a guy you are dating didn't speak to you for 6 days, after months of more or less daily contact, what would you think? How would you feel, if after months of asking how you are and how is your day, they stop completely?

I would consider us not on the same page, he was keeping his options open or that he wasn't that into me. I would not hang on waiting for his decision as to whether I was good enough not to be treated like this.

[KatDubs261]

Martha - I did think there was decent stuff there for a relationship. And he is the one that suggested he was interested in seeing how things grow just last week.

When we are together, we spend hours talking about the minutiae of our day, to bigger topics, whether it's about politics, philosophy, whatever. He offers me support during a stressful week and vice versa. He told me that he finds our conversations really interesting & it's not every day he meets someone he can talk to in that way. Honestly I feel the same way. So it's genuinely very disappointing and sad for me that his feelings have changed - 2 1/2 months or no. I don't think I'll be able to jump back into dating right away.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Why are you leaving it up to him to decide what he wants?

What do you want? A man who dicks you around, or a man who shows consistent interest?

[memyselfandaye]

He hasnt actually rejected you though has he?

It's a new relationship and he's been away twice, he's doing what most people do in the early days, some weeks you text/chat/meet up more than others, thats normal.

Looking into his background, expecting to be texted several times a day and second guessing his every move isn't right, it's too much, you're being too intense, you didn't even know he existed a matter of weeks ago.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Wow it sounds intense!

[NotYoda]

"RE me not ending it - because it is his responsibility to end things if that is what he wants"

Sounds like you want to keep dating to spite him! Do you know how weird that sounds?

You aren't happy. he's not giving you want you want. he's not some mystery to solve or game to win.

[Loveandstuff]

From my experience, guys who use online dating websites won't stop using it once they meet someone they are 'dating'. They like to keep their options open.

[AyeAmarok]

You had high hopes for the relationship, he might have too at first, but now he's just not that into you.

It happens, it's not a big deal, you won't be everyone's dream woman, nobody is.

Just end the relationship and stop torturing yourself, as you're staring down the slippery slope of desperate woman who will put up with anything.

[deste]

Kat you sound really young but I think you have to take the advice of the majority on here and take control, otherwise this time next year you will still be messed around and you will still be making excuses for him.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Why is the OP getting such a hard time on here?! Jeez!!

Sorry this has happened OP, but take back the control and block him. Move on. You are worth much more than this x

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Is this the first time you've been in a situation where it turns out you like him more than he likes you?

[Baconyum]

'From my experience, guys who use online dating websites won't stop using it once they meet someone they are 'dating'. They like to keep their options open.'

So do a lot of the women.

[loveyoutothemoon]

You say he was really intense at first. It sounds like he was really into you but you put him off a bit (the way you were when he didn't contact you whilst abroad), so he's keeping his options open. Lighten up-he PHONED you at the airport! It does all sound a bit too intense from your side.