Any point calling WA? Don't really need anything from them

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I think I have exhausted MN help. And worse than that I have been relying in it too much. I have had a bad day. I am lonely and i can't do this alone.

I have been told to call WA before. I never have because talking to a real person is terrifying, anonymous online chat is ok. But also because I don't need practical help. There is a break up plan in progress. Just not a swift one.

i have up and down days and I keep losing my resolve, doubting myself. I just need someone to lean on. Will calling WA help?

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Yes I bought a fold up camp bed thing yesterday. Seems so obvious, don't know why I didn't before.

I didn't have a cry last night at all. I had a lovely lovely long sleep. A rather expensive sleep but worth it!

Just awake. This is the latest I've slept in 6 years!

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Would you worry if your oldest friend couldn't quite get the problem. She was lovely but I did feel she was being supportive because of how I felt rather than how it was. I wonder if I only seek views from those I know wont question my feelings, here, Samaritans, my mother, WA etc. I ran a mile from Relate and their challenges.

Doesn't really matter in terms of decision. It's what I want to do. But I guess it makes a difference in terms of approach and how I think of H.

Just pondering because next to H she knows me well.

[NameChange30]

You were right to run a mile from Relate, they are not recommended for abusive relationships.

Maybe your friend doesn't really "get it" because she doesn't understand abuse and abusive relationships? If she has no personal or professional experience of abuse, she may have difficulty imagining and understanding your situation. However, if she's being supportive because of how you feel, maybe that's good enough? Friends and family will support you as best they can but they're not a substitute for professional support.

Have you got anywhere with the counselling and/or the local DVA support yet?

[NameChange30]

PS So glad you had a lovely sleep and have now got a camp bed, great stuff

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thanks AnotherEmma.

It was the day to day things I tried to talk about. There are some things which have shock value but it's the day to day which makes me feel lost as a person. But I guess the most difficult to understand. I suppose at some point you have to trust how you feel without validation.

Her support is probably all the more special because it didn't matter to her why I was upset, just that I was.

Nothing from local DVA but allocated private counsellor (assume psychotherapy is counselling) who I'll see Weds.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

No sleep as usual. Less than 2 weeks to go before we move.

Can't stop thinking about how sad my husband looked this evening. He looked older and thinner too. I'm sad that in less than a couple of weeks he'll be coming back to an empty home. No little boys tucked up in bed. It feels awful to inflict that pain on him.

I don't think he ever believed I'd leave so his world has been turned upside down.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Ffs I'm still having major wobbles.
I'm back at thinking I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I could get different medication that would make me happy and better at marriage.

I am dreading counselling today. Lots of me talking when I really want her to tell me how to fix everything. When I talk in person I find it impossible to be authentic. It's not intentional, its like I'm describing someone else's life, I hear myself trying to sound like I should. It's torturous and pointless.

I have movers booked to get the furniture from storage today to new house. And I'm still dithering. Nothing's in me wants to be in a relationship still. But maybe I'll feel bad regardless. So everyone else might as well be happy.

Maybe it's simply these 2 events today causing stress. Or is it my subconscious saying No?!

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I'm getting better at answering my own wobbles! I need to plough on regardless. If it was fixable we wouldn't have ended up here. Maybe the relationship is as awful as it appears or maybe DH is right and I can't be in a relationship with anyone. In which case we'll all be happier apart. Doing nothing is not good for any of us.
So just got to keep going....

[NameChange30]

"It feels awful to inflict that pain on him."
You are not responsible for his pain, he is responsible for the failure of the relationship and the fact that you have to end it for everyone's sake. Don't feel guilty and don't let him (or anyone) try and make you feel guilty.

"Maybe I could get different medication"
What medication?! There is no magic pill to fix an abusive man!

"maybe DH is right and I can't be in a relationship with anyone"
NO that's bullshit, like a lot of the things he says. You can safely assume that anything negative or critical your husband says about you is NOT FUCKING TRUE.

Sorry for shouting, but I don't have time for a longer more nuanced post!

Hang on in there. Good luck with counselling and the movers today xxx

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thanks for taking the time to shout at me when you're busy .

Moving done. Toddler napping. Sat with coffee. Feeling better.

House is a crazy mess but its all a step closer to being ready. Lots of furniture building over the next week.

And even though some blokes with a van did the hard work I still got it sorted. It's been a long time since I've been allowed to sort out anything.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

That was a genuine thank you, in case it sounded sarky.

[Cloudspider]

Hi read your thread and so very proud of you. Wish you and your boys all the best in your new home.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thank you Cloudspider.

[CharlotteCollins]

Well done with the move, great progress. It'll be great to have your own bed!

You're sounding stronger, all this talking yourself round is great. How did it go with the counsellor?

[user1465823522]

I am lonely and i can't do this alone.

You can. Oh chick I wish i could tell you how much YOU CAN. You are stronger than you ever could imagine, and you will be just fine. This... this is just a temporary setback. It means nothing. x

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thank you. I am starting to feel stronger.

Counselling went well. She was really calm and reassuring and it was a million miles away from my experience of Relate.

I have even had a few moments of feeling things might be ok.

[NameChange30]

That's wonderful. I'm glad the counsellor is helpful and YES things WILL be ok!

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

My current confusion... and this is painfully honest...

Am I an "attention seeker"? Bear with me.

Talking to a compassionate counsellor felt good, Samaritans being kind is soothing, support here cuts through the loneliness.

Am I seeking that out because I'm a bit sad/depressed.

If I said to the counsellor or Samaritans all the nice things about the last 20 years would it put my relationship in a different perspective?

Am I just lonely so seeing everything negatively. Just how deep can the confusion of stress run?

[CharlotteCollins]

Everybody needs attention. Mattering to other people is a basic need. That's why solitary confinement is a dreadful experience, and why children will play up for negative attention in preference to being ignored.

It's part of being human. But unfortunately a fundamental part of abuse is being led to believe you don't matter. The abuser would have us believe that we should live entirely for others without a thought for ourselves. (If only they extended the same logic to themselves!)

Hang on in there.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Hi CharlotteCollins. Thanks.
Working on friendships will be a priority this summer I think.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Delurking. You're doing so well.

IMHO there is no point analysing yourself atm, because you have been squashed down by your relationship, and need time to spring back into shape. Kind of like the way a dent in the carpet springs back when furniture is moved (that's the metaphor that sprang to mind, from my own experience).

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thanks SilverPussycat.
Flattened carpet is a new one to me
Yes, I get what you mean.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

The guilt just never goes away. My house is looking great. I'm sat here with a cuppa and all I can think is poor DH and DC. This should be our family home. The ups and downs are relentless. Hour to hour.

I cant imagine ever being truly happy. I just hope I haven't ruined his chance of happiness too. I know you will think that doesn't matter but it does to me.

Heading back home to have a family tea out. The end is tough. It's hard to let go.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Sending strength. You have given yourself (and him, I understand you caring, despite all) the chance of happiness, just take your time, take it day to day, look after yourself