Any point calling WA? Don't really need anything from them

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I think I have exhausted MN help. And worse than that I have been relying in it too much. I have had a bad day. I am lonely and i can't do this alone.

I have been told to call WA before. I never have because talking to a real person is terrifying, anonymous online chat is ok. But also because I don't need practical help. There is a break up plan in progress. Just not a swift one.

i have up and down days and I keep losing my resolve, doubting myself. I just need someone to lean on. Will calling WA help?

I do think I'd be more comfortable with a female but didn't like to say when I made the appointment.
As I waited for the appointment I might as well go and see.

Me transferring the money wasn't the problem I expected. After his weekend annoyance over it i thought he'd go mad.

I keep having situations where I think he's angy about something. But if I try again and again he eventually backs down. It is really throwing me because it's like he's really changing. In my gut I still want to go. I guess it'd be easier if he was still behaving as he was.

It's ok to change your mind and ask for a female therapist if you want.

And with STBXH you shouldn't have to "try again and again" until he "eventually backs down". With most people it's not such a battle. If this is him on his best behaviour, it's not great.

That's hardly great behaviour, though, is it? Eventually backing down!

Even if he's being nice all the time, you still are under no obligation to go back. Or stop leaving.

My XH said to me just before I moved out, "But I've been nice to you for about three months now!" We'd been married for 12 years!! I can see the funny side now!

X post. I must've been typing very slowly!

Yes. Actually, it's not great.

Well STBXH has stopped being pleasant. At least I won't be so confused. This is more what I'd expected. Sometimes I think he hates me.

I have my PiL today which I could really do without and he still hasn't told them. Really annoying.

Buy some more things to do at the house after school drop off which feels like a happy morning.

Thanks for support.

Why don't you tell them? I know he should but since he hasn't and you're spending the day with them...

Yes that would be the simple answer and I might if they get here while DS2 still asleep. But they'll be really sad and not sure they'd hide it with the children.

Why all the hiding?

Because the children don't know yet. Will tell them this weekend. (Which is why I can't move any earlier. I want to involve DS1 in getting some things for the house and give him a while to adjust.)

I am finding every day hard. Every day i feel pushed to the brink.

Is it really so difficult to understand why I can't call women's Aid or Samaritans? Online is easy safe and anonymous. Let's face it no one here is going to call me out on being crazy. Being repetitive maybe but not being a horrible person, being to blame, exaggerating, being frigid, getting it all wrong. Or any other of my fears.

I can't speak to anyone because I'm ashamed im humiliated I'm embarrassed, I'm a failure. That's why I cannot pick up the phone and make a call. I cant talk about any of this. I cannot imagine counselling being helpful because I don't feel able to talk in real life.

I know I cannot say any of this anywhere else. Surely that's understandable.

I can still leave because I know whatever the truth I'm not happy and need to. I'm not asking for an answer. Being heard keeps me going. Just another needy post with no purpose.

No helpline worker or counsellor is EVER going to say or even think any of these things about you:
"Let's face it no one here is going to call me out on being crazy. Being repetitive maybe but not being a horrible person, being to blame, exaggerating, being frigid, getting it all wrong. Or any other of my fears."
These are things that your abusive partner says to you. Unfortunately he has made you believe/fear that other people will say them too. But they won't. It's not true. It's just his twisted, abusive version of reality. It's a version that he's made you accept - but you don't have to accept it for ever.

Of course it's understandable that you're afraid to call a helpline or see a counsellor, you're afraid to talk about it out loud. You don't have to do those things. I just think that if you ever manage to feel the fear and do it anyway, you will be very pleasantly surprised. You say that being "heard" on MN keeps you going. Well, being heard by a person listening over the phone or face to face will feel even better. I'd say about ten times better!

If you don't feel ready yet, that's ok. But I will probably keep going on about it if you don't mind

Oh and YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.
Please try saying it to yourself out loud:
"I am not a failure."

You can call Samaritans and just tell them you want them to talk to you, that you need calming down and to hear a kind voice.

Trust me, I have done the same when I have felt so very alone.

You just have to call the number. They can tell if you are crying and will respond accordingly.

Take care OP

I know how frustrating it can be to deal with a depressed person who can't hear what you are saying. When they have lots going for them but can't see it. I'm not that person. I'm quite rational. I am failing. I sleep on the floor. I don't keep on top of my son's homework. I have no clean clothes for tomorrow. I have no friends, at least not where I live who I can see/chat to. I'm really not convinced I am adding much to anyone's life, or just the world in general.

I used to think I was a great mum. I loved being a SAHM, was so enthusiastic. I was really good at my job before that. And it was a job that mattered.

Now I am not good at anything. What if I really can't manage without him.

I sometimes think about the new house, about the garden, I think about getting the boys settled and realise they can sleep with me if they need to. How lovely to all cuddle up together. And then I realise I'm taking them away from their dad to live out this little fantasy of a happy home. I'm depriving them all of each other.

And I can't change any of it because the truth is I don't think he loves me or ever really has. I've never been good enough, never been enough.

Another day. I'm just not strong enough to keep going. Stupid nightmares every time I got to sleep. So tired.

It's up to you OP. You can wallow or you can get professional help. Maybe talk to your GP if you would find that easier than the other options.

So you're feeling you're not managing life well at the moment? But you also recognise it wasn't always like that. That's important: this is just a stage. And it's a very difficult stage too, leaving a marriage, so go easy on yourself.

If he is a good dad, he will find a way to keep a close relationship with his boys in the new set-up. My XH spends more time with the DCs now than he did when he lived with them!

I recommend concentrating on practical stuff at the moment, taking note of how you're feeling but not worrying too much about it at the moment. Chances are you will feel differently in a few months.

Yeah because depression usually just goes away all by itself

Emma Yes of course it can. I am suffering with situational depression.
When my stbx leaves my home I will no longer feel depressed.

Very, very many people go through periods of depression linked with life events - grief, divorce etc.

I am wallowing. Thank you.

I called the national helpline and the woman I spoke to was very reassuring that I was right to call. She thinks I need some practical and emotional help.

It was difficult to talk about reasons for the call so I didn't actually tell her much but I've called. And it felt like a useful thing to do.

I need to call a local number for outreach support. I can't get through but have left my details.

I feel stupidly like somehow he can know that I've called. Im paranoid about him reading this. but it's just paranoia.

It's actually a bit scary to make it real. But it was ok and I feel like I'm doing something. I need to go this time.

If I'm really really truthful my children need me to do this. You are more right than you know to get impatient.

I'm going to write some things down before seeing counsellor tomorrow. I don't know if that will seem odd but I'm going to do it now before I change my mind.

Sorry another really long post.

Well done OP. That was a brave thing to do.

Hi FV45. I know you're still in the middle of it all so I really appreciate you posting.

Sounds like you're taking lots of baby steps towards freedom. It's getting closer every day!

Well done OP! I'm so glad you called! I actually feel quite proud of you (not that it's my place to feel proud)

Good luck for your counselling session tomorrow. Hope it goes well, and remember you're trying out the counsellor, if you like him great and if you don't you can change.

I think you will start to feel better now you've started to talk and seek support in real life.