Any point calling WA? Don't really need anything from them

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I think I have exhausted MN help. And worse than that I have been relying in it too much. I have had a bad day. I am lonely and i can't do this alone.

I have been told to call WA before. I never have because talking to a real person is terrifying, anonymous online chat is ok. But also because I don't need practical help. There is a break up plan in progress. Just not a swift one.

i have up and down days and I keep losing my resolve, doubting myself. I just need someone to lean on. Will calling WA help?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Have you always been lacking in confidence and struggle to be assertive or is this the cumulative result of your marriage, Don't?

As the Women's Aid national helpline is oversubscribed at weekends, do you have anyone in rl who can be your listening ear and supply words of support where needed? If not, I suggest you keep posting here and wait until Monday to make contact with your nearest WA service using the links provided upthread.

It's a given that few solicitors will be enthusiastic about the arrangement you entered into in order to have a home for yourself and your dc that should be, but isn't, your own. What did the solicitor you consulted suggest in order to obtain what you so desperately need and what difficulties, if any, will you have in tranferring a large sum from the joint account into one that is in your sole name?

With regard to your h's unreasonable behaviour, can you give a few examples here? As I haven't read any of your other threads it may help me understand why you appear to be worried about him reading the truth about himself as perceived by you and, in turn, I may be able to help you phrase them in such a way that will satisfy the court without provoking your h's wrath, or whatever reaction you're fearful of.

Was your illness earlier this year linked to depression, or was it a physical manifestation of years of abuse/unhappiness? Regardless, I suggest you visit your GP with a view to preventing a recurrence.

Congratulations on getting the keys to your new home and here's to a bright new future for you and your dc

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thank you goddess.

Youngest has woken up but will post later. The help would be good.

[goddessofsmallthings]

When I was writing my earlier response (above) this thread had reached the end of p.2 and I was therefore unaware of your first post on this page, otherwise I would have been happy to 'chat' until your youngest woke up.

Unless you've been secretly having it off with an om who's on the brink of leaving his dw and your new home will be a love nest for the pair of you, I think we can safely conclude that, as you won't be inflicting the pain that the poster you've referred to is going through on your h, any guilt you may feel at the prospect of leaving him is misplaced.

Imo those who possess an unwavering moral compass that guides them through life's sometimes hostile terrain should have no cause to feel guilty about adhering to their principles, while those who choose to leave relationships that no longer enhance their lives should avoid being guilt tripped into staying for fear of hurting others.

But who am I to talk when, having successfully banished guilt from casting its gloomy shadow over my recollections of past events, I can find myself feeling guilty for not feeling guilty.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

I think I was lurking on your previous thread as this one seems familiar, have you name changed op?
If you in UK I am down under so I may be around during your night xx

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thanks treasonable, and yes i have another thread but it has detail that I felt wary about posting here. But it rarely gets responses and I'm feeling a bit alone. I name change so DH can't read everything if he has a look as I was thought he was reading a while back. Sorry I know that's all very annoying.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Smiling at you feeling guilty for not feeling guilty.

The below turned into longest post ever but I don't need replies, I just needed to say it all.

Sometimes I can take a step back and see everything how it is. But then I'm living it again and I lose that perspective. Maybe that's the poor mental health causing that.

I have been with him virtually my entire adult life. After nearly 20 years it's hard to know what's me, what's the marriage.

Depression rather than physical illness earlier this year. Last time I tried to leave I needed help from mental health team because he convinced me I was crazy and imagining things. Their firm conclusion is that I am absolutely not psychotic but I needed to leave my marriage. And on good days I know they are right.

Examples though? How do I list the day to day grind of not trusting your own judgement or feelings. I need a new fridge freezer for new house and I am worried about not involving him in case I put in it in the wrong place in the kitchen.

Silly things, being forced to serve new year lunch to guests with some plastic picnic set because you arent allowed to buy new crockery and only have 5 plates (we absolutely can afford new stuff). Sounds so petty but I felt humiliated by not being allowed to.

Being ridiculed for not being able to breathe at night when pregnant and feeling ill. ("You're Imagining it") By the time I went to GP with a chest infection I was sent for monitoring of baby as blood oxygen low.

Ditto arthritis, hobbling on torn tendons (2 years from onset to MRI scan) again because 'it's all in my head". Completely denying this behaviour afterwards so I again thought I'd imagined the years of ridicule.

Every place we've lived is brown and white because he doesn't like colour. The one wall I paid someone to paper caused so much abuse I hated seeing it.

Relocating when I didn't want to. Leaving the place I knew and loved where we had friends.

Having to spend every occasion with his parents, usually with me cooking. Including my own birthdays - that was a great 40th!. Having to host them every week (while he's not even bloody here) because they need routine so it can't be a one off invite now and again. Being too afraid of the row to cancel when I'm ill/tired.

I hosted FILs bday this year whilst taking double antibiotics for infection - so I know the illness wasnt in my head. Had to lie down secretly in between lunch and dinner was so sick. They didn't know but he knew. Heck I've done it through miscarriages, new baby etc. I'm like their family's personal host. I have had my family once for Xmas and that caused a row.

Saying in front on my children that I'm "nagging". Small I know but really really bothers me, esp as we have 2 boys.

Shouting at me in front of children.

Being too strict with our 6 year old. Not caring when I tell him I don't like it. I'm "undermining him."

This all sounds so petty. But I know it's not. I know it's how I've lost myself. But it's all, well, a bit waffle-y, and very very bitter. How do you pull examples out of this sort of life that are appropriate for the divorce application? Presumably need some concise statements.

And they need to be as bland as possible to minimise antagonising him.

There are some other issues that I absolutely do not want stated if I can meet whatever threshold the law requires with everyday things.

Wow, long post. I think he is so sure I'm making a mistake I end having to dredge this up to myself to know I'm right. I am clearly a bit stuck with all this rattling around in my head but i think now I've got that out I can do something more useful! I have a banging headache. DH had taken boys out. Phone off for a while, short sleep, then tackle new house.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

We talked a bit last night. I stood my ground. He agreed in the end we would tell DC next week so I can start helping the older one to adjust to the idea. He agreed we would split the cash we have.

He said the reason he is being so difficult is because he doesn't want to lose me. He doesn't want me to go.

I feel bad for him but I know I need to go.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Aaarrggghhhh. Cannot buy things I need to move. Incapable of making a decision. I nearly ordered a fridge freezer yesterday. Took me ages working up to it and he threw a complete angry strop because I wasn't asking his advice. I have ordered nothing, bought nothing. Heading home already.
I realise this is a bit Dear Diary. I'm just repeatedly posting. I'm so stuck.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

Don't expect him to stay amicable because he most likely won"t. DO GET LEGAL ADVICE, for yourself, DO NOT involve him/tell him you are doing it, you must remember he is not your friend.
Get everything you are legally entitled to for your own and your childrens' sakes.

[NameChange30]

I have nothing to add to the advice I've already given.
CONTACT WOMEN'S AID!

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I can't buy some bloody plates. How am I meant to transfer £10,000 from account?!

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I will Emma. Sorry.

I thought maybe goddess meant to wait until Monday because they are oversubscribed at weekend and I'm not in any danger.

[NameChange30]

I disagree with goddess. You can always try calling them. Even if you can't get through at least you will have tried.

If you're in danger, you call the police.
If you need support, you call Women's Aid.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Ok. He's texting because I said I'd be back at lunchtime so couldn't do anything now anyway. You're right no point in going over things here when you've given advice.

Im as annoying and useless online as I am in rl.

I'm starting to question if I can do this at all. This is why he feels the need to be in charge. He knows how rubbish I am.

[NameChange30]

You're not annoying or useless.
I'm sorry I got impatient, it'd just frustrating to see how much you're struggling.
But please don't feel you shouldn't post here (of course you can post when and what you like) or that you have to follow our advice (you don't) and you're a failure if you don't (you're not).
If I remember rightly, I think you have a counselling session coming up? I think that will help.
I hope you find the opportunity and the courage to call Women's Aid soon.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Ok, at the risk of pushing your patience even further....or anyone kind enough to answer. What am I asking WA to do? How can they help? Won't they just be another person telling me to do things I can't do? Getting frustrated with me.

People talk like I'm a normal capable person and I just feel more stupid. I had to just smile and nod at the solicitor. She may as well have been speaking a different language for all it meant when she was telling me what I needed to do. My head was reeling. I couldnt even remember my address while I was there. I had to pretend what house number it was. I am not being self pitying when I say I am not useful.

I don't know what I would even say to WA after hello.

[NameChange30]

You could tell them how you're feeling. Tell them you'd like someone to talk to. See if they will listen or recommend a specialist counselling service near you.

I think that talking to a trained professional, someone who understands domestic abuse and its effect on you, will help you to feel less crazy.

They can give practical support as well but I think emotional support is what you need first and foremost.

See www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/helpline-faqs.aspx

[NameChange30]

From the link above:

Helpline staff respond according to caller's needs and may for example:
Offer emotional support and (if appropriate) refer to counselling services.
Refer women to face-to-face support via community based drop-in or outreach domestic violence services in their locality

[NameChange30]

Information about when to call:

If lines are busy on the Helpline, keep trying. Quieter periods are after 4pm, evenings, nights and weekends. In an emergency, always call the police by dialling 999.

From www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/if-you-are-a-woman-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thank you

[CharlotteCollins]

Hope you got through to somebody helpful, OP.

Don't feel bad about finding this all difficult. He has made it intentionally difficult for you, I suspect!

I well remember the fear of small practical tasks like using a debit card or buying a fridge. I also used to be taken aback by a mere friendly hello! Everything can seem very daunting when you have lived a long time with someone who erodes your confidence.

How soon can you move into your new house? Everything will seem more manageable when you can control when he speaks to you.

[IdaShaggim]

Another one saying don't worry if you find making decisions difficult. The first time I went food shopping after moving out of an abusive management, I was frozen with fear as I had no idea what to but. My wants had become so secondary to his, I had no idea what food I liked to eat any more. A year on, decisions big and small come far more easily to me (still have the occasional wobble though!)

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thanks. Makes me feel better. I think as well as my indecision, he is struggling to accept that I might decide things by myself now. So as well as generally struggling to be confident im still having to deal with his angry reactions.

I couldnt get through on phone. But I will try again. It's so difficult to shake off the fear that people in rl won't believe me. Talking online is safe.

I'd like to give DS1 a few weekends to visit house, pick things out and get used to idea. We agreed to tell them next weekend. So maybe 3-4 weeks.

[CharlotteCollins]

3 weeks is better than 4, although both seem a long time given how much he is messing with your mind and your self-confidence.

I meant to say: don't talk yourself down. The more you hear something, the more you'll believe it. Once you move out, you won't hear his voice so much, but removing his voice from your head will be a challenge. Get a head start on that process now.

[CharlotteCollins]

So whenever you catch yourself saying, "I'm useless", change it to: "He has made it really hard for me to do simple grown-up things."

You have to believe that on some level if you want to break free of him.