Any point calling WA? Don't really need anything from them

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I think I have exhausted MN help. And worse than that I have been relying in it too much. I have had a bad day. I am lonely and i can't do this alone.

I have been told to call WA before. I never have because talking to a real person is terrifying, anonymous online chat is ok. But also because I don't need practical help. There is a break up plan in progress. Just not a swift one.

i have up and down days and I keep losing my resolve, doubting myself. I just need someone to lean on. Will calling WA help?

What's the situation with the new house? Are the mortgage and deeds in your name, his name or both?
And are you renting together at the moment?

Mortgage and deeds in both names. Bought with the intention that I live there with the children. Complicated background, wasn't my choice - DHs decision - but is my best option financially. So I need to get on with it - and get very good legal advice.

I should add, not because I am trying to stop you advising, but because I don't want to waste your time, there was a lot of posting around the house issue and my hands were somewhat tied. I have worried already and accepted I just need to get on with it. I didn't mean to repeat it again and waste posters time. Sorry.

I think it's time for some RL support actually. You need to start telling family and friends. That will make it seem real.

I've told my family and friends. I've told some joint friends too where I'm friends with the female. I've tried to encourage him to talk to his friends but he is having none if it.

He hasn't told anyone. I had his parents here last week and again today being excited about our new house.

WA are bloody amazing. They gave me emotional support during the really tough times of my break up when it really was dangerous for me. I now have a worker who pops in for a chat once a week for me to vent to, start counselling next week and my children are receiving support at school. I can't praise their work highly enough!

Please give them a phone, you won't regret it. Especially since breaking up is the most dangerous time, you need that support and they help to keep you clear and focused.

I'm not in danger though
(except perhaps of losing my mind!)

I'm surprised you've gone for this option without having sought legal advice. Find your nearest WA service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and make contact to ask for recommendations for local solicitors who specialise in divorce/ family law and have experience in da cases.

When you get the keys keep hold of them and make sure your h doesn't have copies otherwise he'll be able treat your home as an extension of his and may move some of his stuff in.

I spoke to a solicitor in general terms by phone at time. Was best I could do.

I can't not give DH keys. I think he'll want to be involved in some work that needs doing before I move in as the house is an investment.

Despite how it sounds im not an idiot, I just give in. Well actually I have been stupid, your surprise is warranted. The arrangement was nearly a lot worse though.

But I do now have a solicitor appt along the lines you advise. I just have to find a way to tell DH about appt. And breathe....

You don't have to tell your husband (can we call him STBXH?!) about the solicitor's appointment.

The solicitor probably told you this already, but in case not: as the mortgage and deeds are in joint names, and you're married, he is legally entitled not just to have a set of keys but also to live there. He may have said that he agrees to it being your house and not his, but in reality he could change his mind at any time.

I'm not criticising you for the decisions you made - you did what you felt was best and what you had to do. Just reminding you to be wary about assuming this will be your house alone!

You can call him what you like.

He may have said that he agrees to it being your house and not his

I was meant to get this in writing before exchange. But he's so difficult - conversations impossible, he's either too miserable or snappy. He won't live there, I'm sure of that, but I do think he'll be quite involved.

He's so frustrating, we should be working together to manage this as best we can for the children right now.

I don't have any money so solicitor will have to be paid through joint money (ie his) so he will need to know?

I drove past the house after school this morning and i feel like crying. And I rarely cry. I need to be practical right now and get on with things but my stomach is in knots.

Do NOT give him the keys until you have spoken to a solicitor.

If he should ask for them tell him that, as the house was bought on the understanding that you would live there with the dc while he remained in the former marital home, it won't be appropriate for him to visit/call round/enter the property without prior arrangement you and that you will extend the same courtesy to him by handing over your keys to the marital home when you leave.

Unless the improvements to the property involve underpinning or other serious structural work, they can be done after you've moved in and if your h is going undertake the work you must make it clear that, after agreeing that the house is for you and the dc, he has no more moral right to be in the property than any other tradesman.

Many solicitors offer a free half hour consultation and I would suggest you make appointments with several more if you don t feel that you've 'gelled' with the one you're due to meet.

Pull your big girl's pants up and start as you mean to go on by making it clear to your h that moving out with the dc means you're moving on and your marriage will remain in name only until you proceed to divorce his controlling and abusive arse.

I literally can't do this. I can't do what you say. I don't know how to say those things to him. I want to pull up my big girl pants. I know I need to. But I can't breathe.

I think it's me, not him.

I can't go to CAB or WA because I'm useless and panicking!!! Because I can't be an adult.

And now I'm paranoid again. I'm worried again that he could be reading this.

Ffs my children haven't got even one parent capable of doing the right thing.

It's ok. You're not useless, and everyone is bad at being an adult sometimes. I totally get the paralyzing fear and the feeling that you can't cope or act in your own best interest.

What usually helps you when you're in emotional overload? Cup of sweet tea, going for a walk or run, 20 minutes of time out for meditation or breathing exercises? Do that.

Then come back and try to examine what it is that's actually blocking you.

Even if you can't tell him any of those things right now, you are still a good and worthwhile person.

Haven't had a chance to read the whole thread but I wanted to say I actually went and spoke to someone at WA and it was so helpful because it was like she knew exP better than anyone I'd ever met. I also called when I needed support and (not sure if I'm supposed to say this but) they also have a forum for chat. Tbh I found spending too much time on it wound me up but you might find it helpful.

"Pull your big girl's pants up"
Really?! Standing up to an abusive man is that simple?!

OP I understand why you feel you can't stand up to him - each time you've tried to do it in the past, he's made life a misery for you.

You don't have to fix everything in one go. Just one step at a time.

Contacting Women's Aid will probably be easier than you think. Please do it sooner rather than later.

Getting some kind of professional/specialist support will make everything a bit easier.

It is that simple, Emma. Bullies are cowards at heart and those that fancy their chances can be dealt with by a call to 999.

Relax, OP. There's no need for you to do anything tonight and you can sleep easy knowing that you've begun the process by making an appointment with a solicitor.

I haven't slept easy since the last night my husband attempted to grope me in bed when I didn't want him to. Sleeping on the floor in DC2s bedroom these days.

I have just tried, after several weeks of giving him time, to talk about our children. But he can't pull himself together enough to put their interests first. Instead I get to hear about how I am wrecking their lives. I know it's sad. It's not how I planned my fucking life.

I also got a long talk - again - on why I don't need legal advice. Oh, and yes, the anger and hostile sniping about how I am making a mistake really convinced me that he is sad because he loves me.

I sit through all this shit because I'm determined for a good outcome for my children and because like an idiot i still feel sad for him.

But at least I got the keys for the house that I didn't want to buy - that he basically forced me in to - despite me explaining why I thought I'd feel safer and happier and less lonely elsewhere.

Rant over!

Rant not directed at you goddess. I appreciate your advice. (Although is making me feel stupid tactical? ) I know exactly where my anger should be directed.

On the plus side anger is probably a useful emotion right now. I will see the solicitor, I will hold on to the keys, and I will go before building work completed.

Emma, I don't know why phoning WA is so difficult. I feel like a fraud I guess. And I feel too old to be managing so badly. Its embarrassing.

You're not a fraud.
You're not managing badly - you are surviving a VERY difficult situation.
There is no age limit for abuse (sadly it happens to women in their 90s).
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
And the more you tell us, the more I wish you would call Women's Aid.
What you've said about sleeping in another room because he groped you in your sleep - that makes my skin crawl.
Could you go to a refuge?

The joint names on the mortgage isn't necessarily a problem. When you actually divorce and get a financial settlement, he may well be forced to give that house over to you anyway or you buy him out.

I'd just get in that house asap, away from him and then after you've got your head clear, only then, get stuck in with a SHL.

You are more likely to negotiate yourself a good settlement when you've had a few weeks living away from him, you've had plenty of sleep and your head is on straight again.

Same for convincing him that it is real and stuff has to be sorted. It doesn't have to happen right now does it? All you have to do is get out now.

Trying to do it all at once is just too damn much stuff draining your energy all at the same time.

Why not focus for now on getting into the new house and surviving as well as possible in the interim? Leave as much as possible to be sorted out afterwards.

OP have you seen your GP?
I wrote things down, gave it to him to read and then followed his lead.
It did take me a long time to seek his help and the courage to tell him what was going on, but I am so glad I did.

You don't have to cope alone, try and use the services on offer to you - whether that's WA, Samaritans, your GP....

I think you'll find once you've made the first scary leap into telling someone professional you will find it a bit easier. That's my experience anyway.

I haven't slept beside him in over a month so not an issue. Sorry for that detail.

The solicitor I booked does a lot of DV pro bono work so should hopefully be useful.

There is a perfectly nice house once I'm done feeling sorry for myself. A few weeks is realistic.

Yes, I think a lot will be easier to sort when I've got a bit of space.

Solicitor appt was really helpful. Free half hour turned into an hour - mainly dealing with some immediate financial issues. This is really going to be difficult, eg she wanted me to move a large sum from the joint account. Everything he has planned she was very clear wasn't on. I am going to have to find a backbone.

I've even been reconsidering just because you need to give examples for grounds for divorce in the application. I thought it was an unreasonable behaviour tick box thing! Its not like reasons are of any consequence. I just said oh I'll have a think. How can I do that when he will read it?!

I really wanted to tell the boys this weekend, show them the house, but he's not ready. I can't face a repeat of last night's conversation. So he's got a beer watching the football being pleasant.

I am starting to think I am just crazy. I am wondering whether it would be easier to walk into the sea and he's asking if I registered to vote for Brexit.

I am going to try buy/order all the things I need for the house tomorrow. At least that'll be positive and practical.

I think I'm going to try speak to someone for support tomorrow as I should have most of the day to myself. I ended up quite ill earlier this year and i can feel it happening again.

Just wondering if anyone is around? Yet another night of no sleep. I just read a sad thread from a woman whose husband us leaving her. Had to stop reading. Is that the pain I'm causing? I can't cope with the feelings of guilt.