Any point calling WA? Don't really need anything from them

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I think I have exhausted MN help. And worse than that I have been relying in it too much. I have had a bad day. I am lonely and i can't do this alone.

I have been told to call WA before. I never have because talking to a real person is terrifying, anonymous online chat is ok. But also because I don't need practical help. There is a break up plan in progress. Just not a swift one.

i have up and down days and I keep losing my resolve, doubting myself. I just need someone to lean on. Will calling WA help?

Oh, and another thing! I thought your list of his unreasonable behaviour was good. When my sol needed reasons, I ranted for a bit and she took notes. XH disagreed with a lot of it, unsurprisingly, but I was quite practiced at ignoring what he thought by then!

You could email your list to your sol.

Thanks for all of that Charlotte. Really helpful.

Someone gave me advice to try and create distance and observe his behaviour. He goes from happy to steam coming out of ears so quickly. It's nothing to do with me being rude or not respecting him. Just anything i say that he doesn't like sets it off. Ive always thought it's my fault. When I stop being intimidated its almost comical to see.

I can see all types of behaviour recently, I see how quickly apparently loving concern changes to aggression if I don't go along with what he wants.

It's like hes unravelling a bit, which is sad to see, i guess he's under pressure, but he isn't even being clever about his feelings. It all shows really quickly. He wants to stop this happening yet has such basic ways to try and do that. There has been no adult conversations at all. No caring gestures, no expressions of love. Not that I want to hear them but it's strange how poor his emotional intelligence is.

I will try to stop thinking in terms of useless. Thanks.

Several weeks does feel long. I was originally thinking school summer hols but I know I need to do it sooner. I don't want to rush it any more than that.

I can't remember if I said up thread but I had help from mental health team when I was very unwell after trying to end things last time. I can make direct contact again if I feel like that again.

Thanks again.

It's good you can see through his behaviour. Yes, sad that he can't work out how to improve things. He probably thinks it is somebody else's responsibility!

I can't get through. I looked up local resources and my local service says "We are experiencing an unprecedented demand for our services.
To manage this, we are prioritising those in most need and at highest risk." Which I don't think is me?

I am 40 years old and not in physical danger. With a house waiting for me. I'd feel ashamed to take help from a younger woman suffering physical abuse whose children might be at risk.

I'm not disagreeing that support would be good. It would be lovely actually. I am sure you are all right and my response is frustrating - but I live in a city with a high level of social deprivation. I just don't think I'm priority. Sorry to waste your time.

I will just try harder and get through as best I can.

Can you afford a private counsellor? It is typically about £50 an hour.

Have you done the Freedom Programme yet?

Right now yes and I have an appointment on Friday for assessment to see if they can help. Although I'm not sure what my financial position is going to be soon.

No to the Freedom programme. I have no childcare and I can't do it online. I couldnt be sure I'd be able to delete trace if it as it involves downloads.

Also I think someone suggested, and it made sense, to concentrate on leaving just now. I have made fuck all progress this weekend.

Need to pull myself together. And hopefully can get some counselling.

Your local service might be oversubscribed, but that doesn't mean you can't call the national helpline for a bit of support. Well done for trying to call. I'm sorry you couldn't get through but hopefully if you persevere you will be able to talk to someone soon.

It sounds like you're already making progress with detaching and observing his behaviour rather than getting caught up in it. Keep up the good work!

Thanks Emma
I will try again

I think what I actually need is a friend. Someone who is happy to hear mundane things, be encouraging, no expectations of me. Nobody can magic that up.
I have my 2 dearest friends coming for lunch Friday. I miss them a lot. We can bitch about what an arse he is, have a hug and a laugh.

YY, friends are invaluable particularly when you're in the process of moving out.

Glad you have good friends you can talk to openly.

And you can continue to post here as often or as little as you like.

This stage is the hardest, but so worth it.

There are two reasons why I advised you to wait until today to make contact with your nearest WA service, the first being that I didn't want you to pysch yourself up to make a call over the weekend only to find that you couldn't get through to the national helpline which is massively oversubscribed and the second being that, on the offchance you were able to get through, having told your story you'd be referred to your local service and would find yourself having to repeat it to another voice at the end of the phone at a later date.

On balance, given your difficulty in articulating the nature and extent of your h's abuse to people in rl, I considered that you were best advised to wait to initiate contact with your local service some time today or, depending on their availability, any other weekday that suits you.

Demand is such that, while you are no less deserving of the support that WA can provide than any other woman, the needs of women who are at serious risk of violence if they continue to remain in the same property as their abusers must take precedence over those who are victims of other forms of da.

However, no matter how long may take for you to talk to/meet with a WA worker, I remain convinced that their extensive knowledge of da will enable to you to fully comprehend the fact that your h's behaviour is as abusive as it is unreasonable, and this may provide the impetus you need to reclaim the power you've surrendered to him and use it to make a better life for your dc.

On the subject of his unreasonable behaviour, I'll post later with regard to the examples you've given upthread.

Much appreciated.

OP I'm glad you're seeing friends on Friday, that will do you the world of good

I can't wait Emma. I will show them the new house. I literally feel nauseous about the house. They will definitely help me feel more positive about it.
I am constantly teetering on the brink of walking away from everything but keep telling myself I can do this.

God I'm so negative

I can't wait Emma. I will show them the new house. I literally feel nauseous about the house. They will definitely help me feel more positive about it. i constantly teetering on the brink of walking away from everything but keep telling myself I can do this.

That's better!

Ds2 awake. Off to be cheerful.

Oh love , one day you will realise exactly how strong you are deep down inside, you have recognised how wrong this relationship is and you are making plans the best you can to not live like this anymore. That takes a lot of courage.

Take a measurement of your fridge freezer space, check which way you need the doors to open and choose one YOU like. You are the one using it so the only wrong choice is buying one that doesn't fit in the space. It makes no difference what his opinion is on it.

I don't know if I read previous threads, I think I may have in the other place, I keep forgetting to check over there. What I'm getting from this thread is that he doesn't want the split and is most likely viewing this as a trial separation, hence the investment house rather than a house for you and the children. I guess he will remain in the family home, are they a similar size? This doesn't really matter right now as the divorce moves on they are both communal properties/assets. Do not have your name removed from the current family home. Just be wary if this isn't what he wants then he will be upping his game to make you feel like you can't do anything without him. He hates this because you are finally thinking of yourself and are not doing what he tells you to do.

Keep posting, I think you are feeling you have exhausted mumsnet because it's quiet in the other place.

It's ok, love. It's ok to feel negative sometimes and to share those thoughts here. As long as you don't let the thoughts take over, it's ok to acknowledge them.

Thank you Iamdobby. I think I'll double check all my measurements for appliances. Though I'm tempted to seek out the biggest ugliest fridgefreezer I can find and stick it in the middle of the dining area!

I do have another thread in the other place that was then moved rather than deleted so no, it doesn't really get seen. The posters who do post are so patient it has been great anyway as its easy to get overwhelmed with lots of opinions if you are already a bit panicked.

I'm really grateful for all support though. Cuts through the loneliness.

Well it's your fridge freezer and its your dining room so if that's what you want then go for it! Lol

" its easy to get overwhelmed with lots of opinions"

I'm not surprised, especially as some of us are in direct disagreement with each other!

However, you will find your own way in your own time, OP.

All part of the brilliance of MN though.

Had a useful morning. Checked all measurements, ordered lots of things.

There's a lot to do but actually it was a little bit exciting being at the house again. DS2 loves it. I know DS1 will too.

Its strange to decide things. I know it will be lonely to be by myself but marriage involves such a lot of comprise that independence has its appeal.

DS1 was quizzing me on the different types of love this morning. Do I love Daddy differently to how I love them etc. Children are so perceptive.

It's annoying that his only awareness of divorce is my parents. My Dad has chosen not to keep in touch, has a new life separate to us, so DS will need lots of reassurance I think.

I'm seeing a male therapist. Don't shoot me down if this is a stupid question but do men get issues and emotions around control and consent and other messy relationship issues like a woman would? Not that it's necessarily useful to discuss all of that but its all playing on my mind a lot. Although I think I will just want to focus on panic issues and more confidence.

Do you mean will your therapist understand? He should be registered with BACP or another professional body. If he is, he should be trained to deal with those kind of issues. However, if you would feel more comfortable talking to a female therapist, that is totally ok. In your position I think I would, but it's up to you.

So glad you felt happy being at your new home and it must feel good knowing DS2 loves it.

You can see how it goes with your therapist and ask to change if you don't feel you are gelling with them, that goes for any sex.

Am wishing you lots of lovely for your new fridge. And some . It will be just for you and your DC. It might be purple. It can be whatever you want. And you can have colored walls. And bedding he's never used. New towels. All chosen by you and your boys, arranged however you like. Am feeling a little excited for you!