Any point calling WA? Don't really need anything from them

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I think I have exhausted MN help. And worse than that I have been relying in it too much. I have had a bad day. I am lonely and i can't do this alone.

I have been told to call WA before. I never have because talking to a real person is terrifying, anonymous online chat is ok. But also because I don't need practical help. There is a break up plan in progress. Just not a swift one.

i have up and down days and I keep losing my resolve, doubting myself. I just need someone to lean on. Will calling WA help?

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

It feels like there is a bit of a disconnect between here and my experience with solicitor.

She agreed with the general approach of the application not being antagonistic. Although perhaps that was general advice before we spoke about my particular situation. I can't remember. And of course I won't have articulated well what our problems are.

The focus has been very much on mediation and finding ways to resolve issues though. And to limit the lawyer involvement.

I will try speak to her again about approach.

[NameChange30]

Did you tell your solicitor that he is abusive?
Does your solicitor have any experience in abuse?

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

DV is listed as one of her specialisms. Her practice are involved with the local domestic abuse support providers and do pro bono DV work. Was the best I could do in terms of choosing?

No I didn't expressly say he was abusive. I'm still not sure about the label. But we spoke about a particular financial problem and the house issue. And she did get it i think. She spoke of control.

STBX thinks he knows best and doesn't have much regard for my thoughts/feelings - as opposed to wanting to be unfair re finances. Mediation might be OK. He doesn't want to leave me penniless.

Am I being wildly naive? It always seems ok until I type it here.

He wanted to do it informally, no legal advice or mediation etc. I am insisting that doesn't work for me. I am trying not to be a walkover.

[NameChange30]

Yes and you're doing really well so far.

It's good that your solicitor has experience in abuse - it sounds like you chose well However, she can only advise you on the basis of the information you give her. I do think it would be wise to tell her what you can about his abuse so that she can give you the best possible advice for the situation. Maybe you could write down some bullet points if that would be easier than saying it out loud?

I was also wondering if you've heard back from the local support service yet - I think you left them a message?

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I'm not trying to be awkward. I just don't feel ready to tell anyone about things, esp confronting husband. I will think about writing some bullets for the statement.

Maybe I will talk about things with a counsellor when allocated or when a support worker gets in contact. Haven't heard from either. Will follow up.

I don't entirely get whats at stake. I figured the risk is I don't negotiate as good a settlement as possible, although surely a mediator should be ensuring its quite fair? And solicitors would check afterwards. So some safeguards.

What is made better by the honesty you are encouraging? Genuine question rather than saying you are wrong.

[NameChange30]

I do hope the counsellor and support worker get back to you soon. I'm sure it will be easier to talk to them than to your solicitor.

A mediator isn't like a referee, they don't listen to both sides and decide what's fair. They are there to facilitate communication and negotiation. They will encourage you both to listen to the other's pov and reach a mutual agreement. If you can't agree, the mediator won't decide - the next stage would be to go to court (however you and STBXH will be advised to avoid this because of the cost).

Mediation is not always recommended if there has been domestic abuse. That's why I'm surprised your solicitor is encouraging you to go down that route, but she must think it's worth a try based on what you've told her.

I'm not saying you shouldn't try mediation, but I do think you should be wary in case he is unreasonable and tries to bully you into a unfair settlement.

The reason I am advocating being up front with your solicitor about the extent of the abuse is so that she can give you realistic advice about what is achievable and best for you and your children in the long run. For example if there is a risk of harm to your children she can advise on how you can try and limit contact.

However, I do realise that a solicitor isn't the best person to talk to in detail about everything that's happened. Ultimately she just needs the key facts so she can help you with the legal side of the separation and divorce.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

You stbxh most likely won't continue to be reasonable. He is controlling and will probably fight tooth and nail to retain his "control". He will not want you to become independent and outside of his control and will most likely do everything in his power to stop that happening. His wanting to "sort things out" without lawyers is a MASSIVE red flag, of course he wants to do this so he can railroad you into accepting what he deems to be "not leaving you penniless" (which will be as little as possible), whereas in actual fact you will get AT LEAST 50% of all assets/money/pensions and probably more depending on kids needs etc. You absolutely have to ensure that you have a shit hot lawyer as he is likely to fight dirty when it comes down to it, please protect yourself, it's so so important that you and the kids have enough to start again.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I really appreciate the detailed replies. I thought it's only money but it's not. We'll have a relationship for years.

I was at the new house today with DS2. We had such a nice time unpacking new things with radio on. i thought if we can just move we'll be happy. Even if I have to be kept by him. It would still be much better. I felt so light.

And I could resort to the burying my feelings/experience method of coping. Im only half joking.

I am being naive though. and just avoiding anything tough.i

I just need to get through next 2 weeks and then be a grown up and do what I need to do, face things.

[CharlotteCollins]

Absolutely. It will be easier to face things when you're in your own place.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

It's very hard to face these things, but you must fight for your rights and those of your kids. We will be here with you every step of the way even if all you want to do on here is cry, shout, scream, wail, moan, whatever helps, we will be here for you. Sorry haven't time to read back but do you have some real life support?

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thank you.
Not a great deal of RL support just now. I don't know anyone well where I live. Friends live quite far away. I was meant to have a friend visit last week but she had to cancel, hopefully seeing this week. My mum has been supportive by phone (different country) but isn't well just now. I have tried to line up counselling/support. Will follow up.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I can't get on top of my feelings. How do I move on? I'm in danger of being bitter. I need to change this. I know posters say it's OK to be sad but I can't go under just as I'm about to go it alone.

I think I'm feeling years of sadness that have been buried. I think I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know that's probably embarrassingly obvious but I'm just seeing it. I've got no right. I had choices, I have children who I am responsible for. Everything he has done I allowed to happen. I'm the one without enough self respect to do what others would have done.

How do I deal with this? How do I manage these feelings and stop being a victim.

[CharlotteCollins]

I think you can't really move on until you've processed your feelings. And that can take months and be quite overwhelming when you're used to burying them. That's how I remember the early days after leaving.

I've heard people suggest blocking off certain time in the day when you allow yourself to think about things and then sort of store thoughts up for later at other times, iyswim?

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Maybe not move on, but carry on.
You found it overwhelming too?
Yes blocking time off sounds like a good idea rather than constantly having things running through my head.

[CharlotteCollins]

Yes. I had not felt things properly for so long, as a survival tactic! But I remember feeling overwhelmed, by anger, only after I left. I think I decided I would wait till I was out to think about any of it!

There was euphoria, too, at escaping what I'd thought was a life sentence for many years. Very little sadness in my case. And this strange sense of reconnecting with the person I was before I met him.

Anyway, that's me. Your experience will likely be very different. But may well feel like a roller coaster at times!

[CharlotteCollins]

Actually, that's not right about putting it off till I left. I couldn't think about anything else while I was still living with him and stopping thinking about it when I moved it was quite a challenge.

And the anger did start before I left, too.

See, three years on and it's like ancient history!!

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Morning panic. DH is on way to the house. He is being really helpful. There is a dishwasher being delivered between 7 and 10. I couldnt get through to change slot.
He was already showered and dressed so heading over.
He is going to see the things I've bought. Not all essentials. He would be buying second hand or budget. I didnt buy anything particularly fancy but I even got a nice little radio. I don't see the money as an issue. I have what I consider a reasonable budget for setting up but by far most of my cash will be saved.
I don't think he'll even say anything but he will not be pleased. I don't know why I'm so worried.
I didn't want him to go but he's helping me out. I need to get over it.
Shit shit shit.

[NameChange30]

Aaaand breathe.
If he's not happy, it's not the end of the world.
Let him say what he wants.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Sorry for the silly panic

[CharlotteCollins]

It's not silly; it's perfectly natural. You're used to your world revolving around keeping him happy.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thanks both for not making me feel stupid. It's worse than ever, the questioning myself. I guess it's a lot of change.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

It will take time to get used to the fact that your life does not have to revolve around keeping him happy anymore. Change can be difficult even if it's for the good. It's a process, you'll have ups and downs, doubts, it's like a crazy see-saw and roller coaster rolled into one. Just take it step by step, we're right beside you.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Thank you.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Well i've discovered another little bit of anger today. I spent last night and DS2s naptime today crying without knowing why. And then I just got a bit angry. How come I feel all this guilt and he's so heartbroken yet I've slept in the floor for weeks. He said no when I asked if we could swap one night. It's not just that. If he is so sad how come he hadn't said anything loving. Not even once? I don't think this is all about him being sad. It doesn't add up does it?

Anyway, tonight is tough, I'm staying out do the kids have a bedtime practice run without me.

But....I'm with a very old friend in a fancy hotel room. It's a triple room. I have a big double to myself with fluffy pillows and duvet. Bliss.

And like complete party animals we ate pizza in bed and we're now going to sleep.

I might have a little cry because I've never not put my baby to bed, never not been there in the morning. But I've tackled this the best I can. And I'm sort of guiltily looking forward to a good sleep.

It's been a hopeless day but feeling a tiny bit better.

[NameChange30]

Oh I hope you had a delicious sleep, you bloody deserve a big comfy hotel bed after so long sleeping on the floor! Is there anything you can do to sort a more comfortable bed at home?