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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When red flags aren't really red

369 replies

Hiphopopotamus · 31/05/2016 19:32

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 02/06/2016 23:22

Recently out of an obusive (manipulative) relationship and can't understand why someone would clearly walk into one. My STBXH was very careful when we met and for the years before marriage, then increasingly became controling. I wouldn't have married him if he'd been controlling first.

Baconyum · 03/06/2016 05:56

"we feel like we're watching an accident about to happen and we want to do anything we can to stop it happening, the same way we would if it was our own daughter. " I want to SCREAM YES THIS EXACTLY THIS!

I too think you are possibly very young, are you inexperienced in relationships? Is he your first serious boyfriend? First love? First boyfriend? First man to say 'i love you'?

MissMargie · 03/06/2016 07:04

Imagine you are a busy and important person in business - there is a multi million merger taking place, you have to be up to speed, make vital decisions............however... you can't concentrate on the meeting, you can't go to the quickly arranged lunch, you can't keep tabs on everything because some idiot in your life needs to know what the hell you are doing at every minute of the day ........ makes me go AAAAaaaaaargh! just thinking about it.
Imagine you are a busy Mum, dropping DD off at sport, picking up dry cleaning, writing a shopping list in your head for Tesco....... however, some idiot in your life needs to know what you are doing every minute................

Zaurak · 03/06/2016 07:17

Dh and I do tend to keep in contact during the day. I send him an amusing whatsapp pic of the baby doing doing cute for example.,
The key is that if I don't, he just assumes I'm busy. And if I don't hear back from him o assume he's busy too and there's no drama. Its more a 'he'll see this when he sees it' - I don't expect a response. I might text him on my way home 'pop the kettle on, back in ten' and he might text 'late meeting today, be back at nine' because that sort of thing is the mundane shit that we do.
If he required updates constantly (why??) I'd be considering our future. Because that smacks of jealousy.

I have to ask, op..
How old are you?
How old is your partner?
Is he from a religious background?
What would happen if you put a nice frock, make up and nail polish on and went out with friends for the evening and didn't text him?

clarrrp · 03/06/2016 07:35

In my experience it starts with small things like this and gradually becomes more of a problem.

So, right now he checks up on you and doesn't like you wearing revealing clothes. How long before he starts to voice his opinions on your friends and who he does or doesn't like you hanging out with. Or where you go. Or how you cut your hair.

I had an ex like that who started out very loving and sweet and gradually over time became more and more controlling until I was basically completely isolated and only did what he allowed me to do.

These days I do what I damn well please and if my GF doesn't like it then that's her problem - difference is she would never dream of trying to tell me what to do.

I hate to say it, but these are warning signs. And he might say you wearing something he considers revealing is disrespecting him, but him dictating to you what you can't wear is him disrespecting you.

Kr1stina · 03/06/2016 07:47

Hipho - I see that a number of posters have suggested that the OP might be from a strict religious background . If that's the case, then he is not observing his own religion, as the OP referee to him seeing her body and implied that they are in a sexual relationship.

When in fact he's not her DP, he's her BF as they don't live together and are not engaged or married .

I wonder if that's why the OP can't discuss this with any of her friends or family ,because they would disapprove of the fact that they are having a sexual relationship while they are just dating .

Which of course makes her even more isolated .

And it might explain why the OP is worried about posting this thread .

Roussette · 03/06/2016 07:48

A truly loving partner might want to occasionally contact you just to hear your voice and might like to know in advance if something hasn't gone to plan which means you'll be held up or might get home in a bit of a down or grumpy mood, particularly when you have kids together or plans which might be affected by the day's events, but they certainly don't expect updates on the hour, every fucking hour. Many people give their 13 year olds more freedom than that

Yes yes yes to this. What starts off as romance, loving, needing to hear your voice because he's in love with you and can't bear the absences... subtly and insiduously creeps into something else. You'll barely notice the change but it'll be there. It's not "god I miss her and want to hear her voice" any more, it's become "why the hell hasn't she answered my texts, I've sent 3 now, I want to speak to her, I want to know where she is, what she's doing and who she is talking to". You'll be so flattered at the first part. The second part you'll think, how the hell did it turn into this.

Resilience16 · 03/06/2016 09:56

Just a quick one. I picked up a card from Refuge yesterday and the quote on the back reads "If you are forced to alter your behaviour because you are frightened of your partner's reaction, you are being abused"
.....

seeyounearertime · 03/06/2016 09:58

"If you are forced to alter your behaviour because you are frightened of your partner's reaction, you are being abused"

Excellent.

dowhatnow · 03/06/2016 10:09

But the op argues that she is altering her behaviour because she wants to therefore she is not being abused. She doesn't realise the significance of the red flags that she thinks aren't red flags. Yet she seems extremely reluctant to test this out.

If he's a nice man op, he won't mind you testing the theory because he's only stating a preference rather than being controlling. If he does mind, you are in the early stages of being abused.

What have you got to lose?

Curviest · 03/06/2016 13:07

Depends what you mean by "revealing".

ChocolateRaisin · 03/06/2016 13:19

In answer to your question OP, I would hate to make my DH unhappy, I would do what I could to avoid that. To make him unhappy however, my behaviour would have to be pretty extreme. Think cheating, being abusive towards him- purposely going out of my way to hurt him for example.

In my relationship I am free to do as I please, as is he. I wear what I like, go where I like, go on holiday without him, have my hair and make up as I please and regularly (almost daily) spend hours doing my hobby away from him with little to no communication between us. If I wanted to go on a girls night out all 'done up' with hair and make up and a top which showed a little cleavage for example, he'd kiss me goodbye, tell me I look lovely and to have a great night and to call if I got stuck for a cab home.

I never have to modify myself or my behaviour to keep him happy, he loves me for who I am and encourages me to do things that make me happy. Do you honestly feel this way too?

Please think about your relationship OP, there are lots and lots of replies on your thread for a reason.

HereSheComestoSavetheDay · 03/06/2016 13:24

Are you guys seriously still haranguing this OP?

It's been DAYS.

loobyloo1234 · 03/06/2016 13:24

I can't for the life of me figure out what the purpose of the post is - if the OP believes what she has said is not some form of abuse control. Was it a cry for help? If so, I would suggest taking some of the advice given here by many of these lovely people

Alternatively, maybe you made the post up - to get some attention ... and to get people talking Hmm As it seems you are now trying to backtrack, which makes zero sense

WannaBe · 03/06/2016 14:41

I want to come at this from a different perspective. At the moment there are lots of responses on this thread from posters who have been in abusive relationships and who have, quite rightly IMO, seen the warning signs in the OP's posts.

But I wonder whether the OP is looking at this from a different angle, an angle which says to her that wanting to please your partner is normal. An angle which makes wanting to be desired by him and only him and therefore not wanting to be seen by other men is somehow attractive, and normal. And so because these things are so normal to the OP, she's wondering why everyone else doesn't think the same. After all, she loves her BF and he loves her, she's sure of that. So if this is the normal for her in relationships then perhaps she genuinely can't see how other people wouldn't want to live like that.

If the OP has grown up in a particularly conservative culture for instance, then it stands to reason that she has potentially been conditioned from an early age to believe that women should respect their men, and that not covering up is somehow a disrespectful thing to do.

The thing is though, that there's a difference between feeling that you want to do something I.e. That you don't feel inclined to wear revealing clothes when out, and feeling that you have to not wear revealing clothes when out because it might make someone else unhappy.

Similarly you might feel that you want to stay in touch with your partner, but there's a difference between that and feeling that if you don't contact him on the hour every hour you are somehow making him unhappy.

I would want my DP to think I looked nice when we go out together. And I might ask him which outfit he prefers on a particular occasion. Although actually my DP would feel guilty even about telling me which one he preferred, even if I'd asked his opinion. [grin[ but if my DP started telling me that I shouldn't wear a particular outfit because certain bits of me were for him and only him to see we would start to disagree somewhat.

Similarly my DP likes me to call him if I've been out at night and am on my way home. Not because he's possessive and needs to hear from me at every given moment, but because I have to travel home by train on my own late at night and he wants to know that I'm safe, and because sometimes coming home late at night on my own involves having to navigate an unknown area with just a sat nav and a guide dog, so he wants to know that I'm ok, and on occasion he's told me to just get a cab and he'll pay.

That's not possessive, that's just looking out for someone. If however he started to text increasingly if he hadn't heard from me every hour while I was out, then alarm bells would be ringing for me.

Ultimately it's as someone said up thread. If you're not uncomfortable with the arrangement, then it's not an issue, is it? But if you need to ask if you're the only one who feels that you're having to justify a relationship, then you're already asking questions in your head, and hoping that the answers that are echoing back are wrong.

Lweji · 03/06/2016 14:49

Are you guys seriously still haranguing this OP?

She has a hide thread function. Nobody is knocking on her door.

HereSheComestoSavetheDay · 03/06/2016 15:03

She has to hide the thread if she doesn't want to be harassed? You can't just respect her wishes?

Wow, good one.

CrazyDuchess · 03/06/2016 15:14

But the post when quiet for 2 days - OP reignited the conversation??

And yes if she doesn't want to continue she can hide and move on??

CrazyDuchess · 03/06/2016 15:16

Sorry I was confused. But still she should just walk away and post will die a death

IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 03/06/2016 15:17

TBF this thread, has some wonderful advice and experience on it. It would benefit quite a few people who come across it.

I know this was exactly the type of thread I wanted my friend to read.

HereSheComestoSavetheDay · 03/06/2016 15:31

So if she defends herself against your accusations, she's encouraging you?

Shock
Lweji · 03/06/2016 15:34

Accusations????

Defends herself????

Hmm

The only one being accused is her boyfriend.

Redisthenewblack · 03/06/2016 15:36

Hereshecomes the OP clearly doesn't care what people on this thread have written, that is very clear. However, I'm certain there are many many others lurking on this thread that have taken something useful from it. I know I have.

WannaBe · 03/06/2016 15:43

"She has to hide the thread if she doesn't want to be harassed? You can't just respect her wishes?" This is a public forum. If you post a post on a public forum then people will reply to said post. Replying to a post isn't harassment it's replying to a post. If she doesn't want to see responses then she just doesn't look at the thread. It really is that simple.

6demandingchildren · 03/06/2016 16:01

My husband has put a tracker on my phone and he has one on his . We can both remotely access the cctv at home and in the shop that he owns and watch each other. I ask his opinion on what I wear and I will get the truth he doesn't ask and I will tell him if he is looking mismatched.
The friends we socialise with find this bizarre that we track each other but facinating.
I'm just about to look at where hubby is as when he came I'm r from work I was out and now he has gone out either running or cycling. And the best bit is knowing when he will be home as I know when I got to do the quick rush around so it looks like I have been busy all day and not on mn.