When red flags aren't really red

[Hiphopopotamus]

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

Hipho,

you haven't answered how he responds when you don't follow his preferences.

But if you are upset, you can hide the thread.

We'll be here when you need us. And, unfortunately, I am convinced you will if you do get married and have children.

Whatever you do, don't give up your financial independence. Make sure you don't become economically dependent of him. Don't give up your job or your savings.

OP I was in the same situation as you 5 years ago. I loved him. He was amazing. Gave me everything I wanted. Treated me like there was no one else on earth. I was happy to 'compromise' with things because I 'respected' him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, marry, have children, live in our own fairytale

He didn't like the kind of music I listened to so would turn it off when he came in from work. Eventually I stopped listening to music at all.

He didn't like the clothes I wore so bought myself a whole new wardrobe.

He commented on how good I looked with my hair a different colour in photos he'd seen from years ago. I dyed my hair that color.

5 years on I am a single mother to 3 children and divorced from a man I have a restraining order against because when I started to realise I wasnt 'me' any more and started not to 'compromise' he beat me to a pulp.

I lost every bit of sense of who I was. I would be scared to go out with my friends because of the inevitable beating I'd get afterwards. I left my marriage with no friends at all. I dyed my hair back, I was accused of cheating and consequently beaten. I bought new clothes, I was mocked and ridiculed.

You might have what you see as the most perfect relationship at the moment, but one day you'll wake up and wonder who you are. You'll wonder what this man has turned you into. You'll wonder why the position of your kettle pisses you off but you won't dare move it because that's 'how he wants it'. You'll find yourself missing out on days/nights out because he wants to be in contact with you 24/7 and how are you supposed to do that on a hiking trip up a mountain, or in a swimming pool in the local leisure centre. You'll cancel arrangements. Eventually your friends will stop inviting you.

I don't think anything anyone on this thread says is going to change your mind, but Id like to thank you for starting it as the huge amount of advice on here will no doubt help someone else.

Good luck OP. You're going to need it.

I know he's amazing. But he can be because you fall in line every time. Have you ever disagreed with him and done your own thing? This has been asked over and over and you've not yet answered.

If you can genuinely type that you've done something against his wishes and that he's been ok about it, we'll shut up- I think many would agree with that?

Stop it. Please

This isn't what it is

OP please answer the question that many have asked. What would be the respecussions if you went against his wishes?

It depends what wishes. I don't know why the answer to this question has become such a big deal. I suppose I want to ask back - why would anyone do something that they know would make the person they look be unhappy

Love - not look

The question you need to ask is why would you changing your hairstyle make him unhappy? Because in a normal, healthy relationship it just wouldn't.

Because now you need to do it deliberately to see if you have that wonderful relationship or whether those red flags are waving wildly.

If you go against any of his wishes and he is ok about it then you can really relax secure in the knowledge that he is indeed that wonderful guy you think he is.

That's why you need to do it.

The other question is why wouldn't he be ok about letting you do something that would make you happy?

Because there are 2 people in the relationship so both parties should be happy.
Stopping doing something that makes you happy to make someone else happy isn't healthy. (Unless that thong is drink/drugs, etc.)

The question has been aimed at the examples you've given. What would he do if you an outfit be disapproved of? What would he do if your battery died on a shopping trip and he couldn't contact you for 5 hours?

What would the repercussions of him spending time with someone you've asked him not to be?

Because if it is not something that directly impacts upon them and their enjoyment of their own life or convenience, and is something that the other person does on their own with their own body (whether it be hair/makeup/clothes/masturbating) then, frankly, they have no right to ask.

Thing!*

If you've really got nothing to worry about, then a quick test won't upset him too much because he'll be ok about it, despite it not being his personal preference. If it does upset him a lot then you know you are in trouble.

OP, I'm sorry you're upset and I hope you're OK. I think people need to back off now. Everyone has said their piece and I'm not sure there's any point in continuing this any further.

I do think this has been a useful thread, so please stop apologising for starting it! Even if you don't need it, it could still be helpful not for others who might be reading it and recognising potentially abusive behaviour in their own relationships.

Posing the question and reading the responses has, hopefully, at encouraged you to think about these 'not-red red flags' and draw your own conclusions. If you've done then, you at least you can be sure that you've given it the proper thought rather than just burying your head in the sand.

I wish you all the best for your future.

I guess you wouldn't intentionally (most of the time) but it's inevitable that there will be times that to be who you truly are, means doing things that your DP/DH would prefer you didn't. That's because you're not the same person and are individuals in your own right with different expectations, hopes, dreams, aspirations, upbringings, etc etc. His reaction when you go against his 'preference' is the difference between an abuser and a healthy relationship.

It's important to find out now if he is OK about you going against his preferences because there absolutely will be times when that is necessary. For example, let's say you do end up having DC. He thinks smacking is an acceptable punishment, you don't. If it is a healthy relationship, you come to a compromise you can both be happy with. If he's an abuser, you will be expected to submit to his will and will have to endure him smacking your DC regularly or suffer coercive behaviour or worse from him. You will end up with no choice but to do what he wants or leave. Neither is a happy place to be.

Because, OP, he should love you for who you are, not who he wants you to be.

And if those things were dealbreakers for him, he should have held out for someone who didn't do them, not insisted that you change.

Because, OP, he should love you for who you are, not who he wants you to be.

^ this!

OP, I cut my hair in the last year - a big change, very long to very short. My DP hates it, he says he misses my long hair. I on the other hand was sick of washing it and generally dealing with it so the short hair is staying until I feel like growing it again. It's my hair, not DPs. And he had somehow managed to move on and not make me feel like I've betrayed him, despite his clear preference for long hair.
You should never feel like you have to obey your partner

Imagine the perfect relationship you have soap but without your partner controlling way you wear, without getting huffy concerned when you don't contact him within an hour (and in guessing these are just a couple of multiples of examples)

Just imagine that for a moment.

Now THAT really is a loving positive strong relationship.

I'm afraid to say that way you have is not what you think it is.

We're not trying to make you feel shit. I promise.

And also ask yourself this:
Why would he want you to change something that makes you happy?
Why wouldn't he put your happiness first?

I would perhaps give some thought to what payoff he (and you) gets from trying to control things like your appearance? Do you really think it's a case of making things better for you because he cares or is it because he is trying to mould you into something he wants you to be?

Actually, with abusers, it's neither because the control is the thing they crave, that's why it's so important to test what happens when he's denied the opportunity to exert control.

I hate trainers and any kind of sportswear. Hate it. And football. Hate that too.

The man I really, really like wears trainers and branded baseball caps and loves football. If we were to ever get together, I would no more dream of telling him not to wear/do those things because I didn't like them, than I would start to wear/do them myself.

More than that, if he offered to stop wearing/doing those things out of respect for me because he loved me and wanted to make me happy, I would absolutely not want him to do that. Because those things are part of what make him him.

If he insisted on not doing those things out of respect, and also requested I did/didn't do things I liked to do out of respect for him, I would be backing away very, very slowly... .. .

It's not good.

Because - why would he be unhappy if you cut your hair or wore a dress with cleavage showing? What would his being unhappy mean about how he sees you and his role in relation to you? It's not enough for someone to say 'that makes me unhappy' - there must be a reason and it must be a valid one. Otherwise it's control for the sake of it.